My Wife Left and Wants an Amicable Divorce

[JasonWe]

of course i did at first...but she's honestly a really terrible liar and i don't think she'd be able to hold it in for this long.

her mom also insists that there was/is nobody...so i dropped that thought pretty early. it's always looming over my head...and as much as my friends around me say it...i really don't think there is. we can't even keep christmas gifts a secret. we end up exchanging pretty much when we're both done. ..even if it's november. lol

[25yearsmlc]

Jason,

I need to start by saying you are doing well. Really. I'm impressed with how fast you are grasping the DB concepts even when they feel a little counter intuitive.

her parents are very religious and traditional. divorce is just not in their vocabulary...and to be completely honest....they have SUPPORTED her...but they're not really siding with her. they of course would never say that out loud. but you can tell that he was generally in the dark about most of this because she's barely opened up to them either. he's said time and time again that he "hopes she just snaps out of this and comes back". he can't really understand what went so badly that it couldn't be worked out. her mom is basically the same way. they love me and i love them. they're the most amazing in-laws i could've hoped for.

this^^ is such a blessing. You sound grateful for it so I won't belabor the point.

their love for her and their welcoming to me was one of the main reasons why i said that I didn't want to lose her and i had to marry her.

Hmm, I don't really get that and that's^^ a little unclear to me but, whatever...

since we've met...she's had one speed...and that's "overjoyed". she's the happiest and most ridiculously positive and smiley person you'll ever meet. so nobody can really get a grasp of what she's feeling because since we started dating when she was 19 and i was 29...and i had been through all these crazy up and down relationships... i had developed the tools to deal with conflict. she hadn't.

well it's a 2 person dynamic in a marriage. So whether you are "great" at conflict resolution and she $uck$, it ends up not working.

And you are all you can work on.

the second she said "oh my god..i'm not happy"...she bailed because in her eyes she had no idea that you could recover from that. i've been unhappy before..but i talk about my feelings and those thoughts eventually level out.

A LOT of folks believe m is an all ("GREAT!!") or nothing ("HORRIBLE/MUST EXIT!")
scenario.

If her parents didn't work out conflicts well OR in front of her (i'm not blaming them) then she may have only seen the GREAT times and literally doesn't know how to do the rest.

OR the Japan thing was a bigger deal for her.'
Did you say she married you when you were 29 & she was only 19?

That's very young. Especially if she lead a sheltered life before then.

And you did NOT want kids? You did NOT want to get married?

I say this^^ you say you "caved to her on everything", but it sounds as if you wanted to marry her, & since you have dated a lot more than she has, you were not giving up your youth, she was.

As for kids...well, there aren't any. So what do you mean by saying you "caved to her"? I'm not bringing up the housework issue and how she felt like your mother. Was it really only housework that made her feel that way? What was the ulitmate plan for kids? Was the Japan trip a delay for children?

(Good job making sure the house is spotless, btw).

Also, how did her parents resolve conflicts?

So, try to dig deeper about whatever you can work on - that fits in your sandbox. Meaning, the things you want to work on, in you which MAY be things that concern her. This is for you, but it may also help with the m.

This way we can try to help you in the event of her turning her head to look. Which I believe will happen, regardless of what else is going on with her. I mean that.

She's young and my guess is she's revisiting the whole "I married already!!??" issue.

I married at 21 after meeting my h freshman year of college. I had a LOT of second thoughts about marrying so young, (and I was in love with h!) Youth is youth.

BTW, I think her desire to end things quickly is partly b/c she's in a hurry to figure things out and YET to considers crossing the bridge back to you, b/c of later regrets, is telling.

It's as if she wants a period of freedom but still to know you are an option. In time, that will probably have to change. But if there are things you are not yet seeing, that you may want to change, I might hesitate before going dark.

When you two did fight, (OR when you got your way after a disagreement) - what did she behave like, later?

Did you feel that without a threat from her to leave, that you may have dominated too much? I'm not bashing you for it, b/c it happens. Plus The age difference may lead to that...

still, it can eat away at her self esteem AND OR help build up resentments. IF she's got no way of expressing anger or hurt feelings, sometimes the only way those can be expressed is by repressing and then...bolting.

I read somewhere that the most likely spouses to remarry are those who married young. She was young.

Just a thought.

Hang in there and gird yourself for some weird sad times.

Hey, Can you go ahead and go to Japan for a short time? That would give her space, help you detach AND cross an item off your bucket list.

I'm spitballing here, but thought I'd throw that out.

Jason, you have a lot of things going in your favor. Have faith.

And a more patience than you knew existed...

[Dawgs]

25 makes a whole lot of sense!

Just remember the butterfly analogy. Keep your hand open and provide a safe space for when the butterfly decides to land again...

[JasonWe]

Did you say she married you when you were 29 & she was only 19?

That's very young. Especially if she lead a sheltered life before then.

no..we met when she was 19 and i was 29. we married several years later when she was 24 in 2014. she PUSHED for married almost months into our relationship. i put it off for long enough that I "knew" that heartbreak wouldn't be an issue. i don't handle it well.

And you did NOT want kids? You did NOT want to get married?

I knew i wanted kids...i just didn't want to HAVE them lol. not until we started trying...then i really wanted them. again it was something that she pushed for very early on. i just wasn't ready for it until i said...alright..this is forever.

Was the Japan trip a delay for children?

I wouldn't have thought it would be. I even thought it would be amazing to raise kids in another country...or at least for a year or so. i had brought this up since we met...just suddenly it appeared as a "we want different things" type issue. so i almost don't think it was the real reason...just an excuse to blow things up.

Also, how did her parents resolve conflicts?

I don't really know.. i've never seen them fight. they're very young acting and while they seem different on the surface...have a lot in common. i'm very much like her father i guess...which is why we get along so well.

She's young and my guess is she's revisiting the whole "I married already!!??" issue.

this feels painfully accurate.

It's as if she wants a period of freedom but still to know you are an option. In time, that will probably have to change. But if there are things you are not yet seeing, that you may want to change, I might hesitate before going dark.

i don't understand. are you saying that i SHOULD be in more contact with her? :-\

When you two did fight, (OR when you got your way after a disagreement) - what did she behave like, later?

our fights were never about anything important..or so it seemed at the time. so we would argue for a few minutes and then get over it. i come from a family where my parents DID fight a lot...but then 30 minutes later it would be.."ok what's for dinner". no grudges. generally if we argued...i'd end it by tickling her and trying to meet in between. she'd get mad that i wouldn't let her stay mad for too long.

Did you feel that without a threat from her to leave, that you may have dominated too much? I'm not bashing you for it, b/c it happens. Plus The age difference may lead to that...

i don't think i necessarily dominated...but i might have been a little needy. we have completely opposite schedules.. so when she had time off and decided to spend it with her friends...it made me get needier. her desire to go out to a bar one night was met with an "you're a married woman...why do you need to go to a bar?"...which came off as very "dad" to her. which i totally understand.

Hey, Can you go ahead and go to Japan for a short time? That would give her space, help you detach AND cross an item off your bucket list.

i don't know if this is possible right now. i'm currently in a job that i probably don't deserve. lol i work in times square and i lucked out even getting it. i've been here for 13 years now and i'd be afraid to leave it due to the chance of not being able to get another one.
plus...thanks to the housing market..i don't think i could sell my house for even what i owe on it...and it's a co-op so i can't rent it out. yay. >:[

[JasonWe]

i should add that she is 26 now and i am 36. 1980 and 1990

[180Man]

So...my W also loves and cares deeply for me yet wants an "amicable divorce." My W also did not want to work on things very much -- we had about five weeks of counseling, once a week and didn't get very far partially because the counselor sucked and partially because it was very early for us to actually be getting anywhere with our situation.

Much like you, I find it hard to understand why you would leave a marriage so easily without at least trying to fight for it for a while. I saw a link on reddit a couple months ago about a place in Eastern Europe that puts couples who want a divorce in a room for a week straight and has done so for like two hundred years. Supposedly in that time there has only been one couple to emerge from the room and want a divorce. I can find the link if you're really interested.

Anyways, I wanted to reply to your band situation. I also play and have for a long time. I would love to find myself a band to play with right now and I really understand that feeling of...almost like euphoria when you're playing with a band and everything just grooves and it's perfect. I get it. I also understand the desire to go to Japan -- my wife and I talked about the exact same thing and tried to go there ourselves but couldn't get the transfers with our jobs.

I feel you, I get it. I think you should seriously consider leaving the band. You would have left the band to go to Japan, right? Your FIL will understand. It's gonna suck to not have a musical outlet like that, but I think you should at least give it some serious thought.

I have not talked to my W's family for about five weeks now. My W's family is on my side, but at the end of the day she is their daughter and I am just a guy she brought home eight years ago.

[JasonWe]

living in japan right now doesn't even really interest me. it was more of something that I knew we both would love. i don't think i'm emotionally prepared right now to do it alone. as far as the band...we're currently on a break right now anyway...with all the stuff going on...we're not taking any current gigs.

i have other bands and commitments that would also keep me from just picking up and leaving. it was never something that i wanted to do right now...it was just something that i hoped for the two of us to do in the future.

[JasonWe]

i am also under the impression that right now she is researching "uncontested divorce" services. i honestly don't know what this means and am kind of crushed that it's real enough to her that she is pushing for it this quickly. i almost thought it would've been something that she would've put off for a little while.

in new york...how long does something like that take? and how do i react to it if she brings it up? it'd be really hard not to get emotional or resentful if she were to start discussing it with me candidly. :\

[25yearsmlc]

I just wanted to share something about in laws.

20 years ago, My oldest brother left his wife, whom I loved. I don't think he had an OW, (but he was delusional about his dating prospects).

Anyway, I'm still close to my former SIL, and I probably talk to her more than I speak to my brother. I'm not mad at my brother, I think we are fairly close, but I'm just still close to her.

She & I have vacationed together and I really like her "new" h (married for 17 years). So it can happen.

FWIW, fast forward 4-5 years and my brother remarried a kind, smart woman. I like her a lot too. But deep down I know he regrets leaving his first w.

In contrast, I believe with my heart of hearts, that my former SIL is happier now than she ever could have been with my brother. She was the giver in the marriage and he was the taker. She was broken hearted when he wanted out. But now she's content. FWIW, My brother seems chronically melancholic.

I'm not saying it makes me happy to have a sad brother. It doesn't. But I told him at the time that he was
"Making the biggest mistake of his life" and it was.

You can maintain some form of R with your in laws but you'll have to let them do the initiating
.
just let them know you'll always care about them and someday hope to be able to play in the band, & IF they reach out, be sure to show up.
Their d is off limits for you bring up, but they'll probably ask you personal questions and you can set boundaries if you need to.

I'm just saying you don't have to lose all of them. Takes time.

It's not that common but it IS possible.

I'm from a big family. At my mom's funeral last summer, every ex was there. Including my sisters' former father in law. (She has maintained a relationship with them and it shows).

It meant a lot to me and my siblings to have so many people who loved our mom show up , even if they didn't work out as a spouse for a sibling.

You still have a lot more going for you than many. Have faith and hang in there.

((( )))

[JasonWe]

I doubt that i'll ever totally lose touch with her family...although some of them are hours away and i will likely not see them again unless we get back together. i love her grandfather and aunts and little cousins...and they have welcomed me into their family like i never could've imagined.

last night i had a very particularly hard night. i think when i discovered that she was searching out "uncontested divorce" resources...i had a true realization that she might never come back. i'm aware that it's probably healthy to know that it's a possibility...but i don't think i'm ready to accept it yet. i basically sobbed uncontrollably for about an hour. talking to her to myself. begging her to come back. i still resist the urge to call or text her....but i can't help obsessing over the fact that i wish she would call or text me that wasn't related to splitting up or anything.
I wish she would want to go to breakfast every saturday...as i felt like i had as much control as i needed last weekend.

my biggest fear in this method is...at what point is giving her all this space only allowing her the chance to "get over me" easier?
could i be doing more damage by NOT speaking to her?
what excuses could or should i use to get in touch...or not at all? i'm getting to the very confused and concerned stage of this. not sure if that's a natural progression...but it's here.