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#2734790 - 03/18/17 05:34 AM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: Bird]
job Offline

Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 23903
Loc: Maryland
You did very well. You've got the right idea about giving him a nice time. Those little memories go a long way when he's by himself.

Keep up the good work!

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#2734807 - 03/18/17 07:26 AM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: job]
SBJ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/16
Posts: 476
Loc: Texas
Had a similar experience last night with mine. She is out of town with our D14 and i have our boys. She texted (hardly ever does anymore) to check on them and we had a very friendly exchange. It was nice. That is all I can do for now.

You seem to be doing well. Sorry for the lonely feelings. My boys stayed in their rooms after dinner so I had the dogs, the TV and some Irish Whiskey for the celebratory evening.


Jeremiah 29:11New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)

11 For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the Lord—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.
_________________________
Me 46 W43
T25 M22
S19 D14 S10
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
I'm now trying to be the Lighthouse...
"First SURVIVE it, then LIVE through it and ultimately THRIVE." - Roist

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#2734931 - 03/19/17 08:03 AM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: SBJ]
Bird Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/17
Posts: 50
Thank you Job. It's so hard in the moment to know what is right. It's very difficult to do the 180 because whereas I want to show him that I'm doing great and make him wonder why he left, I also don't want him to let himself believe that I'm just fine and therefore he made the right decision. It feels like a no win situation.

SBJ - I would have been with you on the Irish whiskey but H took all the scotch and whiskey when he left. I did have a Guinness with the dog though, lol.

I subscribe to the daily meditations from Our Daily Bread and there was a good one yesterday:

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

It's so hard for me to trust and hand this over to Him. I'm afraid that keeping this family together isn't part of the Plan. Having faith that things will work out means accepting that they won't work out in the way I think they should. I realize this is counter to having faith in and of itself but I can't figure out how to let it go and trust.
_________________________
Me : 41
Him : 42
M : 18
T : 19
d - 12, d - 10
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
2/17 I filed for S

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#2734962 - 03/19/17 12:58 PM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: Bird]
peacetoday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 2939
Hi Bird

It is a leap of faith
letting go not knowing the outcome
and knowing God's plan isn't necessary our plan at the moment
But looking back on your life now
do you see everything has always worked out
not always exactly what we want
some mistakes some regrets-we learn and move on
and sometimes better


Edited by job (03/19/17 01:24 PM)
Edit Reason: edited a word for poster
_________________________
married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow

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#2734995 - 03/19/17 07:55 PM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: Bird]
SBJ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/16
Posts: 476
Loc: Texas
Only thru prayer and faith will we get thru this trial of life. I have begun wondering if this is my trial or hers. Is this happening so that I learn something that I needed to learn, or is this happening so that she learns a life lesson, or is it happening so that when my kids are older they have learned something.

Either way I feel my faith has strengthened. I could have just as easily gotten angry at God, but I accept that there is something I needed to learn from all of this.

Nowhere does it say that things will be fair, but it does say he will supply us with all that we need. If you have faith just the size of a mustard seed then you are on the right track. Keep asking him to make your path known to you and look for the signs that he will place there for you.

I also received that reading...it really brings to light what I feel at times. The very next line says that the troubles of the just are many, but that God delivers the just from them.

Keep the faith a take it one day at a time.
_________________________
Me 46 W43
T25 M22
S19 D14 S10
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
I'm now trying to be the Lighthouse...
"First SURVIVE it, then LIVE through it and ultimately THRIVE." - Roist

Top
#2735074 - 03/20/17 08:45 AM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: Bird]
Gordie Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/16
Posts: 830
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Bird

It's so hard for me to trust and hand this over to Him. I'm afraid that keeping this family together isn't part of the Plan. Having faith that things will work out means accepting that they won't work out in the way I think they should. I realize this is counter to having faith in and of itself but I can't figure out how to let it go and trust.


Bird--this is exactly how I feel!
_________________________
Me 42, W 42, M20, five kids
2011 W's MLC begins after baby #5
2012-2015 New look, new friends, new religion, new business
2016 Sep BD - W doesn't want to be married anymore, POM 22

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#2735160 - 03/20/17 03:56 PM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: Gordie]
Bird Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/17
Posts: 50
Thank you, peacetoday and SBJ. Those are words that I will refer back to again and again in my struggle to find and keep my faith.

Sometimes, when I can't fall asleep (which is really always) I try to start a story in my head. I've been trying to start a story where H comes over unannounced or texts me for coffee, where he says something along the lines of, "I don't want this. Moving out wasn't the answer I was looking for" and then we talk about things he needs to work through to get to a better place in his head. But everytime I try to run through this story in my head, I always fall asleep before we actually meet to talk. I don't know why. I can run through a thousand stories and still not fall asleep, but in this scenario my brain shuts off before we even speak. Curious.

So, my attorney wrote me back and asked if I went through my concerns with H (my concerns with his concerns, as it were). She seems to think that he and I should discuss this stuff and if we can't come to an agreement then we should meet with both attorneys before taking it to court. So I'm working on a follow up to his email that addresses my concerns (moving away from a strict 50/50, increasing what he thinks he should pay for support) and yet somehow not alienate him into thinking he can't wait to get farther away from me. I want to make sure the kids and I are financially secure but I'm still trying to make coming home an attractive option for him. He has shown no sign of confusion or regret to me about his actions. I haven't slept next to him since November 3rd. Last week was the most open he's been since then, but neither of us mention the M at all. Relationship talks ceased the day he told me he wanted out.

Also Gordie -thanks for your ideas regarding my response to MIL a couple of weeks ago. She's sent two more emails to me so I felt like I needed to respond and your sample email really helped me to put into words where our relationship needs to be for the time being.
_________________________
Me : 41
Him : 42
M : 18
T : 19
d - 12, d - 10
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
2/17 I filed for S

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#2735182 - 03/20/17 06:31 PM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: Bird]
Gordie Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/16
Posts: 830
Loc: USA
I think your email to your H needs to just ask if you guys can find a time talk as you'd like to come to agreement without the added expense and time of lawyers and judges. Negotiation by email doesn't work, IMHO. When you talk live, you can better express the desire to keep the door open while also needing to secure the finances for you and your children. Know where you can flex and where you cannot. It's a negotiation so give and take. Both parties should end equally unhappy, sorry.
_________________________
Me 42, W 42, M20, five kids
2011 W's MLC begins after baby #5
2012-2015 New look, new friends, new religion, new business
2016 Sep BD - W doesn't want to be married anymore, POM 22

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#2735184 - 03/20/17 06:38 PM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: Bird]
Gordie Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/16
Posts: 830
Loc: USA
And did your email to MIL achieve its goal?
_________________________
Me 42, W 42, M20, five kids
2011 W's MLC begins after baby #5
2012-2015 New look, new friends, new religion, new business
2016 Sep BD - W doesn't want to be married anymore, POM 22

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#2735228 - 03/21/17 05:38 AM Re: MLC? Maybe you can tell me... [Re: Gordie]
Bird Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/17
Posts: 50
Re: the email. I think so. I didn't want to leave her hanging and assuming that I was cutting her out of my life without a word, but I also wanted it to be clear that this currently a conflict of interest and emotions for me so the distance is necessary while things are in limbo. I haven't heard back from her, but my message was loving but crystal clear. I feel like it was good to send it.

You're right about the email, I totally agree. But I'm probably not going to work on a face to face with him. Mostly because that would be a major strength for him. I need time to prep and digest these things and he is very skilled at thinking on the fly as well as being influencing in negotiation. Both of which would spell certain doom for what I'm trying to achieve. And whether he believes it or not, both parties will end equally unhappy, there is no doubt of that. There is no winner in a D. Still, hope springs eternal and if I play this smart and fair, then maybe there is a possibility of a future someday.
_________________________
Me : 41
Him : 42
M : 18
T : 19
d - 12, d - 10
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
2/17 I filed for S

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