Wife with Neighbor Across the Street

[sellout]

Well she is still in the affair with OM. She is sleeping at his house nightly and coming home around 6:30am to help get our son ready for school. She is fully admitting everything and not hiding anything. So, as hard as this is to say this is what I have decided (for the moment). I feel the easy way out is to continue with the divorce, give up and move on with my life. The hard part is to fight with all my being to show her the love, respect, compassion that she showed me over the years. If I continuing to get rejected, then so be it. Whats the worst that can happen...i will get the divorce anyways. It it works then I get my wife and family back. I plan to not mention anything about the ongoing affair and be completely positive and show her that I am the man she always wanted and the father i need to be to our son. With that said, I will detach and do the 180's in the process. Thoughts? Am I off here on my approach?

[MoveFrwd]

In my opinion, the divorce is your choice.

But to me, this feels like incredible cake eating. What would be her incentive to end the affair if she gets all of the benefits of the marriage still?

Im not necessarily saying that divorce is the best way to end the affair. And Im certainly not suggesting that you need to give up and move on. But, in my opinion, allowing her to come and go as she pleases in your marital home while just spending nights with OM doesnt seem like a bad deal for her. What are your boundaries? Why does she get to spend every night out of the house while you act as her babysitter?

Again, this is just my opinion, but it feels like you are placing yourself as her Plan B. If the affair fizzles out, then youll wait around and pick up the scraps. Again, I dont see any reason for her to choose Plan B if it's always there.

[Dawgs]

If the affair fizzles out, then youll wait around and pick up the scraps.

This statement alone speaks volumes on the ridiculousness of things. It's crazy that this is even on the table for some...

[sellout]

so if at the end of the day I still want to save things as crazy as it sounds, what is my next move?

[Dawgs]

so if at the end of the day I still want to save things as crazy as it sounds, what is my next move?

There is nothing you can do. You can't beg, plead, say you are going to change, ask, whatever...so that leaves nothing left. What is best for you is to become the best you can. Nothing else will work. Nothing. Remember the butterfly analogy I've used so much on here? Just in case you've missed it:

Think of your ex (and to some extent, your marriage) as a butterfly. Now, what happens if you squeeze a butterfly in your hand? It kills it, right? Same with your ex...you try to hold on too tightly for fear of losing her (newsflash, already have), then that's just going to push her that much further away. So, what do you do with butterflies? You open your hand so they can fly away...and you must provide a safe hand (place) for that butterfly to land again. If, and only if, she chooses to re-alight in your hand, then she will do under her own choice. If she doesn't, then you need to be prepared for life without her. The key is to fully let her go. Treat yourself - and live - as if she never existed. That's all you can do.

[sellout]

thats my plan. i do plan to let her go but not let go of the idea of things maybe working out one day down the road. I will continue to live in the home, do my fatherly duties as well as take care of the home which is an asset that if things dont work out will sell one day. I will mow the yards, do the dishwasher when it needs to be done, etc... I will not be taken advantage of but will be fair since both of us still own the home and the responsibility. I wont shower her with gifts or compliments but will be nice and respectful. sound like a plan? other ideas?




one other question, I am currently sleeping on the couch. Should I move back into the bedroom (even though she sleeps at OM house most nights)? I dont want to come across as overbearing or pushy.

[MoveFrwd]

so if at the end of the day I still want to save things as crazy as it sounds, what is my next move?

I'd start by arranging a parenting plan. There is no excuse for you to be the only parent home with your son. Letting her come and go as she pleases is ridiculous cake eating. Why should she only be a parent when it's convenient for her?

Then, Id take your master bedroom back. Why on earth are you sleeping on the couch? Your W is out sleeping in another man's bed and you are letting *HER* have the bedroom? Forget that. Id boot her stuff out of there.

You are not going to win her back playing nicely nicely and letting her walk all over you. Have you read any of Sandi's threads on WWs?

[sellout]

Question: during the detaching process, do I pay attention to her, look at her like a woman, compliment her, make her feel special, alive? Or just ignore her and only answer questions she has for me?

[KevinIn]

Question: during the detaching process, do I pay attention to her, look at her like a woman, compliment her, make her feel special, alive? Or just ignore her and only answer questions she has for me?

Treat her like a colleague at work who you kinda know and sometimes say hi to, but aren't close with. Be nice and polite, but brief with your conversations. If that colleague has a new hair style, maybe you'd say something nice. If that colleague wears a revealing shirt, you probably won't say anything.

[sellout]

I like that analogy. Part of the reason i am on the fence is because one of the main issues of the years is that I didn't pay enough attention to her and the attention I did pay was negative. So obviously, no negative attention and maybe a sliding scale approach on the communication.