One step forwards, quite a few steps back.

[Dawgs]

Maybe the important thing is to carry on doing things for yourself when you feel like this? Even if it's really small things. So the momentum is always forwards. Small things might be very, very small things indeed

Small things clear the way for the bigger things!

[focus22]

Maybe the important thing is to carry on doing things for yourself when you feel like this? Even if it's really small things. So the momentum is always forwards. Small things might be very, very small things indeed

Small things clear the way for the bigger things!

Yes. Doing them gives you confidence, little by little.

And doing lots of small things, day after day, amount to a whole load of things after even a short time

I think it's the unrelenting nature of it that I'm finding tiring.

Also, the realisation of it probably having to be myself that sorts things out.

OW conceiving was/is, I think, the deal breaker for me. I found out some time in December (from FB, believe it or not).

Anyway, I realised that whatever happened, there would always be a reminder of it, in the form of a child. A totally innocent child who deserves the very best in life.

Too much for me to handle, however things are playing/played out.

So I think I realised that I wanted to close that door in December. I've not actually done anything about it though, I've just been sitting with that feeling to see if anything changed, and I changed my mind. But nope, I think I want to cut those ties.

It's just that I'd always been the one to deal with the practicalities in our M: running the house, bill paying, heck...even letting him know he had emails to answer and typing out the answers he dictated (he was/is self employed, so it's job offers, invoices he was doing by email).

I know, I know, almost comical.

So, if the first thing you've got to sort out in your life is your D, well blinkin' 'eck, that's a fairly hefty mountain to climb.

I mean, the process itself is straightforward enough (we have no children, no joint assets, shared bank accounts etc). But the emotional burden of that, well, even I'm struggling at the thought of it, and I'm Miss Practicality. Goodness knows how he's feeling about it.

Anyway, I think I would like him to sort it, but knowing him (as I do), I don't think he will.

*sigh*

[Dawgs]

I think it's the unrelenting nature of it that I'm finding tiring.

I totally agree. But what other choice is there?

Anyway, I realised that whatever happened, there would always be a reminder of it, in the form of a child

In a way, yes. But at the same time, that isn't tied to you and therefore doesn't tie you two together. Sure, I understand that was the deal breaker and all, but it isn't the reason for any continued contact as it would be if you two had children. I get what you are saying. Just don't let that consume you.

So I think I realised that I wanted to close that door in December. I've not actually done anything about it though, I've just been sitting with that feeling to see if anything changed, and I changed my mind. But nope, I think I want to cut those ties.

That's not an easy decision to come to. And even for us LBS's, it takes time to reach that point. You seem to be ready. You're at the point I was when I originally filed. You got this!

So, if the first thing you've got to sort out in your life is your D, well blinkin' 'eck, that's a fairly hefty mountain to climb.

Yep. A tall and very steep mountain.

Anyway, I think I would like him to sort it, but knowing him (as I do), I don't think he will.

Well, keep working on yourself. Things always sort themselves out. For whatever reason.

[focus22]

I think it's the unrelenting nature of it that I'm finding tiring.

I totally agree. But what other choice is there?

Ha ha...yes! So basically just get on with it : o)

Anyway, I realised that whatever happened, there would always be a reminder of it, in the form of a child

In a way, yes. But at the same time, that isn't tied to you and therefore doesn't tie you two together. Sure, I understand that was the deal breaker and all, but it isn't the reason for any continued contact as it would be if you two had children. I get what you are saying. Just don't let that consume you.

Ah, OK...I get it. Thank you for the alternative perspective on that one. That never would have crossed my mind.

So I think I realised that I wanted to close that door in December. I've not actually done anything about it though, I've just been sitting with that feeling to see if anything changed, and I changed my mind. But nope, I think I want to cut those ties.

That's not an easy decision to come to. And even for us LBS's, it takes time to reach that point. You seem to be ready. You're at the point I was when I originally filed. You got this!

I'm still not going to do anything for a while though. I don't *have* to, and I feel that I can use the energy I'd be using to go down that road on other parts of my life (for now, at least. And that's all there is really, the present moment and I guess also those moments immediately ahead of you.

So, if the first thing you've got to sort out in your life is your D, well blinkin' 'eck, that's a fairly hefty mountain to climb.

Yep. A tall and very steep mountain.

There's a tiny, tiny part of me that's standing there, arms folded and saying 'go on then, you wanted it, go right ahead and sort it'.

It's minuscule though, and as a few people round about me have told me, I don't hang on to any sort of negative feelings.

Anyway, I think I would like him to sort it, but knowing him (as I do), I don't think he will.

Well, keep working on yourself. Things always sort themselves out. For whatever reason.

This is true. I believe this. All I can do (and in life in general) is work on me.

And in working on yourself, and fostering that sort of positive energy, you draw that back towards you (speaking about friends and work opportunities as much as partners here).

And those people who want to be close to that kind of person and energy, will be.

I'm actually feeing incredibly zen about things now, at peace with the world, almost totally at peace with myself too. If you knew me, you'd know what a totally incredible thing this is. I've never really had this feeling, my whole entire life. I've always felt at odds, mostly with and in myself. And I've always felt the need to 'sort things' and try and gain some sort of control over things, including myself (slightly chaotic childhood/early adulthood). Not any more though: it is what it is.

I'm feeling ready for something else now. But I'm just going to sit with that feeling for a while. It's a good feeling, and there's no need to add anything to it. I'll just sit with it and absorb it.

[Dawgs]

I'm feeling ready for something else now. But I'm just going to sit with that feeling for a while. It's a good feeling, and there's no need to add anything to it. I'll just sit with it and absorb it.

That, my friend, is a most wonderous thing. I wish that I could have done the same back then. Good on ya!

[focus22]

Thank you Jeep!

Just checking in again, guys

So I've noticed one thing. At the beginning of this whole process after I would have eventually managed to get to sleep, I would wake up again and for a split second nothing had changed. And then it all hit me in the face, really hard. And I'd be plunged back into the nightmare that was my day to day existence.

Now, for about the past six months, I'll occasionally have a nightmare about it all, but be really flipping glad to wake up from it and be back in my own reality.

The nightmares are usually to do with one of us trying to get through to the other about something. One time it was me screaming at his parents (who were like a second family to me) about how I was feeling, and them just ignoring me, and carrying on as if nothing was happening.

The latest one was a nightmare about me walking back to me house, seeing WH coming towards me across the road (in the same, determined way that I did actually see him walk towards me in real life, at the event we were both at this time last year), me deciding to ignore him, carrying on walking. Then him catching up with me and telling me that OW (using her name) was expecting a baby and due in April. Except he mumbled it and said the words really quickly. In my nightmare I ignored him and he said it again, in the same garbled, mumbling way, then again, and again. Then I woke up.

Clearly I'm still processing stuff.

How long does the processing stuff carry on for?

Anyway, I'm home today. And working on project house

My living room is a mess at the moment, so my plan is to have tidied it up by the end of today. I am sorting out black tops and jumpers today (which I have far too many of, as I use them for a lot of different freelance work I do). So I'm trying everything on, deciding what to donate to the charity shops and washing the rest before tidying it all away neatly.

Then after that it's on to sorting bags. I'm going to take them all out of my cupboard and go through the same process. I have far too many, far, far too many : o) But that might be next week. Progress is pretty slow at the moment. But I'll take all the progress I can get, as even slow progress is still progress.

I'm planning on cooking something healthy for a late lunch (my new thing, well since BD) of fish and avocado. And listening to some of the music I've now been listening to (since BD). Reinvention all the way :))

[focus22]

Also, I'm thinking of taking the two sets of champagne flutes we got for our wedding and donating them. I never particularly liked one set, and the other is just far too much of a reminder.

I might buy two or three plain ones. I think that is as many as I would need. Or maybe not yet, just enjoy the space it's made and not having them in my life any more.

I was also able to advise on a friend who is caught up in a bad situation at the moment. His friend's fiance came onto him very overtly, and she piqued his interest. She followed it through with propositioning him.

Anyway, we had a chat about actions and reactions. More overtly the gap between feeling, thinking and acting. Also learning how not to get suckered into a situation, just because someone is acting out in some way that seems to be drawing you in. And how to try and detach from it all. So just because she flirted with him, and he got very turned on by it, he doesn't need to act on it (even though intellectually he already knew it would have been a very bad thing to do).

Well, the ball is in his court. he can do what he likes. I feel OK with what I said and not too drained by the conversation.

Back to tidying up

[Tryin2figuritout]

Clearly I'm still processing stuff.

How long does the processing stuff carry on for?

Hey Focus - I don't think there's a specific timeframe on processing, but know that processing is 110% positive even when it feels horrible.

One thing I read recently that is helping me is "accept the feelings; change the thoughts". If you accept/acknowledge the feelings you have, they somewhat diminish and then you can fight off the negative thoughts you might have about anything / everything.

Hope you enjoy your fish and avocado. That sounds delish.

Be well.

[focus22]

Clearly I'm still processing stuff.

How long does the processing stuff carry on for?

Hey Focus - I don't think there's a specific timeframe on processing, but know that processing is 110% positive even when it feels horrible.

One thing I read recently that is helping me is "accept the feelings; change the thoughts". If you accept/acknowledge the feelings you have, they somewhat diminish and then you can fight off the negative thoughts you might have about anything / everything.

Hope you enjoy your fish and avocado. That sounds delish.

Be well.

Thank you, my friend.

Well, I'm having a lot of nightmares at the moment. Not just about WH/STBXH (no idea what to call him at this point), but about a number of other past major (traumatic) points in my life.

I'm reframing them as major turning points in my life, and consciously trying to find all the positive things that came out of them.

So this is also major turning point in my life (as if it's not already obvious) and I'm also consciously trying to find and focus on all the positive things that are coming out of it. But Jeez, it's unrelenting, the effort is huge and the pain involved is horrible.

My home isn't the relaxing and welcoming place that I would like it to be yet. So I'm carrying on with my mammoth project. I'm trying to do everything mindfully and carefully. I have less work on this month, so I have a little more time that I can devote to it. I can't quite see the end yet, as I want to paint everything once I've decided what is going to charity. To be honest, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all at the moment. But I'm trying to do a little at a time, chip away at it a little every day, as it all mounts up.

I'm also conscious that I'm pushing myself quite hard along this path. And I also know that I should remind myself to be kind to myself too and maybe take it a bit easier occasionally.

I find that part hard. I think that I'm scared that if I slow down, or even take things easy, then everything will fall apart. Actually, maybe that I will fall apart, and then everything round about me.

On the plus side, I'm sleeping much more deeply, and much more, than I have done for years and years. I'm also finding sleep much more refreshing and restful.

I guess I hadn't realised how stressful and exhausting it was soaking up all that turmoil and negative energy that WH/STBXH was putting out, for years and years, and how deeply affected I was by his inner turmoil too.

I also realise now, with a little bit of distance and perspective, just how much he drank. He couldn't have one or two drinks and stop there. He'd have to drink everything there was if he was in the house. I used to take the bottle of wine away from him when I went to bed, and take it with me...hide it from him.

If he went out, he couldn't go out for one or two and come home again at midnight (I think he maybe did that once or twice in all the years we were together). He'd usually be out out until 3.00/4.00/5.00am or later without letting me know where he was (or even if he was OK). And he'd get totally trashed too. If we were out together, I'd end up having to go home myself if it got to midnight/1.00am and I felt like I'd had enough. He'd stay out.

Also, he couldn't stop himself from going out three/four/five times a week. He couldn't just go out once a week, or once every couple of weeks.

He did that for years, from almost the beginning of our M, so once that pattern was established at the beginning, then that's the way it was throughout. I wasn't ever suspicious, as I don't think he was up to anything - except drinking a lot.

A while back (maybe even a year ago? six months ago?), it would weigh heavily on my mind that he might be magically transformed by OW, stop behaving that way, and become the most kind and considerate person in the world. But I guess that would have been me assuming the responsibility for his behaviour?

He always chose to behave in that way, because ultimately he wanted to. He enjoyed it. I did point out a number of times over the years how unhappy it was making me and how stressful I found it (I had insomnia anyway, and it really didn't help with that at all). But he chose to ignore that and carry on as he was doing. I don't think he realised the damage it was ultimately, over the years, doing to our R/M.

He did admit he had a problem, once, in the last year we were together, but didn't do anything more about it - didn't follow it up.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I've come to the point where I genuinely believe that he chose to behave that way, and that his choice in that respect wasn't my responsibility.

Oh well, I wouldn't be willing to put up with someone who drank as much as he did
now, again. And someone who treated me like that too. I'd like a lot more respect from my partner. And if he did that repeatedly and didn't listen to what I was saying, then there wouldn't be any point in continuing the relationship.

More than that, I just wouldn't want to get involved with a heavy drinker, full stop. I know how it goes with that scenario.

Long, rambling post, but there's a lot going through my mind at the moment. And I feel like I'm managing to stand further and further back from everything and feel more and more detached from it all.

Very, very tired though. Will it ever stop?

[focus22]

Another update from me.

It's been a good while, but I went back to the gym. Oh my heavens above, it felt amazing!

I didn't go overboard (also because I hurt my back quite badly a few years ago). Just half an hour rowing and 15 minutes cycling at the 'slightly out of breath but still able to hold a conversation if I had to' pace.

Slept so, so well that night too.

Back is a bit sore and stiff, but nothing hurting. I'll go back and do the same routine a couple of times before adding in some weights.

I'm loving it, it feels like a very positive thing to be doing for myself.