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Hi all. Newbie here. This is going to be long.

First of all, I must confess that we're not married. We are/were in a 5 year LTR and bought a home together last year, and were talking about marriage. I will use the term "H" even though he's not my H (though I wanted him to be.) I hope no one kicks me out for my lack of legitimacy for posting on this board because I feel like I need your advice.

We are also not spring chickens. H is turning 50 in just a few weeks. I'm turning 40. I believe his age may be playing into what is happening (MLC)?

We met in 2012 and hit it off instantly. He is divorced with two teen children. We moved pretty slow because of this. I'd call my relationship with his kids as pretty decent, especially given that they are teens and that their mother does not want them to be close with me.

His ex is very high conflict, and historically we've had to attend counseling together when she's on an offensive. When we met, he lived in the same neighborhood as her. She's hostile and clueless about boundaries, so it was a nightmare. I do believe that she emotionally abused him in their marriage and afterward.

He used to appease her to get the harassment to stop, and we went through one breakup in 2014 that was directly caused by his need to appease her. He came back 8-9 months later, telling me he'd loved me all the while and he could see things so much more clearly. He asked me to move in with him a few months after. I didn't agree to it right away, because one of my stipulations was that we had to start looking to move out of that neighborhood within a year or she'd succeed in breaking us up again.

I have no concerns about lingering feelings for his ex. I do think they were codependent and he had some trauma bonds lingering, but I believe him when he says he wants nothing to do with her. His marriage to her was about resolving issues with his mother, and he used to tell me he'd never experienced love like what we had together.

Our sex life was always been frequent and great. We do have periods where we slow down when live stress is hitting us, but then we’ll rev it back up and remember that’s our natural state.

He is a naturally affectionate person. We’d always hold hands and sit on the same side of restaurant booths – we were that couple. grin

We purchased our house last year. He put money down, and I make the payments. We both held onto our former properties and have tenants in each of them.

Over New Years, he approached my dad and asked for his blessing for us to get engaged this year. My dad was thrilled.

In January, he'd finally been stepping up when it came to his kids. In typical divorced dad fashion, he'd had no expectations of them, and his low housekeeping standards meant that I was cleaning up after three able-bodied people.

I requested some very simple things: cleaning up possessions from common areas, taking dishes to dishwasher, having one chore the kids are responsible for when with us. I left implementing these things up to him, as I had no cache as an authority in our home due to the kids' ages.

We knew they'd push back on him, but I don't think either of us expected that they'd bully their father in the same way his ex does. I think this traumatized him. He's very invested in his kids liking him, but I'm very clear that unless it directly impacts me, it's not something I'm going to worry about. He's their dad and he gets to parent how he wants. It's not how I'd do it, but oh well.

Additionally, after the holidays, awful ex-wife had hired a lawyer and was coming after him for money. She felt since we bought a home together and I likely contribute to the household expenses that he should be paying her more. Sigh.

One night in late January, I came home from a dinner with a friend. I was telling her how wonderful things were, and how we felt like we’d finally figured some things out about communicating so that we don’t allow third parties to cause us to argue.

I told her how he’d told me that he cherished me a week before. “Cadence, I not only love you, but I cherish you. I cherish you and our relationship.” We were also talking about flying to Vegas in late spring, so no one in the peanut gallery could make our marriage about them. He doesn't need to get married, but since it was important to me, it was important to him, too. He'd said that he was starting to get excited about it, which was a huge endorsement for him.

After dinner, I came home, and noticed he’d done a small repair that I’d asked him to do a few weeks prior, and I gave him a hug and a kiss and thanked him. We were laughing about something. I asked about the pile of dishes from him and his kids, and was just about to offer to help with them, and he blew up on me. It was out of nowhere. He yelled to his son to come empty the dishwasher, and his son screamed back at him. And H started throwing things and swearing at me. He said we were never getting married because “it” will never stop. I told him that I didn’t deserve to be spoken to that way and went upstairs to our bedroom and locked the door.

He came up after a few minutes and demanded I open it. I told him that I’d be happy to do that if he’d apologize for swearing at me. His answer was to kick the door down. He told me that not only were we not getting married but our relationship was over. He slept on the couch that night.

We were then in a month long détente, where he wouldn’t talk to me. He cut off the credit card that I use on his account. He stopped sharing food with me. If I cooked, he wouldn’t eat it. He stopped sharing a toothbrush with me. He, a huge bed hog, slept on the verrrrrrry edge of the bed, making sure we never accidentally touched. One time I had to pick up something near him and he actively flinched, like I had cooties or something. I accidentally walked in on him after a shower when he was in his underwear and he said a snotty "Excuse me?"

This man was always so affectionate that I felt like I was constantly peeling his limbs off of me and now he’s flinching when I’m nearby him. What?

And even more bizarre, he was going from room to room as if I were in active pursuit of him. But I wasn’t. I’m a fan of giving people more space than they seem to be asking for. I’d wondered when he was going to look up and notice that I wasn’t chasing him. I felt like he was reacting to the present day as if I were his ex or his mother (who is controlling and anxious).

I tried everything to get him to talk. I am happy to say I only lost my temper with him exactly one time, where I followed him and cried and begged him to talk about it with me. He’d only say he was thinking about what he wanted to do. I told him that talking with me wouldn’t prevent him from thinking independently. He refused. Apparently I’m just going to manipulate him with my words and devastating good looks, or something.

I tried to remain upbeat. I told him that I loved him at bedtime every night. I wrote him a letter inviting him to talk to me. He read it after a week, and said that we’d talk soon. He asked if we could go see our counselor, and I agreed. I thought that things would get better.

No. He broke up with me in counseling. He wants to end the relationship and sell the house. I have tenants in my old home through next year, so I have nowhere to live. His tenants will be moving out in a few months’ time.

Our counselor urged him not to make big decisions. She said he was thinking in black and white terms and decisions shouldn’t be made when emotions are in charge. He did not want to listen to that. I’d said that I felt like he was projecting a great deal of negative emotions onto me and that I felt that whatever he was unhappy about, it wasn’t me. Our counselor said she felt like that might be what’s going on.

He says he goes too far in relationships even when he’s not happy. He things buying the home was a huge mistake. He wants to go back and live in his condo with his kids and have no expectations of them. He doesn’t want to worry about dealing with another person’s feelings. He wants to be alone and work on his boundaries in relationships (the counselor told him that he wouldn’t be able to do that while alone.)

He also said he wants someone more easygoing. I told him that I’m pretty easygoing where it counts, and any other woman would be burning his clothing and screaming at him to talk to her if he ever froze her out for a month.

That night, he crawled into bed next to me for another night of sleeping on the edge of the bed and ensuring that we don’t touch. I asked him why he’d want to sleep next to me if he was breaking up with me. That caught him off guard. I suggested he needed to sleep elsewhere. He did. He’s since moved into the spare room and sleeps on a mattress on the floor.

We’ve lived in the home for less than a year. It’s not going to magically sell, and most likely it’s not going to sell at what we paid for it as we’ve done zero improvements. He makes a decent secondary income from his rental property; he’ll lose that if he moves back. He’s turning 50 and works manual labor and has said many times he needed a reliable income stream. Now he’s got that and he so badly wants to get away from me that he’s willing to sacrifice that.

After that counseling appointment, he’d open up bit by bit. One day he was obsessed with getting his down payment back. Another day was that I’d made him buy the house (?) and that I was “relentless.”

Coincidentally, in late January/early February he had to transfer a large chunk of change to his ex-wife from his retirement account. She’d never provided details he needed to roll over the money, and her lawyer acted as if he was keeping it from her. In hindsight, ex-wife is a genius. She waited until he’d made a large financial commitment with me, and then went after him for money. And all of a sudden he goes "too far with women" and is obsessed with getting tens of thousands of dollars back in his bank account?

I am not relentless. His ex-wife is (our counselor pointed this out to him.) I did not make him buy the house. Before we bought it there were two times he was thinking of backing out, and I supported him both times. I love our house, and he used to tell me he did too. But now the house, and me, are apparently the source of his misery. It kills me to have to leave it but it was never about the house, it was about building a life with him away from his crazy ex.

I also heard that he hasn’t been happy. I asked him why he’d – totally unprompted - tell me he cherished me before the argument, and he had no answer. I think he’s pretty mad at himself for that comment because he can’t rewrite history as smoothly as he’d like to.

I’ve pointed out the similarities between what he’s doing now and what he did in 2014. I’ve pointed out that all the things he feels for me are the things he should be feeling for his ex-wife. Nothing has made a difference.

We saw our counselor one more time to talk logistics. H brought a notebook with three pages of my faults listed. I think he was trying to combat the idea that he was projecting negativity onto me. The counselor looked alarmed and asked his intent, and said that maybe he should only share 2 or 3. They didn’t really make any sense, as they’re things that he’s known since I met him. He says I don’t manage money well, which was true. Since I moved in with him he’s helped me make a budget and I stick to it and even have found ways to cut costs even further.

I’ve decided that I will move out of the house that I love. Neither of us can afford it on our own, and living there feels like a slow death, particularly when his kids are with us. I feel excluded, and it’s so painful. They were supposed to become my family, too. He’s totally cut me out. He doesn’t tell me when one of the kids has an event at school. I’m in the process of trying to find an apartment, but it’s not easy with two cats and a small dog.

I told the counselor that when I move, I’ll be taking my salary with me. I have no idea how he’ll make the payments on the house. (I’ve spoken with a lawyer to confirm that I can walk away; I can.)

At one point, he brought up the idea of staying together but living apart. The counselor asked me what I thought about that, and I said that it was brand new and I’d have to think about it. By the end of the appointment he’d changed his mind. He said he was going to do what he should have done three years ago (stay away from me?)

The counselor pointed out to him that the fact that he’d suggest something like that means that he does love me and whatever linkage he's making between real estate and me isn't really valid.

The things that he was upset about with me came down to communication. When I’m sensitive about something, I want to talk about it. When he’s sensitive about something, he clams up and avoids it, but seems to think that he communicates it telepathically to me. I told the counselor that I feel like communication is a learned behavior, and that’s something that we could work on together. He sees it as a fixed trait. He says that I can't change. The counselor told him that communication is fixable.

A few days after our appointment he told me that he doesn’t love me.

A little over a week ago, after hearing he doesn’t love me, I changed tactics. I leave rooms when he comes in. I am not trying to get him to talk. I’ve accepted that this is the end (as much as I’m capable of accepting it.) I am maintaining a happy affect, playing music and humming along, but I’m not speaking with him unless he asks me something. When he does I am pleasant but short with him. I stayed out late both nights this weekend, which is unlike me. I let him see me wearing new things and styling my hair in new ways. He sees me get text messages, smile, primp in the mirror and then leave.

I’m trying my best to do the 180 and be mysterious. It took him a few days to notice, but he seems to be taking notice of these changes. Now he’s coming into rooms when I’m in them. He's feeding and walking my dog, whereas before this he'd just leave her in her crate until I got home.

He knows I am leaving, and last he knew I said probably by April 1st. I had an apartment lined up but it fell through. I'm trying to find another place that will take my pets and won't bankrupt me. We live in one of the tightest rental markets in the U.S., so it's not easy.

I’m wondering if this is a MLC. His birthday is approaching and I've noticed a sudden uptick in his kale consumption. He eats a steamed kale salad at least once a day (either for lunch or dinner). That started in January, right around the time he freaked out.

I found a flash drive that had portraits of him on it sitting out on a table in the room where he’s sleeping. I can tell that a friend of his took them, and they were obviously intended for an online dating profile. He's wearing different shirts, and all of the pictures are just of him. I’m guessing he’s making a profile as we speak to find that elusive woman whose needs align perfectly with his own. "I want to be alone", my *ss.

My friends and family are flabbergasted. Of course, they are encouraging me to get away from him and that he doesn’t love me if he’s treating me like this. I’m listening a little bit, because I know they only hear my side of things. I still haven’t been able to tell my dad; he was so happy for us that he’s going to be heartbroken and worried.

I’m prepared to move out, but I was hoping he’d come to his senses before I do. But I also know that he has been seeing me as a source of negativity in his life, so he’s most likely to feel relief when I do. I know that he loves me deeply underneath whatever is going on with him, and I know that will come out as soon as the pressure is off of him, but that’s not very soothing given that my life is imploding for reasons I don’t fully understand.

I’m trying to take care of me and realize that I am not a perfect partner and certainly can do better, but that whatever happened is coming 100% from inside of him and he’s projected it onto me. He sees me as the optional relationship in his life, and if he can just get away from me and the house everything will be better. It is incredibly difficult to have someone who was your best friend and lover suddenly act like he is physically reviled by you.

My career is overwhelming and I am also working on my doctorate, so I don’t have much time for self-care and new hobbies. I’m taking this day by day. My deepest fears are about rejection and abandonment, so it's a fight every day with myself not to sink in and fall apart. If there is any upside to this, it's that I'm facing my issues head on and will come out of it a better person.

I'm still looking for apartments. I'm terrified I'll have to witness him dating, or staying out all night, or other things that will trigger me.

He thinks he's totally rational. He thinks that the upheaval to the kids' lives is justified because he'll be "true to himself." He will be in worse financial shape if we sell the house and he moves back to his condo, but he doesn't care. That's how badly he thinks he wants to get away from me.

I read the "MLC for dummies" script and I couldn't get over how similar it was to what he's doing or saying. I nearly fell out of my chair when I read the description about sleeping on the very edge of the marital bed, because that was something I'd found so bizarre. I thought he looked like a vampire constrained by an invisible coffin.

I don't think there is another person in the picture, but I remember a small oddity coming earlier in January. He'd attended a school function where he was volunteering his time and his truck, and he came home telling me about discussions with other parents he'd just met about parenting teenagers. It struck me as odd. I can't say exactly why, but maybe the implied intimacy of the discussion with someone he'd just met?

Any advice for me?

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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cadence Offline OP
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Thanks, Cadet.

I returned home from an evening class and he's not here. The kids have gone back to their mother's house for the next week, and he's apparently back to making himself scarce until after he thinks I'll already be asleep.

I'm trying to not let it get to me and enjoy the silence, but it's hard. He thinks of me so negatively that he can't stand being in the same house as me, even though I'm not chasing him.

I snooped a week and a half ago in the receipts in his wallet. As I suspected, he goes out for a snack and a few beers. I don't doubt he's hoping to meet someone and/or is hoping I'll worry about that.

As I said in my post, I've been doing a 180 for about a week and a half. I am not really speaking to him unless spoken to, and I'm trying my darnedest to be upbeat. The past few days have been more difficult. I am cold, which is probably me protecting myself. I do speak happily to the kids and to the animals.

Does anyone have any tips on how to maintain a pleasant affect with him? Does it even matter given that I spent a month and half trying to coax him out of his shell and telling him I loved him every night?

He has said he wants to talk about finances but never brings it up. He's also wanted to sell the house but doesn't bring up anything about pursuing that.

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Originally Posted By: cadence
Does anyone have any tips on how to maintain a pleasant affect with him? Does it even matter given that I spent a month and half trying to coax him out of his shell and telling him I loved him every night?

Read the pursuit and distance thread in the hoomework,
I think that is where you need to make a 180


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cadence Offline OP
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Thanks, Cadet.

To be clear, I have made that change and it seems to be making him curious.

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Don't read into curiosity or anything. Use this time to work on you!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Thanks all. I read the pursuer and distancer thread. He's definitely a distancer, and I'm a mild pursuer. I regret trying to talk to him in the month of his fugue state, but at least I stopped.

He asked if we could talk about finances tonight. I agreed.

I plan on making sure my posture is on point and that I seem happy. I think I'm going to agree with everything out of his mouth (even if it's negativity about our relationship.)

The only item I won't agree to is paying more than half while I am still in the house.

I'm going to look at a few more apartments today. Hopefully I'll find something. I worry that extended exposure to me is hurting my chances of him eventually coming out of this.

Though I don't have a lot of free time (working full time and writing my dissertation) or money (though hopefully finding an affordable apartment will help that) my GAL plan is:

- Working on my rejection/abandonment fears. This isn't about me and my worth. This is the healthiest I've ever felt about a breakup. Normally they send me reeling. Whenever I feel myself sinking, I pull myself out of it.

- Working on my anxiety about loneliness. Same thing as above.

- I don't think I'm going to date for a while. I've got to work on myself so I can make healthier choices in who I attract.

- Work on my procrastination tendencies and pour myself into finishing my degree.

- Pick up weight lifting, spinning, or both.

- Stick to my low carb diet. I've got a few extra pounds I want to lose.

- Work on being friendlier with people I pass by. I have always avoided eye contact, and I'm going to challenge myself to look people in the eye and smile.

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Also, question for folks:

His milestone birthday is rapidly approaching. It looks like I'll most likely still be living there on his birthday.

What do I do? Nothing?

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Originally Posted By: cadence

What do I do? Nothing?

What do you want to do and why?


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