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Gordie Offline OP
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Mirage--definitely don't want to make a fuss about this, just noting it for our anthropological academic research on MLC

ForGump--heck yeah, I'm definitely taking the inconsistency as a step in the right direction but golly, it sure is strange


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie,

As a reformed MLC'er, yea it's bleepn strange. Were totally nuts in that fog.

Next......


Mirage

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Hey Gordie,

Glad you posted again. I've been thinking about you and wondered how things were going. It sounds like your nice weekend away gave your W more things to reconsider before pushing through that D. Keep up the great work. There definitely seems to be a change in her lately, and I really hope that she continues to be confused until the tide starts to shift your way. Keep doing what you're doing!


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
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Mirage and Bird, thanks for the ongoing insight and support.

Good news: I was afraid because of our weekend my W would want to distance herself this evening or serve me with D papers. Neither happened. W was actually in a good mood and friendly with me, though not touchy.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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OK the D papers can happen, but dreading them cannot be a good way to live. You dwelling on that will not change the fact that she will or won't.However it will affect you and your mental well being. The D papers being served or not being served is a future event that is out of your control.You do not know the outcome of this event. There is a 50% chance it will not happen. Why not be optimistic? If it happens you will be less miserable beforehand, which is not negligible considering you have no idea how long you may wait to know.

Furthermore when we convince ourselves of a certain negative outcome,wwe can inadvertently create a self fulfilling prophesy.

You are not out of the woods yet and it would be foolish to expect that it will all just click back together easily and quickly. But be optimistic that it can happen. Your R with W is damaged but honestly look around here and you will admit, it is better than most here. Focus on the positives. Each good interaction is a reason for W to doubt that D is the answer.Vontinue to build those.

Each evening take a few minutes to review your day and think about positive signs from W. I do this each night when I lay my arm across W. For me it is less obvious to find good interactions/signs but I do. Do not be tempted to keep score with negatives. Forget about them .focus only on the positive. Look for new signs/interactions to appreciate where possible.

I also think you should relook at what you fear about D. Face those fears and remove their power over you.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Jul 2016
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Mirage:

With apology to Gordie for temporarily hijacking his thread...

I'd like to ask you the question, When did you finally give up? (I actually started a separate thread on it).

I see that on your post back in 2011 you asked yourself that question like this: "I am torn at this point between how long to wait and when to move on."

How did you ultimately resolve that question for yourself? I realize the answer is different for everybody. I don't want someone to give me the answer for me, but I do want to hear how others wrestled with this question.

Thanks.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Gordie Offline OP
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Roist: OK the D papers can happen, but dreading them cannot be a good way to live. You dwelling on that will not change the fact that she will or won't. However it will affect you and your mental well being.

Gordie: This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have this dread, this anxiety that she is going to file at any moment. This is a terrible way to live.

Roist: Furthermore when we convince ourselves of a certain negative outcome, we can inadvertently create a self fulfilling prophesy.

Gordie: True.

Roist: You are not out of the woods yet and it would be foolish to expect that it will all just click back together easily and quickly. But be optimistic that it can happen. Your R with W is damaged but honestly look around here and you will admit, it is better than most here.

Gordie: Thanks for the reminder. I know I'm deep in the woods, but I do think we are in a better place than we were a few months ago.

Roist: Focus on the positives. Each good interaction is a reason for W to doubt that D is the answer. Continue to build those. Each evening take a few minutes to review your day and think about positive signs from W. I do this each night when I lay my arm across W. For me it is less obvious to find good interactions/signs but I do.

Gordie: So yesterday, here were the positives: W said going on another trip together would be fun; we productively talked about some challenges we are having with some of the kids; W complimented me on a work related issue; and I gave her a massage before bed.

Roist: Do not be tempted to keep score with negatives. Forget about them. Focus only on the positive. Look for new signs/interactions to appreciate where possible.

Gordie: Wow, I have a lot of improvement to do here. I really do focus on the negative things/interactions, just as much as I do on the positive, if not even more--I dwell on them and replay them in my mind. How do I stop doing this?

Roist: I also think you should relook at what you fear about D. Face those fears and remove their power over you.

Gordie: I wrote down a list of my fears. I did this about a month or so ago and the list had mostly the same fears. But you know what? None of the fears seem as bad as they did. Yes, they are still there, but I'm in a better mental and emotional place.

Roist: Best wishes.

Gordie: Thanks you!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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End of week recap:

Came back from pleasant weekend away and tried to keep expectations at zero in terms of change in R. In fact, expected she may try to distance herself. Instead, we had a weak of continued cycling but noticeably higher highs and higher lows. She continued wearing her ring. She introduced me to someone as her H which hasn't happened since BD. She was pursuing me: texting me, initiating contact, asking to spend time together, complimenting me.

This morning, w said she wanted to talk to me before I leave for the weekend with my kids. I said ok and honestly was anxious about it all day, thinking this could be very good or get bad. We get together and talk for an hour and...nothing. I could tell she was avoiding what she wanted to say. Kids start interrupting asking when we were leaving and we leave.

W texts me and says have a great trip and wished we could have talked more. I think of Jeep's words. Here I am with my hand open. The butterfly keeps dancing around me unsure if it's safe to land.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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Don't stress about what she might say. Put it out of your mind. Enjoy your weekend.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Jun 2015
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I remember those early days and the overt confusion my h showed. This was all before I knew it was MLC so it was massively confusing. I was researching brain tumors.

You have the advantage of knowing this is MLC.

My advice? Say very, very little. Listen. Even if she says the craziest thing try hard not to react verbally or via body language. Try and make it safe for her. (Most likely she won't even remember the nuttiest stuff she says.)

But also, this is where I started to "fake it 'til I make it." Like you I dreaded talks because it was always like some scene from the Twilight Zone. It gave me anxiety. I would try to avoid being alone in rooms with him. When he did corner me to talk I learned to exude physical confidence: look him in the eye, show a calm body demeanor, etc. (Even though internally I was constantly on high alert for the next horrific MLC induced conversation.)

Don't let her see you sweat. In general, the more calm/still I remained, the faster I took myself out of his equation. My h knew he was confused. He said he was. My talking always made things worse because his thinking was not of this world/was so warped by depression.

If she seems stressed and she is showing that she feels like something has to change, (like she wants a d), try to shrug and say "there's no need to rush; you can take your time and think about things. No decision needs to be made this second." Then walk away super calm. The key is take pressure off her and make each interaction calm/neutral. If it seems to stress her out when you say take your time, next time don't say anything.

One other thing I learned from Job? Leave the conversation first. Listen for a bit, get the gist of her message, then politely say you have to go and then go do something productive.

Be upbeat, calm and productive; not just for you, but for your kids. The more you consistently exude quiet confidence, personally, I think the quicker they are forced to realize you aren't their whole problem.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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