I'm still all over the place from the news (a week? Two weeks ago?) of WH and the baby.
I've decided I want to go back to dance classes (something I was doing before and when I met H). So I've checked out a few drop in classes over the next two weeks.
I'm doing mainly ballet, with a bit of yoga and flamenco thrown in. I'll see how it goes.
Then if I can line up some social events, then that's a pretty packed schedule over the next few weeks.
Hopefully that should pass some time and help even things out a bit.
WH is travelling back here Saturday, after working in the States with pregnant OW the past couple months.
I think he might be in touch to discuss the mortgage.
Meantime, I'm trying to work on shoring up my financial situation best as. I realise it's a huge pressure in my life (and it's always been) as I'm self employed and have never really earned very much at all. So maybe this coming year I concentrate on making myself more financially secure, as it's a huge vulnerability at the moment.
I'm working on my tax return as I write, so that's going to highlight pretty sharply how things are for me and what I need to work on.
I'm in agony today, abdomen, thigh and shoulder muscles all aching.
I'm going back next week :))
Weird thing is, that I had been toying with the idea of finding a sketching class. And I discovered our council runs a few free 'sketch and destress' sessions in various locations near my studio. I think I might sign up for those too.
Working hard (I'm self employed, so *not* working hard is never an option). I had a good interview for a two week position, but didn't get it. I'm OK with that, there will be other things I can apply for.
I'm still sorting my house. I took a six month break from it as work was really intense for a while and I didn't have much time left after working 60-70 hour weeks.
I'm back to sorting now. What started as a process of returning WH's things to him (via his mum and sister) morphed into a process of also going through my things and deciding what to donate to charity. It's mostly been clothes so far. I have far too many clothes and really don't need as many. I feel like I could probably go through everything again once I've finished and give away more, but I'll continue what I'm doing for now. I've been reading Marie Kondo's 'Spark Joy' as part of the process and loving it.
How do I feel? Mostly pretty good. The 2 stone (28 pounds) I Iost in the first two months has stayed off. I'm careful-ish what I eat, I pretty much try to eat very, very healthy.
My sleep is really good. For someone who had chronic insomnia for years and years beforehand and was only managing 4 hours sleep a night, I can now occasionally sleep for 6 or 7 hours uninterrupted, which is amazing progress. I realise that part of the cause of my insomnia was not knowing where my H (and then WH) was when I went to bed at night, or where he was when I would wake up during the night, or not knowing if he would even have sent me a text message to let me know where he was.
The last communication I had from him? It was on the 4 November. I change the content (and tone) of what I had written in reply to one he had sent, and I cracked a bit of a light hearted joke in reply...just a one liner. One of my best friends said to me that she didn't think he knew how to deal with it. Who knows. Anyway, OW is expecting and is due very soon, so he'll be all taken up with that.
Last time I checked he's still paying the mortgage. and his last communication was asking how much was left of the mortgage. I'm wondering if he's thinking of just carrying on with the payments until he's paid it off, perhaps out of guilt, thinking that maybe this will free him of the guilt of what he's done? I've no idea. I'm not initiating contact, or that conversation. It's up to him, he's created this situation, so he can bear the burden of initiating contact about it and bringing it up. I'm just carrying on as I have been the past year and a half.
I'm starting to realise that this process that I've been going through isn't going to be one that ever stops. I'm not going to suddenly 'come out the other side of it', and return to a previous life. This had changed me and my life in a very fundamental way, and for ever, and it's going to keep affecting me and my life probably for as long as I live.
I think I hate WH for having put me on this road, but I love and embrace the person that it's turning me into. Deep sorrow and compassion. Ambivalent feelings, for sure.
I'm starting to realise that this process that I've been going through isn't going to be one that ever stops. I'm not going to suddenly 'come out the other side of it', and return to a previous life. This had changed me and my life in a very fundamental way, and for ever, and it's going to keep affecting me and my life probably for as long as I live.
I think you're right...it never will stop. We just have to learn to live with things the way they are and compartmentalize...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hi Focus, Good to hear from you.I've also stepped from the forums (didn't want to keep repeating myself)and tried to get on with life.I agree that it is always going to be with us but the important thing is how we deal with it. My ex-W sometimes pops and it does unsettle me but only as much as I let it.We can only hurt ourselves, they aren't there to see the effect things have on us. It sounds like you have made so much progress in many ways, it is good that your H keeps out of the way for long periods (what can he say that will help you? Nothing), it will allow you to heal and grow even more. Keep on your path, accept that there will be rocky moments (memories,emotions, events etc) but know that you are stronger than ever.
I'm starting to realise that this process that I've been going through isn't going to be one that ever stops. I'm not going to suddenly 'come out the other side of it', and return to a previous life. This had changed me and my life in a very fundamental way, and for ever, and it's going to keep affecting me and my life probably for as long as I live.
I think you're right...it never will stop. We just have to learn to live with things the way they are and compartmentalize...
Good to hear from you, Jeep! Hope you are well.
I'm not sure about compartmentalising though. I'm trying my hardest to assimilate this whole experience, so that it hopefully becomes a living part of me. If it's living, it means it's also constantly changing. Maybe in very small ways at times, but the constantly changing thing is important to me now.
If you'd known me before all of this, you would see how much of a 180 this is for me. I used to be so scared of everything that I hung on to things, and tried hard not to let them change. Or I would try and compartmentalise as much as possible, so that I could deal with the change that was happening in one part of my life.
Anyway, your post has given me food for thought, which is good...what it's all about
Hi Focus, Good to hear from you.I've also stepped from the forums (didn't want to keep repeating myself)and tried to get on with life.I agree that it is always going to be with us but the important thing is how we deal with it. My ex-W sometimes pops and it does unsettle me but only as much as I let it.We can only hurt ourselves, they aren't there to see the effect things have on us. It sounds like you have made so much progress in many ways, it is good that your H keeps out of the way for long periods (what can he say that will help you? Nothing), it will allow you to heal and grow even more. Keep on your path, accept that there will be rocky moments (memories,emotions, events etc) but know that you are stronger than ever.
Hey Scrant! Good to hear from you. I went to see if you'd posted any updates, but couldn't find any. Hope you're doing as well as can be expected - or maybe even doing good?!
I had a bit of a low point the other day. I've been sorting out the cupboard that's in my flat and tidying things up/giving things away. I decided to put all the things relating to our life together on a top shelf in the cupboard (photographs, little gifts, cards...you know, that sort of stuff). It all fitted into three shoe boxes.
It had me in tears again. Is that the sum total of almost 20 years together? Three shoe boxes?
Funnily enough, I remember having the same feeling (but less intense) when I took my grandmother's jewellery to be valued for her estate after she'd died about 10 years ago. There was nothing valuable there, just trinkets really...she wasn't that much interested in jewellery. But I remember having the same thought as it was all set out for the valuer: is that the sum total of a whole life? A couple of necklaces and a handful of brooches?
I'd like to write a bit more this morning, but I've noticed that I start to feel really drained really quickly when I think about it all. So I'm setting myself boundaries when I think about it or talk about it so that I can keep some of my energy for doing positive and constructive things for myself.
Let me know what you're up to and what stage things are at with your life
Another update from me, something I've realised only relatively recently. I'm sleeping a lot, lot better now.
I usually wake up after the five hours.Before it would have been four hours, and then I wouldn't have been able to fall back asleep again. But now I can fall asleep again for another couple of hours. That *never* would have been the case before.
I'm wondering if the horrendous adrenaline rush of the past year (and maybe bit more) is wearing off?
Some days I can also feel quite down, depressed almost. And some days I feel really exhausted.
At first I felt a bit panicky about these feelings, but I think I might be OK with them now.
Maybe the important thing is to carry on doing things for yourself when you feel like this? Even if it's really small things. So the momentum is always forwards. Small things might be very, very small things indeed...
