Sounds to me like she is just making excuses or whatever. She has no intention of leaving the OM. Just keep that in mind.
Do you know his wife?
Haha. NO. But, would someone who has intentions of returning to the marriage still be involved in an affair?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
why didn't you back off the friendship when you realized that it caused your marriage harm? Why fall on your sword for this when you can set such an example?
Do you really see zero double standards here?
This is not being a doormat. You don't have to "Break up" with your bff. Just withdraw for now. Are you clear about what you are standing for and now defending?
I'm sure this will not be easy but it sure isn't complicated. Did you read Kaizen's post to you carefully?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So, according to you two I should give up this friendship all while my WW is continuing to talk to and see the OM.
No. Why would you do that?
As I said in my post, I would have stopped the conversation as soon as she said that she was unwilling to cease contact with OM. Regardless of the state of their relationship now, if she could not go NC, then there wasnt anything else to discuss. So no, I dont see why you would go NC with your friend if she is still talking to OM.
Originally Posted By: Laowai
I don't think it is fair to give up a 27 year friendship that I have meticulously groomed now to be conducive to ANY relationship that I may have, just because my WW is having a tantrum because I am asking her to give up an 8 month AFFAIR RELATIONSHIP. It's not about scorecard.
So, you are judging that your relationship with your friend is more important than your relationship with her. Why are you the only judge of what is 'fair'? Why is her giving up her relationship with OM 'fair' but you ending the relationship with your friend is 'unfair'?
From your own words, you said both relationships did harm to your marriage. Why do you think that only one should have to end?
Sounds to me like she is just making excuses or whatever. She has no intention of leaving the OM. Just keep that in mind.
Do you know his wife?
Haha. NO. But, would someone who has intentions of returning to the marriage still be involved in an affair?
I would never dream of reading someone's mind. Especially someone not here posting.
It's easy to see similarities in our situations and then, in an attempt to protect someone from our own pain, project our own stories onto theirs.
There is a shifting blurry line between empathy and projection. I often have to make a real effort to avoid that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sounds to me like she is just making excuses or whatever. She has no intention of leaving the OM. Just keep that in mind.
Do you know his wife?
Haha. NO. But, would someone who has intentions of returning to the marriage still be involved in an affair?
I would never dream of reading someone's mind. Especially someone not here posting.
It's easy to see similarities in our situations and then, in an attempt to protect someone from our own pain, project our own stories onto theirs.
There is a shifting blurry line between empathy and projection. I often have to make a real effort to avoid that.
Its not mind reading and no where did I say that. Once again, if someone is involved in an affair, then how can they also be invested in fixing a marriage? Is there something I am missing?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
why didn't you back off the friendship when you realized that it caused your marriage harm? Why fall on your sword for this when you can set such an example?
Do you really see zero double standards here?
This is not being a doormat. You don't have to "Break up" with your bff. Just withdraw for now. Are you clear about what you are standing for and now defending?
I'm sure this will not be easy but it sure isn't complicated. Did you read Kaizen's post to you carefully?
I didnt know that it was causing harm until some serious self reflection after my WW moved out. Then I worked with my counselor on it. I don't see the double standard. I never put him before her, I never slept or had a romantic relationship with him, I never left her for him...these are 2 separate worlds. Thanks for your opinion though, I really do appreciate it.
So, according to you two I should give up this friendship all while my WW is continuing to talk to and see the OM.
No. Why would you do that?
As I said in my post, I would have stopped the conversation as soon as she said that she was unwilling to cease contact with OM. Regardless of the state of their relationship now, if she could not go NC, then there wasnt anything else to discuss. So no, I dont see why you would go NC with your friend if she is still talking to OM.
Originally Posted By: Laowai
I don't think it is fair to give up a 27 year friendship that I have meticulously groomed now to be conducive to ANY relationship that I may have, just because my WW is having a tantrum because I am asking her to give up an 8 month AFFAIR RELATIONSHIP. It's not about scorecard.
So, you are judging that your relationship with your friend is more important than your relationship with her. Why are you the only judge of what is 'fair'? Why is her giving up her relationship with OM 'fair' but you ending the relationship with your friend is 'unfair'?
From your own words, you said both relationships did harm to your marriage. Why do you think that only one should have to end?
^^This is what I am talking about. I am not stating that I would be unwilling to give up said friendship if we both had a mutual discussion and agreed it was what was best for OUR relationship. However, I don't even think it is fair to be on the table while OM is still in the picture...I ABSOLUTELY WOULD CONSIDER ENDING ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT WE FEEL HARMFUL TO OUR MARRIAGE.......IF WE HAVE A MARRIAGE. However, I believe that ending the friendship now in THIS CONVENIENT AND COINCIDENTAL context is absurd.
At best I would only offer to discuss the issue of the friend after she begins NC with OM, has remorse for what she did and is committed to repairing the M. Short of that what is the point?
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
At best I would only offer to discuss the issue of the friend after she begins NC with OM, has remorse for what she did and is committed to repairing the M. Short of that what is the point?
I'm not sure I'll ever get that. Actually she has boldly stated that she is NOT remorseful and won't apologize for doing something just because society says it's wrong. She's "tired of living by societies standards".
Actually she has boldly stated that she is NOT remorseful and won't apologize for doing something just because society says it's wrong. She's "tired of living by societies standards".
Good grief. Well, there you go.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
