W started an unexpected R conversation while we were grocery shopping. Ended up being a long talk that was very informative to me but unfortunately, did not accomplished much in the end. I was very careful to validate all her feelings and not to assume anything about what she was thinking. I am very proud of myself. I think I did a great job at this and I think that is why she kept the conversation going for so long. She felt comfortable enough to keep talking. The conversation was too much to retype here but I will put what I see as the most important parts below. As always I really appreciate any replies.
-She admitted that she was too dependent on me and that I am a fixer. She also acknowledged that we got in this position together and it was no one person's fault. She is working hard to be less dependent on me but only via selling her art. I let her know that I backed her up on this and that it was a positive and desirable trait to be self sufficient.
-she admitted that she was not happy and that I did not protect her good enough. She admitted that her goal was to leave me and that we were not happy as a couple. She clearly wanted me to agree to this. I agreed that I failed to protect her at a few key times but that I did protect her successfully many times as well, it was not one sided. I validated her feelings and agreed that if she wanted to leave that she was free to go. I also made it clear that I stand for marriage, love and our family. I pointed out that if we are not happy then fixing it is better than giving up. She made it clear that she has already given up.
-she expects me to support her for as long as necessary. she seemed to feel massively entitled here. her vision was that she would take as long as she needed (years even) to get a fully operational art business going and leave into that newly built financial security. She saw that we would be fiends during this time. I made no attempt to change her mind but I pointed out that I was not her friend but her husband. I said that I cannot help her do things that are specifically for leaving me. she seemed entitled enough here that my words did not phase her at all. I can tell that she still assumes that I am going to do this for her.
-I pointed out that this will hurt the kids. I could tell that she had not reflected on this much at all. she seemed to assume that this would all be fine for them somehow. she wouldn't really talk about this so I let it go.
-she ended the conversation with some remembering of good times we had but said that the whole conversation accomplished nothing.
So there it is finally. It took her one full year almost exactly to admit that she wanted to separate. And she is definitely assuming that the whole separation will be tailored to be as easy as possible for her. So I figure my challenge now is to drop the rope 100% and lovingly detach. I think I have to find a way to show her what independence is like and not become her servant. I have some initial thoughts about what I will be doing in the next few days. I will post about that soon.
I am planning on moving my W things to the spare bedroom this week. She hasn't been to the master bedroom in almost a month anyhow. I've been doing very well with GAL and my kids but I am going to go 100% on this. I'm going to tell my wife that I accept everything that she is doing but that I can no longer be her husband. I'm going to stop helping with her business and stop all of the other husband things that I do for her. She was so blatant and entitled that I think that helping her with anything at this point is just helping her leave me. She will have to accomplish her business and independence goals on her own. Is there anything else I should be doing at this point? I'm ready for the long haul now.
If you tell her this, then be prepared to back it up because she will call your bluff. It looks like your ideas and all are on the right track. Honestly, its going to get harder before it gets easier.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I'm going to tell my wife that I accept everything that she is doing but that I can no longer be her husband.
What exactly doe this mean to you? Are you going to file? If not, what does "no longer being her husband" entail?
What I mean by this is that she is 100% free to do as she pleases but I cannot and will not do anything to help her leave me. No helping with her art business, no trips together, no money for anything other than essential items, no R talk of any kind because there is no R. I will treat her with respect but I will also treat her as a tenant in my house who is looking to move out at some point.
I'm going to tell my wife that I accept everything that she is doing but that I can no longer be her husband.
What exactly doe this mean to you? Are you going to file? If not, what does "no longer being her husband" entail?
I will not file because it goes against what I want. She will have to do it. If she won't file then I will not concern myself with it. I am not in a hurry to get into another R anyway.
I suspect this is no big realization for most of you, but today I realized that this is just the end of the opening act. W just now can admit that she wants out after a whole year. I figure now she has to explore what that might involve which could easily take another year or longer. It's a marathon not a sprint. . .
I suspect this is no big realization for most of you, but today I realized that this is just the end of the opening act. W just now can admit that she wants out after a whole year. I figure now she has to explore what that might involve which could easily take another year or longer. It's a marathon not a sprint. . .
Lex23, wow, that's a big development. How are you holding up? How are you taking care of yourself? Do you have the support you need? Are you going to tell the kids?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I suspect this is no big realization for most of you, but today I realized that this is just the end of the opening act. W just now can admit that she wants out after a whole year. I figure now she has to explore what that might involve which could easily take another year or longer. It's a marathon not a sprint. . .
Lex23, wow, that's a big development. How are you holding up? How are you taking care of yourself? Do you have the support you need? Are you going to tell the kids?
This has been so long coming that I found acceptance pretty quickly. She took herself away from me bit by bit over the whole year. By the time that she actually put it into words I had already come to grips with it and it wasn't even a surprise.
