MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

[Bird]

Wow Gordie, that is a terrific response! Polite and articulate yet the point is crystal clear.

I know H's parents are starting to come to the same conclusion that I am and his father is very upset with him, but yes - blood is definitely thicker than water. Even after 20 years.

Sotto - I don't know that he was definitely with her. I think it's fairly safe to assume but I have no proof and he will deny it until his dying breath for whatever reason.

[peacetoday]

If possible I would keep a watch on the accounts

Not sure if your split them yet-
-get your name off all accounts with him
They overspend and if we are on the account-we can get blamed and held accountable

I think it takes a while for the MIL to figure it out that their son is cracked
after a short while, my xMIL would call me for advice on dealing with her son an his OW whom she hated

[Bird]

Yes, this acct is the only one we share and it will be dissolved after our house sells. Everything else including credit cards are in our individual names. I work in finance and I have always handled all the money and bills, so that was high on my priority list to protect the kids and I in case he goes further down the tunnel. For the most part, everything is as simplified as it can get, I suppose...

My MIL loves us both and wants to sit on both sides of the fence. Unfortunately I can't have someone in my life who is financially supporting my kids being taken from their home and their mother 50% of their lives, you know? I know the MLC'r doesn't respond to logic, but there is a really selfish part of me that is so angry and disappointed that though every single person in our families and all of our coworkers and friends think he is acting like a fool, no one will call him out on it. Everyone tells me how awful it is what he's doing, but I wonder why no one tells him he's behaving awfully?

[SBJ]

I agree totally with the fact that nobody calls them out. My W's younger sister is the only one that called her out and is now shut out. If anyone disagrees with them they are out.

Our MLC'ers are out in lalaland and can't see the forest thru the trees. Reading some of what sandi1 and AmyC wrote helps me understand that I won't understand what she is going thru.

[peacetoday]

its true
No one wants to get involved
I remember thinking the same thing
My XH had good friends and a support group of guys

I dont think any of them really talked to him about his choices

I asked one mutual guy friend from a bible group we were part of to talk to him and he did
but came back saying H said he was just not happy in the M

MLC is not something someone can be talked into or out of
Its like a crises(mental illness)
Some say it is an accumulation of childhood trauma unresolved
so unless the MLCer seeks help with his childhood issues, they won't recover
Few seek help
Few will come out better than when they went in the tunnel because they spend most of their crises running and instead of resolving and growing they get sicker
You can only go up or down and many MLCer will go down
you will know more as time passes and you see his NEW behavior which way he goes
But the focus is on you and your change and growth
To use this time to Heal you
To figure out what you could do better in your life
A self evaluation and to become a reliable source for our kids
A better parent and the stable parent
our kids needs that to flourish

[SBJ]

I dont think any of them really talked to him about his choices

I asked one mutual guy friend from a bible group we were part of to talk to him and he did
but came back saying H said he was just not happy in the M

Plus, because they spin things and rewrite the marriage history, their friends and close family don't get the "real" story. then if they disagree with the MLC'er then they will be shut down and shut out.

you will know more as time passes and you see his NEW behavior which way he goes

I know in my W's case, she is great at masking everything. I read an interesting article this morning that summed up how we keep our front yards manicured nice and neat, but some back yards are amazingly messy. It compared prodigal spouses to that saying that they place so much effort into making sure their lives look good up front, but the spiritual and emotional "back yards", the place where God looks, is lacking.

We need clean up our own back yard and work on improving ourselves so that our prodigal/MLC/wayward spouse might notice...if they do not, then I am certain that we will be better for it down the line.

[Bird]

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in a while. Remember H's. POW who was his boss and recently quit? LinkedIn suggested her open position to me as a potential I may be interested in. Unlike her, I don't go for sloppy seconds though, lol.

Ah, the awkward crappiness of working in the same industry as your spouse in a small city - especially when after 20 years you have shared colleagues all over town.

That reminds me, I should change my user name. I thought when I registered it would be my login made but I guess I did it backwards.

[kml]

But think how fun it would be to be H's boss lol

[Bird]

So... H emailed me a bunch of changes to the S agmt that he and his lawyer came up with. Mostly regarding money. He wants to reduce child support since he have them 50/50, reduce the length of time for alimony and put in a clause where alimony ceases if I get remarried or cohabitate with someone else.

We are selling our house. He is currently not paying anything and we agreed to keep the paychecks and bills being paid normally until the house sells and then close the joint account and he would start paying support and maintenance. I put in a clause to start paying the earlier of the house sale or 9/1 because who knows how long it will take the house to sell? He wants to remove that because he won't be able to pay support if we're still paying the mortgage on the house.

Lastly he wants to reduce alimony from the 7 years 7 months in the formula to 6 years 6 months. He mentioned "splitting the difference" in that the range for 20 years is between 5 years 6 months and 7 years 7 months. He left me and is dating someone else but I should somehow be penalized because he didn't keep his promise to me.

I am so angry and sad right now. 20 years of marriage. I was a good partner and a good mother. I took good care of my family and always honored my marriage vows. And it all comes down to money.

He sent me this super cordial, gentlemanly email - as though he's taking some sort of high road that absolves him of what he's doing to our family.

Also FYI - I changed my display name so I expect that will be different in a couple of days.

[Gordie]

KarenHC,

This is all lose-lose so share your frustration, sadness, anger. The rules vary state to state, so can't really give advice, but ask your L (and divorced friends in your state). As Jeep74 says, this is just...sucktastic. Vent, vent, vent...