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BluWave #2735112 03/20/17 11:42 AM
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Blu-

He isn't around much anymore during the week to be helpful. For me it's pure principle. If he is cheating he cannot live in the house. I feel letting him stay is cake eating. I can let it be for a couple weeks but I can't live in this environment for a couple months. That is my deal. I know DB is for ourselves but if he continues on much longer I will not be able to forgive him just for my own personal sake and the sake of my boys. It will show that this is a character flaw.

I thought the C would help me more but it made it worse. He basically just wants to see H to get clarity on if he's done or not. He said if he's done he's going to need to tell me and move out. I said well he's already told me that so then what's the point. He said well people speak out of anger to their spouse but may not feel that way. He said he has already checked out of the marriage but all the acts so we are not married right now so what does it matter if he leaves it's just physical presence. He is not there in any other way. I don't know I guess I just wanted him to advocate for our M. I asked him if he would be supportive of encouraging H to discuss his feelings and that feelings can change versus just saying okay you're done then you need to tell her now and both move on. I just told him that's not what I want.

I'm going to have clear answers about if there's OW within the next week. I'm going to figure it out on my own because that's what I need. I know everyone can advise against it but I have to know because then my decision will be made. In the meantime I'm backed off. No discussion about anything and I will quietly do my due diligence. C Wanted me to tell him we talked. He just seemed like he has thrown in the towel. He said this is so much worse than last time.

Just praying for guidance and the ability to be quiet. I want so badly to ask him if he considers himself single. If he's running around town like a free man. I know not to ask these things obviously but it's eating away at me while I'm pregnant and not attractive. It makes me sick to think of him sharing his life with someone else. Sharing intimate details of our life. I just know he did all those things last time so why would this time be any different.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
BluWave #2735113 03/20/17 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted By: BluWave
TO, I think you are still spinning and I am afraid this C is not helping with that; sounds like he thinks his job so to predict. I am sorry, but I really don't think any of us can do that. I

am sure that when this happened the first time you thought it was over too. You said yourself he changed overnight; he could just as easily change back. Does your C think that kicking him out will snap him out of it?

We don't DB for others, we DB for ourselves, and by finding ourselves, we also increase the odds we will attract them back down the road.

Either way I think we are all telling you to do the same thing and that is to let this go for right now and try to find some relief from the stress. Can you just pay him no mind and go about your days for the next couple months? Here is why. Let's just say your C is correct, he is 100% checked out and he isn't coming around to work on the M any time soon. How does it behoove you and the children to have him leave right now? Do you have enough help with your busy schedule & the kids? What are your goals in doing this, and are they for you or to have an affect on him?

Blu


What she said^^^^...

((( T0 )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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im not making the appointment as I said before unless he asks again. He said last night he wanted to go but he is so deceptive right now I don't trust a thing he says/does.

I have to remove myself from this train wreck. My mind is literally racing. I'm putting on a happy face for the boys and we went to the park after school now they're getting ready for soccer.

I work the next two days so I will probably stay at my moms. I usually get out of work late and by the time I get home the boys are sleeping so no point in coming home.

I noticed H is keeping his laundry separate. Doing his own laundry and not combining it with ours. He just is piling it up in the garage. He is just separating himself in every way possible. Each day is just getting worse and worse. I know my anxiety is to just make him leave so that I can prepare for when it's happening instead of being blind sided like I know he will do again.

I'm sick to my stomach about him being with someone else. I just wish this would stop. I feel like such a loser for going on about this. It's been 2 weeks today.

Why can't my heart let this pain stop? I am so sad for what my life is going to be. I am so sad to not see my boys everyday and to not have them with me every holiday. I am sad for this baby that he will not grow up in the same family unit as my boys. I am sad looking at happy families everywhere and knowing I dont have that. I am sad of hearing everyone tell me it's over. I guess I know deep down it's true but I'm fighting hearing it because it's not what I want. But what I want doesn't matter. I hope this act of not caring around him will get easier. Everything. I'm doing in front of him is purely an act. Pretending everything is fine. That I'm happy. The only time I'm not acting is when I'm with my. It's. I am so thankful for them. I feel I have failed them as a parent. I promised them I wouldn't hurt them again and that when H came back we would never go through that again. I feel like a failure. I'm bringing another innocent life in the world to be hurt also. I'm bringing an innocent life in the world that won't get the same experience growing up my boys did. What is so wrong with me that he can look at me and want to give up that he can look at me and think I would rather live my life without you. I feel so low about myself. I know I'm not perfect but I would do anything for him. My grandma said he is a good man that has been best down by me or our life. She has been talking g with him and is siding with him that he deserves to be happy without me. I don't get it. I feel like this has to be a bad dream.

I'm sorry for this pity post. I'm just very lost. I don't want to do any of this anymore. I don't want to do anything really.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2735139 03/20/17 01:40 PM
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My friend has been through an up and down marriage, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I told him that was actually a dream marriage because best case scenario they are up and down, these days many don't work even that well and are down and then over before they can go back up. But the point is I shared with him something about divorce. Not that he's considering it, but just preemptively should he dream about another life that doesn't have such adversity. I told him that to me getting divorced to avoid dealing with an unbearable situation is like trying to kill yourself by jumping off a building, only to wake up in a hospital and find out you survived but are now paralyzed from the waist down and you have to manage chronic pain for the rest of your life as well. When someone's in that type of pain you think anything would be better, but that's only because they haven't experienced worse. Divorce is worse in my opinion.

I can't read your WAH's mind so I don't know where he's at, but I can imagine some things that are different from him being 'done'. I can imagine a guy who, like you, just doesn't want to deal with this anymore. A guy who, like you, doesn't want to be divorced, but is fed up with the constant struggle that is marriage. A guy who, like you, is hoping his spouse would be the one to magically change so he felt better. And this whole "I'm packing my bags now", and "I'm separating my laundry" now is just one stupid game of chicken where both people are charging towards a destructive impact with neither one wanting it but both people beyond their ability to cope and with both people feeling like they are totally powerless to change because they are waiting for a miracle from the other side.

This isn't an excuse for his behavior, nor is this advice of any kind. I'm not here to tell you where you draw your boundaries or anything like that. You've already heard my advice which seems to match everyone else's about slowing down and absolutely letting this whole internal debate go a bit while you take care of yourself and find some inner peace. And you're making it clear this is too difficult for you to do right now, and I am not judging that, you're in a spot I can't even comprehend. I'm just sorry it's more difficult than you are up to, although part of me wonders if you'd find the strength to do so if you could truly see the depth of the loss that is lurking ahead.

What's sad about the game of chicken is that even when neither person really wants divorce if neither person turns aside from the crash course that is the result. Pride and principles don't stop the loss from causing permanent damage. I'm not talking about you here. I look back at my failed marriage and realize this is what happened to me. I never thought XW would've asked for a divorce, I just didn't know how to make things better and it seemed to me at the time she was the problem. I guess I thought she'd realize she had to make some changes on her end for things to get better and I allowed things to go too far without looking in the mirror, and when I finally did it was too late. She won the game of chicken and now me, her, and my family are all paying for it.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2735143 03/20/17 02:18 PM
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I am willing to look in the mirror and I have but it takes two. I can't make changes when someone doesn't want to be receiving of them.

I know what I need to change but he doesn't want that now. He has said so himself.

I've been through so much and I've fought so hard. I'm tired of fighting alone every time things get tough. My dad has already. Told me if I take him back after this he's moving out. I'm in a very terrible place.

I've spent soccer practice reading my post R threads. He never said he was done during those. He behaved similarly but not as long as this and still slept in the room and kissed me and told me he loved me. He hasn't done that in 2 weeks.

I don't want a divorce. I know I've said that over and over. The pain will be terrible for everyone. I know that. He's making these choices not clearly thinking of the consequences and what life will be like because he just wants a quick fix.

As a man and based on what you know what do you think, Zues?

He's never separated his laundry from the rest of ours. He's distancing himself further and further. How can he see this isn't hopeless. How can he see there are things here worth coming home to? I know I have to take advantage of the time he is still in the house as hard as it may be for me.

I know everyone wants me to just stop. But I am living outside of this world. This is my place where I jot everything in my mind down as a place to think whether people want to read it or not. It helps me to get it out instead of talking to others in my life or reaching out to H.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2735151 03/20/17 02:42 PM
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Try not to read too much into what he's doing. Things can change and you saw that previously.

Also, just focus on today. Looking ahead can feel overwhelming.

Remember - me, baby, boys, coping skills, not making things worse...

I found Guy Winch's talk on emotional first aid useful too..

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2735164 03/20/17 04:19 PM
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T0

you have to get off the merry go round. Seriously, SLOW DOWN girlfriend!

You don't need your dad telling you that you have to file for a divorce or b/c your h is "going to do X" - and you don't need your uncle and mom telling you to leave him alone like this is all on you...

you need to just be here now, for yourself and your baby and your boys.

I understand the ache and the crazy making internal movies we create...I do.

But you must understand that some of this pain is self inflicted at the moment.

You are doing a whole lot of "trouble borrowing" and it's not great timing for anyone. Please know that you're Not helping yourself or your cause or him or your boys.

Back off for a day...a week? Maybe then yes, a month.

Can you just have the dang baby and Table things just for now. ?

I am not clear on why that seems impossible.

Can you help me understand?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Sotto #2735165 03/20/17 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sotto
Try not to read too much into what he's doing. Things can change and you saw that previously.

Also, just focus on today. Looking ahead can feel overwhelming.

Remember - me, baby, boys, coping skills, not making things worse...

I found Guy Winch's talk on emotional first aid useful too..

Xx


I really like the^^ title...

"emotional first aid", T0...

please tend to yourself and your baby & boys. You will feel better


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
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T384 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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I am having a hard time just 'being' because I feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. He's done and I'm just waiting for him to leave or for OW to pop up.

I've left him be. The craziness is typed here. I haven't said a word to him today. He came home on time tonight but didn't even acknowledge me and I didn't go out of my way to acknowledge him either.

I just wanna know where we're going... I'm so sick of hearing it's over and done. I'm sick of coming home and feeling like I don't exist. I'm sick of walking around with a huge elephant in the room that we are both ignoring.

Last time he still kissed me and told me he loved me. It's been 2 weeks tonight since he's said it or shown me anything.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2735175 03/20/17 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
I am willing to look in the mirror and I have but it takes two. I can't make changes when someone doesn't want to be receiving of them.

I know what I need to change but he doesn't want that now. He has said so himself.

I've been through so much and I've fought so hard. I'm tired of fighting alone every time things get tough. My dad has already. Told me if I take him back after this he's moving out. I'm in a very terrible place.

I've spent soccer practice reading my post R threads. He never said he was done during those. He behaved similarly but not as long as this and still slept in the room and kissed me and told me he loved me. He hasn't done that in 2 weeks.

I don't want a divorce. I know I've said that over and over. The pain will be terrible for everyone. I know that. He's making these choices not clearly thinking of the consequences and what life will be like because he just wants a quick fix.

As a man and based on what you know what do you think, Zues?

He's never separated his laundry from the rest of ours. He's distancing himself further and further. How can he see this isn't hopeless. How can he see there are things here worth coming home to? I know I have to take advantage of the time he is still in the house as hard as it may be for me.

I know everyone wants me to just stop. But I am living outside of this world. This is my place where I jot everything in my mind down as a place to think whether people want to read it or not. It helps me to get it out instead of talking to others in my life or reaching out to H.



We get that this is your place to get it all out T0. We will never stop you from doing that. We'd all prefer to see you get it all out here and let it stay here, so once you log off and resume your day you can let it go and just take care of yourself.

I understand a marriage takes two and you can't change him. You don't have to, that's not your job. And it's not your job right now to worry about what changes you need to make for him. The only thing you need to do is avoid putting pressure on the situation to try to resolve it one way or the other or force clarity in this limbo. I really like what the other posters have said about meditating on how you will be totally fine whatever happens. The more you meditate on that and believe it, the less the uncertainty of the future will matter, the less what WAH does will matter.

And it is true. You can get through this. I wish you didn't have to. But you will. And RIGHT THERE is where I stop. I don't know if he'll change or not, or if he'll regret it, or if he's cheating, or if he's going to file or not, or what he meant when he bought a new pair of shoes, or where you'll be in three months, but I do know that you can get through it all, and that if you focus on just that for now you'll feel better today, tomorrow, and this type of damage control and detachment and self care is also the best thing you can do for your family.

My IC always told me people aren't afraid of events that might happen in the future, they're afraid of the feelings they'll feel if those events happen. That fear comes from believing we won't be able to handle something that might happen. But nothing can be any HARDER than this is right now. If you can find some peace today, right now, then you'll also know that you can get through literally anything. It's truly a win win. Spend some quiet time with your soon-to-be-baby and hang in there T0!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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