MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

[SBJ]

Bird, thought about you on my way into work this morning. The song "Still" by Hillary Scott came on and I think it is fitting with the struggles of faith you had mentioned. Listen to it and know that he is working even if you cannot see it yet.

Now realize that I am still struggling with emotions that get stirred up by my W at times, but I have to keep faith that he is working behind the scenes...on both of us.

Philippians 4:6New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)

6 Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

I hope you have a blessed day.

[peacetoday]

Hi Bird

Sometimes during the negotiations of D, the MLCer will become angrier
when they realize we have to take care of ourselves, our finances and the kids

So keeping the door open while deciding what your entitled to and getting it -may
create some distance

Try to focus on what is best for you and your kids.

I like the story you play about your H wanting to come home
Law of attraction
I am also practicing the Law..not around my xh but around other things I would like to manifest

Hang in there

[Gordie]

Are you better on the phone? Would that work? I just don't like negotiation by email but that may just be me.

[Bird]

H sent a long email back, using the word "adjustment" excessively. This is just an adjustment for the kids, an adjustment for us, adjustment adjustment adjustment.

I put a clause in SA that support/maint start when house sells or 9/1, whichever comes first. He doesn't like the 9/1 clause. I feel like it could drag out forever if I don't put the clause in. He's got a pretty sweet setup right now financially since his parents are paying his rent, so I don't feel like he's motivated to move things along. He's been gone 3 months and hasn't done a thing to help me get a 3000 sqft house ready for listing. We've lived there 10 years so there is a lot of cleaning out, cleaning up, and some basic maintenance like painting to be done here and there. So that seems to be a point that I have to think about.

He wants to reduce the length of time for alimony by 18 months. He also wants to cut the figure my atty provided for support by almost $1000/m. I told him I could work with him on the length of time for alimony if he could work on the dollar amount for support. I also requested an additional day with the girls each week. He is balking at that. I don't like them feeling like neither place is home for them, being shuffled around 50% of the time. They're unhappy and living out of a suitcase which I hate for them. He is really martyring himself over this, pulling out phrases like "I know you're angry with me but...".

I kept emotion out of my email and really just put the points in there that I thought were important. I need the $ to live on. I make less than half of what he makes. Once support and maintenance end I will have like $150/month after my bills are paid. Granted I've got some years as my youngest is 10, but that's scary. This isn't greed talking, and I'm well aware that my standard of living (which isn't all that high to begin with) will be drastically reduced regardless. I feel certain that he is insinuating that I'm trying to increase my time with the girls by a day and increase the support payments to somehow get back at him because I am angry.

This is not the case, although I am sure as s**t angry with him alright. I really just want my kids to feel settled and like there is a place they can refer to as "home". I want to be able to take care of things financially without using credit cards. I want to be able to get new tires for my car.

I haven't responded to him yet although I'm pondering what he said and trying to figure out how to be fair and still get what I need. Unlike most MLC'rs, my H doesn't spew. He prefers martyring and turning his belly up. I guess he thinks if he subjugates himself then he can make me out to be the bad guy if things don't go his way. Then he can say he went out of his way and I made things difficult.

I came across an email exchange between us this past April, 11 months ago. Joking back and forth, planning a night out at the comedy club. Hard to believe this is the same person that would rather shack up with a 30 year old than work to keep his family intact. He's right, I do have a lot of anger. But I am working very hard to keep that out of the SA negotiations.

In my state, once the SA is signed, it can sit out there forever like that. Or if grounds have been met, either of the parties can file for D and it's done. So we're doing the heavy lifting now as it can just convert into D whenever the trigger is pulled. So I guess I'm in the thick of the thing that everyone is dreading right now. On the bright side, I'll have less to fear once this part is over I guess.

[job]

Bird,
Trying to negotiate w/a MLCer is like trying to negotiate w/a moving target. Why? Because what he wants will change from one time to the next and it doesn't matter if he agrees to whatever you are proposing today or not because unless it is locked down in a signed, sealed legal document, it's not going to stick. Also, even once it is legal document, he's still going to try to get away w/o paying you what the court deems appropriate. So, my advice, stick to what your state says is proper in the way of alimony and whatever else they state.

As for the house and him helping you...don't expect it because he's not going to do it. They expect us to clean up everything and hand them whatever they want on a silver platter.

Let me just say this, my xh screamed bloody murder wanting a separation or a divorce whichever came first and once I got the ball rolling and had his "stipulations" put in the draft legal separation papers...well, he dragged his feet on those papers from January 2000 to April 2002. He continued to drag his feet until I stopped all work and contact between the lawyers in November 2001. Once I did that, I know he got his butt in gear and started the paperwork for a divorce and we were divorced in June 2002. So, yes, they will drag things out and you are the one waiting in limbo, wondering should you sell, should you file, etc. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your assets.

Your h may begin to spew when he discovers you aren't going to roll over, listen to what he has to say in the way of splitting the assets, etc. As long as you don't rock the boat, he may not spew. But if he does, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave him to his spewing.

Again, I recommend that you not worry about him and only focus on what you need in the way of splitting the assets and a fair manner. If your state says you get XXX number of dollars, then go w/what your state advises. Trust me, if the shoe were on the other foot, he would go w/what the state advises and not negotiate w/you. Right now, he's only concerned w/himself. You have to leave your emotions/feelings at the door and look at this as a business deal gone sour.

Bottom line...take care of yourself.

[Bird]

Thanks for the advice, Job. It's good to have it in black and white when I start feeling bad and begin to waffle. After all, it's not my feelings toward him that have changed.

The thing in my state about support and maintenance is so gray. Based on the # of years married, maintenance can be paid for length of time of 30%-40% of the marriage. In my case, that's 5.3 - 7.7 years. I of course wrote it for the max of 7.7 years. He wants to split the difference at 6.5 years. He used "our situation" when it really means "the length of our marriage". Ugh.

The support... we technically have joint custody 50/50. My attorney wrote up the agreement with the formula showing his support as though I had primary custody. We decided not to deviate any farther down than necessary. So what he wants to pay is still within state guidelines for 50/50 custody. My argument is that he isn't paying for anything for them and has never taken them back to school shopping etc. I can't rely on him to buy someone a laptop if they need it... I know I will be footing the bill for most things for the girls. So he may thing we have equal distribution of expenses for them, but we don't really.

So I will get what I'm entitled to buy law, but since it's such a gray area it is still workable within a range. Maybe the answer is we just try to meet in the middle to avoid taking it to court.

[SBJ]

Bird, thanks for stopping by my thread. A few things:
1. Tito's Vodka is a good choice
2. I don't understand their crazy any more than you
3. I spoke to a long time friend yesterday and his advice to me was that I should simply..."Love her from a distance for now". He had a somewhat similar experience, but she remarried, then he remarried. Unfortunately he said that once they had both remarried, she came to him to apologize and had second thoughts.

I know we cannot wait forever, but the question I have seen alot on here today is...how long do you wait, and when do you know it is time to move on?

4. Read Psalm 143 tonight before bed...might work better than the zzzquil. It helps me.

[peacetoday]

Bird

D is not easy and Job is right
Take care of yourself..He will not like any of the negotiations
this is the time to think about your future, what you will need for yourself and kids

SBJ
you will know when its time to move on
For me it was when my xh M ow
that was it for me-

[Bird]

Sometimes during the negotiations of D, the MLCer will become angrier
when they realize we have to take care of ourselves, our finances and the kids

I think this is where things are headed. I texted him last night and said that it seemed like we really need to spend a couple of hours in person talking about some of these issues. I also told him that though he insinuated I was being difficult out of anger at him or using time with the kids as leverage to gain more financial support, neither are true. He'll believe what his MLC brain wants to believe, but I just couldn't let that stand without speaking up. I'm not a gold digger and I don't use my kids as pawns.

I'm going away on Sunday, taking my girls to Florida for a week to see my parents and sister/BIL. The three of us really need a break. So I told him we could get together on 4/8 which is the first Saturday after we get back. He texted and sais "there's no need to wait, we can meet this Saturday." I'm planning on spending Saturday working on getting the house ready to list. So I told him no, I have plans, we will have to wait until I get back from FL. Then he texts back and says "I'm available on Sunday morning then." Again I texted back and said no, I'm getting ready to go away with the kids for a week. I don't have time to do this until I get back.

I don't get why all of a sudden he's trying to push this through after he sat on the agreement for a full month. I feel like he's trying to control the situation and I'm just not having it. If he wanted an agreement in place so badly he probably should have started the process before up and moving into his own place. Oh well.

SBJ - I do love me a Tito's! I'm a big fan of grey goose as well. And thank you for the song suggestion and the verse... I found both very helpful last night. I listened to the song a few times before bed. Really trying to let go and concentrate on the other things while God figures out my marriage.

[Gordie]

Bird,

Just wanted to say your last post sounded more confident and peaceful.

I know the whys are killers. Why are they doing this or that? Stop asking. You don't know and H probably doesn't know either and trying to figure out why only uses up your precious time and emotional energy.

You are doing great.