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OwnIt #2752936 07/25/17 12:45 AM
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The gist of the lawyer contact will pretty no gist. Dan's lawyer contacted my lawyer to ask if my lawyer had actually been retained and then suggested lawyer-assisted mediation. I'm not sure what that means, but I have zero intentions of showing up on a room with EX/OM to do face to face mediation. I am willing to talk to my lawyer who can talk to EX/OM's lawyer. The first step will be financial disclosure, I guess, which is going to be super complicated because you can't tell what I own without a discussion of what H owns. And, if there are assessments of pensions, that is going to take 3 months though legally, EX/OM has no right to pensions. In our jurisdiction, common law relationships can take a former partner to court for part of a pension, but there's a huge burden of proof that they have to demonstrate that I don't think they have. And, I don't think they can put a claim to any portion of H's pension that I would own if H and I separated without taking H to court or H actually moving to separate with me. I'm sort of lost on how that happens, but my lawyer seems to have a plan.

She also understands that I want to drag my feet.

Me: Lawyer, you know I don't want this, right?
Her: Yeah, I know.
Me: So, I'm probably not going to prioritize this very highly.
Her: Well, I have some time consuming trials coming up.
Me: You know, I'm a really firm believer in work life balance. I would never want you to overextend yourself for me.
Her: (laughs).

And, I read your thread OwnIt and I'll comment later, but your H doesn't seem to deserve a lot of accolades. I can see my H trying when his anxiety and depression aren't owning him... and, all he's trying to do is to develop a self. He expresses terror at the idea of being in a R with me and I never bring up anything beyond "working on our friendship" or any kind of long term future. But, he is trying to develop a self and he's trying to do better with his anxiety and fear. He has acknowledged the way he has used it as a weapon against me, to shut me down, and he is trying to find other ways.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2752937 07/25/17 12:46 AM
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I'm doing a bad job with not using names. Job, if you come through, can you X the names out in my last two posts. (sigh).


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2752952 07/25/17 01:26 AM
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Yes, when people aren't in a rush the legal system can take a very long time. EX/OM is going to drive his lawyer batty with the jumbled mess. I would imagine the tension between the two of them will continue to mount as your H drags his heels and EX/OM can't get anywhere.

OwnIt #2753088 07/25/17 08:48 AM
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And in trying to sort through my reactions and responsibilities there. A part of me is thrilled at the idea of their tension mounting, obviously, so then I feel immediately guilty. But, what I am doing right now is acting in my own best interests, as I see them. To do otherwise is a disservice to myself.

I would happily separate w ex/om. But, my read on h is that he feels bound to ex/om and would move w them. Maybe that would even be a great thing bc he wouldn't get to cake eat any more in terms of financial comfort w my income while getting emotional needs met (kind of?) with ex/om.

But I go back to the simple advice here to use lawyers as shields to reduce negative emotional tension and to stall for time. It's good advice and I think it's in my best interest, especially when it's ex/om driving. It's weird to have an ow character actually able to legally initiate.

Ex/om certainly isn't looking out for me, so I am.not sure why I feel bound to look out for them. Need to work on that.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2754037 07/30/17 10:00 AM
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Okay, how do you know when the mid life crisis might be ending?

My H has actually been a human being for the last week. He has stated gentle boundaries, been accountable, and has actually provided me significant care last night 1) even though I didn't ask for it 2) saw my terror in accepting his care and told me what he would do to make sure that the care didn't backfire 3) stuck to his commitment 4) when the emotional debriefing conversation after I accepted care but before care was provided got too much for him said, "Is there much more you need to say about this tonight? I'm noticing the first flutters of anxiety, and I'm curious if we can wrap the more emotional conversation up soon."

As the care involved spending time with me when I was being eaten by anxiety and invovled swapping our household schedule, EX/OM also was involved. When I thanked EX/OM, I heard actual warmth in their voice. Later, when I asked H why he thought EX/OM suggested a "night out switch", H said, "I think EX/OM had some alterior motives. I'm tired, so I'm maybe not good company. I think EX/OM wanted to take this kids to this [super cool special event]. I also think it's EX/OM's way of expressing care, but EX/OM would never admit it. And, please don't thank them for expressing care, as EX/OM will just redouble efforts to make sure that you don't think EX/OM cares about you."

Like, my H has never been this compassion or caring or articulate or able to predict and manage an emotional outcome. After we went rock climbing and he coached me in a way that always makes me feel so supported, we went out to eat at the usual restaurant. While eating, H told me about his process, the state of his mind, that he has been doing his own reading about MLC and thinks it fits, that he is scared of needing people but realizes he does need people, and what he plans to do in the immediate future to have his own community of people. I actually joked and said, "Do you really think you're in a MLC?" He said, "Do you think I am?" I said, "It doesn't matter what I think, but the reading says that if YOU think you're in an MLC, it means you might be almost done with it. People in MLC don't call it that until they're almost through!" We both laughed. I told him I plan to throw myself a party on the upcoming anniversary of "bomb drop" because all of the growth that we've both done is worth celebrating.

So, tonight, EX/OM is actually off to emerg with H, as EX/OM has a ?UTI. H didn't hesitate to go with EX/OM. He noticed my tears and said, "Bringing up some hard feels, eh?"

I talked about how in April of 2015, I was hospitalized for almost a week with a brutal pelvic infection related to my IUD and H complained bitterly about going to emerg with me for four days in a row when I had a fever of over a hundred and apparently a 3 X 2 X 3 cm infectious sac of fluid on my fallopian tubes. The pain was excruciating. As a survivor of childhood trauma, I especially needed him to stay with me through the seemingly hundreds of internal exams. And, he made sure I knew how much he resented it.

Today, he said, "Yeah, I was in a super bad place. I'm sorry."
"When did it start," I asked?
"I don't know. A long time ago."
"Wow, you held it together for a long time. That must have been so hard."

So, like, I'm trying to take nothing for granted, but how do you know when maybe it's about to end? And, then what? And, if he's sane(r), what changes? The coach the other day said, "Wow, your H sounds actually super reasonable. What makes you think he is having a MLC?" I described September to February and she said, "I'm convinced! I'm convinced!"

So, that's life here. What should I expect next?


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2754079 07/30/17 03:45 PM
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Survive, from what I have read of Job, doesn't sound like he is coming out yet. I think you are just a really good DBer. I am impressed!

OwnIt #2755127 08/05/17 03:16 PM
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So, H went away to the family cottage for a week by himself and I worked very hard to not contact him. I did call him a couple of times for time sensitive inquiries, but I made the inquiry and hung up any other conversation. I was pretty anxious about his homecoming and I practically jumped out of my chair when he came home 2 hours earlier than I expected him.

He was still human. No monster. He kept trying to make pleasant chat with me and I, initially, answered super briefly and sort of shut him out (mostly because I was busy being terrified). I eventually told him some really touching stories about my time alone with my S8.

H had told me that he was in a really bad place when I was in the hospital. I am reading Lerner's book about the dance of anger and thinking a lot about triangles and I said, "Hey, I'm curious about something. I am going to ask and you can answer now, later, or never but if you were already feeling suffocated when I was admitted to the hospital and you weren't telling me in a way that I could hear, were you venting to EX/OM. I wouldn't be surprised if you were and it's pretty human, but in thinking about triangles, it would explain some of the shifting in our house."

To which he replied, "No, I wasn't even articulating it to myself. I just knew I didn't want to be anywhere near that hospital and felt like I had no choice, I had to be there. Which meant I couldn't even choose to be there. And, it was so emotional for you, it was like a double whammy. No, the thoughts I remember having were that part of me wondered how close you were to dying and part of me sort of hoped you would."

He said it flatly and sadly. My legitimate response, actual authentic response was, "Wow, that must have been so hard to live with. Gosh, I can't imagine how lonely that was for you. Thank you for telling me your truth."

"I'm less afraid of telling you... the truth now. Less invested in what you think."

"If we want our relationship to get better, it has to mean being actually honest with each other. Kindly but radically honest."

So, tomorrow, we're going to scuba diving which is like 4 hours more of a hang out than our usual weekly climbing and a lot more car time. Last time we went diving, he was all full of nervous anxiousness and worried about everything that could go wrong interpersonally and feeling "trapped". This time, he seems legitimately excited.

It is so hard to stay detached, keep my guard up, and also enjoy this human being so much.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2755156 08/06/17 03:56 AM
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Survive, you rock at this. In reading your post either here or to the newcomer, it never occurred to me that you have always had to do a lot of this stuff negotiating your relationship with three people. You've had so much more practice and I think your lifestyle in general makes you a lot more open to your wants and needs and better at expressing them.

I think you are making great progress. It should get easier to be detached as you go go along. It seems your H is beginning to open up to you a bit and it is great that you guys are enjoying spending time together. All foundations for what needs to come.

OwnIt #2755926 08/10/17 09:33 AM
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Thanks OwnIt. And, thanks for checking in on me when I get absent.

So, report from the land of confused...

H continues to seem like a human being. I actually had a (delayed) trauma response to him last week... I'm not sure what exactly triggered it, but there it was. He handled it like a champ. I didn't go into a lot of detail, but I acknowledged it as a response to his emotionally abusive behaviour Sept to Feb while maintain as much non-blaming as I could and saying I understood he behaved that way because he had no other tools in his toolbox and that I don't think *he* is abusive.

He listened, within reason, encouraged me not to hide my emotions from him but to let him decide if he can handle them or not.

"We got here because I hid my feelings and need from you. We don't get out of it by you doing what I used to do. If I can respond to your fear without being a monster, it'll probably go a long way towards helping you to work through it."

Like, whoah?

Still no email from the lawyer with an update. It's been over 3 weeks since she said she was going to talk to EX/OM's lawyer and fill me in.

Yesterday was the anniversary of our threesome commitment ceremony. I had a great day, took my S8 on the dive boat and then to pinball, and hung out with my friends. It was such a lovely way to reclaim that day.

So, the one year anniversary of the bomb drop is coming up. I know how to handle that!

I've decided I'm throwing a party with my closest friends where we're going to take over the spa and they're all going to say nice things about me. I'm going to actively celebrate the ENORMOUS personal growth I've done this year (whether I wanted to or not).

I told H I was going to throw a party for myself, and he looked at me with wide eyed wonder. I mean, I obviously have to follow through.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2755957 08/10/17 03:04 PM
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I love your updates. Something positive and hopeful and people actually communicating feelings. Does it get any better than that?

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