The hot and cold, don't touch me you have cooties and then let's hug and kiss...those mixed signals are signs of confusion. Stop trying to read his mind as he probably doesn't even know what he is thinking. You can't control him. You can only control you. This is really heard, but the answer I have learned here is to detach. You are going to be strong and stead...if he hugs and kisses you, great...if he doesn't want to be in the same room as you, great...
Learn to listen more and talk less...when he says he's willing to work on things...ask him in a friendly and inviting way, what do you mean by that? or describe to me what "work on things" means to you.
Pointing out all the negative aspects of your relationship? As I learned from Cali, grab a stool and imagine yourself drinking a STFU smoothie. Every time you have the desire to defend yourself or correct his interpretation of things, just take another gulp. Just listen. A time may come when you can respond, but not now, not when emotions are high.
Try and establish a sexual connection? I don't want to contradict your counselor and encourage you to go for it if that's still there and you both want it, but don't want you to be discouraged if it's not. Further, if your H is depressed or not feeling confident, he may not even be able to get it up. I'd work on emotional connection and being able to touch one another in a friendly, non sexual way.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I like the smoothie analogy haha. And Yes, this is what I have been trying to do. It has been so hard listening to him and not being able to defend myself or even say anything productive. But I have been keeping my mouth shut. the last couple of days he has been playing off of my insecurities as well. He's been making a point to say things that would make me feel...I guess jealous maybe? And Im not sure where this is coming from or why. maybe testing me? I don't think he is being an adult about this whole situation, I think it's a horrible thing to do to a person, to know their weak points and use them in a time like this. never in a million years would I think he would display this type of behavior. it is so heartbreaking to me.
Im trying very hard to do my own thing, however since the bomb, all my hobbies and interests have really disappeared, I garden, I have chickens and other animals I tend to, and I'm very spiritual and love to spend time educating myself, but lately I haven't wanted to have anything to do with it.
I don't necessarily think he is not able to perform. like I had said we did get somewhat intimate a few nights ago, and then again the next night, and I have been making a point to put myself out there everyday, and he's rejected me 3 times since friday. I've felt an absolute jolt in my libido since the bomb, and I guess I'm just disappointed that it didn't do the same for him. maybe you are right, that an emotional connection should be worked on first.
what I meant by "disappointed it didnt do the same for him" was that i guess this awakening made me realize how attracted I still am to him and it kinda woke up my sexual desire for him, but i can understand why he's not feeling the same way.
Sunmoon...this is really hard. There are days when my W wants me--including sex--and days she doesn't want to be with me. When all of this started, the former made me happy and the latter made me rejected/angry/sad. It's taken a lot of work and time to be at peace within myself and not let my W's moods and interactions literally control me...and how I feel. Take that power away from him...and give it to yourself.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Im trying very hard to do my own thing, however since the bomb, all my hobbies and interests have really disappeared, I garden, I have chickens and other animals I tend to, and I'm very spiritual and love to spend time educating myself, but lately I haven't wanted to have anything to do with it.
I was the same way at first. Wanted nothing to do with my original hobbies. I don't know what snapped and brought me back to them, but it was a relief and welcome thing. I find that hobbies that force concentration to the best. You will return in time.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Gordie, I understand that. I also am trying to come to grips that it was me and my behavior towards him that pushed him away. I am a strong person and know I can get past the rejection eventually, like you said its just hard to know your best friend, your lover, your spouse doesn't have it for you. I look back at the last year of our marriage and ask myself "why didn't I see what was happening? where was my head?" although he let his end slip too. I fear he takes its as a sign we are not meant to me, instead of thinking "we let it happen, we can work on it and not let it happen again".
One of my biggest flaws is having to control everything. I admit it. So, not being able to control and fix this situation is eating me alive.
Jeep, thanks for your input. I know I will find the urge again, I just wish it was now when I really need something to keep my mind off the current situation, and keep myself looking busy. When he comes home from work, and in the mornings before work I struggle to find something to keep me busy. I literally just walk around the house and "act" busy. today I left to go drop some things off at goodwill and to go tan, and then I sat in the parking lot just so I appeared gone and busy. told him to fend for himself for lunch today. he was fine with it.going to be asking for more hours at work - need the money anyway, and it keeps me busy thinking about other things as well.
What is something you've always wanted to do but never did? Think back to childhood if you must...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep, I'm pretty much doing all that finances will allow me to do at this point. I joined the gym this morning, same gym my h goes to but he wanted me to start going. last night we were intimate, of course initiated by me. I don't know if I am setting myself up for disappointment or not. He seems receptive with some things and others not so much. I know he needs time. One of his "issues" with me is that I don't enjoy movies and tv as much as he does. (to me this is such a silly thing....) I have literally spent the entire last 5 days watching tv and movies that I am not even the slightest bit interested in with him. It's like now I'm fearful of even doing anything I want to do for fear he's going to think "it will never work because we are too different." It is a horrible place to be in. He's not thinking straight. He's not of the mindset that two people can love and be happy together even though their interests aren't the same. He's so h$ll bent on this whole "compatibility" thing. I was sitting there, watching him watch tv while playing a game on his phone, his friend texting him, smiling, texting back, and I thought to myself..."i don't even know him anymore". I wanted to cry. I know we can be close again, and I know its half my fault, I'm hoping that this "head in clouds fairytale" thing hes got going on of the perfect relationship goes away soon. I understand that its part of his depression/confusion about our marriage at this point. We have a counseling session this friday together but I am afraid to even voice anything at this point for fear of jeopardizing the situation.
marriage to me is a commitment, to love the person when sometimes you don't want to be around them, a vow you made to stand by them in any situation, sickness, health, rich or poor....and he wants to throw me away because I'm not "meant for him anymore". it's a cop out...can you tell I've reached my anger stage? lol
Gordie, I understand that. I also am trying to come to grips that it was me and my behavior towards him that pushed him away. I am a strong person and know I can get past the rejection eventually, like you said its just hard to know your best friend, your lover, your spouse doesn't have it for you. I look back at the last year of our marriage and ask myself "why didn't I see what was happening? where was my head?" although he let his end slip too. I fear he takes its as a sign we are not meant to me, instead of thinking "we let it happen, we can work on it and not let it happen again". One of my biggest flaws is having to control everything. I admit it. So, not being able to control and fix this situation is eating me alive.
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Good^^ insight. Understand that when you surrender the illusion of control, you will actually be empowered.
it'll allow you to stay in your sandbox and work on you, rather than constantly checking his personal work in his sandbox.
It's crucial & vital for us to keep our focus ONLY On what we can control and that is ONLY Us.
Don't fuel his negatives by doing any of the same things he resists. Counter his negatives by doing the opposite. (You want him to stop believing his negative data. If he says you are "always late", you become MS. PUNCTUAL, arriving on time or early for everything.)
Have you gotten the DB book yet? I preferred Divorce Remedy, but both books are useful.
So You must detach to survive this and you must GAL to detach.
Hobbies and interests that get you around OTHER (preferably new) people are key.
I know you don't feel like doing that. Your instinct is probably telling you to hole up with some hot chocolate and lick your wounds. I get that.
That is why DBing can feel counter intuitive. We are asking you to make a leap of faith and trust that we have learned something here,
and we want to pass that on.
Join something, volunteer somewhere, take a class, coach or mentor or travel or play on a team
but GAL as soon as possible. It's not just about GAL and detaching. (But that's huge)
It's also about bringing something to the table other than unmet needs. You're still sharing a space so you do have time. Use it well.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
haha. And Yes, this is what I have been trying to do. It has been so hard listening to him and not being able to defend myself or even say anything productive. But I have been keeping my mouth shut. the last couple of days he has been playing off of my insecurities as well. He's been making a point to say things that would make me feel...I guess jealous maybe? And Im not sure where this is coming from or why. maybe testing me? I don't think he is being an adult about this whole situation, I think it's a horrible thing to do to a person, to know their weak points and use them in a time like this. never in a million years would I think he would display this type of behavior. it is so heartbreaking to me.