Do any of you know what to think if I have been really nice and all of a sudden she becomes very short and insensitive? Maybe I should stop being nice.. im just being polite not doing favors or anything.
Being kind does not mean being a doormat. I cannot think of a time when Not being kind would help you.
You say you are not doing favors, just being polite. Fine. Good. OR are you saying you are only being polite as a tactic to get a reaction from her?
and now you want to be nasty to prove...what?? How could that possibly help?
Don't confuse kindness with weakness, or rude behavior with healthy boundaries.
You are only in charge of your behavior. Stop hoping your choices will change hers. That's just manipulation, and you have a short timeline for when you expect her to change in reaction to you. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Make your choices to be a man only a fool would leave, a man of strength and honor.
And turn the rest over to God (as you understand him). Let go of the results.
When you know in your heart that you are the man you were meant to be, hold your head high and be at peace.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Okay, slow this train down. Both you and your W agreed to leave the house and one of you would spend a number of nights with the children. Is this correct? Were you both calling this arrangement a separation, or putting things in a holding pattern for a while......or what did you call the arrangement?
Quote:
The plan is to stay home on her nights with the kids. I am questioning the coach on if it makes sense to ask her sbout a parrnting plan and then allof a sudden staying home. Or do I just make this all one conversation? It doesnt make sense to listen to someones views and then turn around and tell them you are not leaving at all. Seems contradicting, but I think the coach sidnt want me to make the every night in bed move until Inreport back what she say
Well yes, I agree that those actions could appear contradictive.
If I recall correctly, I also said you were not ready to march into your house and announce that you were reclaiming the MBR. Remember timing? Plus, if you agreed to the current arrangements, and then asked your W to offer her views of a longer-term parenting plan......or whatever (I assumed this arrangement was the parenting plan).......and after giving her thoughts she discovers you are refusing to leave the MBR..........wow! I think you need to be fully prepared for a sh't storm. Maybe that's not a problem for you, however, based on your fear, conflict avoidance and passivity, I am concerned that you see taking this action as a magical solution that will all fall into place. It is not! It takes a great deal of courage.
Here is what you need to see. You and your coach were discussing the plan of action you would take, correct? And, like most people, you throw out fishing lines to see what others think, too. That is fine, as long as you don't jump off into something more dramatic than you can currently handle. First, learn the whats, whys, hows, & therefores.
Remember asking this:
Quote:
I read what you wrote on another thread about how a man should never give ip the marital bed or home. Stand my ground. Is there other reasons besides that?
Okay, so I explained the importance and symbolism of the faithful spouse (especially the H) remaining in the MBR. Some others joined in with their thoughts, too. The next thing I know, you are talking about the plan to reclaim the MBR, and you are questioning your coach. I don't know what has been discussed with your coach. Perhaps you can have the talk with your W that coach suggested (and did s/he suggest it or did you ask about having the discussion), then report back to coach and get advice on the next move. IMHO, it appears as confusion for you b/c it sounds somewhat contradictive to your ears when receiving so much information at once. Instead of contradiction, maybe you can see how you would pace some of your actions.
Even when doing the right action, the timing makes all the difference. So, think more on what you want to do, and weigh the pros & cons for your situation. That's MHO.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah well I have already stated that I wont move from the house and it wasnt quite a [censored] storm. She cried and said she could never be with me.
I just said that this is my home too and that I should be able to be here. We have no parenting plan But we have been acting separated partially. I am most worri d above all how it is perceived that I move out of my own home for her affair and divorce.
M-41, W-38 M - 6.5 years
12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS) 1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
Yeah well I have already stated that I wont move from the house and it wasnt quite a [censored] storm. She cried and said she could never be with me.
I just said that this is my home too and that I should be able to be here. We have no parenting plan But we have been acting separated partially. I am most worri d above all how it is perceived that I move out of my own home for her affair and divorce.
is that a legal concern or what?
Are you planning to use her affair as grounds for the divorce you don't want?
Whose perception of you moving out, are you worried about?
Finally, make sure your DB coach has all of the information they need to advise you. I am very uncomfortable being asked to counter their suggestions,
or be part of a poll. I do understand your desire to fix this. I really do get that.
Just remember the oft used phrase here, "this is a marathon, not a sprint."
Sadly, there are no quick fixes. And there are certainly no painless ones.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She said she has been unhapy for a long time. Not much ch I can do about that. I cant change the past. And I cant make her stay.
True. It's a hard important lesson.
Have you explored why she was unhappy? (IF and when you do, don't argue with her perceptions. They are hers. Just make sure you understand them.)
Of all the reasons she lists, some will be real only to her and some will be painfully valid even in your eyes.
That's^^ where you start your own work. Meaning, let's say she was really hurt that you never wanted to spend Thanksgiving in the mountains.
Because you prefer the ocean and b/c you didn't know it meant so much to her OR b/c you were selfish, etc.
So, start camping out in the mountains with the kids. Learn to enjoy camping and let it show.
If she said you were "always late", you become Mr. Punctual. You are NOT late again. In fact, you now Arrive early.
Counter the negatives she felt, and do not fuel them with more of the same.
Undermine the "bad data" she has, so that she realizes either it was not accurate then AND OR you have changed. Her data about you is no longer valid. In other words,
yes you can change.
Who knows? Maybe you will become the man she always wanted you to become.
Then the choice for a divorce and all the costs of it and all the pain,
may not have the same appeal it has when you are fueling her negative images.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She is pretty set on filing soon. And I am honestly having serious half heartedness about it all. She is trying to force me to move.. cornering me into conversations now.. Divorce busting is a powerful thing, but at some point you have to really think about what are you trying to save...
Hard work for sure, I have tremendous respect for anyone who has made it. But if she files and does it there is jothing you can do.. Im just trying to protect myself legally now.. too many legal threats
M-41, W-38 M - 6.5 years
12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS) 1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
She has agreed to sleep on the couch. That works. I am going tomtalk to my attorney tomorrow to start legal protection. Saving the marriage is great but first I must protect myself. If it can't be saved then its unfortunate but I will be no good to my children and myself if I give her all this leverage.
Still GAL and focus on my kids... its her choice, I am only trying to influence it. Standing up to her felt good, its been a long time. I was calm through all her threats and personal attacks.
M-41, W-38 M - 6.5 years
12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS) 1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
She has agreed to sleep on the couch. That works. I am going tomtalk to my attorney tomorrow to start legal protection. Saving the marriage is great but first I must protect myself. I understand. Just so you know, the 2 are not mutually exclusive.
If it can't be saved then its unfortunate but I will be no good to my children and myself if I give her all this leverage.
What "leverage"? You mean legally? See your lawyer and figure out what really matters; And remember that there is a difference between healthy boundaries/protecting yourself
and false pride/ego. But sometimes it's a very fine & shifting line. Believe me, I know.
Still GAL and focus on my kids... its her choice, I am only trying to influence it. Standing up to her felt good, its been a long time. I was calm through all her threats and personal attacks.
in disputes, the person who remains calm is far more powerful than the one who "loses" their self control. In the heat of the moment it's easy to forget that. But it is true.
Good luck. And just so you know - remarrying a former spouse isn't rare. I have 2 family members who did just that, but it was a few years before they had cooled off and grown...and I doubt either of them expected it, at the time they divorced.
Keep up the good work.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She has agreed to sleep on the couch. That works. I am going tomtalk to my attorney tomorrow to start legal protection. Saving the marriage is great but first I must protect myself. If it can't be saved then its unfortunate but I will be no good to my children and myself if I give her all this leverage.
Still GAL and focus on my kids... its her choice, I am only trying to influence it. Standing up to her felt good, its been a long time. I was calm through all her threats and personal attacks.
Good for you! Protecting yourself is your first and foremost thing. The personal attacks will get worse, especially in court.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
