Wading through. I think I'm dealing with a MLC.

[cadence]

Thanks guys. So what so I do?

Turn down his offer to meet? Anyone have some suggested wording?

[doodler]

cadence,

Just tell your H that anything pertaining to your divorce should be sent to your lawyer.

That's what I did. Everything went to my lawyer. That really took the pressure off of me and it was nice. I just had to show up for mediation.

[cadence]

doodler,

That could get expensive. To clarify, I am a non-married joint property owner.

I retained the lawyer after realizing I'd bought property with someone engaging in magical thinking/irrationality where he suddenly ended the relationship and escaped with nary a scrape while I continued to sacrifice myself for his interests.

I would like to use my lawyer to review documents. If I have ex communicate with my lawyer, won't that just run up my bills?

Suggestions with these circumstances in mind?

[doodler]

cadence,

I'd forgotten that you're not married. Yes, lawyers charge for every minute of their time, but my guess is that it won't cost a lot. Over the long term, routing everything through your lawyer may save you a lot of money and heartache.

[cadence]

I spoke to my lawyer, who said H's document was "amateur hour" and has him in control of every decision. Lawyer is preparing another agreement, based on the actual situation on planet earth (vs magical thinking land) and it will be ready early next week.

So I'm going to respond to H and say that I appreciate the offer to meet, but I am not confused by any of the terms. And that I will have something to send to him by the middle of next week.

Am I doing the right thing by turning him down? Prior to dropping the rope, I was always the one who would be positive when he was negative about our relationship, so this is a different direction for me.

Also, it's only been 2 weeks since I moved out and I'm still in the "eating my feelings" stage and don't feel great about myself. I'd rather see him after I'm back on track.

[leahsue]

My 2 cents- I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Staying calm and in control of yourself and your emotions, and staying firm in your boundaries of the financial outcome of this hot mess. Great job, Cadence. And I love the "eating my feelings" stage. I know I went stupid for about 2 weeks on Reese's easter eggs, but didn't really have a name for that stage. I love it.
PS- my counselor said it is FINE to eat 16 chocolate eggs in one sitting. Do what works. LOL.

[Cristy]

Hello Cadence,

It is going to sound like an echo around here.

There is no need to meet with him this weekend to go over his less than impressive "amateur hour" document. You are not confused at all so no need for clarification.

You are so smart to recognize that he could be wanting to meet to do a temperature check. Are you still open to reconciliation?

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[cadence]

Thanks everyone.

I turned him down. I wrote and said that I appreciated his offer to meet but said it wasn't necessary because I didn't find his document confusing. I said my lawyer was drafting a response and I anticipate having something to send early next week.

Boy, was that hard.

Before I met H, I used to do some online dating. I was sitting at work about an hour ago and my cell phone rang, and the caller was "Sean [Dating Site]". I answered it and it was a pocket dial of some sort because it was just muffled sounds. I do have a name at the beginning of the alphabet so I do get pocket dials sometimes.

I don't remember who he is so I texted and asked who it was and if he'd just called by accident. We got to chatting and we sent one another a few pictures to try to refresh our memories.

I still don't remember him but he looks cute. Unfortunately he moved to the other coast. He said he'll look me up if he's in the area.

I feel like that was a sign.

Cristy

Are you still open to reconciliation?

I think so but not with him like this. It's so hard because I was head over heels for him for 5 years, and then he changed and turned into this self-centered alien being.

If I could have the old him back, absolutely. If it's this version of him, then I could do without.

Leah

Staying calm and in control of yourself and your emotions, and staying firm in your boundaries of the financial outcome of this hot mess. Great job, Cadence.

Thanks, Leah. It's so hard. I don't want to cause suffering or hurt feelings, but at the same time he needs to realize what he's doing. He acts as if he can just undo everything and get all his money back, and that's just not how this works.

I also enjoy that I am the opposite of his exW and don't contact him if I can help it. And when I do, it is cordial, brief, and all business. (I do type out the emotional vents, but those stay firmly in my "draft" folder, with no recipient specified. Just in case.)

And I love the "eating my feelings" stage. I know I went stupid for about 2 weeks on Reese's easter eggs, but didn't really have a name for that stage.

I normally do low-carb (it works really well for me) and I am so off the wagon it's not even funny. Chips! Chocolate! Yes please.

But I could only bring a few clothes with me to my shoebox so I need to reign myself in so that everything still fits me And I do want to look good. I think this weekend I'll make the transition back to the wagon.

... After I finish my chocolate. Wouldn't want it going to waste, and all.

[leahsue]

You crack me up. DO NOT WASTE ANY CHOCOLATE OR CHIPS. The wagon can wait.

[cadence]

Journaling

I went out with some friends last night. I felt like the old me had returned. I was able just to be in the present with my friends and laugh, and I wasn't so focused on my sadness or disappointment with how my life has turned out. I didn't wonder what H was doing and I didn't wish he was there. I felt that I was enough on my own.

Today is a lovely sunny spring day, and I have a hard time with those. I was planning on keeping up the previous owner's veggie garden, and had harvested seeds in the fall in order to do so. So if all were well, I'd have been out in the yard today trying to figure it all out. But I don't get to do that, because I had to leave.

I feel like my life, particularly my living situation, is back to being reactive. One thing that I liked about the house was that we chose it together. We chose what we wanted rather than just reacting to what limitations we had on us.

I felt like my chosen life was just beginning, and I'd relaxed into it and - WHAMMO - it's gone.

Also, I am aggravated because I received a response from H today at around 9am. I'd sent my message around 4 yesterday. His was one sentence and very neutral about keeping an eye out for whatever I send to him.

Why? Why even respond? Perhaps it was ego-driven, since I'd turned down his offer to meet. Perhaps he is feeling a little conciliatory. Perhaps he's started to miss me.

I don't like feeling this way and wondering, because it takes me back in and it all starts to hurt again. It makes me wish I was meeting him... the old him, though. Not the angry closed off version.

But I also know it wouldn't make a difference at this point anyway. Missing me isn't going to be enough. He's got to understand that he's got some issues that aren't my fault and be committed to addressing them if he wants successful closeness with me (or anyone, but hopefully me.)

I keep reading about other women whose H's were in MLC and how they lived their lives as people pleasers and when they hit midlife they get so angry about how their life has been all about accommodating other people. That's him to a T.

After he said he wanted out, I even heard about how I "made him" do this and that, and how he didn't speak up and somehow it's all my fault for not being psychic and knowing how he really felt. He said he goes too far with women even when he's not happy and doesn't know how to have boundaries in relationships (and the counselor told him that being alone would not allow him to practice having them, but he didn't care.)

I never wanted to be with a doormat and, while I don't know for sure, I certainly didn't feel like he was being one with me. I know I'm the only woman in his life who encouraged him to be himself, and that it was okay to have boundaries and be angry sometimes. He spent his childhood, and some of his adult life, care-taking his needy mother. Then he married his ex and she filled that role.

And I didn't need nor want a caretaker, but I got one. And I didn't know it at the time. And he's reached a point where it's all too much so I've got 50 years of anger and resentment coming my way, even though I didn't do the crime so I shouldn't have to do the time.

So our life and the house got yanked away because it was the most recent commitment he'd made and he's so angry at accommodating women in a way that feels suffocating to him, even though I never wanted that from him.

It all hurts. I'm not looking forward to hitting him with legal documents. I still love him so I want to protect him and for him to be happy. But I also understand that my instincts in this time aren't trustworthy and I can't operate like I used to.

And maybe this is the wake up call he needs. He'll be getting documents with the worse case scenario for him. I don't know what I'll do and if I'll ultimately back down and make his exit not so tough on him. I have time to decide, I guess.

I don't know. I feel like I'm flying in darkness right now. I don't know what's right and wrong.

I also feel badly because his exW and him were able to use mediators to divorce, and here I am with an attorney. But he was never like this with her. He was rather submissive with her and strove for fairness. (Plus, she wanted the D.)

What we have is so much anger from him toward me. So much that I had to get out of the firing range, because it was making me so miserable and making me feel so excluded while I watched him with his kids. I felt like Emotional Quasimodo and I had to put myself first and get out of his way. I doubt he'll see that though; maybe he thinks I'm punitive and immature in a way his ex isn't. (Which isn't true at all, but it still hurts after watching her heinous entitlement for so many years.)