I can remember all of the button pushing that my xh did over the years and I do think some of it comes from being passive aggressive, but MLC made it far, far worse.
I did learn that the more you ignore the behavior, the more they ramp it up until they come to realize that you aren't going to bite. Then they'll start on another tactic of being very nice and will go back and forth to find the key to open your door to reacting. As hard as it is, don't react to them. They are trying to find justification for the way they feel and for what they are doing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job, SBJ, and Skyhigh! It does seem he is ramping it up. It helps to keep in mind how manipulative he is being. He was never like this before. It's hard to accept that he could be like this.
This is such script isn't it? When I think about the mentality one must have in order to be like this, all I picture is anger and resentment. All that nasty stuff swirling around. Yuck. I won't let him suck me in.
Now that I know what it is and that it isn't me, it is easier to resist the temptation to respond. I feel much more confident standing my ground by ignoring his nonsense. It is very teenagerish behavior. (My apologies to teens for the insult! lol)
I am still fighting the notion in my head that this is all my fault. I was a bad wife, I was mean, cold, unempathetic, etc. What I do know is that I didn't get there overnight. Something helped me along because I am not like this to anyone else.
In the past, before BD, when I knew I should be empathetic and compassionate toward H, I would cringe inside. It was (and still is) really, really hard for me to do. I didn't want to open myself up to him like that. I don't think I felt safe. I think I have found something for me to explore.
On another unhappy note, I saw some divorce papers in his work bag. I snooped. I won't try to justify it because I know it was wrong. I know I am being punished for it because I am spinning.
He hasn't filed them yet, but it looks like they are ready to go.
Once he does file them, I have heard the advice to go dark. Only talk about finances and children. I am not sure what that looks like. Can others who have gone dark share their experience?
Does that mean I don't include him on adventures with my S? I have been pulling back on that a lot lately.
Does that mean I don't let him know where I am going and when I will be back?
Right now, I prepare dinner for the three of us. My rationale, up to this point has been that if I am cooking for two (S and I), then it would be a kind thing to cook for him as well. He does pay for groceries. Should I only cook for S and I when that happens?
Any other advice? I would like to be as prepared as possible.
Wait until the papers are actually filed before worrying about how to respond when going dark otherwise you will be spinning sooner rather than focusing on making yourself stronger.
Xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I'm sorry to hear about the papers - ugh...we all snoop(ed) from time to time, so no need to apologise. Over time I came to see the impact on me wasn't helpful and I naturally stopped. I still have one or two snoopable avenues, but I really couldn't even be bothered to look nowadays.
As for the papers, I can only tell you that from when H said he was filing for D and when he actually filed for D was around six months. So, please just live your life and try not to worry. Nothing is done until or unless it is done - and if it gets done, you'll come up with a plan and can post here for support and advice.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Stay strong, you are starting to understand that his behavior is NOT related to yours, that's great!
He is just trying by engaging in this very twisted/aggressive/crazy behavior to justify his actions toward you. He NEEDS to find a excuse for leaving his wife and his child, so he will pick/fight on everything to make you react/scream/spew, that way he can tell people WHY he left you (my life was terrible, she was ...). He is blaming his unhappiness on you because that's the easiest thing to do, you are the REAL life, and real life comes with obligations. MLCers hate obligations, they want freedom and enjoy life, that's why OW is so attractive, she is in his mind the solution to his problems, but he doesn't realize that's only a fantasy. OW are excellent at stroking their egos and agreeing with everything they say, it's easy to agree on words only but wait for real life...
You need to understand that you did NOTHING to justify such actions. You are a victim.
Stay strong, don't take the bait! His nastiness is not going to go away soon, so try to avoid him as much as you can. He is in full replay, there is nothing you can do to make him change right now, you need to protect yourself and your son.
You talked about your behavior before BD, your behavior changed because HIS behavior changed too, usually they start their gas lighting on us a few months or even years before BD, so their behavior affects our behavior in a very subtile way.
Now for those divorce papers, don't talk to him about it, but just make sure you are ready in case (divorce lawyers, copy of documents...), and what I am going to tell you is somewhat controversial, record your conversations with him without him knowing, it can come very handy in case of custody to show that's he is quite mentally unstable. He might have those papers also just to show OW that he is ready to file but is he really ready? Keep in mind MLCers are liars, they lie to us but also to others.
Take the high road, don't spew, don't nag, don't engage in any controversial conversations. Meanwhile, detach ++++ and install boundaries+++. The more you can delay the filing of the divorce the better for you, one way is not avoid those explosive arguments (it keeps the animosity to a manageable level and also a nuclear argument which can led him to leave the house for good) and by gaining time also it makes OW very nervous, so she can become "annoyed' of the delay, then she might start nagging and not being so perfect.
Your worth is not related to him, keep that in mind. His behavior makes you question yours but keep in mind you are the sane one, so stop blaming yourself for whatever and be strong for you and your son, you are the only sane parent right now.
MLC is a very long journey but you have the choice of YOUR decisions even if you feel overwhelmed by it. That's tough to think in this madness but if you can detach it helps.
Good luck and big HUGS, my heart goes to you!
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I appreciate the positive feedback and the kind support even though I backslid. I have been working hard on not letting him ruffle my feathers, at all. Fortunately, yesterday passed without incident. It seems like it is getting easier and easier.
It saddens me to think that this is what it has come to. We all played in the yard together after dinner and as we were walking back into the house, I felt sad. I will miss having someone to share S's milestones. It's one thing to tell family and friends about how S did this or that, but it's different sharing it with your spouse (although we haven't done that in a long time). I looked over at H and he seemed like he has aged so much over the past few months. His hair is really graying and he was moving more slowly. I wonder if other people see it too.
His mind must also be all over the place. I shared a funny work story with him as we were cleaning up. He didn't acknowledge anything I said and I can't even be 100% certain he heard what I was saying. He immediately launched into a story about a big rig crashing causing a huge fire in a city next to the city he works in. Huh? I know he was really tired, but this was random. It was odd.
I went to my second EMDR session yesterday and it was intense. I learned a lot about myself and how my interactions with my mother have shaped how I interact with H. What is so interesting to me is that these issues only exist between H and I. I don't have these relational problems with anyone else. There is something about him and how we deal with each other that brings this out. I would like to understand more about my triggers and how to deal with them. Maybe even get rid of them!!!
Skyhigh, you are so right about his behavior changing and having an impact on mine. I think they have a name for this in psychology. At the same time, I hate to "justify" how I behaved or place blame at his feet. It kinda sounds like a "well, he started it" excuse. And that is, in essence, what I would tell him. I shouldn't have been so reactive to him. I definitely should have handled things differently. I didn't know how. I didn't know there was a different way and I didn't know my part in it.
I'm trying not to think about those papers in his work bag. At this point, the only thing a divorce would mean is not living under the same roof 100% of the time with S. That is what makes me sad about it all. Losing H isn't such a big deal. He is already long gone.
H is working late tonight. Allegedly. Lol! He won't be around. And for some reason, I feel some relief that I won't be seeing him until tomorrow.
I wish I had some helpful advice for you, but just rooting for you on this journey.
1. My W has been sitting on the D papers (all filled out) since January...hasn't filed...yet.
2. When I make a meal for the family...I do so for W too...and when she makes a meal for the family...she does so for me too...do what you feel is right...I think of HaWho...I'd do it for a houseguest.
3. I too feel relief when I know my W will be out for the day or the evening...I feel bad that I feel that way...but in the present situation, that's the truth.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Oops I meant it's best TO avoid those explosive ...(not avoid), I really hate that autocorrection...
Please don't blame yourself for your behavior before BD, in a normal relationship most probably he won't have said those comments anyway. You reacted that way because you were hurt. You are human.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Hello! Happy St. Patty's Day!! Isn't everyone Irish on the 17th of March?!? Hee hee.
I don't know if it is the therapy, if my detachment has increased, the saging I have done, or what, but I feel pretty good today. Except, I do have a low grade headache that won't go away. It is possibly a side effect of the EMDR. I will have to look into that with my therapist later today.
Even though D may be on the horizon, rather than think about all the potential downsides, I am looking at houses on the internet and imagining what it would be like to live in them, just S and I. It's kinda exciting to think about.
It's weird, I don't have this doom and gloom feeling inside of me. I can't explain it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a D. And if it happens, I know I will be sad. But maybe I will be okay. Sharing custody of S will still be awful too.
Maybe I'm just cycling. What goes up . . . you know the rest.
My therapist informed me that low grade headaches are a potential side effect of the therapy. I figured since it wasn't responding to the ibuprofen I was taking.
So I have come down from my high on St. Patty's Day. I am not as optimistic, but I am not as low as I thought I might be given the news below.
On Saturday morning I attended a work training session. It wasn't mandatory, but a friend was giving a presentation so I showed up in support. Normally, I wouldn't go.
I spent some time with my parents as well and hung out with S. The weather was beautiful so I made it a point to take advantage.
On the MLC front, I received a letter in the mail informing me H has filed. But he has not served me and the letter does not count as service. I plan on not saying anything about the letter.
He is probably waiting for me to receive the letter so he doesn't have to tell me. What a coward. In the meantime, I am not sure what I should be doing?
