It takes two to make it work (pt. 6)

[FightOn]

SBJ, I learned something in therapy yesterday and I thought I would share. There is a term called "reactance." I will take part of the definition from Wikipedia:

Reactances can occur when someone is heavily pressured to accept a certain view or attitude. Reactance can cause the person to adopt or strengthen a view or attitude that is contrary to what was intended, and also increases resistance to persuasion.

When my therapist used this term a light bulb went off in my head. Ah ha, this is why we are advised to refrain from R talks, etc. I totally get it now that I understood the psychology behind it.

Please, please, please understand that I am not scolding you or reprimanding you for what you did. I don't see that as my place. God (and everyone here) knows I have done things I was advised not to. It happens. We are human. This is a tremendously difficult time. I share this because I found it helpful to broaden my understanding and it helps me maintain my focus, so I thought maybe someone else might find it helpful too.

(((hugs)))

[skm0619]

SBJ.....I am so sorry that things are becoming more difficult.

I understand when you said that you love the woman that she was for 25 years, and that you believe that person is still in there. I feel the same way about my H. I can remember asking him "where did the man that I married go?" I know he is still there, and he is starting to see that he has not been who he wants to be. I can only hope that this self reflection continues.

I don't really have anything to say to make you feel better. Just know that we are here for you, and of course each other. Not sure how I would have made it this far if it wasn't for everyone on here.

I am so happy that you have your faith and your children as a source of strength.

One day at a time my friend.......

[SBJ]

Thanks skm...the 3 F's...faith, family & friends...they are what has helped my PMA. Oh, and whiskey...I forgot to add that. My faith tells me that thru prayer and petition my needs will be met. My family tells me that even though I feel abandoned by my W...they will always be by my side. And, my friends, the real down to earth friends, will have my back thru thick or thin.

I have done a ton of reading and still am a total novice on the subject, but I know enough to know that MLC, or whatever it is that she is going thru, is devastating to a family unit. As a LBS, my family (parents & siblings & my children) has gotten closer...so that is a good thing.

As the MLC'er, my W's family (her parents and siblings) has somewhat splintered. As far as I can see she has continued a fairly good relationship with our kids. And, as far as I can tell she has continued to be friends with most of our family friends...not any of them had stood up to her to say she was nuts. Well, one said that she would talk about it, but nobody confronted her. She has also created an entire new group of friends that do not know me or what our M was like for the last 20+ years. I hear that is typical MLC.

She continues to push me to get the D decree done...so that she doesn't live in limbo any longer than necessary. I can only assume that is also so that she can date. This drives me nuts.

You are right...one day at a time!!!

[Gordie]

I'm usually a Knob Creek guy but to mix it up have recently tried Woodford. Good stuff!

[SBJ]

I'm usually a Knob Creek guy but to mix it up have recently tried Woodford. Good stuff!

Gord, I've Like Knob Creek as well. It's pretty smooth. I have a group of 4 other friends that are into different whiskey's. Experimenting with different bottles is great.

Unfortunately, they are all divorced. 2 of them are happily divorced, or so they say, and the other two are regretfully divorced. It seems like I will be joining the latter 2 fairly soon. I'm not trying to make it a self fulfilling prophecy, but I just received first draft D decree papers from her attorney for me to look at and I guess make changes to and counter. Kind of a rough early afternoon.

[Gordie]

SBJ--ugh, so sorry to hear that! It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right? I'll raise a glass to you tonight. Take care of yourself and those kids. Are you engaged in spiritual practices that help you in these dark times?

[SBJ]

Gord, I was chosen to direct a men's retreat that will be this summer. I have about 40 men on this team and we should have 30-40 men that will be going on the retreat. It is a wonderful group of like-minded Catholic men that literally have each others backs. We met last night and it was a bit tough seeing so many older men that have been married 30, 40, and 50 years, but I have to have the faith that God is in the drivers seat and will keep me safe...even when the waters get rough.

I said in a post either on mine or another persons, but sometimes I wonder if this trial is meant to teach me something or meant to teach my wife something. It is hard to imagine that God would want us to hurt, but sometimes thru great tragedy comes great triumph.

[Kyh]

Hi SBJ,

Taking a break from work and read your post about the decree. Sorry to read that, strangely I still feel numb about mine from last week. after my first meeting about it I felt a strange sense of relief when I left, and I was really dreading going in. I didn't drag my feet but I would take a day or two responding to process things if I needed it. Remember to treat it as a business deal at this point and to look out for yourself and kids.

[SBJ]

I'm trying to put myself in the mindset of this being the next step in the process. It still feels kind of counter productive for wanting to save my M, but I guess as some have said, the old M is over anyway. I am staring at the pre-decree papers right now making notes on them that I might want to change and this still feels so surreal to me. It feels like I am the one in a fog. All I have to do is sign these papers and then a D decree would be written up for the judge to sign. It just doesn't seem real.

I have only spoken to two family members about this so far, but both my father and one of my brothers totally have my back on this. My father tells me that the hurt is so deep that it will take years for it to fade to a memory, but he says that it never goes away. My brother says that even though I am hurting I should realize that none of this is my fault and that I should try and heal with that at the forefront of my thoughts.

My kids will all be home with me this weekend and I totally need that quality time with them right now. God bless the love of your children...it is unconditional and is ever ending.

I truly thank everyone here for the care and support that everyone has given so freely. Everyone here are true angels of mercy.

[Bird]

I have done a ton of reading and still am a total novice on the subject, but I know enough to know that MLC, or whatever it is that she is going thru, is devastating to a family unit. As a LBS, my family (parents & siblings & my children) has gotten closer...so that is a good thing.

As the MLC'er, my W's family (her parents and siblings) has somewhat splintered. As far as I can see she has continued a fairly good relationship with our kids. And, as far as I can tell she has continued to be friends with most of our family friends...not any of them had stood up to her to say she was nuts. Well, one said that she would talk about it, but nobody confronted her. She has also created an entire new group of friends that do not know me or what our M was like for the last 20+ years. I hear that is typical MLC.

Hi there SBJ...I've been reading along with you but have not been an active poster. You've given me a lot of comfort on my thread so I wanted to stop in and try to provide the same. I'm rubbish at wisdom, but I can at least be there in solidarity. What you're describing in your family and your W's family... I'm experiencing the same. My family has circled the wagons and H has isolated himself from his immediate family as much as he can. Things are very fractured in his family as a result and my family is working hard to heal the girls and I. I guess that's just the way with MLC; something we can look at and be grateful for in this storm.

I can't say I share your affinity for whiskey, but a dirty martini with some quality vodka has been known to help me out in these troubled times. That and I discovered ZzzQuil, which works extremely well in the sleep department. I would advise against employing both of those agents at the same time, naturally.

Keep the faith - you continually inspire me to do the same.