Sotto, I ditto what Irish said: that your big heart shines through in your posts. You offer wonderful advice.
I want to thank you for posting to us and on your own thread. It is very helpful as you are an inspiration! Like so many of us here, you had a loved one completely break with reality and yet you stood strong through it all.
You can't control the fact that your h had obvious poor coping skills (as the MLC prone do) but you can be very proud that you were kind and stood through some serious insanity.
Thanks for all the help you've always given me. I sending you positive thoughts!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I agree w/Irish and HaWho 100% on postings and how you shine through. Your advice has always been spot on and you reach out to posters in a very kind and compassionate way.
Your spouse had some serious coping skill issues, i.e., like most of them, and ran away. You, like all of us, didn't ask to be divorced and have to deal w/MLC along the way.
Keep up the good work. You are an inspiration to all!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"if she is never haunted by the deep pain she is inflicting on the people who loved her the most, she has no empathy. And she makes a lousy partner. And if she is haunted by it, but does nothing to rebuild something, then she makes a lousy partner."
I read this on Gordie's thread and it stayed on my mind. Do you think it is possible for the MLCer to go on and have a thriving relationship unless they 'track back' and address the deep wounds caused?
The closest my XH came to any sort of apology was along the lines of - I know I made mistakes - BUT - I hope you'll see that I'm a decent and genuine guy who truly knows what he wants now - a new family.
I think decent and genuine is what decent and genuine does...but actually XH and OW do seem to be making a go of it - maybe some do go on to thrive with a new partner?
Just musing - I think we are way past any possibility of reconciliation, but I do feel that some sort of healing of the rift and wound would be a good thing.
Perhaps he is haunted. Can you cheat and not be haunted? I guess it goes back to the original quote above - if you aren't....
I may sound pensive, but actually it's been a fun week with lots of singing dancing and able to help a really good friend in crisis too...
Hope everyone is having a good weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I don't think any MLCER goes on to be happy or have a better R.. MY XH is now D from OW I also got sort of an apology on a VM- they know or why bother apologizing
I think they are haunted and I think R are difficult general - over time after the fun wears off--they are hard add deceit, lies and drugs to the equation.they become impossible
Its just a matter of time for most of them and even if they do manage to stay together Im going to check what the percentage is of A that last lifelong-
Im sure some do manage to stay together as co- addicts--that is not a happy life just my 2 cents
Have a good weekend dance away!
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
No idea if she is haunted. Sometimes she sounds sad when she talks to me and recently she even said she missed spending time with me. But over the divorce and breaking up the family and adultery? No shame or guilt or regret. She says she is 100% sure she is doing the right thing. Sometimes I hope she is able to find her version of happy...no idea if that will happen.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
you will see the signs of torment on her face. It is unmistakable. Sometimes she will seem like she the happiest person on earth and sometimes there will be horrid lines on her face.
I agree about the torment and I very much saw that with XH. I think he vacillated between highs with OW - to dreadful feelings about the duplicitous existence. After BD he said to me that the lying was the worst thing that ever 'happened to him.' So, he disassociated himself from the lying even - avoided direct responsibility - it happened 'to me'.
But BD was a huge relief to him, to unburden himself and 'come clean' was cathartic in his case. And since then he seems not to have looked back. Equally, it is difficult to see that a R in his circumstances could work out - she's 17 years younger, emotionally fragile, her last R was an A, his M broke up, then she cheated on him with XH - it's a disaster zone really. But my situation is one where a R with disaster written all over it does seem to endure for a good while - 3.5 years in fact.
Again, it may seem like I'm focusing on it heavily - truly I move solidly forward most of the time, but it's been on my mind this week and maybe my musings may help someone...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My XH A and M to oW lasted 10 years, its ended 2 months ago
The last VM I heard him say in desperation he needed help and he told one of his old friends , he needs out of new M
Your XH new R sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and it won't last some women do only date M guys..There is a name for them..they hate men but are seductive they ruin the guy--I read about this years ago theres a book about it My XH I believe had one of those
but like you said best to detach away from them wish them well and go about your new life ..
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi all, thanks so much for your thoughts above. It is helpful to remember that it generally doesn't end well for the MLCer. Not that I wish XH unhappiness, but I would like to see him have some regret at some point and perhaps apologise too. I understand either may never happen and that's okay. It doesn't take up that much of my headspace now.
Well, time for a mini update from me. I had a milestone birthday last week and enjoyed 4 or 5 different fun events with family and friends - meals out, a party and a present of a style consultation, which was fun. I felt spoiled by everyone and had a lovely time.
I'm still dancing and singing - plus yoga and divorce group friends. Divorce group is on at the moment and I'm helping facilitate one of the groups there. They are a lovely group and it seems to be helping people. We've had some fun too. Our group is a mixture of LBS and WAS actually, so that's interesting. Central to the situations are infidelity and drug or alcohol abuse. I'm glad to still be involved in the programme and it is rewarding to have something to offer others after the pain of going through it yourself.
A new group is starting up in our area for singles in their 50s. Me and some friends are going along to their inaugural meeting, so hopefull that will be fun. I have also been a bit tempted by a dancing holiday. But my two good dancing buddies aren't able to go and I don't feel brave enough to go it alone. We'll see how things unfold.
The flat is almost decorated, but with the winter months I crashed, burned and lost any momentum to finish off. I'm giving myself until the New Year off and then I'll do the rest. I did pretty well to get 75% done in the last few months and it looks mostly nice now. Work trips along and I reduced my days now - so a little more freedom and R&R for me. Work is still busy though and I always seem to have to cram in a little extra at home..
No romatic news - but really it is fun to be single and have friends, dance, song and laughter in my life. If someone nice came along, I wouldn't be closed to that, but I'm not actively seeking that either. Actually a married friend came along to my birthday party last weekend, where we had a really good laugh about various things. She said - wow, you divorced folk have so much fun!!
Anyway - that's it from me and I try to remember to practice gratitude. Someone on this site also recommended the Calm.com app, which I'm trying. I do like it and may buy it. I'm also getting more into folk music lately, which is fun.
Take care folks and have a lovely weekend xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
