WW wife turned WA what to do? Sandi2 anyone?

[75Shade]

25year, I'm afraid that attempting to assert myself in the house will push her to divorce. We haven't said anything about it in a about 10 days. Or asking her these questions will bring the divorce convo back to the table.

[Vanilla]

I am unsure it needs a conversation. Only action and boundaries.

If what you are doing is working then that's ok. Do that which works.

Great job

V

[75Shade]

25years, thanks. She is telling her friends its over but hasnt filed. This is a pretty critical time right now. Sometimes she is nice and today now she is a little cold.

I have no leg to stand on for demands.

[sandi2]

Nobody has said you should demand anything.

[Wonka]

Hiya,

Making demands and being assertive are two completely separate concepts. One can be assertive without being demanding. Hence the boundaries for your own protection. Do you now see the difference here? Another piece of advice would be to lose that fear...FAST! Fear keeps people staying stuck.

[75Shade]

Yeah, fear [censored]. I developed it from making too many mistakes in the beginning.

So I guess what Inwill do first is have a conversation with her per the coaches request. Ask her what her parenting plan is if we are living apart..

Report back to the coach and then Stop leaving on her kid nights

The coach seems to think I need to listen and only agree or accept her opinion. No rebuttals or negative speak. Earn some points for listening.

Im trying to make a plan. Listening to alot of people with different opinions. The coach said I was crazy to move out....and I was fear talking about her reaction.


Lots to learn

[25yearsmlc]

Yeah, fear [censored]. I developed it from making too many mistakes in the beginning.

So I guess what Inwill do first is have a conversation with her per the coaches request. Ask her what her parenting plan is if we are living apart..

Report back to the coach and then Stop leaving on her kid nights


So that I am clear, are you saying that you will stay in the home on her nights with the kids?

I don't disagree. Still, I'm curious, does she normally have the kids on her own, or are you the type of dad to help with them a lot?
In other words, is being on her own with the kids and making dinner and cleaning up later and helping with homework and putting them to bed, without help, anything new for her?

The coach seems to think I need to listen and only agree or accept her opinion. No rebuttals or negative speak. Earn some points for listening.


Yes. Listening better will never hurt your cause, and it may be a great way to counter her negative images of you. Plus, it shows you are capable of change, so that her view that you'll "never change" is pretty impossible to maintain.

Second, another reason to listen more, is b/c the more you challenge her choices, the more she will defend them.

No one gets "persuaded" into staying married, with words.

Im trying to make a plan. Listening to alot of people with different opinions. The coach said I was crazy to move out....and I was fear talking about her reaction.


Lots to learn

1) the coach and most or all of the DBers support the DB coach, and he is the DB coach, so who exactly is telling you differently?

2) make a plan for HOW you will behave, while staying

3) re your fear...do you agree that the FEAR is not serving you or your interests?

What can you DO to deal with that?

How did you handle your discomfort in the past? How did she handle disagreements?

FYI, Not many people "like" conflict. Think about it.

So, To an extent we are all conflict avoidant. However we know that conflict resolution is the only real way of being happily married.

Learning conflict resolution is mandatory - no matter what happens to your marriage.

Maybe that can be part of your plan...?

[75Shade]

25years-

The plan is to stay home on her nights with the kids. I am questioning the coach on if it makes sense to ask her sbout a parrnting plan and then allof a sudden staying home. Or do I just make this all one conversation? It doesnt make sense to listen to someones views and then turn around and tell them you are not leaving at all. Seems contradicting, but I think the coach sidnt want me to make the every night in bed move until Inreport back what she says.


she is used to handling both kids by herself. She is prettynorganized. she has spent many nights alone because of my work. But she says she never had a problem with that..

I didn't do alot of activities in the past but now I take them to church and take carenof them all the time.

I dont persuade her, I am just co existing in peace.

1) I feel like moving into the bednon my nights off is going to contradict asking her about the parenting plan.

2) my plan is just to be nice and cordial. Help with the kids, offer occasional help and invite or include here and there to test the water. But still remain dark. And not chase Or talk relationship stuff.

3) I agree fear is worthless. My confidence gets better over time. I have always stuck up to her in the past.. I know its a worthless trait. What good isnit to be together and scared to speak your mind or express your concerns or view.

In the past disagreements were difficult to solve. She communicates poorly and often changed the subject to avoid conflict.. this is my beef with the marriage.

Conflict resolution and communication would make me so happy if we were to get to the point of piecing..for her I need to work on my negativity and my i terpersonal relationships. And having a life outside of the marriage.....she says I got too family oriented I lost myself which is not attractive..

[75Shade]

Do any of you know what to think if I have been really nice and all of a sudden she becomes very short and insensitive? Maybe I should stop being nice.. im just being polite not doing favors or anything.

[leahsue]

I think detachment is the key here. Not being nice, or not nice. Detached like she is a guest, like you would treat me or someone else sitting in your kitchen. Polite is not going to save your marriage. The more polite you are, the more you are likely to see cold and indifferent from her. It bites, but unfortunately the same behaviors are reported all over this board. There's just nothing you can do but let go. Hang in there! You've got this.