MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

[FightOn]

Bird - I am so sorry this is happening. They do become so selfish and greedy during this time. It is hard to fathom. Hang in there. And like Gordie says, vent, vent, vent.

Peacetoday - I think you are so right about MLCers will either go up or go down. At least I really, really want to believe that. I know this sounds kinda mean, but there is a large part of me that wants my H to nosedive if we divorce. I hope his relationship with OW tanks, too.

My therapist told me that what he often sees is that the issues H has will come to the surface quicker in his subsequent relationships if he does nothing to work on them. He will put his defense up father and father out so when an issue comes up that is close to an issue we had, it will become a problem much sooner.

[Bird]

Thanks, Gordie and FightOn.... yeah, he certainly doesn't seem to be backing down from his need to run away. So here's a guy who left us and moved into his own place, makes twice as much as me and is also (allegedly) having an affair with his former boss. But he wants to drill down the amount he's paying me both for child support and alimony. As their mother, I will always do most of the shopping with them - clothes, school supplies, etc. But he thinks it should be lower since we share custody 50/50. They don't even like going to his house, apparently they don't do anything when they are with him and he's always grouchy (he never used to be grouchy - I always had the shorter fuse). I feel like it's just propelling forward down a dark path now.

On the GAL front, I got my first tattoo last night! It's a phoenix. I've been thinking about it for several months now and decided to take the plunge. I wanted a reminder to look at to remember that I will continue to rise up at times (like today) when I feel like I can't do it. It might be a little reactionary, but I like it so it's ok. I always said I wasn't going to get one until I had a design and placement in mind that meant something personal to me. In college I almost got a daisy chain on my hip when it occurred to me that it meant nothing and I walked out. Now it means something and I'm really happy with it.

[SBJ]

Follow your attorneys advice and fight for what you are entitled to and nothing less.

As far as a darker path that he might be going down...maybe it has to get worse before it gets better.

This thread would be much better with pics...haha! Congrats on the tattoo and the name change.

[Gordie]

Bird??? You should have renamed your self Phoenix!!! You will rise from the ashes...and yes, in my dark moments, I hope terrible things happen to my W's POM and all her fantasies crumble...vent, vent, vent...as a former stuffer, I've learned it's quite healthy to let these things out...

[kml]

In many states the alimony is half the length of the marriage, so you are already getting less than you would in many states. Don't agree to reduce that unless you get something equally valuable in return. DO remember that alimony can always be revisited.
My ex bargained me down from 12 years alimony to 10 (I did get something in return in the negotiations as I recall). I was willing to accept that reduction because I knew that in 10 years he could retire - his income would drop and he would theoretically be able to go back to court and get the alimony reduced then anyway. Plus if he retired my share of his early retirement would kick in and replace the lost money.

Also - when negotiating between alimony and child support - remember the tax consequences. Alimony is income to you and tax deductible to him. Child support is not income to you I believe and therefore not taxable to you.

He wants to reduce child support since he have them 50/50, reduce the length of time for alimony and put in a clause where alimony ceases if I get remarried or cohabitate with someone else.

Let me share my experience with this cohabitation thing (which is kinda standard in my state my attorney told me, although my friend's divorce did not include it).

At the time, I wasn't concerned about it. Lord knows at that time I sure didn't see me wanting to live with another man for a long time! The legal argument (and my ex's) is that he doesn't want to be paying to support some other man, and if I'm hooked up with some other guy, I should be hIS problem to support.

So I left it in, I had bigger fights to fight. My ex started dating his current wife a year after he dumped me, and she moved in with him within a year. I dated several men after my divorce, then finally found Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome. We started dating 4 years after my divorce and are still together 4 years later. He moved to my town after the first year and lives in an apartment a mile away from my house.

We have to be careful not to exceed the limited number of nights per month sleeping together. (I think it's 8). He's had a temporary business downturn lately and it would be helpful if he could live with me while getting his business back up and running because he could save rent, but that's not possible as if I lose my alimony $ I cannot continue to support my college kid.

It's annoying and if I had to do it again I would either 1) fight harder to have that removed (how is it fair that my ex gets to live with his girlfriend but I can't with mine?) or 2)get a lump sum settlement instead of alimony payments.

There wasn't enough cash available for me to get a lump sum, but if there is in your sitch - take it! Lump sum has advantages:
1) It's not taxable to you, it's just a splitting of your assets.
2) It can't be reversed - if you ex becomes disabled a year later, you still have your lump sum (alimony could be reduced or eliminated if his financial situation changes. And you have to maintain a life insurance policy on your ex in case he dies before he's done paying alimony).
3) Paying monthly checks to you seems to keep the WAH in a state of perpetual resentment. I only found out recently, after all these years, that my ex was laboring under the mistaken belief that he was paying me almost 40% of his income. (He was always bad at math and taxes.) The true figure, including once you calculate the tax break he gets, is about 11% of his after-tax income- not at all unreasonable considering we were married for 24 years, he cheated on me, and I mommy-tracked my career to raise our 3 children and allow him to become a star at his career. Yet because he had this crazy idea that I was "bleeding him dry" with every monthly check he wrote, he found ways to stick me with every extraneous parenting cost once our kids were technically (but not functionally) adults. I'm sure we would be on friendlier terms now if I had just gotten a lump sum in the beginning and he had gotten over it. Consult with a tax specialist if you need help understanding the ramifications of these different options (my attorney was great but NOT great with the math/taxes details, luckily I am).

Also - no need to respond immediately to anything he proposes. You can just say you need to think about it and do your research, then do your research and let your lawyer handle any response.

[kml]

Oh - and getting a lump sum eliminates that whole "cohabitation" hassle.

[Bird]

So... gave my atty my thoughts on his email a week ago. She hasn't gotten back to me yet.

In the meantime, he's been textier than usual. All business, but I sense a higher level of communication from him. He's even chatted briefly while picking up the kids (again, all business but still it's something). We were in the giant blizzard this week. He got out of work early on Tues and came over to snowblow the driveway for me. Then he came over again yesterday around noon and did it again. He told me last night when he came back to pick up the kids that if I needed him to do it again before I left for work just to text him in the morning. Trying to keep my expectations at zero. This is "old H" behavior, making sure we're taken care of. He came upstairs when he picked them up to grab their bags (he never leaves the foyer normally) and commented on how good the house smelled (I had made butter chicken and jasmine rice for my dinner and it did smell amazing I have to say).

D12 has an orthodontist appt tomorrow am and there is no school here. They are with him on Thursday nights so she will be at his house tomorrow. I texted to remind him that she has an appt. I said I can take her but can you bring her by the house on your way to work so I can take her to work with me before her appt. He said sure, and to text him when we get to ortho because he can come and get her and bring her back home for me.

I don't want to look into it at all. Because this is the roller coaster car getting to the top of the hill before it goes flying to the bottom. Ugh, but I can't help it. I'm hoping there's a glimmer of old H in there fighting.

Lastly, he has the kids for St Paddy's since it's Friday, not for the holiday. They realized they wouldn't be here and went nuts because it's "my" holiday (I take all things Irish very seriously, lol). So he texted earlier in the week and said they told him they wanted to spend it with me. I told him that they had told me the same but that I said it was really up to him. I'd bought corned beef & cabbage to make for friday and I was happy to have them if it was ok with him. He said that sounded good and that he would pick them up after and take them out for dessert.

So this morning because I love to kick myself, I texted and invited him for dinner. I told him the girls and I talked about it (we had) and wondered if he'd like to join us for dinner and that I had already planned to make a cake for dessert. Trying to be the lighthouse. So he texted back after a couple hours and said he had told some people at work he'd join them for a St Paddy's beer after work, but would it be ok if he joined us for dessert at the house afterward. I responded and said that sounds good to me and I'll let the girls know.

I'm trying to walk the fine line of not pursuing but trying to be someone he wouldn't want to run away from. Warm house full of good smells, smiling wife and kids (and the dog)... just something for him to think of on his nights alone. OW can't give him those things...

I'm really hoping that some little cracks of light are starting to shine through. I also know I'm a glutton for punishment because I don't know when to quit. We'll see how things go...

[Gordie]

Great update! I'm glad he is acting better and took care of the snow. Enjoy Friday. Good he is joint for dessert. I hate to ask...but is the affair still going on?

[Bird]

Hmmm....I don't know. I don't have any proof of it and he continues to deny there was one. When I confronted him in February about it he said that he may ask her out. I felt like it was a CYA sort of answer. From everything I've read though, it seems unwise to believe that there ISN'T an affair...

[Bird]

Dessert went well. H came over around 7:30 and stayed for about an hour. We had dessert & decaf and chatted about work, stuff wth the kids...all in all a very pleasant time. I'd like to think he misses being here with us, or maybe he's just settling into his new normal. He took the kids for their overnight with him and now I'm here with the dog on my own like most Friday nights.

My goal was to give him a nice time with his family so he'd reflect later on what he's missing, but I'm the one sitting here alone reflecting. I miss them and I miss our family. I miss my best friend. Hoping he's thinking the same.