Wife left two days before our wedding anniversary!

[jbroken]

helies,

That's the plan so far - GD and 180 - and I'm sticking to it.

However, I do believe my W being at her Mother's is working against our chances as there are many including her mother that will influence and encourage to move on. And move on quickly. Not much I can do there I guess.

What is your advice when it comes to our common 'friends'? From the lack of contact with me plus not wishing us on our wedding anniversary, I presume they all know. Would be very hard to believe if they didn't - particularly the ladies. I also presume that she has poisoned all of them against me. And I'm sure she would've have been very convincing of it too. She has literally left me with no one - not a single one of them I can call and say my side of the story.

I needed to speak to a couple of them for something completely unrelated-before all this happened. Talk about bad timing! But, do you think that should be OK? Just not mention it or bring up the current state of affairs. But, if it is mentioned - how should I handle that?

[OwnIt]

As soon as my H left I could see from the phone bill that he was reaching out to a bunch of people that he had not dealt with in years, including his mother who never liked me. The first time I ever met him he told me he couldn't stand her and he didn't have much to do with her for 25 years. He started visiting his brother and brother's kids (he had never gone to see them even though we lived 2 hours away or less for the last 15 years). All of that already seems to have stopped. If the parents and friends weren't in the picture much, it probably won't last. I'm sure he lied to them and they all told him he was doing the right thing and encouraged the break. But in the end he is the one that has to live with it, not them.

We had pretty separate lives. I had my work and friends, and the kids, and their friends and activities. He had work friends and a cousin he talked to. Our families have never interacted. We are both pretty hermit-like.

What I will say is this, do not worry about getting your story out or your side out. I think he is coming back around now because I have done nothing to embarass him. I posted nothing about FB about the split, him, etc. I contacted no one from his family.

If she sees you doing these things, she will know you have not moved on and your going dark and doing 180 will be ineffective. I think people will remind you that you are doing those things for yourself, not her. As you get a little further down the road you will realize that.

Try doing what you would normally do with your common friends, but don't talk about the situation. Don't paint her negatively or seek for them to take sides. By focusing on getting your story out, you are making this a battle of attrition. You are setting yourself up as the other side.

If people bring it up just thank them for caring and remind them that we all go through challenges in our lives and you are just moving on with yours. If she gets that message back it will be a jolt to her far more than you telling her friends and family all of the less than pleasant details. People are attracted to strength, not weepy messes. If you can walk in strength and work on you and keep your head held high, no matter how this turns out you will be a winner. Or you can cry and plot and beg and plead and be stuck in this place until you finally get out of your own way.

[jbroken]

helies,

I really appreciate the your advice on dealing with our common friends. I figure most already know and if so have already picked her side. Which is hurtful. But, expected as she has probably building the case for D for while. Nevertheless, I will stick to the high road and pray it works in my favour.

[jbroken]

Sunmoon,

Thanks for your support. I'm hanging on - even if only by a thread.

[MoveFrwd]

What is your advice when it comes to our common 'friends'? From the lack of contact with me plus not wishing us on our wedding anniversary, I presume they all know. Would be very hard to believe if they didn't - particularly the ladies. I also presume that she has poisoned all of them against me. And I'm sure she would've have been very convincing of it too. She has literally left me with no one - not a single one of them I can call and say my side of the story.

In my case, all of our 'common' friends just backed off completely rather than 'taking sides'. Just because they arent communicating with you, it doesnt mean that they are in her corner. Id give it some time and then you can begin to approach them again.

In the meantime, I wonder if you can start to make new friends through GAL that will just be jbroken's friends. They will know you as you and not as Mrs. jbroken's H.

[KevinIn]

If people bring it up just thank them for caring and remind them that we all go through challenges in our lives and you are just moving on with yours.

This entire post from helies is great! I especially like the way to talk to mutual friends who bring it up. I'm saving this post for future reference. THANK YOU HELIES!!

[jbroken]

Kaizen,

I didn't think of it that way at all. A different perspective. I must point out though I say 'common' friends but, the primary relationship always been through the W. I guess that's why I'm unsure of their position. I guess it doesn't really matter. I know I have to take the high road here. But, feels a tad unfair as it was my W that left!

I'm trying hard with the GAL - it's just proving a bit difficult to connect with people. Small steps I guess. I was constantly plagued by shock and disbelief today at this situation. Had to steel myself frequently.

[Sunmoon]

Jbroken,
Helies summed it up pretty well. I feel your pain, right through the screen! I am an introvert by nature, so it has been hard for me to get out of the house and GAL. Although I do have a life with friends, (sisters I am very close to, and two very close friends) they also have busy lives and sometimes its hard to connect. This is actually one of my H's complaints- I'm not "fun". I am fun, just not in the manner he would like me to be. I have always been told I am an "old soul" and while I am by no means "boring", I just have fun in different ways than people my age. I don't really have to worry too much about the common friends thing, although we have a lot of aquaintances together, and its somewhat of a smaller town, and his sister is marrying my sister and brother in law's best friend, so if things Don't work out, it's going to be forever awkward

I wish for you whatever you want to have happen. the last week has been the worst time of my life thus far, the most painful. Keep your head up and a smile on your face.

[jbroken]

Sunmoon,

One of the issues my W has is that I was anti-social. I prefer to interact within an intimate circle. It's where I really come alive. And yes, I like my alone time too. But, I don't think that makes me anti-social by any means. It also probably doesn't help that this intimate circle includes her and common friends. And these interactions lately had become less frequent which I guess didn't help matters. There is always a push from my W to make friends not connected to her. That's part of my GAL strategy. Not because she wants it but because I believe it is right thing to do.

Perhaps, this is why she started making a whole new life for herself separate to me back in her hometown when she used to visit. Making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. This was just a year or so ago-since our relationship started going downhill. I've always encouraged to be herself-she is the outgoing, more social type and I see no need to repress that. In fact, I consider it one of our strengths as a couple-I'm the deep conversationalist and she's the social butterfly. I guess she saw the grass as too green to miss.

Thanks for your words of encouragement-they made me break a smile.

[jbroken]

Friends,

I have a development to share with you all. There was an incident in the city today. After eleven days of GD I have just received a message from my W. It reads

'Be safe - and try and go to work earlier to avoid rush hours too.'

I have clicked on it yet as she will be able to see that I have read it. Should I wait a while to check it? And once I do should I reply? What should I say as a response?

I guess it is just a message you would write to anyone. Just on a compassionate basis. At least she thought of me. My safety. But, I can't help but read into too much!

Any advice? Rules of thumb I should follow?