Here again 2

[25yearsmlc]

Hi TO, I've been thinking about you today and hoping it's been a good day. Check in here when you have a second. I know you're covered up this week, but all of us here are wanting to know that you and your boys/baby are hanging in there. HUGS!
Also, 25years, I need some advice from you and I think what I should do is find your thread and address you there? I'm still learning my way around these boards.

I'll find your thread soon.

[25yearsmlc]

Another workshop, one for individuals (which benefits couples & eliminates the child care issue) is called Essential Experience (aka "EE"). It's in Philadelphia and it was probably the single most profound learning experience I've ever had. I did not attend it to work on my marriage at the time. It was work balance and unresolved childhood stuff that affected me in my adult life.

I'm intrigued. The EE website definitely speaks to several parts of my life. I can see it helping me work through my current separation and eventual D (assuming i dont DB is). It would also help with some work/career stuff.

Essential Experience has a website to check out. Just as a reminder, it is a workshop in Philly. (I say that b/c I think there is an unrelated book with a similar name).

I figured out that EE was over 50 hours of T, for a good price. Plus you leave with a plan to implement the changes you want, as opposed to just "feeling really good!".

Btw, T0, I went to EE when I was pregnant with D1.


A big EE lesson was that when we make small incremental changes in the trajectory of our lives,

over time, we end up in a very different place.

Second, when we believe in our heart of hearts that we are lovable good people and we affirm our boundaries lovingly, (which the workshop helps us realize more fully)

we can receive well meant feedback a lot better..and express it better.

If a relationship is permanently irreparably toxic, we see it sooner. We leave it sooner.

If we have work to do in our own sandbox, and we do it, we make all our r's better.

it's just a natural byproduct of that work.

Good luck

[Vanilla]

I too have done the EE course, I travelled from the UK to do so, last November. It's a remarkable course although long days if you are pregnant.

I may at some stage go back and help when all this is behind me.

For me the EE lesson was learning boundaries and self worth, discovering that who I thought I was is different to the who I am.

V

[T384]

25,

I didn't mean he refused counseling I mean he refuses to go together but is willing to go alone. This is the same situation as first BD. First BD when he left and moved out unannounced he agreed to go to counseling alone to see if he could figure out why he felt the way he did. This is the exact same script. So I am hesitant/anxious for him to go because last time the counselor helped him feel justified in his decision to leave. Now this is a different counselor but I still am very nervous for it to add gasoline to the fire -- if that makes sense?

Also, I wouldn't think you're defending my H or what have you. I'm here for help and to save my M
So if I'm doing something wrong or something that is directly causing a negative response I need to fix that and stop doing it. I'm trying to 'do what works' and right now that seems to be nothing. Nothing I do or don't do bring me home closer to me or shows any positive change.

[KevinIn]

Thanks for the thoughts on EE.

[25yearsmlc]

I too have done the EE course, I travelled from the UK to do so, last November. It's a remarkable course although long days if you are pregnant.

(Yes, the pregnant part was harder, but I was in my mid trimester.)

T0, I'm not suggesting EE in the next few months!

Maybe Retrovaille, but again, that's for couples, whereas while EE can benefit the couple, it's for individuals. You don't need your h to attend with you.

(GLAD to hear you had a good experience Vanilla. You're the 5th one I know of to go.)

I may at some stage go back and help when all this is behind me.

Going back is like a refresher course that helps others too. Might help you get this behind you??


For me the EE lesson was learning boundaries and self worth, discovering that who I thought I was is different to the who I am.

V

Indeed... it was literally the first time I felt free to set goals for myself that did not involve the opinions of others, or what I "should" do,

but choosing activities and people that brought me joy & love into my life,

and feeling totally at peace with that.

Can't think of a better way to spend money (but it's not very expensive for a 4 day workshop, imo.)


Will address you more directly T0, soon. Hang in there. This too, shall pass.

You will feel better and you will be happy again. You will laugh again, you will feel loved and valued, again.

[KevinIn]

i've read through the EE website and i'm pretty sure i'm going to plan on attending the next one. Thanks 25 and Vanilla for talking about this.

For everyone's reference, here's the 2017 dates:
July 13-16, 2017
November 9-12, 2017

[T384]

I just feel like it's really over and I'm prolonging the inevitable. He is done but doesn't want to be the bad guy. The only reason he's staying is for financial purposes. It is so hard to live in a house where we don't talk. He doesn't acknowledge me unless I say something g to him first and then it's just short answers.

Our sons birthday is Friday... I don't want to do this anymore. I just want everything to be okay. I want him to miss me. I want him to just try and make an effort. Show me something. Some glimmer of hope. I just keep thinking this can't be real.

[25yearsmlc]

I just feel like it's really over and I'm prolonging the inevitable. He is done but doesn't want to be the bad guy. The only reason he's staying is for financial purposes. It is so hard to live in a house where we don't talk. He doesn't acknowledge me unless I say something g to him first and then it's just short answers.

Our sons birthday is Friday... I don't want to do this anymore. I just want everything to be okay. I want him to miss me. I want him to just try and make an effort. Show me something. Some glimmer of hope. I just keep thinking this can't be real.

You're spinning T0. Get off the merry go round.

I don't know another way to say that you do NOT have to do or say or fix anything,


today.

Regardless of why you seem to want it to BE DONE (and the mind reading that goes into this), and the rush to decide it now, and kick him out,

AND OR to Have him openly declare that he wants to leave a pregnant wife,

it does not seem to be in your interests.

I'm sorry but I don't get it.

[KevinIn]

I just feel like it's really over and I'm prolonging the inevitable. He is done but doesn't want to be the bad guy. The only reason he's staying is for financial purposes. It is so hard to live in a house where we don't talk. He doesn't acknowledge me unless I say something g to him first and then it's just short answers.

Our sons birthday is Friday... I don't want to do this anymore. I just want everything to be okay. I want him to miss me. I want him to just try and make an effort. Show me something. Some glimmer of hope. I just keep thinking this can't be real.

This was me 6 weeks ago with my wife. I wanted something to change. I was also spinning. 25 is right that you need to press him to make a decision.

For good or bad, she finally said she wants to formally separate to start the divorce process. It hurt for several days, but not living in limbo about my future helped me move forward and get to a better place.