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#2735257 03/21/17 07:42 AM
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After "successfully" piecing back together in 2013, we're back about where we started a few years ago. I say successfully in quotes because clearly we did not fix everything.

We've been far more best friends than anything and our sex life over the years reflects this. Our life as a family could not be any better, but life as husband and wife continues to suffer. We both know and acknowledge our contributions here, but she seems done.

We've decided to do an in-house separation by setting up the extra bedroom to allow for space. I'm ok with this because I've got to get my self in order. I have recognized some significant depression issues that I'm seeing a therapist to help.

With Round 2, I'm glad I understand the Walk-Away Wife, but wonder if I already blew my shot here. Last time was very healing for me, but I did not turn it into long-lasting change. She recognized my changes to the positive and ultimately came back. I worry that I burned that bridge never to be crossed again.

In the last few weeks, I'm getting myself back and feeling better. Some days better than others as we all know, but happier than I've been in a while. Once the bad is exposed as opposed to ignored or swept under the rug, there's such a sense of relief.

I guess since this ain't my first rodeo I'm in a good place to know that my best foot forward is working on myself. It's weird because in some ways I don't know who that person is because I've just been the working, rearing dad for so long. You think you're doing the best for your family by ignoring personal growth and all you end up is being a shell of what you were and guess what folks, that ain't all that attractive to the Mrs.

I know I can't worry about what she thinks about me because that is what it is. She's the only one to think and feel for herself and she's responsible for her own happiness. If I end up being in that equation, that's great and if I'm not then I will have to deal with that.

My recent 180 (let's say last two weeks) has been noticed but again I'm concerned it's too little too late. I say that because it's pissing her off. She knows that last time I reacted the same way, but again no true, long-lasting changes took place.

I guess this is a good recap to start. Looking for any guidance, support, words, etc. that y'all are willing to share.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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I give you this to start with a Beginners Mind
even though you have been here before.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Originally Posted By: Tryin2figuritout
no true, long-lasting changes took place.

So what true long lasting changes do you want to make?


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2735269 03/21/17 08:24 AM
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Thanks Cadet. Good easy statement to throw out there and harder one to define, which is why I'm assuming you asked!! I fall into the category of "nice guy" and one who is a pleaser, but I'm understanding more about needing my interests, my passions to become more of who I am.

As a husband, I've felt like giving of myself and putting my needs last was something I needed to do for the family. Always making myself available and trying to please all home chores, grocery shopping, etc. would somehow reap a reward. I'm learning this is wrong on many levels.

Too many times asking, "what else can I do to help?" and not just being a man and doing things, owning responsibilities. My wife has primarily been a SAHM for years with just recently going back to work (both prior to round 1 and this round).

By trying to "reap a reward", I'm realizing now how manipulative that behavior can be. When no reward is there, I'd feel hurt, dismissed, rejected and go into depression.

In that depression, I'm obviously not very pleasant to be around. Not a shining light, but a dim and dusty lamp. I don't want to be that person and I've got a decent road ahead of me to figure out how I change.

I need to get back to my passions to live and not just be like the Dunkin Donuts guy ("time to make the donuts"). In our therapy sessions over the past few years, I liken myself to a camel. A camel can "survive" in the desert with minimal water/food, but does that camel really thrive??? I'd get happy with connections (not just sex, but intimate conversations/connections) on minimal occassions, but it was good enough for me till the next. It's obviously not the same for the Mrs. and I get it.

Does that make sense?


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: Tryin2figuritout
As a husband, I've felt like giving of myself and putting my needs last was something I needed to do for the family.
Always making myself available and trying to please all home chores, grocery shopping, etc. would somehow reap a reward.
I'm learning this is wrong on many levels.

If your married to someone that has Acts of Service as a love language this might be great.
However if she is a Touch or Gifts person it is totally off base.

Being a NICE GUY and EXPECTING a reward for it is totally off base I agree.

If you want to be a NICE GUY then it has to be for you,
not any other reason.
Being a NICE GUY myself it is hard work to stop.

Keep learning and posting


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2735284 03/21/17 09:12 AM
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On the expecting a reward, it's not really like I would do something and expect something of equal value in return. It's a bit different than that.

It's more like my relationship would be satisfied from that and agree love languages could be off base with each other. I think when I was not satsified it just lead to depression, withdrawal, etc.

That has been such a huge struggle in our relationship and what I know is that it would impact me going forward with or without my wife. That's why I want more long-lasting change.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 313
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Glad I started posting today. Got a call at lunch and she's ready to sign up for a one-bedroom apartment. We've talked about this being a potential next step if our in-house separation does not give enough space. Our plan is to share this one-bedroom as a place to be away from home. Once school is out we'll have designated nights to stay at our home and other nights at the apartment.

It's so weird when you talk about something and are ok but then you're not ok the next time it comes around. Just kind of hit hard. Apartment will not be available until mid-May, so two months before that.

I guess it's "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" time.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 313
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Looking for advice on how to handle outings with my wife's family and going dark. They're very aware of our situation and are very supportive and just want us to be happy. We'll get together with her Mom or her Dad (divorced) and they're both very welcoming of me.

I can look at these opportunities two ways: 1) an opportunity to just be who I am with my wife, kids and her family as I continue to work on myself or 2) an opportunity to withdraw myself.

I am comfortable with the 1st as I did it before and as I said earlier am already finding strength in myself.

On the second, the biggest detractor to me is my kids. They are aware of our struggles, but if I do withdraw here I don't want them to think I'm walking away. It's completely the opposite in that I'd struggle through this for years if it kept our family unit intact.

Part of my struggle with going to these functions is allowing my wife to "have her cake and eat it too". If I'm there, I feel like she's not having to grieve over the loss of me. Yes, she's choosing this, but I understand the pain that goes along with saying she needs space / wants out / can't do this anymore.

She talked last night about reconciling the first time and how she was worried she'd lose the kids. I asked if that was the only reason and she said no because she needed to feel "safe". I totally hate using the term "safe space" here, but that's what our family is. We really do have each others backs as a family unit and just didn't fight for our relationship as H/W in order to keep the safety net in tact, if that makes sense.

So my dilemma is missing opportunities to be with my family vs. detaching more and more. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: Tryin2figuritout
So my dilemma is missing opportunities to be with my family vs. detaching more and more. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.


Tryin,

I think you should go to the family events, but insist that your wife join everyone for fun family games. For example...

- Zombie apocalypse. Your wife plays the zombie.
- Pin the tale on the donkey. Your wife is the donkey.
- Whack-a-mole. Your wife is the mole.
- Cops and robber. Your wife is the robber and must resist arrest.
- Human piñata. Your wife hands out candy every time she gets whacked.

You get the idea. It can be great family fun as well as a learning experience.

doodler #2735433 03/22/17 07:34 AM
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And tale should be tail. Or maybe that was a Freudian slip?

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