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#2735177 - 03/20/17 05:51 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: Zues126]
T0324 Online
Member

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1218
Loc: Sunny Florida
Laying in bed with my youngest. H comes in to kiss him goodnight. Normally he would kiss me too. Instead I don't get acknowledged. I don't want to live this way. This is what makes me think it would be easier if he weren't here because I wouldn't be reminded of all the things he used to do.

It's so hard to be in a home where someone doesn't even notice you're there and to just act like nothing

I just want to ask him if this is really how he wants his life to be. I want to ask him if he misses talking to me everyday about what happens in our days
_________________________
M 29 H 31
S 4 and 7
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you

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#2735181 - 03/20/17 06:31 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: T0324]
Zues126 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/14
Posts: 2444
It would be easier...TODAY. But maybe today's difficulty isn't more important than the life ahead of you and your family.

I'm sure it would be easier on you TODAY if you weren't 8 months pregnant, but that doesn't mean you wish that your baby would disappear.

If you can nip the desire for an R talk in the bud, get it out here, and go back to enjoying your evening you're doing amazing.
_________________________
Me:37 XW:37
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S12, D9, D5
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15

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#2735193 - 03/20/17 08:16 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: Zues126]
T0324 Online
Member

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1218
Loc: Sunny Florida
Got it Zues

H asked me about counseling tonight. asked me what the C said. I just said he was shocked and disappointed. He asked if the C wanted to see him. I said not really. He said why not? I said well he said it sounds like there's not much to discuss. He got annoyed about that and said he's aggravated and maybe it could change his mind. I just said you're more then welcome to make an appointment if you want to go.

He said he doesn't know if he's happy. He sometimes misses talking to me but doesn't feel like in the last 2 weeks he's gotten any space. He said he feels like we're having some type of discussion about this every other day. I didn't really say much. Just said I wasn't happy and don't want to live this way either.

I asked him how his day was he talked to me about work and asked me how mine was. Then he helped me clean the boys room. I retreated to my room and that was it. He reminds me so much of when he first left. The look on his face is so angry and aggravated. I won't be home the next two days so we won't be speaking at all unless he chooses to reach out to me. I won't text him goodnight or anything
_________________________
M 29 H 31
S 4 and 7
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you

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#2735352 - 03/21/17 07:02 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: T0324]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 11599
Loc: west coast
have you thought about Retrovaille? Could it hurt?

I speak from experience when I say that it helps. Another workshop, one for individuals (which benefits couples & eliminates the child care issue) is called Essential Experience (aka "EE"). It's in Philadelphia and it was probably the single most profound learning experience I've ever had. I did not attend it to work on my marriage at the time. It was work balance and unresolved childhood stuff that affected me in my adult life.

For me, weekend retreats or workshops are far more efficient than weekly therapy, even when the T is good. Too fragmented for me to have to pick up my kids or return to work after a breakthrough, only to start over the next week.

Anyhow, there are some DBers who went to EE and all 4 said it was 'life changing" and I know that was true for me. H saw so much inner peace in me when I returned, that he himself went a few months later. Then we went back together and it was probably the closest I've ever felt to him. Retrovaille has helped a lot of couples too.

I feel as if you and your h are at an impasse, and are both hurt and angry.

Something has to give and even though maybe he "Should" be the one to move forward, he might not be. And in his narrative, he may be the wronged party.

I'm just spitballing here, but wanted to throw this out.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. Try not bringing up the R again, for a day.

Let some peace in.

((( )))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy or be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Our way out of hell

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#2735353 - 03/21/17 07:25 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
T0324 Online
Member

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1218
Loc: Sunny Florida
I know he is angry. He told me he is himself. And I am hurt and angry. More so hurt but there are days it turns into anger

I wouldn't mind doing something like that but H is not in a place to do anything together. He doesn't even want to go to counseling together. My counselor said he would like to see H if he's willing and he told
Me today if H doesn't come to counseling you will get a divorce. He said that if H tells him he's done he will explore why he's done but he won't try to change his mind. He will just explore into his reasoning behind being done.

I logged into H snap chat today the secret one I found last week. Nothing there. No friends on his list that I don't know and it looks like he hasn't been logged in for a few months.

I didn't go home tonight. First time I haven't textd or spoke with ah for an entire day. He sent me a message a little bit ago asking me to check an account for the boys lunch money. I waited an hour and a half and replied that they were low on funds. He asked me to put money in. I waited awhile and then just sent an okay. He replied thank you, goodnight. I haven't replied yet.

I'm so used to him calling me on his way home from work when I work and then I get texts with emojis and I love you and I miss you. Just got them the beginning of march. It's so strange how quickly things and feelings can change.

Part of me thinks H is mad and see this as the only way to feel better. I am working on just doing my own thing. I am committing my self to leaving it be. Unless I find out about OW.

Saturday we have soccer in the morning then I'm taking the boys alone to do something. Well I will tell H and he can choose to come or not. Sunday his grandparents are coming in town to visit so I will go with him and the boys if I'm invited and put on a happy face.

I just wish he would commit to trying. Just to try and make it work. I'm hoping when he sees our baby boy in the hospital something will click. He always was so giddy and happy when our boys were born. I know there's the possibility it won't happen too.
_________________________
M 29 H 31
S 4 and 7
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you

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#2735354 - 03/21/17 07:26 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: T0324]
T0324 Online
Member

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1218
Loc: Sunny Florida
And 25 what do you think is the something that has to give?
_________________________
M 29 H 31
S 4 and 7
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you

Top
#2735355 - 03/21/17 07:28 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
leahsue Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/17
Posts: 65
Loc: Alabama
Hi TO, I've been thinking about you today and hoping it's been a good day. Check in here when you have a second. I know you're covered up this week, but all of us here are wanting to know that you and your boys/baby are hanging in there. HUGS!
Also, 25years, I need some advice from you and I think what I should do is find your thread and address you there? I'm still learning my way around these boards.
_________________________
M-58 H-49
M-13 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17


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#2735356 - 03/21/17 07:31 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: leahsue]
leahsue Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/17
Posts: 65
Loc: Alabama
Oops I think we were posting at the same time. Glad you made it OK today. Get some rest!
_________________________
M-58 H-49
M-13 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17


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#2735357 - 03/21/17 07:32 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
KevinIn Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/17
Posts: 256
Loc: Washington DC
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Another workshop, one for individuals (which benefits couples & eliminates the child care issue) is called Essential Experience (aka "EE"). It's in Philadelphia and it was probably the single most profound learning experience I've ever had. I did not attend it to work on my marriage at the time. It was work balance and unresolved childhood stuff that affected me in my adult life.


I'm intrigued. The EE website definitely speaks to several parts of my life. I can see it helping me work through my current separation and eventual D (assuming i dont DB is). It would also help with some work/career stuff.
_________________________
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process

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#2735365 - 03/21/17 10:10 PM Re: Here again 2 [Re: T0324]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 11599
Loc: west coast
T0

Your h asked why the IC did not want to see him, and you paraphrased that the IC said he was "shocked and disappointed", (in your h, obviously) etc.

What did you expect your h to say to that?

Now you're saying your h "won't go to counseling". That's not exactly accurate.

To be clear, I don't want to be in a position where I seem to be defending your h.

But to be fair, you are painting a negative image every time there is the least ambiguity. And due to the impasse between you, there is a LOT of ambiguity.

I'll reply more later.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy or be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Our way out of hell

Top
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