Thanks for your support and your words. Though some of it has been hard to take in I will admit.
If she has had an affair then I guess that would be it for us. But, I really don't know and it's killing me. Why are you going to the "if she had an affair then..."??
There is no evidence of an A but you admit you have a temper problem and other problems you say she listed, but you didn't write them out. I see zero value in putting your focus off yourself.
A bad temper is a big deal. It's a solid reason for a woman to leave a m, without having an affair. Not to mention she's holing up at her mom's now, not elsewhere.
What are you doing to address your temper issue? Have you sought out counseling for it? Did either of your parents have a temper?
Regardless of what happens to your m, controlling your temper is required of a healthy strong man. Strong men are in control of themselves, and don't try to control others.
In case your w does turn her head, it'll be far more likely to arouse her curiosity if she learns that you really are changing, not just promising to.
This^^ is something you CAN do.
And if she doesn't love me or isn't 'in love' with me that means she never did or was. I don't know what could be a worst feeling. This^^ is plain old incorrect. And it's not healthy AND it keeps the focus on her and the past, and prevents you from working on the one person you can affect, YOU.
WORK ON YOU and stay in your sandbox. Tell us the other issues you are trying to address.
Tell us what your w would say if she were here?
They say if you love someone let them go, if they return, they are yours, if they don't, they never were. These words keep resonating with me at the moment.
After my long emotional message on Sunday-which she read but did not reply to-I've gone dark. Is her silence my response? I suppose I'm still hopeful that she is taking time, that perhaps her heart will soften. Am I doing the right thing for now? I really have no idea.
Well, have you read any of the books?
Why not start there? The first chapter is in Cadet's first post to you.
What we say will make a ton more sense and yes there is hope. But you DO need to DO somethings. Not just wait and hope and repeat.
And the historical reviews and second guessing are not helping you at all.
Be here now. (Notice that Exploiting your fears about affairs or questioning everything you had, coincidentally avoids you doing your own work. )
From your post it's clear you two discussed your temper and other issues she raised with you, before.
Presumably you promised her you'd change. And then what?
How will you address this differently now?
Just, people do separate and they do reconcile. It is possible. But no woman will return to the same marriage she left.
Give her a new different vision of how the marriage will be different, b/c you are different.
And if you think she has issues to work on, table them for now.
She's not here trying to save the m. You are.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She may seem happy now, but it won't last. I am a little further out in terms of the cycle. My told me immediately after the BD that he felt giddy (although I was in utter despair at the time and he knew it). He kept posting stuff about how happy he was. Fast forward several months since I kicked him out and it is now over a year from BD. Now he posts stuff that shows how unhappy he is. He is sending my kids weepy texts asking them to contact him. Looks can be deceiving.
People are telling you to GAL because the only way to make the pain subside is to have other things to focus on. Truly work on being genuinely happy. GAL doesn't mean that you are giving up on her. Who knows, maybe you will be back with her someday. Maybe you won't. The next 6 months, year, whatever will go by no matter what you do. Six months from now do you still want to be stuck and mad at yourself for not moving forward or do you want to be living a happier life?
And that's what really upsets me. W can't remember my good points or any good times. It seems to hard-hearted and unfair.
We could have parted on lot better terms than what she has done. I fail to make sense of it. It is devoid of compassion or love.
Point taken on reaching out to common friends. I do feel that sadly folks know as no one wished us on our wedding anniversary on FB. Is that just a coincidence? My gut doesn't think so. Nevertheless, my aim was to just let them know my side and the W ended things. But, I guess no one really cares about me in this otherwise someone would've have sent at least a message to say they're sorry that this is happening.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
And that's what really upsets me. W can't remember my good points or any good times. It seems to hard-hearted and unfair.
Understand that. Same here, my friend. Same here. My ex doesn't remember any, either. Just what she chooses to blame me for.
Quote:
Nevertheless, my aim was to just let them know my side and the W ended things. But, I guess no one really cares about me in this otherwise someone would've have sent at least a message to say they're sorry that this is happening.
I thought the same thing, but it fell on death ears. I would suggest keeping friends and others who don't need to know out of it. Sorry you are going through this. I really am. You will find that she will spin things so much they may not believe you, at all. If you find yourself defending yourself too much, then that's not fun. That's why I just stay away and if asked, I answer. Besides, that's the higher road...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I read your points a few times and you are correct on a lot of fronts - if not all.
My W would tell you I have had quick temper, been too critical, not appreciative enough and not had too much of a social life outside of her and our common friends.
What I can also say hand on heart that as soon as she returned home after the separation I put every bit of my soul to show her that I am changing on all those fronts - and she saw them. We were getting somewhere and all it needed was time. That what's she has cut short. 'Too late', 'You had five years', etc.
I will still work on those issues and continue to do so until I conquer them all. It just breaks my heart that she may not see the ways in which I will be a better man. For me. For her. For us.
Regarding the book - does this is help when the W is full speed ahead on the D train? I got the feeling that it is more relevant when we both are under the same roof.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I needed to speak to a couple of them for something completely unrelated. Talk about bad timing! But, do you think that should be OK? Just not mention it or bring up the current state of affairs.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I really hope that ends up being true. I really do. That she misses me, remembers me, feels me. But, at this stage it doesn't look like she cares one bit. Not even a message to see if I am alive or dead! No compassion. No love. Absolutely nothing.
TBH, I feel that she doesn't love me anymore. And rather than tell me to my face. She is showing me. She is trying to kill my love for her. So I give up and walk away. This has truly been on my mind for the last couple of days.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Jbroken, Hello! although my story is slightly different, it is the same in some aspects. I relate to your pain. my H dropped the "ive been unhappy for a long time" bomb on me last week. he wants to work on things but is fearful that the spark won't come back. He "loves me" but not "in love" with me. I'm a great person, Im loving, passionate, caring, but not "compatible" with him anymore. we are still living together, but its extremely awkward. I posted in the newcomers forum if you are interested in my story- I like that there is a lot of support here, it gives me hope and Im going to be buying the book also. keep your head up, there is hope. I'm holding on to that notion as well.
Don't give her this much power. I promise you that my H said worse things than probably anyone on here. He told me that my 25 years of dedication almost killed him. He told me that he hated me again and again. He said that we should have dated two weeks and broken up (after 25 years of marriage). He told me he would rather be affectionate with anyone in the world but me. He told me that no one else would have put up with me. He put on FB that some mistakes you never stop paying for (the kids did not love that one). On and on.
Saturday he posted a poem about a husband and father who longs to return home. WTF?
These people are not in their right minds. They do not know what they want. I wish I had not wasted months begging and pleading and telling him what he was giving up. I wish I had done only 180s, gone dark, given him time and space, moved on faster. Only now am I feeling some power from leaving him alone and making him come to me. I pursued him for years and pushed him further and further away. I neglected myself and my kids and spent all my energy on him.
Take your power. Let her experience that life she thinks she has been missing and how wonderful it is. Until she does, it will always be some missed opportunity, some nagging doubt. This is your chance to prove to yourself that you can live without her. Every single day it gets easier.
