Here again 2

[BluWave]

I'm surprised and confused--not only by his actions but that you were comfortable with that.

Not even sure what to say.

Keep us posted, we are here for you, no matter what happen!

Blu

[T384]

25 -

I'm not quite sure what you're asking... sorry if I'm a little slow lol

I don't expect him to beg or plead. Nor do I want that. I just want understanding and communication. I don't want him to let things fester I want him to communicate. And if I do something that upsets him then just tell me instead of withdrawing. Things aren't better. He hasn't said he wants to try. He hasn't really said anything to be honest. But I'm not asking him too... he did say he doesn't feel trusted because of me asking/thinking he had been with someone else. I just said that his behavior warrants that question and I would hope he could look at it from another point of view besides his own. He said he would never ask me that - my reply was that I've never given you reason to. I didn't get into it beyond that.

Are you saying I shouldn't sleep with him?

I feel like I'm in a weird position. Not initiating R talks obviously is better. But me not initiating anything also wasn't working. I've found me being normal and acting like nothing is wrong has paid off more. He slept in the room Friday for the first time in over 2 weeks.

I am lost. Not sure if what I'm doing is wrong.

My response to him was just that I thanked him when he did things for
Me yesterday. This morning he had my drink made and waiting in the truck and dropped me off and picked me up so I didn't have to walk through the huge parking lot. Again- not saying this means anything but it's better than where it was a couple weeks ago. I'm just acting normal but not kissing him or initiating any physical touch. In the car I made a little conversation but he was quiet so I just stopped trying to talk.

[Sotto]

Hi TO, so it does sound as though you drawing back a little may have prompted him to come forward a little - pursuit and distance. I understand that you hope to save your marriage, however I would encourage you to balance that by thinking about your own boundaries and what is okay for you.

I think agreeing to ML with him when he's been saying he is out of the M etc probably isn't a great idea. Add on to this the behaviours that could point to some inappropriate contact etc - and you could start to put your own health at risk if there is OW in the mix.

For me, there was OW in the mix and I didn't realise the A was ongoing and XH and I were still intimate. I went through the whole STD testing thing and luckily the tests were clear...but it wasn't the nicest experience and it did take me a while to build up to it.

So, I guess for me, I'd encourage you to have a think about those two questions again:

Does this work for me?
What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation.

I'm pleased if he seems to be rethinking things a little bit, but I would stay pretty cool and cautious if I were you. I don't believe this is a time to throw caution to the wind or bend yourself all out of shape in your hope to restore the marriage.

At the end of the day, we may or may not be sleeping with our spouse, but we'll certainly be sleeping with ourselves and that relationship (ie: with ourselves) is the most important one here. It's important to remember that..

x

[25yearsmlc]

25 -

I'm not quite sure what you're asking... sorry if I'm a little slow lol

I don't expect him to beg or plead. Nor do I want that

I know you don't want that.

. I just want understanding and communication. I don't want him to let things fester I want him to communicate. And if I do something that upsets him then just tell me instead of withdrawing. Things aren't better. He hasn't said he wants to try. He hasn't really said anything to be honest. But I'm not asking him too... he did say he doesn't feel trusted because of me asking/thinking he had been with someone else. I just said that his behavior warrants that question and I would hope he could look at it from another point of view besides his own. He said he would never ask me that - my reply was that I've never given you reason to. I didn't get into it beyond that.

Are you saying I shouldn't sleep with him?

No I'm NOT saying that. Some DBers will say not to, but I'm not of that mindset.
I can't think of a WAS returning to the great sex they were not having...

Other than asking about STD issues when needed (a super fun conversation ) the lovemaking is an intensely personal issue that no one, including me, can dictate to you.

My DB coach said its a personal choice and more about how you feel, afterwards. Did you feel closer, or did it benefit you,

or do you feel worse?

I feel like I'm in a weird position. Not initiating R talks obviously is better. But me not initiating anything also wasn't working. I've found me being normal and acting like nothing is wrong has paid off more. He slept in the room Friday for the first time in over 2 weeks.

I am lost. Not sure if what I'm doing is wrong.

Honey, we go by doing what works. You just said being normal has "paid off more".

Your answer is there^^.

My response to him was just that I thanked him when he did things for
Me yesterday. This morning he had my drink made and waiting in the truck and dropped me off and picked me up so I didn't have to walk through the huge parking lot. Again- not saying this means anything but it's better than where it was a couple weeks ago. I'm just acting normal but not kissing him or initiating any physical touch. In the car I made a little conversation but he was quiet so I just stopped trying to talk.

There are people on this site who'd love to get these^^ gestures and words and ML from their spouses.

I know it's not all better. Of course it's not. But you are very pregnant and being in the present is a very worthy healthy goal.

Be here now.

[Vanilla]

ML is a personal choice. Like Sotto I took the risk until an OW called the Fishwife who has a baaaaaad reputation.

Then I stopped. The health risk was too great and the Giggalo denied everything.

Personally I think ML is connection and am generally in favour.

V

[leahsue]

Wow.
I am NOT going to hijack this thread because I already love TO and she could be my daughter. THAT SAID, I am very interested in the comments that her admission of ML brought out from everyone.
To TO, I'd say, go with your heart, but for God's sake, as a nurse, you are smart enough to know the dangers of unprotected ML, so first and foremost, protect yourself and your beautiful new baby boy.
For you vets here, I'm going to say, please come over to my thread and give me some serious advice about the upcoming weekend of first time together since December, and what I need to do about ML. I am going to very candid, and I always want honest, straight up advice. And as always, I thank God for this website, and that I found you guys in time to save myself, whether the marriage makes it or not.

[Train]

T0,

Still here reading, but haven't had anything to add. Just know I'm thinking of you!

[T384]

Hi train! Thanks for keeping up with me.

To everyone else, I'm not a stupid person. I would never put myself or my unborn child at risk if I thought there was a chance. It's easy to read over the internet but I do feel confident in my decision. Knock on wood obviously for pure chance but I do feel I made a safe decision. My H may be a lot of things but previous BD he would never sleep with me or touch me or look at me. Also, we haven't been intimate in over a month probably 6 weeks. I tried when this first started and he was not interested. I've always said he's like the girl where he can't ML when things aren't good but I'm more like a guy and could careless if we're fighting or not. Anyway, I'm not saying us being intimate and him kissing me means any or
Everything. He's still distant. Still not himself but I'm doing what works. And when this doesn't work then I will re evaluate. I feel like part of our problem was that we lost our connection with each other because we were so busy and we were like roommates the last couple weeks vs husband and wife so to me ML brings that back.

I'm still nervous about him referring to the C for everything but we haven't had an R discussion since Thursday when we talked about him asking me about the C. Last night he asked about C after we ML and asked if I made his appointment. I just said I hadn't but I would this week.

I can say this weekend I was the person only a fool would leave. Today especially. I had a great time with his great grandparents and carried on conversation with them that didn't need to include H. I caught him staring at me several times at dinner while I was laughing with them and he was more talkative on the way home so who knows. I may not be following all the rules but I'm tailoring them to my situation. If it starts going sour I'll switch it up. I know everyone says focus on the baby but to me this is focusing on the baby. Me being happy and feeling less anxious about the future allows me to do just that.

I'm going to see how tonight goes and decide if I'll reach out to him tomorrow since I won't be coming home tomorrow night. I'm not sure. I'm going to play it by ear and see what happens. If I don't hear from him i won't ask about his day but will probably text goodnight. If he initiates conversation I will probably ask about his day and cut the conversation short.

Anyway I have no idea where this leaves us. I have no idea his intentions but I'm ok with giving him time if he makes an effort and treats me like he did this weekend.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi train! Thanks for keeping up with me.

To everyone else, I'm not a stupid person. I would never put myself or my unborn child at risk if I thought there was a chance. It's easy to read over the internet but I do feel confident in my decision. Knock on wood obviously for pure chance but I do feel I made a safe decision.


T0, I read the past few pages again. I FEEL like everyone here is more or less saying to go with your heart. Partly b/c it's obvious you are not stupid and you care about your baby.

We know this IS a personal choice so, I guess my point is 2 fold.. First, not to worry about what WE think

and second, even though it should not matter, the way I read people's comments here is that we respect your choice.





My H may be a lot of things but previous BD he would never sleep with me or touch me or look at me. Also, we haven't been intimate in over a month probably 6 weeks. I tried when this first started and he was not interested. I've always said he's like the girl where he can't ML when things aren't good but I'm more like a guy and could careless if we're fighting or not. Anyway, I'm not saying us being intimate and him kissing me means any or
Everything. He's still distant. Still not himself but I'm doing what works.




And when this doesn't work then I will re evaluate.

YES^^^

I feel like part of our problem was that we lost our connection with each other because we were so busy and we were like roommates the last couple weeks vs husband and wife so to me ML brings that back.


There are good people who agree with this^^ and good people who don't.
You don't need our approval however.

YOU feel as you do and you handled the risk side of things. Moving on...



I'm still nervous about him referring to the C for everything but we haven't had an R discussion since Thursday when we talked about him asking me about the C. Last night he asked about C after we ML and asked if I made his appointment. I just said I hadn't but I would this week.

Don't break your promise. Besides, you know it makes no difference! He MAY want ways to reconnect, he MAY want ways to disconnect, he MAY want ways to figure out what the heck he wants.

Making/not making the appointment only prolongs your uncertainty and it costs more for him to make the appointment himself

And you like this C! That's not common.

I don't want to belabor the point. To sum up, part of this just sounds like you want to control the outcome, (well, it does seem like it, doesn't it?)

And to me, this^^ is not reasonable. And you are typically very reasonable.

Not making the appointment (it is through YOUR job) b/c

you fear IF HE goes to this C, somehow that will make him more likely to leave AND to feel better about leaving

I want you to really consider this^^ position.

As an outsider looking in, I think you are stalling to avoid something that;

1) may not happen at all; in which case he has other issues to work on and you are delaying that work;

and or

2) I see zero way how stalling the appointment helps your chances of improving the marriage, AND

3) you give him MORE reason to leave & justify it, by you not making the appointment, than you do by just making it.



I can say this weekend I was the person only a fool would leave. Today especially. I had a great time with his great grandparents and carried on conversation with them that didn't need to include H. I caught him staring at me several times at dinner while I was laughing with them and he was more talkative on the way home so who knows. I may not be following all the rules but I'm tailoring them to my situation. If it starts going sour I'll switch it up. I know everyone says focus on the baby but to me this is focusing on the baby. Me being happy and feeling less anxious about the future allows me to do just that.

what ^^YOU said!

I'm going to see how tonight goes and decide if I'll reach out to him tomorrow since I won't be coming home tomorrow night. I'm not sure. I'm going to play it by ear and see what happens.-

Never forget that a lot of people in your real life AND HERE IN THIS PLACE

are pulling so hard for you. I do feel as if you are a sister (b/c I refuse to accept that I'm older than you by more than 5 years, but that's my problem)

point is, we all want what is best for you and that baby. For now, that's pretty much all I care about

and having your h wake up and remember how he almost lost you for good,

is icing on the cake.

But the cake is YOU and your baby/boys.

Be at peace tonight T0. We are sending you our thoughts and prayers and lots of good stuff. Take this^^ in,

and please let it strengthen and comfort you.

((( )))

[SunnyB]

T, I don't usually browse in Newcomers anymore but a little birdie told me you were here and I came to find you. I'm heartbroken you are back, sweetie. I'm don't have any sage advice, just wanted to catch up with you. You are strong, and can weather whatever comes next.