Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
J
JasonWe Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
My wife left me and wants an amicable divorce. From what I can tell...the changes started beginning around November December when she was promoted in her job. It wasn't a huge promotion...but what it did was decrease our time together from a few weeknights and two weekend days down to no weeknights and one and a half weekend days.
Christmas and New Years seemed ok to me but then she was sick for most of January with the flu. So if she was acting any differently I wouldn't have noticed it was anything serious. Around mid January we got into an argument because I had expressed interest in living in Japan for a few months to a year with her. This was the catalyst that started the downfall. This is something that I've mentioned for years and it was never a problem until now. "We just seem to want different things." She claims.
A few days of that fight lead her to apologize and say "when the time comes we'll decide that together." I was content with that and it went away.
Suddenly she had a bit of a breakdown BECAUSE the problem just went away. I had said it was resolved. What more is there to talk about? Another day of arguing and she came home from work and told me that she was going to spend some time at a friend's house because "all we did was fight"...which we didn't really. In the 7 years of knowing her and the almost 3 years of marriage...we argued maybe a handful of times. The rest was smiles and happiness and plans for the future etc.
Asking her what was wrong only got the response of "I don't know. I'm just not happy." When I asked what she wanted "I don't know". Her answer to it was that she "just needed time alone to fix herself."
My reaction to that was "no...you don't just walk away from a marriage when things get hard. That's not what you signed up for and it's not fair." She pulled away even harder.
The only criticisms that I got from her is that she felt like she did all the housework which is partially true due to the fact that years ago she had worked a seasonal job and I made the comment that if she's going to be off for 5 months at a time...coming home to her watching a season of anime with the house a disaster was kind of shitty. So she took on a majority of the household chores. The PROBLEM was that when she switched jobs...she never made any protest about doing the housework so it just didn't occur to us to divide the work evenly which I never would've opposed to.
Her comment was that she "felt like my mother cleaning up every day". I can completely understand that.
After she had decided to leave and spend a few days at the hotel she worked at she decided to come home for the weekend. The weekend of February 11-12. We had a decent half day on Saturday and Sunday we were snowed in and watched movies all day. Separate sides of the couch. If I touched her leg or rubbed her back...she didn't pull away...but she didn't seek it out or want to cuddle like she used to. At the end of Sunday I attempted to initiate sex and was shot down. "Not feeling good...not in the mood." Etc. that's been the excuse now since December.
Later on that night...grief and frustration had overcome me and I suggested to her that maybe she should go and live with her parents for a while until she got out of this funk. My hope had been that she would receive some decent guidance from her very rational parents and realize that's she's being silly about this [censored].
This backfired. She got upset. Packed most of her clothing and left the next morning to check back into her hotel. Not what I was hoping.
The next day I spoke to her mom and when I said I want to fix this...she insisted that I call her and tell her to come home. I did...she seemed happy that I asked but then said "well I already paid for it ...I might as well stay a night or two."...I said fine. She then invited me over where we hung out in the room in our pajamas...snuggled and watched TV.
This was the very last time we were physical in any way. At the end of the night I kissed her goodbye and we said I love you to each other and went home.
Tuesday Valentine's Day. We spoke briefly on the phone during the day but she worked late so I didn't get to see her.
Wednesday and Thursday the phone calls became less enthusiastic. Friday I asked her..."so...are you coming home tonight or tomorrow?" She said "no. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet"
I had planned a short trip since we were both off 2 days in a row which never happens. She goes home to her parents house. Sunday she calls me and tells me that she thinks we should separate. I said to her "we ARE separated. You haven't been home in a while. What does this mean? You want a divorce?"
She hesitated and said "yes". That was the moment that my life crashed. I asked why...what about therapy. We haven't even tried to fix this. She said no to therapy. I wept on the phone with her and eventually hung up because her tone was cold and distant. She was just a different person. I still had no real reason as to why she "just wasn't happy anymore." We were making future plans up until a couple of months ago.
I spoke to her mom later that Sunday and asked her why she didn't give it a shot.
My wife called me back and said that she'll find a therapist and we'll go. Ok...so at least she wanted to fix it. (Or so I thought). The next day she sent me the info. March 5th and the address for the therapist. We didn't speak after that for a week. I've been pretty good at giving her space so far. Saturday comes and still a week before the therapy session...i texted her and asked her if she wanted to get a cup of coffee. Her response..."no I think we shouldn't speak until the session. I don't want to do more damage by bringing things up. I'm gathering my thoughts together and we'll speak next week."
This gave me hope. I was excited to hear that she was ready to open up and fix this. We didn't speak for the following week.
Sunday the 5th comes along. I walk into the waiting room and hand her some flowers and the heart shaped cookie that I saved for her from Valentine's Day. She barely looked at me and took them. The waiting room was awkward and cold.
We spoke but about nothing. When we got into the session she made me start which was weird because I honestly didn't know what to say. I wanted to hear HER speak. 10-15 minutes into the very lame session...the therapist asks me "what do you want?" I said I want her to come home so we can learn how to productively communicate better. Then he asked her.
Coldly..."I still want a divorce." This was her feel the whole time. She didn't want to be here. She wasn't ready to open up. And the whole thing was her way of trying to make it clear to me. The woman that I caved in for for everything....getting married...wanting kids...I caved to her on every demand...was now cold as ice.
When we left the office...I sat on the steps and sobbed harder than I ever have in my life. She watched me for a minute but then sat next to me and put her arm around me. She said that she'd help me to my car. We embraced for what seemed like 10 minutes while I cried. She walked me to my car and I left. This was the hardest day I have ever experienced in my entire life. I came home to an empty house...it was spotless because I was sure that she was coming home. I wanted her to come home to a clean house.
We didn't speak again for a week. Weekend of march 11-12 she said that she was going to come down with her parents to get most of her things. I sat at the dining room table with my father in law while she and her mom packed her stuff. Her parents were not happy that this was ending. We all get along really well and they love me. Her father and I even took turns just getting choked up about it.
At the end they went to the car and she sat down at the table with me. I told her to remember that it was "never too late to fix things". She didn't really respond. She just said that she thinks we should just get this over with as quickly as possible. When I suggested "but what if we have a change of heart down the line?" Her response quickly was "so we'll deal with that when the time comes...but right now I think we should just do this quickly and amicably."
When she got up...we hugged and I said "I love you"...she didn't say it back of course...and she left. I cried for hours.
The book "The Divorce Remedy" arrived in my mail that day. I had ordered it a few days earlier.
Thursday March 16th she texted me and said "do you want to meet up for coffee so we can discuss things?" ...meaning how we're going to split up the money. I waited a few hours before responding. "I might not be around...I'll let you know"
I was around. I had nothing going on but I still felt the need to make her wonder a little.
All this time that had gone by...I dropped 20 lbs. I've been eating better and getting somewhat in shape. I wasn't fat but I had a gut. Having had relationships end in the past...I had a small grasp of how to act and take care of yourself. Which is why I used a lot of energy not pursuing her.

Saturday march 18th. Coffee turned into breakfast at our favorite diner. I was a few chapters into the book by now so I had an idea of how to portray myself. The day before I specifically took a free boxing class nearby so that I had something to 'show off.'
Breakfast went well. She complimented my new jacket. Noticed my weight loss. And we both seemed positive. We spoke about the money very briefly but didn't really go into details. She said that she was looking for a place nearby to rent. Which I ignored at first but it came up again so I couldn't ignore it twice. We laughed a few times about various things. When she mentioned that she didn't want to push me out of her life...i responded with..."we're not gonna be friends."
After we ate we lingered with our coffee for like an hour and that's when I knew that I had to be the one to end the day. I said "alrighty...let me go pay"...and we got up and left.
At the car she came in for a hug...she got a one armed hug from me and she went in full. I pulled away after my own 3 second rule and went to get in my car. I didn't tell her that I loved her.
She lingered near the back of my car and gave me a half smile smirk which I'm not sure if it was a semi sad goodbye smile...or an "I feel bad for you" smile.
We haven't spoke this week. Just a text to let me know that she emailed me some tax stuff to be submitted.
No further communication.
Sorry that this was so long. Hope at least some of you make it to the end. I don't know what to do next. frown

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
JasonWe,

Sorry you're in this situation, it's awful. Sounds like you've been handling it well so far. In terms of what to do next, I think more of what you have been doing which is focusing on yourself and your well-being and giving her space.

A couple tips -- I would stop talking to her parents. Those are her parents and she probably needs them herself while she goes through this difficult time. Eventually she will resent you for meddling with them so best to avoid that.

Secondly its often difficult to know how to act and what to say with a person in this situation. Your best bet is "friendly coworker". Treat her as you would a co-worker who seems nice but you don't know that well. You would be pleasant and polite, you'd do something within a reasonable time if asked, but you certainly wouldn't go out of your way to do anything for them, you wouldn't try to impress them, and you wouldn't share anything personal about what you're doing or how you're feeling.

If you treat her as you would a friendly coworker, that's your very best bet for now.

How else can we help?

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Quote:
I would stop talking to her parents. Those are her parents and she probably needs them herself while she goes through this difficult time. Eventually she will resent you for meddling with them so best to avoid that.


^This. If she hasn't already started to resent you, then its coming. And that resentment will lead to pushing her that much further away.

Quote:
If you treat her as you would a friendly coworker, that's your very best bet for now.


Very, very well said. Or maybe not even a "friendly" one, just a co-worker. I like this.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
J
JasonWe Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
well...the problem with that is...i'm actually in a band with her father. so while i haven't spoken to them since last sunday and i've stopped calling them for advice...eventually i'm going to have to be up at her parents house in a rehearsal setting.

I don't think it is actually bothering her in that way though. she seemed more concerned that I would consider leaving the band more than me speaking to her parents any longer.

it seems like the resentment stage ended after the first and very lame therapist session. now it's like a guilt...or i don't know what to call it. "sad eyes syndrome" from her. i know that's not a term...but it's just what i get from her. "sad eyes"...whether it's from "i wish this could work"...or "i'm sorry i did this to you". it's the same look.

Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Let me ask you this - you are in a band with her father. How were his interactions with you when asking for advice? Remember the old adage - blood is always thicker than water.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
J
JasonWe Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
her parents are very religious and traditional. divorce is just not in their vocabulary...and to be completely honest....they have SUPPORTED her...but they're not really siding with her. they of course would never say that out loud. but you can tell that he was generally in the dark about most of this because she's barely opened up to them either. he's said time and time again that he "hopes she just snaps out of this and comes back". he can't really understand what went so badly that it couldn't be worked out. her mom is basically the same way. they love me and i love them. they're the most amazing in-laws i could've hoped for. their love for her and their welcoming to me was one of the main reasons why i said that I didn't want to lose her and i had to marry her.

since we've met...she's had one speed...and that's "overjoyed". she's the happiest and most ridiculously positive and smiley person you'll ever meet. so nobody can really get a grasp of what she's feeling because since we started dating when she was 19 and i was 29...and i had been through all these crazy up and down relationships... i had developed the tools to deal with conflict. she hadn't.
the second she said "oh my god..i'm not happy"...she bailed because in her eyes she had no idea that you could recover from that. i've been unhappy before..but i talk about my feelings and those thoughts eventually level out.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
J
JasonWe Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
oh i have Divorce Remedy. it's amazing so far...i'm about halfway through. never been much of a reader due to my horrendous attention span...but i've given it the same amount of dedication as the last Harry Potter book got. lol

seriously though...this book speaks to me in such a way. I haven't told her about it at all of course. it's my weapon...same as with this site. i'm very good at playing a part if i have to. i know it's a fine line between honesty and slight manipulation...but like Michelle says...everything can kind of be considered manipulation. i'm acting a certain way to get her to react a certain way.

i cry every day when i get home from work. it's my ritual. i lay down on my bed with my cat and sob for like an hour while he headbutts me and then i go on with my night. i've even started a youtube vlog which i have yet to mention anything about my situation because i know she is subscribed to my channel. i don't want her to see me hurting like this.

Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
Do you suspect there may be someone else?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard