Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Kyh]

Hi Brubeck,

Sorry you're dealing w/this. Reminds me of when my w contacted her attorney because the dogs got in a fight, lol. I don't have much to offer but just wanted to say to keep a journal of these things if you aren't already. The journal I kept was inavaluable when I had to get a guardian attorney.

Good luck w/ the job search and keep taking care if yourself and your kids.

[Gordie]

How are you doing? How is the job search? Are you guys still under the same roof?

[Brubeck]

Hi Gordie - thanks for asking about me.

I am almost 3 months unemployed. I've interviewed with 6 companies so far. I've been passed over every time, but it really hasn't fazed me yet. I've signed on with 2 headhunter agencies last week and hope to see some more interviews. I am collecting unemployment and still have some severance pay left. I am making a point not to get upset or anxious about this. My first year of being a LBS included much lost sleep and skipped meals. I am making strides in dealing better with my anxiety. I am going to keep looking for a job, but I am not going to worry about it.

I shared this with my friend MW, who reminded me that this is really the FIRST time I am looking for a job in today's climate. I am pretty lucky to get to the age of 43 before having to pound the pavement for a paycheck. The other thing I am learning about while going on job interviews is to allow myself mistakes - I am simply not going to land a job from the first interview I get. I am acknowledging that these mistakes are part of the process and I am drawing the lesson from them whenever I can. It's the Capricorn in me - beating myself up when things don't turn out perfect or when I don't feel like the Master.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting and I feel I am possibly no longer standing. I may just be in an anger phase once again. I am just waiting out the D to its inevitable conclusion. When W filed for D, it energized me to DB even more, and I needed to. Anger and fear motivated a lot of my behavior and it's something I needed (and still need) to change. I know I can justify the anger and fear within me by looking at the sitch she's created, but I know it's not healthy for me, and it doesn't feel healthy. I know this corner of my heart that's been turned to stone by her BD and subsequent behavior is not good for me.

Nonetheless, over the past 3 months, I slowly feel like I am arriving at the conclusion that I am just really repulsed by all of her behavior. D or no D, I don't want to feel this way forever. I think she's disgusting, and I want these feelings to go away. I'd rather be happy.

One of my mother's comments to me about my sitch was that she sensed some jealousy on my part about OM. I never considered it because one thing I truly never struggled with in my life was envy. I also can say that in 19 years with W, the last freaking thing I ever worried about was adultery. I wouldn't have married her if that was any concern in the back of my mind. Until BD, it wasn't a possibility. Her A may be the first time I am grappling with jealousy. There may be some corner of my mind I haven't acknowledged yet.

I guess I am jealous of OM. Her A definitely makes me feel inadequate. I do wonder - why does she prefer him? From what I've gathered, OM spends so much time on the phone with my W because he's basically sitting around waiting for his own W to call. OM is separated. His W calls him - whenever she feels like it - to come over and be her Temporary Husband for the evening (homework with the kids, cook dinner, etc). This guy doesn't do anything else but sit in his apartment all night talking to my W about the most banal minutia. OM calls her 5 or 6 times a day, usually to tell her about the latest work place drama, and she hangs on to every word. I. Don't. Get. It.

The jealousy, the fear, the anger - I guess they all grow from the same place; my ego. I don't know how to handle this. I don't think I am doing the heavy work on myself yet. I think I am only in the process of acknowledging what I think I need to do to free myself.

As for W, nothing has changed. 3 months of unemployment has got me spending even more time at home. I see she spends the entire day gripping her cell phone for talking / texting / video games / TV shows. I've come to rename her "One Armed [W's name]".

She has been going to the gym 3 - 4 nights a week. She's lost a lot of weight, she's nearing a figure closer to when I first met her. Still crazily applying creams to her face, still plucking body hair whenever possible, still starving herself and then breaking her diet once a week with jelly beans or an Italian beef sandwich.

A lot of her MLC stuff is still ever present - nightly insomnia, memory lapses, shark eyes, avoiding responsibility and decisions, leaving the house whenever possible, thinning hair and black circles under her eye sockets. She's been trying harder with our sons lately, but a lot of that is still overloading them with toys and junk food and sweets.

I am GALing more, not exactly the things I want to do, but getting out of the house helps.

I am catching up on many current threads here. You guys are tough.

[skm0619]

Brubeck.......I have been reading along on your sitch and today after reading what you put I thought I would say thank you for sharing your thoughts. This is what you said that really made me think:

Anger and fear motivated a lot of my behavior and it's something I needed (and still need) to change. I know I can justify the anger and fear within me by looking at the sitch she's created, but I know it's not healthy for me, and it doesn't feel healthy. I know this corner of my heart that's been turned to stone by her BD and subsequent behavior is not good for me.

This made me look at how I have been behaving in regard to my anger. It is something that can consume me quite easily. I am really trying to learn to let it go.....some days are better then others.

Good luck to you on your job search.

[Gordie]

Gordie: Brubeck, thanks for the update, sounds like a lot has happened, internally:

Brubeck: I am going to keep looking for a job, but I am not going to worry about it.

Gordie: This is the right attitude. This can also overlap with your GAL activities. Network like crazy, go meet up with old colleagues, clients, acquaintances. I have never gotten a new job through a headhunter, always through networking.

Brubeck: Nonetheless, over the past 3 months, I slowly feel like I am arriving at the conclusion that I am just really repulsed by all of her behavior. D or no D, I don't want to feel this way forever. I think she's disgusting, and I want these feelings to go away. I'd rather be happy.

Gordie: I know that feeling...of wanting the negative feelings to go away. Like you, I don't want to be angry and sad and bitter for the rest of my life...and as you know, you don't have to be...you can choose the opposite.

Brubeck: I guess I am jealous of OM. Her A definitely makes me feel inadequate. I do wonder - why does she prefer him?

Gordie: I think we all have these thoughts...but I urge you not to dwell on them. Nothing good will come of it.

Gotta run...more later...

[Brubeck]

Mental hygiene update. I know I ramble.

I'm realizing I never posted here as much as I thought I should because I got the same advice over and over from other posters. I suppose I wasn't listening. I was discussing some recent outburst from W and my mother pointed out that I am always "re-loading the spring" to get ready for more of her drama and to react with anger on the basis that I don't deserve this. I think she's right.

I'm making improvements at GALing, detaching, validating and being non-confrontational with W. I'm not where I want to be, but I can see the difference between now and last summer when I was a blubbering pile of tears talking to myself all night. I'm also taking steps in facing fears - tiny ones. It's never a specific fear that I have, but just the general fear of entering situations with anticipation that something will go wrong.

GALing means stepping away from here as well. I still check in a couple times a week to catch up as much as I can. Irish, Gordie, HaWho, SBJ, bttrfly, Coly23, Pax, FightOn, CaliGuy... I'm still following you. Soldier on. I don't know if Mach1 is still posting. Hate to say it, but I've grown to like his 2x4s - whoever he's swinging at.

Three weeks ago, I started using the library for internet access while my computer was being repaired. It was so peaceful to job hunt online without 2 little kiddos climbing all over me. I am still visiting the library daily just to read a periodical or watch something on my tablet. I love my boys so much, and I feel bad when I leave them alone with W and her mood swings, but I need to decompress. Anyway, she's determined to go the single mom route so she might as well get a taste of it.

Still job hunting. Unemployed for 4 months now. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I have enjoyed the downtime. I am keeping busy with submitting my resume wherever I can. I am also taking online seminars on ways to improve my resume and my online profile, so my resume is a work in progress.

I hope I got a break this week. I interviewed with a company on Monday. They called the next day to schedule a 2nd interview with the immediate management staff that I would be working with. I interviewed on Friday with 2 supervisors and felt a decent rapport with both of them. I got a great feeling from everybody that I met. It's the same type of management position, just a different industry. I was told not to expect to hear from anyone for another week. After so many rejection e-mails and no replies from resume submittals, it was encouraging to be requested for a 2nd interview within the same week. As I left, the doorman in the lobby joked with me that he knew I was gonna get the job just based on the suit I wore.

W's MLC Friends and real friends all seemed to disappear at once for about a week - so she was focused on the boys for a while and being nicer to them, but not as interactive as before. The alien soon returned - whisper-to-a-scream commands and lectures, lectures, lectures. Good Heavens, she loves to sit them down and babble for upwards of 10 minutes about why they need to clean their room or why she "isn't the maid around here". I wonder if this how MIL treated her growing up.

W is the same. In bed - TV, texting, video games. Now she takes ephedrine tablets in the day and melatonin pills in the evening. Up until 2 AM every night, often sleeping in her clothes. Telling the kids "go ask/tell your father" whenever possible. Trying to turn EVERY conversation into an argument. I noticed a few instances where she went without bathing for 2 - 3 days. I don't think she noticed the time passing. Her new obsession is having no body hair.

Still on phone with OM all day and night, gossiping about other people's problems and listening to him talk about his job or his M problems. She hasn't had any late night "mystery" disappearances in a while. I think OM is just an EA now, but I could be wrong. I don't care right now. I am DBing for the sake of it, but I don't feel as if I'm standing.

W stopped preparing dinner for the boys, they ask me for it. She also doesn't help S8 with homework anymore, so I step in whenever necessary (Common core math is ridiculous). Nonetheless, whenever the boys get the house too dirty, she grinds her teeth at me and repeats how she can't wait for the D to be finalized so she can "do this all my way!".

Last week, S3 was visiting MIL downstairs. I hear him crying and coming up the basement staircase towards the 1st floor. MIL was bringing him upstairs because he got a bloody nose. The thing that stood out was when MIL got to the top of the staircase, she opened the door and called out for me, not W. That's never happened before, ever. She may be acquiescing to the fact that I'm the more attentive parent these days.

I did a load of my laundry a few days later. MIL has a habit of taking loads out of the washer and putting them in the dryer no matter whose it is. I came downstairs to the laundry room to find that she typically put my clothes in the dryer, but she got hangers and hung up all my shirts as well. Another first.

MIL recently returned from 3 weeks in Guatemala. While she was gone, W's oldest sister suddenly appeared for weekly visits and frequent phone calls. Strange thing is, big sis lives 90 minutes away and only bothers to visit or call during major holidays. Once MIL returned from Guatemala, big sis stopped her contact. It's possible big sis just doesn't want to hang out with my W while MIL is there, but I can't help wonder if MIL asked big sis to visit and keep an eye on W while she was in Guatemala.

Big sis is on the verge of D herself (15 years of raging alcoholism has taken it's toll). I heard W on the phone with her saying how they're going to support each other through this difficult time. It's the deaf leading the blind as far as I'm concerned, both are too lost in their own fog to be empathetic towards anyone else, but it's healthy for them to try.

MIL recently shared with W that while she was in Guatemala she went to a church and lit prayer candles for all her daughters, and said something along the lines of "I'm hoping you'll get through all of this but that may include having to get your head out of the sand".

Despite the unemployment, despite legal costs of the D, and despite W's roller coaster moods towards the boys, I am making a point not to panic about anything. I can't say I'm happy with everything, but I am feeling content that I am maintaining under these circumstances. Peace to all.

[25yearsmlc]

Brubeck

God forgive me but there were moments I read your last post and just SMH, and other times I had to laugh. I'm sorry, but it's SO insane sounding,

and offensive - as a woman especially - that I guess laughter is my coping tool.

I recall your history some, (and read most of your thread)

but has anyone at any time (other than you, of course) suggested she get a physical?

I've been thru menopause. It's not a venue for insanity. So I do NOT want to throw out some "Change of life insanity excuse"

partly b/c it offends me a woman. Plus, I've seen far too many LBS h's around pointing to the change of life as THE reason their m's are in crisis ("crazy w's") and it deflects from themselves and frankly, there are times it's just misguided. Way Too simple.

But women do know more about this now. When I had hot flashes, I went to get some help, when my libido was affected, I got some meds.

(Otherwise it'd be like saying "Oh, I can't taste food anymore - so I'll just eat this gruel to live...and serve it to my family too.")

But the sleeping cycles and binge/starvation eating and what sounds like laziness to such a degree as to = depression. Has she gotten an endocrine tests for maybe Possibly a thyroid issue? A pituitary problem? Extreme hormonal swings?

Same with the decreased interest in the kids, which is NOT common in my experience.


For mothers and especially most SAHM's, being a good mother is THE priority and THE source of our identity...
so, how our children view us, knowing they are our priority, is the single most important perspective we (usually) care about.

Your w's behaviors are so unhealthy & mean & crazy sounding (new??) habits. How new are they?

And throw in the wanting her L to "order you to fix the sink!" (yeah...that's a normal thing to say...) or when she says she "can't wait for the D so she can clean HER WAY!!..."

I'm not suggesting you say anything to her, b/c you know, you're you.

But otherwise?? Anyone else say a word to her? Anyone? (Bueller??)

- and what's the time line for the D?

When could you get out of this situation, if it came down to it?

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I think I like your MIL. What a lousy position for her to be placed in.

Don't assume she's your enemy...and she may be terrified of what the future holds, for her. Or prepping to return to Guatemala? God help her.

And btw, if any DBer has a kid grow up to pull this crap on their families, ever,

I hope we can all agree to do some real "Splainin'" to them...

So help me, down the road if my s30 or d's pull a stunt like this w/ their families, or what their dad is doing,

our r will not be the same.

Anyhow, a friend of the family sent me the note below. I think it may help you to find some peace. (She liked my h, btw.)


Please - everything he says is just BS at this point.

25- IDK if he will ever be able to be truly at peace with what he has done to you and the kids...
Seriously.

Not saying this to console you, or make you feel superior;

but I think he will be haunted by his actions - one way or another - for the rest of his life.
If he is a decent human being, regret, shame and guilt will
sooner or later get the best of him.

You simply cannot inflict such pain and damage to those who

Love you the most, and emerge unscathed.

And if he is truly devoid of kindness and empathy, then you are better off without him, despite so much pain and destruction.

You WILL rise above all of this and THRIVE. You just need to have faith (even when sometimes you cannot fathom things getting better) and really fake it till you make it.

You and your kids deserve better after so many years of struggling as a family.

[FightOn]

Hi Brubeck!! So nice to hear from you.

Please don't feel guilty for needing a little downtime from the little ones. We all need it and get it when we can. Especially when we are the primary caretaker, we need time to take care of ourselves to recharge our batteries and re center ourselves. Enjoy it and don't think twice about it. You deserve it.

I am sorry things are still crazy in Casa Brubeck. Your W sounds like she needs help.

Like 25 says, the way she is acting toward her children is unnatural. Has she always been like this?

Congrats on the 2nd job interview! I will send up a prayer that you get it.

It sounds like you have a secret ally in your MIL. And the way you describe how your SIL popped in and then popped out it does sound like your MIL might have had her check on W while she was gone. Your MIL knows what is up and she probably doesn't just see it with the way your W is acting; she probably sees how your children are reacting to the situation. It has been that way in my sitch. H's family has seen how S behaves around H and they know.

Hang in there. You are doing awesome!

[Pax_luv]

Just popping in and hoping that you hear something positive from the interview!