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Cadence - I can relate to how you're feeling. Part of us wants to protect our WAS even though they have gutted us.

Its so confusing to have such conflicting emotions. It truly is a roller coaster, a roller coaster I want off of.

Your story really resonates with me because of how fast your sitch evolved. 2 weeks ago, W and I were buying a nice house in the country and planning our wedding. Now she avoids looking at me when we are in house together. It's like she's a completely different person. How do they switch so fast?

I'm glad you got out with friends last night and enjoyed yourself. Continue to nourish yourself with friends and family.

Thinking about you today, hang in there.

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Originally Posted By: Thornton

Your story really resonates with me because of how fast your sitch evolved. 2 weeks ago, W and I were buying a nice house in the country and planning our wedding. Now she avoids looking at me when we are in house together. It's like she's a completely different person. How do they switch so fast?


Thornton, I was just in your thread thinking the same thing. My ex is also once divorced, and has also bounced back and forth with me one time prior to this. He came back, full of apologies about how he loved me the whole time, had taken me for granted, and never wanted to be without me again. And that sounded like music to my ears. And what I know now is it wasn't nearly enough. He fixed the symptoms, but not the root cause.

He is someone who looks externally to explain inner unhappiness. As lovely as it is to be viewed as a fix and an ability to make someone happy, it doesn't allow me to be a human with wants and needs that don't perfectly align with his. With that perspective, this was always going to happen, because he didn't address what is going on inside of him.

Prior to DB, I asked him if he noticed he was doing the same thing he did three years ago, and that the outcome would be the same this time. And, of course, that went nowhere. Just before I left, but after I'd instituted the 180, I did backtrack one time and quickly told him that I was so incredibly frustrated that I'd asked him time and time again to go address the pain he's experienced in his life in counseling, but he wouldn't do it. I said I felt like he allowed it to destroy us. Our very real happiness together was a sacrifice to the dysfunction to which he is still loyal. And then I dropped it.

I was also the villain. Part of it is needing a justification for taking the incredibly bizarre and over-reactive actions they are taking. It does hurt to know that the people he is close to have heard about me, and how unhappy he was the whole time and he just didn't recognize it. Because I know him. I know he wasn't unhappy, and it makes me look like a fool.

But ultimately those people don't matter to me. Anyone worth their salt is going to know that buying a house and wanting out less than a year later doesn't make sense.

Also, he's standing up for himself against me. He's protecting himself from someone he sees as wanting to smother him. That's his perception, but it's not reality.

Making me into the villain also means he doesn't have to feel anything for me. If he let himself remember, he'd have to question his choices, and we can't have that.

(I know I focused on my ex in this post, and there are things that I could have done better, and could do better with. I'm quietly trying to address those, or have a plan to begin addressing them, as my life settles down a bit. I'm between residences right now, so I'm allowing a little self-indulgence and will start the hard work once I'm actually settled in.)

Thornton, focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Detach and act distracted. Go watch those movies in the theater. Be away from home as much as possible, and, if you can, take a weekend away without telling her. Give her what she says she wants - a life without you, with you moving on and not showing her any inconvenient feelings for her.

But also think about whether she seems capable of the relationship that she says she wants. I know that my guy is not as he is, and that he'd have to put some hard work in addressing some things about his past. It's not going to happen in the short term, as much as I wish it would. Him wanting closeness and him being able to cope with closeness are two different things, unfortunately.

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Hey friend,
Sorry you're having such a tough day. Sometimes they just come in waves, without an obvious trigger.
If you're bored and need a distraction, go see Going in Style. A girlfriend and I went last night and I laughed so hard. It's a feel-good movie too.
If that fails, crash an egg hunt and slip some chocolate out of Easter baskets when the little ones are fighting over eggs.
Hang in there. We are going to heal.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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So, I got the proposed contract from my lawyer. It is pretty harsh, with me gaining 50% of any equity after the mortgage/fees are paid off.

This reflects the deed, but does not reflect that he put money down and I didn't (but I made payments).

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to send this to him to wake him up out of his magical thinking that there are no repercussions for his choices. Part of me still loves him and wants to protect him from pain, until I remember that he doesn't feel the same drive toward me. And part of me does not want to give him more ammunition about why leaving me out of the blue was justified.

Also, I incurred some very real financial costs due to his unilateral decision to end things. I really don't want to be fully self-sacrificial here.

What do I do? I was hoping I could send this to him and then we could negotiate, but I can't tell him that.

Veterans? Anyone? Bueller?

Help.

(I've not ruled out reconciliation, though I recognize it would be a long road with lots of work on his part - and mine - so I don't feel like that would happen in the near future. But I'd like to not destroy the possibility for it.)

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Cadence

By looking after yourself financially you are respecting yourself. No matter what.

Treat this as a numbers unemotional calculation. What gives the best result?

Work several scenarios on a spreadsheet. Then allocate a likihood of success.

Ask for more than that and compensation.

Know your bottom line.

If that is too tough to do ask an accountant or planner to help you.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I agree with Vanilla. Look out for yourself. You can always change your mind later if you feel that you were unfair but you cannot get back what you give away.

He did make this decision unilaterally and should not be enabled. Our decisions come with real consequences. That was his. Sometimes people have to learn consequences or they just keep doing the same thing over and over.

Hope your doing ok!


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Journaling

Continuing to GAL. I'm solidifying some friendships at work and getting out and socializing. This morning I went to a spin class, my first one ever. I managed to convince a coworker to come with me, since I was really nervous. And good thing, too. There were all sorts of bike adjustments and things I didn't know. I didn't push myself too hard, since I just wanted to get through the class, and I am proud to say that I did it. I'll be doing more of those; it was fun.

It's been a tough week of lawyers and communication. Apparently H is beginning to realize that he's in trouble financially unless he gets me to compromise, as the law is on my side. I'm willing to compromise, but he doesn't know that. I really needed him to experience a dose of reality about what his choices mean, because I felt like he thought there was a magical "undo" button.

After asking me to meet him twice to sign his BS contract, I sent him my attorney's version via email. He replied saying he would review it with his lawyer but wanted to know why I felt it was an equitable division and if I could let him in on my thought process.

Um, no. That's not how that works. You don't get to leave the partnership and then be privy to my thoughts. I think he may have been trying to get me to put something incriminating in writing, and I don't know what that would be, but still.

Though I am happy that I have the clear advantage here, it also feels awful. If I could choose between coming into money, or living the life I chose with the man I chose in the house that I chose, I'd go for the latter in a heartbeat. Instead, I feel like I'm burning more and more bridges by standing up for myself and not helping him do what he needs to cut and run and experience no consequences.

I'm worried this makes it easier for him to dislike me. Not that he could dislike me more, as somehow I am the embodiment of all that is wrong with the world (he can't not think that without his whole plan falling apart), but it is still really hard.

I don't really know how to DB while also negotiating financial stuff, as it seems at odds with what I'm supposed to be doing - validating, being a friend. When I have to respond, I'm friendLY in my messages and I keep them brief.

I'm doing my best to heal and imagine a happy life without him. It takes a great deal for me to really let my guard down with someone and I felt like I'd done that, so it hurts. I heard an old song on the radio that we'd adapted into a silly song that was an inside joke between the two of us. We'd belt it out and make one another laugh.

Also, driving home last night, I was on a route I don't usually take. I had to drive under an overpass that led to my old neighborhood. I passed by a wind turbine that I used to be able to see the tippy-top of when I would sit in bed with a cup of coffee on the weekends. That led to a crying fit. I miss him. I miss my house. I miss the life I had.

Mostly, I'm doing okay. I'm trying not to be strong every day and be open to life as it comes. I still have my moments, though.

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Hi Cadence,
I'm glad you checked in. I've been thinking about you and wondering how things were going.
DB does get confusing when you're in certain stages of whatever, and you can't seem to fit your immediate sitch into a certain framework. I get confused too. I'm sure some of the wise vets can chime in to help you sort through the things you need to be doing, specific to you, right now.
I'm just here to cheer you on, because girlfriend, I surely don't have any answers!
I've really thought a lot about your response to me last week about how when H reaches out a little bit, I get frustrated b/c it's not what it used to be, and I've realized that since he HAS been reaching out, I've almost quit DBing, so that was a good wake up call to me.
He called me Thursday night almost in tears. His work plan had just blown up in his face at 3:30 that afternoon, with the company lawyers calling saying they were missing one piece of paperwork. Although he had tech movers coming in Friday morning to shut the office down (over 70 cubicles/stations), tag equipment, and prepare to move it all on Saturday, the go ahead had somehow gotten stalled on the temporary space they were moving to- so he was left at the 11th hour with shutting down, movers waiting, no place to move it all TO, and a bill of $60K tied up in moving. He got me at a time when I had had a really hard day also, and I just kind of blew the phone call. I had no words really of comfort, and I did not even THINK about validating. I just hung up and cried. Some of the crying selfishly, b/c although this was huge for his work, and so many people, not to mention he was dreading the humiliation of having given months to this project, and seeing it fail, all I could think about was how this was going to affect ME! Sad, but true, if I'm honest. All day yesterday, I kept wondering what was going on, but I knew better than try to call. So finally about 3 I texted and said, just send me a thumbs up or down of how it's going. He texted right back and had a whole row of thumbs down, and said the office is officially shut down, everything tagged to move, no turning back now, and no where to move to- I'm totally ****ed. I texted back and said- now wait, let's think about this for a second. There has to be a way out of this hot mess. Think WAY more outside the box than you probably already have.
At 4:08 (his time) he texted and said "I just got off the phone w the Pres of XXXX, who assured me the paper would be signed and delivered in time. I have 52 minutes for that to happen."
At 4:54, he texted and said, "It's a done deal, signed with 8 minutes to spare." I was happy for him, but also sad that I wasn't up there to share in what I'm sure was a huge popping of champagne bottles, etc. Oh well. I went on downtown to my appointment to serve dinner to the homeless. LOL. Life in the fast lane. Then I went to dinner and drinks with friends. He called while I was out but I didn't answer. When I got in about 11, he had texted this- "If you had not said to think outside the box today, I would not be standing here tonight in the new building. When you said that, I turned to my assistants and said, OK, we have to think outside the box. XX looked up the president's phone number, I put in a call to him, and now it's done. So I just wanted to say thank you."
Huh. He should not have let this little jewel slip out of his hands. I'm happy for him. But today I just feel like, OK, what now? Now you'll have time for your wife and marriage? Until the next "project" comes along? We'll see how this goes, but I already know I need to do some serious self-examination to know what I really want to see happen with our relationship. This single life gets easier and less lonely every single day. No kidding.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Cadence

Negotiating fairly on your fins is really great DB.

This can be

¤ A 180 if you have been a doormat before
¤ Shows self interest, self care and extraordinary self care
¤ secures your fin future
¤ shows you mean what you say, say what you mean
¤ is enormously detached
¤ just so sensible and becoming someone only a fool would leave

Truly like it

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Journaling

Hi friends. It's been a bit since I've written, so I thought I'd update.

I'm holding up okay. I'm still in negotiation phase with H about selling the house. I am thinking of turning communication over to my lawyer but haven't decided one way or another.

Negotiating is really difficult. I'm in a great position, but it's also somewhat unjustified, and I am so lost about what to do. I don't want to be seen as vindictive, but I'm also so hurt that he seems to want to walk away from buying a house with me as unscathed as possible. Like he thinks it wasn't a real commitment and wants to keep thinking that.

I'm getting ready for move #2 out of my temporary shoebox and into my apartment. It's in a building called "The Phoenix" and I'm hoping that inspires me to rise up and become an even better Cadence.

I will miss my little shoebox with all of the privacy. That's been really nice.

I still can't believe he's done this. I'm reading about MLC because I believe he's in one, but I have anxiety because we aren't in touch at all so I can't do any of the methods to make it "safe" for eventual return. And I know H is very afraid of rejection, so I'm trying to reconcile that this might be it, forever and ever.

I also wonder, if he's in MLC, if I'm just a mistress to him. I do believe that I was used as an ego boost, but only because he looks to women as validating him. We did have 5 years together, and I think we did get closer than he's been with anyone else.

And I think that emotional intimacy was part of what he rejected. He's got so much to work out that he doesn't even know about. He chooses people for his life that are damaged in some fashion, and therefore he can't get close to. That's the story of every woman he's dated/married except for me. It's the story of all the male friends he chooses, including the one that I think had a major hand in helping the destruction of our relationship along, so that he could have H to himself.

H's anger with me still hurts. I know why it was there, and I know it was completely irrational and driven by his need to distance himself from me, the force of his (perceived) oppression. If he let go of the anger, there was no justification for doing what he was doing.

I'm wondering about him and MLC. I've been searching for a situation like mine and I don't find any. All that I read are from nuclear families where the wives have to be in touch because of the kids, and it makes me incredibly anxious. We don't have kids together and there's no reason to stay in touch (aside from negotiations which aren't exactly an opportunity to be positive.)

He does have kids with his ex, and she's in pretty constant contact (and is a little too clingy, in my opinion. She seems to use the kids as a reason to remain inappropriately attached.) She likes to keep him focused on her and the kids and hurls guilt and shame when she notes he's distant. I really wonder what this means for me, and him getting through the tunnel.

I'm trying to find the balance of not denying my feelings and re-focusing them onto me. I'm doing a lot of thinking about him and his problems, and I need to think about me. What does it say about me that I chose him? I knew his ex was a nightmare and I knew he had some unresolved issues from childhood, but I liked him so much that I didn't think those things would impact us. (Now I know I was very naive.) Plus he was a good guy and he adored me.

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