I'll be reading your posts closely. It's nice to find someone who can relate to the stepfamily and the MLC stuff. I do believe that his ex's financial harassment and his kids' bullying him when asked to clean up after themselves triggered him into this state. I know there were other factors, but those seemed to be the acute ones.
I passed by his ex walking down the street on Friday. It kills me that she's winning. She's been trying every avenue to break us up since 2012 because she couldn't stand that he was happy without her.
A friend of mine said it best: "it's like she's the boiling water to his dysfunctional bullion cubes."
A funny thing just happened. I work next to a hospital, and went out to the bus stop in front of the lobby to catch a bus to go to an apartment showing. It's snowing, so I had my coat on and my hood up.
I saw a truck that looked just like his driving slowly through the loop. As it got closer, I couldn't help but stare. It was him.
He drove past and saw me. I was standing there staring at him with my head cocked. I didn't smile. I didn't wave. He looked over, saw me, and a moment later he laughed in spite of himself.
I think he was there to pick up a male colleague who has regular treatments at the hospital on Tuesdays.
Turns out I got the date for the apartment viewing wrong. It's actually tomorrow. Cue that part of me that says "Maybe that was supposed to happen so he could have that moment of remembering me without all of the foggy BS."
I love it!! I am a firm believer that those little "coincidences" are just "God whispers". Again, I totally heard my story in your last post- about the ex. When my H's ex found out we were "working through some things, etc.", she totally came on to him at a family birthday dinner (again, too much wine for her and she notches up the crazy level)- said why don't you just come home with me? (He did not tell me this- his sister did. She said he pushed her away and of course a scene ensued with my H walking out leaving the dinner and crazy ex having a melt down, threatening to kill herself. BTW, same son's birthday whose wedding reception was interrupted!) Luckily, in all his messy confusion and behavior the last 3 months, and in the 13 years I've been married to him, she has never been a concern of mine. I think she'd be way down his list of go-to's if we don't make it, but if that happens, by then I won't care anyway. RIGHT? I'll have moved my happy self on down my own road. (Times like this I wish we could know more about poster's location b/c I think you'd be one I could sit down with over a girl-talk happy hour!) Then again, the anonymity here is what makes it a safe place for all of us.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I love it!! I am a firm believer that those little "coincidences" are just "God whispers".
Haha. Yes, it happened so quickly that I didn't have time to think about what I'd do. So the staring and the cocked head happened.
My bus arrived right behind him and so if he looked back he'd see that I got on it and know that it truly was a coincidence.
He always used to love little coincidences and saying or thinking things at the same time. Oh well. That time is over and I'll just assume that he doesn't care. Because he probably doesn't.
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Again, I totally heard my story in your last post- about the ex. When my H's ex found out we were "working through some things, etc.", she totally came on to him at a family birthday dinner (again, too much wine for her and she notches up the crazy level)- said why don't you just come home with me? (He did not tell me this- his sister did. She said he pushed her away and of course a scene ensued with my H walking out leaving the dinner and crazy ex having a melt down, threatening to kill herself.
Wow. That's some next level stuff. Have you considered that she has some sort of personality disorder? I know that H's ex does. She's not quite right.
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in the 13 years I've been married to him, she has never been a concern of mine.
Yes, his ex isn't one of mine in a romantic or sexual sense. She just wants to be in control of him and be the most important woman in his life. She got booted out of both of those things when he met me and she's been giving him hell since.
I know he feels shame over handing over the money from his retirement account. He said to me that he shouldn't have given it to her in the settlement and he was just trying to be a nice guy. But she has a job with a pension and he doesn't; he needs the money.
This was pre-DB, so I said "Well, I have about that much in my retirement account, so you really break via our life together."
And, as usual, when she finds a way to traumatize him, he mixed the two of us up. Suddenly I'm "controlling" and "relentless" and he "goes to far with women even when he's not happy." He feels that all the ugliness he is feeling is because he's unhappy with me and wishes we didn't buy our house.
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I think she'd be way down his list of go-to's if we don't make it, but if that happens, by then I won't care anyway. RIGHT? I'll have moved my happy self on down my own road.
I think more that I supported him through the trials and tribulations of removing her claws from his life, and now some other woman will benefit without nearly the stress that we went through.
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Times like this I wish we could know more about poster's location b/c I think you'd be one I could sit down with over a girl-talk happy hour!) Then again, the anonymity here is what makes it a safe place for all of us.
That's true. From reading your posts, I can tell you that I'm not in the south. I'm in the northeast.
I'm sorry that you're sick, and I'm sorry that you have so many fears happening. I understand that. When H and I broke up in 2014, the reconciliation process made me feel sick. Even though all the signs were positive, I was still frightened to open up to him again.
Everything looks positive that I read. The fact that he knew you were upset about his apartment plans and that he explained himself to you tells me that he's opening his heart to caring for your feelings again. Whether it will stick is the question. But keep doing what you've been doing because it seems to be working.
And I have to say that we do have similar stories, aside from the cheating. I don't think H would do that (he described having an opportunity when he was still married to his ex, and he couldn't go through with it and just enjoyed the attention), but if this is a MLC then all bets are off.
He wants to put the house on the market. He wants to choose the realtor, apparently because the one we used to buy it is a friend of ours and he might have to face some sort of accountability from those outside of his bubble. Oh well. I have to sign off on it so I'm not going to worry about it now.
And the conversation about expenses was not what I anticipated. I thought we'd discuss upcoming bills. Instead, he pulled out a document showing the expenses to purchase the house.
He paid the down payment and the closing costs. In exchange, I was to make a majority of the payments. This is due to our financial situation - I make more salary and less savings, and he's the opposite.
So he had all the closing costs listed out and divided them in half. He'd also had to pay off his truck loan and one of my credit cards to get financing. So, accounting for all of this, he had "my share" at the bottom, with the implication that I owe him money.
I explained that the conversation wasn't what I'd expected, and that I wasn't going to agree to anything like that. He seemed shocked.
I reminded him that I have a lawyer and that I'm not agreeing to how we'd split proceeds. He said, why don't you tell me what you feel you're entitled to then? I told him that I don't have a plan, but I do have a problem with what he'd laid out.
I reminded him that we purchased the home as a committed couple, not as roommates. There was no "I'll cover your part for you" conversation because we were a unit. We had planned to live here for 5-7 years. That was what I signed up for when I took this risk with him. And I understand why he'd want to rewrite history given his present state of mind (I actually said "freakout", which he objected to and I backed down. It was a poor choice of words) but the arrangement he was presenting was not reflective of the reality of the purchase.
He said "Wow" and seemed alarmed. I guess part of his plan to hit the "undo" button was that I'd submissively cooperate in minimizing his financial loss? And introduce some loss for me?
I told him I'd take it and look at it. I read it again and said that I have the same problem with it. It's a lovely agreement for him to take solace in now, but it's not reflective of the reality of why and how we bought the house.
He asked my plan, and I said that I didn't have one, but I knew that I didn't like what he'd presented to me.
I'd folded up the sheet of paper, and he took it back. I think he's shocked that I won't get on board with the MLC financial revisions. I'm sure he's worried, and that's fine. This is the reality of his decision. I'm not doing anything wrong.
I didn't get emotional and no one raised voices. I tried to have a soft but firm voice, and picked up my cat at the end of the conversation and was kissing him. I don't want to seem adversarial, but I'm not taking on debt to help him make his escape. Did he really think I'm that dumb?
I didn't want any of this. The plan for the house worked if we'd lived here as planned in the relationship that we were in. That's what I signed up for. And he's reneging on that deal and thinks I should take on debt because he's unilaterally ending things?
Earlier this month, after I calmed down from him dropping his bomb about splitting up, I realized that I'm in the power position when it comes to the house. I pay the mortgage and home equity loans. He's aware that stops as soon as I move. And I've also got no money down. He's the one who can lose big here, not me.
Right now he's surely mad and thinks I'm the worst mistake he's made, but that's not much different than what I've been dealing with all along after he lost his mind. I was the bad guy and I'm still the bad guy.
Now, even if things do improve and he becomes nicer to me, I won't know if he's just trying to manipulate me financially.
I just... I can't believe he thought I'd agree to that. What is my motivation to do that? My lawyer has told me that I could claim "infliction of emotional distress" and go after any profit on the home. I don't know that I'll do that, but it's nice to have in my pocket.
He's probably going to be angrier with me now and think that I'm much more of a mistake. Oh well. I don't think being a sucker and signing up for the debt he wants me to take on would have earned his respect.
Anyone have any thoughts about how this will impact things?
I'm feeling okay today. I'm still shocked he expects me to take on debt to make his escape more financially advantageous for him.
He's so lost in this that he thinks that I should pay him back for the closing costs. That's not how this worked, nor does it work now.
We have no verbal nor written agreement about the house purchase, and we own it 50/50. He's got money down, I don't. At least I've got that going for me.
I'm thinking of calling my friend who was our realtor. She might be able to provide him a dose of reality. But probably not. He's in deep.
He's got two guy friends whom he confides in.
One is his friend he made during our first breakup: I'll call him M. M is in his late 40s and can't sustain a relationship. M dates women long distance, saying there are none in our area that he likes. It's really to make sure it can't work out, though. The one woman I've seen him have a relationship with was a raging narcissist. He had her move in with him, and that went wonderfully for a year (sarcasm, she'd insult him and punch him.)
M has no use for me. He'll say hello to me but he has never asked me a question about myself. I'd warned H that M wanted him single, as M is admittedly sad that all of his friends have settled down and there's no one to go out and chat up chicks with. H poo pooed me. I told him that I didn't want him going out with M to try to find chicks for M. Go out to hang out with M? Fine. Go watch a game? Fine.
H also confided in M every time we had an argument. I'd expressed concern over this to H, given that M doesn't know me (just the cartoon version of me from H's side) and H only talks about me when something is wrong. Given that M also wants him single, and M met H when H was trying to convince himself he'd made the right decision in breaking up with me, I'd been very wary of this friendship. H recently told me that M is surprisingly supportive and knows that "we have something special that he's likely to never find." Somehow I don't believe that.
The other, J, is a nice guy, but chased girls in their 20s who used him. Now he's dating an insecure woman in her 50s. He can only meet H for lunch, because otherwise his GF would have his head on a platter if she knew he was socializing without her permission. J is nicer to me and has asked me some questions. But I still don't think he sees through H's crapola.
So these two are the only ones H is talking to and neither of them are going to tell him he's acting crazy. I have been begging H to please make some guy friends who are in happy long term relationships, but he's told me he finds those type of men to be boring.
Also, aside from me, H also tends to date narcissist women for 1-3 months. Though they're not even attractive narcissists like M dates. I've seen a few, and boy are they not cute. I'm the only emotionally healthy woman he's ever dated, and he doesn't seem to understand that his crisis is coming up because he hit the point where he was vulnerable and dependent upon me.
Apparently that set off some sort of alarm in him and he's totally shut down.
I spoke with my lawyer. Apparently, since neither of us pursued protecting the money we put into the house, and because we are on the deed 50/50, the default would be to split any proceeds 50/50.
Of course we could settle on something different, or he could sue me.
I really didn't want this power. It's making me feel sick.
I'm signing a lease on Saturday. I found an apartment with some nice windows that would allow me to save a little money and walk to work. It will be a huge step down from our lovely house, but oh well. This is what I need to do. I need to take him at his word that this is over.
One thing about the move that has really bothered me was needing to leave my plants behind. Since we moved in, I've developed quite a green thumb, when I used to kill any plant in my vicinity. I've been lovingly tending to my plants and expanding my collection because we have a little sun room and some skylights.
Not being able to take my plants was breaking my heart. Luckily, I think I'll have enough windows that I can take them all. I might have to give away one or two, but that's okay. I know I'm not leaving any behind. It pleases me about how empty and clinical this place is going to look when I'm gone.
I also harvested tomato seeds and was planning to throw myself into gardening in our backyard in the spring.
The lease starts in May so I'm going to try to find a short term place to go until then. I want to move my things out of here and not have to come back.
He honestly seems to think that my leaving is just talk and that I'll keep living here and helping with bills. He doesn't say that, but given his magical plan where I owe him money for the house and so he should get to keep any proceeds, I know that he's not thinking straight. He is totally unable and unwilling to put himself in my shoes. He's a child and I'm his mother whom he's rebelling against.
Somewhere along the way he decided I was materialistic and entitled. I did talk about how much I loved this house, but I meant it as appreciation. I think he heard it as entitlement.
I'm wondering what will happen when my moving becomes a reality. Probably nothing. Even if he's shocked or upset, he'll make sure that I don't see it.
I can't wait to leave behind this cartoon version of me that he's been reacting to. I represent all of the things that he detests about women, particularly his mother and his ex. I'm needy, dependent (financially and emotionally), I manipulate him, I'm materialistic, and I'm entitled.
In reality, I am none of those things and I never have been. He just needs a screen to project his negativity onto. Living with that, and knowing I'm not being seen for me, has been incredibly oppressive.
Then again, the anonymity here is what makes it a safe place for all of us.