Are you saying that my wife and I could never have a successful relationship again or that things would never be the same with her? Being the same isn't necessary, and I wouldn't want the dissatisfaction to return, anyway. I'd just want the good part of our relationship back.
Not at all.
Any R you have is likely a new one. Going back to the old won't happen. It's gone.
Why only want the 'good' it wasn't enough last time, why not want different and wonderfully connected.
That requires shift in you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
2 things. First, I've asked several questions that remain unanswered.
Can you tell me if you read them but don't want to answer, or if you don't know the answers yet?
Second, I've learned something about life. Some of the hardest most challenging things in life, are not very complicated.
They are damn difficult, and painful, yet the solutions are actually simple. I struggled with over thinking things.
But I'm learning not to overcomplicate things, especially if it's b/c I'm resisting the actions I need to take.
On one hand, you know you must change, but you resist that. Which is a pattern your w identified to you. She wanted to go out and socialize, she wanted more people in her life outside of work. She asked you several times to do so, to get out of your comfort zone...and it would have been one simple (not saying "easy"!) thing for you to do.
There is a powerful inertia & resistance within you. Part of it is fear, and part of it is habit.
So, here are some GAL suggestions that won't be easy, but GAL is not complicated.
Join a group or organization or club
visit/travel somewhere new,
coach a team or tutor or mentor someone,
take a class (not online) & study something (e.g, cooking or a foreign language)
play a team sport or game --
Go ahead and learn to fly that plane, - at least take ground school,
work out and exercise, become stronger
get a hair cut, buy some new types of clothes, (you will feel different, and that is fine!)
volunteer somewhere ...audition for a show to act, take music lessons to play an instrument help with backstage crew of a theater group if you don't want to be "on", -
Choose 2 of these^^ and DO them, this month. Wsh...it's not complicated.
It's essential to GAL. It will help you become the man you want to become. (And yes also, the man she wanted you to become.)
FYI, I want you to know I literally did all of the above...and I was in Alaska, (& going out in the winter took an enormous amount of desperation on my end) oh, and I had a newborn baby, & 2 kids.
I'm just saying it can be done. An enormous amount of inertia & fears are holding you back. Are those fears and the powerful inertia, serving you?
But in a way It's almost like a math equation for you, "If I do X, then wife will come back" and oh, here is some empirical data to back it up". But it's not life.
Yet you resist change, mightily. Even in the face of all the "Data" that shows how poorly that resistance to change has done for you...
We are telling you that you need to make some shifts in your life. Regardless of how you behave towards your w or think about the OM, you really must GAL...
So, it boils down to these few questions... What are you willing to do to become a better (happier) man?
And can you see that those ^^changes to actualize, are more likely to increase the chance of her returning and remaining?
Can you see that regardless of HER actions, you will be in a better place if and only if, you make those shifts?
So what exactly is in conflict?
And what are the changes you are willing to make?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have been a little busy, and I was thinking about the latest posts towards me. You just gave me a lot of great ideas on how to GAL. I really thought this latest post by you was very profound. I can't believe this level of counseling is available for free. You guys here are really smart, and know what you are talking about. And the fact that you are willing to take all the time to read my thread and write out such high quality responses makes me feel very fortunate. And at a time when I feel so thrown away and hated and unloved and unvalued, and am continuously invaded by thoughts of my wife spending the weekend with OM, like I suspect she is doing, it really means a lot. Thank you.
I'm going to read over the latest posts again and respond with what I'm going to do to GAL more.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I have a tremendous amount of respect for 25. I find her advice to be incredibly helpful. It certainly was helpful to me during the most challenging times of my sitch.
I sincerely hope that you begin taking the time to incorporate some of her suggestions to remake yourself into the best person possible. Ultimately, that's where the rubber meets the road.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
My main reason is that it will make it a lot faster for me to get ready to go each day. I have also read that by far most women do not like long hair on a guy. The entire time I was with my wife I had long hair, but she did show interest in me cutting it, although she was scared that she wouldn't like it. It will make me feel like I fit in better with other guys, perhaps. Some people view a man with long hair negatively, like he's shady or into drugs. Changing my appearance makes me perhaps seem more like a different person. Might make me appear more masculine and strong.
My reasons for not cutting it are: I kind of like how it looks on me. I don't know what style I want to replace it with. Once it's cut, it takes a good while to grow back. I am afraid I'll regret it. I like how having long hair makes me feel unique and individualistic. Scared my wife won't like it. After all, she fell in love with me, with the same hair I have now. (OM is very different in appearance. He has short hair and is burly. He's probably just playing her. He's that sexy excitement I guess she has been missing, mostly due to my lack of paying attention to her needs and not making her feel special and cherished. I think it's so unfair that such an innocent crime, based on ignorance and inexperience, has such a harsh penalty.)
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
