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Because his behavior shows me that. His words tell me that.

He's said it himself he's only staying because I'm pregnant. Yet he treats me with disdain. No acknowledgement. It's like I don't exist unless I initiate conversation or if he needs something for the boys.

This is not how I want to live my life. My point is if he's done and going to do what he did last time then i don't want to prolong the inevitable. Him being in the house makes me think there's hope it's unfair to me mentally to think there's a chance if there's not.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2735501 03/22/17 11:50 AM
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Kevin, to be clear, no I am not in favor of pressing him for an answer today.

Sometimes our intolerance for ambiguity is our downfall.

T0 --- if you are sure YOU want him out (Not you deciding how HE feels or wants)

then why wait?

You don't want to "wait for the other shoe to drop" Okay , Why not ask him to leave?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
T384 #2735503 03/22/17 11:54 AM
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T0, note the use of the words "IF" below and "yet". and other qualifying phrases. I think there's less clarity.

also, when did he say the words that he's is only staying b/c you're pregnant?

Originally Posted By: T0324
Because his behavior shows me that. His words tell me that.

He's said it himself he's only staying because I'm pregnant. Yet he treats me with disdain. No acknowledgement. It's like I don't exist unless I initiate conversation or if he needs something for the boys.

This is not how I want to live my life. My point is if he's done and going to do what he did last time then i don't want to prolong the inevitable. Him being in the house makes me think there's hope it's unfair to me mentally to think there's a chance if there's not.



What is your biggest fear IF he stays? And what is your biggest fear IF he leaves?

Can you express that here?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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He told
ME when we went to dinner Friday night that he is done and he will stay until I have the baby and graduate. I said no - I didn't want to live with someone that doesn't want to be married to me it wasn't fair to anyone. He said okay.

That was it.

My biggest fear if he leaves is that it IS over. He's choosing to leave knowing there is no chance at reconciliation.

My biggest fear if he stays is that he's only staying for his own reasons not because he wants to try. If he wanted to try he would be showing that he did by giving some type of positive interaction or at least checking on me as the person carrying his child.

I fear his mind is
Made up for good and that nothing will change that. I fear that me being silent further enforces his reasons to go. I fear that me not making an effort to fix the things he complained about further push him away. I worry that me being silent makes this a home he doesn't want to come home to anymore. I feel like no matter what I do I am letting my M further dissolve.

My fear with him going to counseling is that he's just going to say he went so he can say he 'tried'


M 31 H 34
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BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2735544 03/22/17 01:19 PM
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Also when he replied okay to me saying I wouldn't live toghere. I asked if he would just try with me. He said he didn't want to try. He was done and that he knew nothing would ever change.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2735551 03/22/17 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
I asked if he would just try with me. He said he didn't want to try. He was done and that he knew nothing would ever change.


This was the single most painful and hurtful thing my wife ever said to me. I truly feel for you.

What I did after she said this: Got mad and yelled, then tried to be rational, then explained what it would be like to be divorced, then begged and pursued, etc. This continued for 3 weeks until I read Divorce Remedy and found this site. I pretty quickly started detaching and stopped those behaviors.

What I should have done: I should have said "I'm sorry we got to this point in our relationship" and walked out of the room. I would have then immediately started practicing DB techniques, especially not pursing or talking about our relationship. While her mind may have been made up, I think my behaviors for the few weeks right after that made it worse.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
KevinIn #2735555 03/22/17 02:05 PM
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When he said that I told him I wasn't asking him to tell me t was going to work Iwas just asking for him to try and give the same effort and chance I gave him 3 years ago.

When he said how do you know it's going to be different - I said I didn't know it was going to be different when he wanted a chance but I took the leap of faith because I never wanted to wonder what if.

Since he told me that and we had that talk we haven't discussed it since with the exception of the counselor talk on Monday night. No discussion at all since then.


M 31 H 34
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BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
KevinIn #2735556 03/22/17 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted By: KevinIn
Originally Posted By: T0324
I asked if he would just try with me. He said he didn't want to try. He was done and that he knew nothing would ever change.


This was the single most painful and hurtful thing my wife ever said to me. I truly feel for you.

What I did after she said this: Got mad and yelled, then tried to be rational, then explained what it would be like to be divorced, then begged and pursued, etc. This continued for 3 weeks until I read Divorce Remedy and found this site. I pretty quickly started detaching and stopped those behaviors.

What I should have done: I should have said "I'm sorry we got to this point in our relationship" and walked out of the room. I would have then immediately started practicing DB techniques, especially not pursing or talking about our relationship. While her mind may have been made up, I think my behaviors for the few weeks right after that made it worse.


Kevin- I think this is SO PROFOUND and WELL SAID. It should be on a poster in all of our houses or a tattoo on the inside of our forearms.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

KevinIn #2735559 03/22/17 02:19 PM
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Hi TO, do bear in mind that what he says right now is just that. How he feels can change. In fact if you look at both the WAS and LBS, feelings change a great deal through this process.

I notice you often talk in absolutes....I know there is no way back etc. when this happens, it is useful to catch yourself and qualify what you have said to yourself. A more accurate statement would be - right now I feel there may be no way back, but things will unfold and we will see.

Another thing to bear in mind is to work on your side of the street only. Whether he chooses to go see a C, or to recommit, or leave, or stay. Those things are up to him and on him.

For you, I would focus on the things you are finding difficult now. Managing your understandable fears, stepping back and letting him be, coping with ambiguity..

For the alternative is to be scared and press and push for certainty, which may not go the way you hope....Also do remember that pretty much every sitch looks bad, and the WAS seems done. But some do change, and we just don't know which will...

So, remember me, baby, boys, health, leave him be, pleasant & brief responses etc...then see how things unfold.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
T384 #2735560 03/22/17 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
He told
ME when we went to dinner Friday night that he is done and he will stay until I have the baby and graduate. I said no - I didn't want to live with someone that doesn't want to be married to me it wasn't fair to anyone. He said okay.

That was it.

My biggest fear if he leaves is that it IS over.


I hear you. And I ache for you - (but yes, this^^ is pretty much always our fear. )



He's choosing to leave knowing there is no chance at reconciliation.

well, who says there's no chance? I mean, it's not him. I guess you mean YOU know it's over if he leaves, correct?


My biggest fear if he stays is that he's only staying for his own reasons not because he wants to try.

which would mean, what, exactly? You seem to want to decide how he feels and what he thinks and the reasons you want him to want to stay....

and if he were not staying b/c he wants to try, then your fear is - That he'd leave eventually, anyhow? How would it make things worse to have him stay for a few months and then leave? I'm just asking.


If he wanted to try he would be


= "IF he cared, he'd show me in my preferred ways, and anything other than those lanes of giving, are to be discarded"...




showing that he did by giving some type of positive interaction or at least checking on me as the person carrying his child.


so you need him to specifically ask about your well being, correct? Not general "show he cares" but specifically to ask about your health, or mood or what?

I'm just asking.


I fear his mind is
Made up for good and that nothing will change that. I fear that me being silent further enforces his reasons to go.


T0, are you saying that pressing him and having R talks with some frequency, is lessening his reasons to go? Since You don't seem to be backing off, are you saying that your course of action is working?



I fear that me not making an effort to fix the things he complained about further push him away.


What would you "making an effort to fix things", look like?


I worry that me being silent makes this a home he doesn't want to come home to anymore.


T0, forgive me if my impressions are way off, b/c they may be!.

But from where I sit, you've not done a lot of true silence. Maybe quiet fuming and snide remarks and then full blown arguments, ??

Tell me what your silence is like. Is it like detachment or more like you withholding? What would HE say if he were here?

I feel like no matter what I do I am letting my M further dissolve.

that^^ $uck$, I know.

But what do you think you have done new or differently, this month?


My fear with him going to counseling is that he's just going to say he went so he can say he 'tried'



well, what difference does it make if "he can say he tried", anyhow?

What if he says he's always been a great h, and you are horrible and stupid?

I am not pooh poohing your concerns. I'm just highlighting what we "know" in our heads but forget in our hearts.

Their opinions of us cannot define us and cannot determine our self image.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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