Letting the Cards Fall

[Kyh]

I've been thinking about this. Idk how much more limited our contact will be. The kids are young but then we're into teenage things, college, grandkids, etc. it will never stop. But that's thinking too far ahead.

I've stopped w/pictures of the kids and anything else I miss sharing w her. Only necessary things. We have an agreement for Wednesday nights and I have them Saturdays. So contact twice a week minimum.

Tonight she sent me a meme after work. I texted back another minimal text recognizing it but not over friendly.

I also think her response last week was her guilt. I think she was trying to get me upset to justify herself. I just found out she signed our papers last week.

Strangely, most of the time when she is here whatever I'm feeling melts away for the moment, but sometimes not, like Monday before last. And other times it comes back to bite me later. More work for me I guess.

[Kyh]

Thinking about this more and your post yesterday. I should be grateful I even have this problem. My custody issue could've gone the other way, then I was in the right frame of mind not to take the kids from her or her from them. More work for me but things will get better.

[bttrfly]

Hi Kyh. Exh and I would talk and text regularly through the day. If I didn't check in with him, he would check in with me. That silence was something that was hard to get used to once he left. We would send something funny to each other or share something about our son or the pets. That one was tough for me for a long while.

You will be surprised at how easy it is when the kids are teens to have almost NC. But you're a little ways from that now. How about putting a photo sharing page up on google or somewhere else where you can each store photos of the kids and each have the personal responsibility to check the site for updates. That way you will not feel like either of you is missing anything, but you also won't have to be in direct contact. Make sense?

I went through a phase where I didn't want to be home when son got picked up or dropped off. Lately I've been staying close to son until he leaves then I go out. As for drop off, I'm usually doing my own thing. If I'm home when he comes in great, but if I'm out doing something I'm not going to race home and wait by the door for exh to drop off the boy.

It's different for you because your kids can't be unattended like a 17 year old. It's a balancing act of trying to be polite/cordial for the kids' sake but also protecting yourself. I think that if you just sit quietly and wait the answers will come.

Yes. Things will get better and easier over time. To me you are someone who is working hard to live an authentic life, putting the wellbeing of your children first, being kind and compassionate. That is admirable and will lead you to a happier circumstance. xoxoxoxo

[Kyh]

Thank you bttrfly. I feel like I'm doing well w/the contact but there are just those times when it's too much and I need a break.

Tonight W texted me a Zillow link to her grandparents old house w/a crying emoji. It made me step back and look at this. Her grandmother died 9 years ago and her grandfather died 7 years ago, just a couple days before our D was born so she didn't get to go to his funeral, etc. W was his little girl, he took care of her amidst chaos and they were really close. Her grandparents basically raised her until she was an early teen. In hindsight I really think that is when this all may have started. So many changes for us a this time.

I feel bad for her, obviously she's spinning if she's looking up their old house. I looked at it and texted back that I was sorry but that it looked like someone had put some hard work into it, that I thought her grandparents would like to see it how it was now and that I hoped it was being appreciated. She replied "I hope so too." Idk, I didn't have much to post about tonight but this one really struck me w/a glimpse of what's going on in her mind.

[Kyh]

Edit: in hindsight, I think this is when this may have started - referring to her grandfather's death.

[bttrfly]

and don't discount the possibility of post partum depression playing a part as well.
xoxoxo

[Kyh]

Bttrfly, In hindsight I think it is also a factor. My mom asked me about it a few years ago and I blindly brushed it off. There's a podcast I listen to and one of the hosts talks about her ppd a lot and it always reminds me of W.

Rough couple days I will probably post about later but letting it go and going to enjoy my kids this weekend. Getting ready to leave town for the weekend and wanted to hop on the board and wish everyone a happy Easter!

[bttrfly]

{{{{{Kyh}}}}} Happy Easter xoxoxo

[Kyh]

Thank you butterfly! I hope yours was good. I know it was tough, our bd anniversaries are close. Why do they all pick important dates?

I apologize if I dont get back to some other threads tonight, I try to read through everyone's but needed to journal tonight.

We had a good Easter, the kids had a great time and the kids played w/cousins they dont get to see often. It's amazing how they just pick up were they last left off.

Last week I had a rough night, kids started telling me things out of the blue. First they were asking me questions about an outing w/om confusing me w/him. Ughh..... But then they told me they went to a hockey game (w hates hockey) w/our friend's (who was killed in the accident) ex and told me they went to his house and played Xbox w/ their kid. This guy is a POS, il say it, because that's what I think of him. Our friend had terrible taste in men, she used to stay w/W and I and I heard a lot of her problems although she wasn't innocent. I met This guy for guy for literally 30 seconds, our friends introduced us and I saw him looking down w's top while making an inappropriate comment and yanked W away by the arm. Our friend was very embarrassed. Months later She was later crying about him to us as he got a hooker in Vegas (keeping that story short) and treated her like s***. Now W is hanging w/him (this was around Christmas) and Idk what exactly what it all was but it made me want to puke hearing that and I had to stop my mind from from running w/it. My stomach literally was in knots for a couple days. I had a good cry which hasn't happened in a long time and ended up screaming in a pillow. I'm embarrassed but omg I have to get that out. Disgusting...just gross and idk even know what it was.

The next morning I was struggling the keep it together but getting better and letting it go and just before leaning to take the kids to school I turn around to catch S kick one of the dogs right in the mouth. I snapped and yelled, then S ran over and hit me. I had to stop and regroup, I can't believe to s is all happening. I talked w/S about it but he said it was all about school. We talked shortly but had to leave.

I took away video games all weekend. I also read a lot about video game addictions and autism and I'm changing things up. We're struggling.

W came over that night to see kids before we left. She took them for ice cream that night but before she left I told her what happened. She asked why he was acting out and what was wrong. I'm wanted to shake her and ask wth do you think but kept it together. I think deep in she knows.

We went back to my parents and had a good Easter weekend. The kids had fun playing w/cousins and saw great grandparents and my parents. I had a few rough moments but did okay.

Tonight D is in tub and loses it, she won't stop,crying. She keeps telling me it's unfair S is watching cartoons w/o her. After telling her several times she can get out and watch to she tells me "I don't want to die." I immediately got down on her level and asked her what was going on. She didn't/wouldn't bring up dying again but I dropped it and she said "I want to be with my mommy and daddy together." We hugged so hard and she clung on me like a boa the rest of the night. I laid w/them in my bed until they fell asleep. I told the kids I loved them no matter what and I always want to be w/them. It was so sad, I cried but didn't let them see. I didn't know what to say w/o villifying W. They indirectly tell me they want to be here w/me but also miss her and want her too.

This weekend w asked about the dogs before leaving. I told her I was taking all three and she said she wanted her dog. I agreed to leave him but she was texting the morning we left. I told her I left him but that he was upset when we left and she could stay w/him if she wanted. She gave me a lol, and said she was taking him to get apt. She showed up 5 minutes after we got back yesterday. It was obvious she stayed here all weekend (pants left beside my bed, coffee in the machine, dirty dishes, cold soda stream on the counter, cigarette butts in the driveway, Netflix, etc.) but she said nothing. I could also tell she was in my dresser. Idk wth... I didn't say anything about it.

[HaWho]

KYH - I am sorry. It's always hard to watch the impact of this on the kids.

I don't really have any advice except to keep showering them with love and affection.

Over time they will learn they can lean on you in hard times. Keep being their rock.