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Why do you think she is embarrassed and ashamed?

I suggest that what you have seen as softening in your W, is due to the fact the fighting has ceased and you are not pressuring her to change her mind........ and she thinks you are moving out and she'll have the house. Also, she could sense you pulling away, and her basic instinct is to pull you back. This is not unusual responses for someone who believes they are getting what they want, without fighting tooth & nail to get it. It is very common for a wayward wife to use her H as a backup plan......just in case things with OM doesn't work out, or if she can't make it on her own. These are negatives that may first appear as small positive signs to the hopeful H.

I base this opinion more on common behaviors seen in this type of stitch, and not neccessarily just yours. I could be wrong about yours.......and I hope I am. It would be helpful to know how she treated you before engaging in an affair. Did she openly show signs of disrespect for you, through her speech and tone of voice, facial expressions and posturing, put downs, defiance, etc.?

IMHO, I think you should remain in the home.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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75Shade Offline OP
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Sandi2,
Im not positive she is embarrassed or ashamed but knowing her she likes to portray she is perfect.

I am pretty sure it started about 3 months into her emotional affair. I don't remember having any major issues of fallout and disrespect till recently. Just issues with me not spending enough time on her social events. She really got mean about4 months before I caught her. Her aunt and cousins said she was mean to me at family events. Critical and Judgemental. And she always tried to accuse me of lying, and tried to get me to go out with my friends when she was going out. Like she wanted me to have an affair.

I read what you wrote on another thread about how a man should never give ip the marital bed or home. Stand my ground. Is there other reasons besides that?

I was thinking if she leaves then she has to get stuck portraying that to the children. I really feel like I am accepting the burden of her behavior. It feels wrong.


M-41, W-38
M - 6.5 years

12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS)
1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
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Quote:
about how a man should never give ip the marital bed or home. Stand my ground. Is there other reasons besides that?


Because it the marital bed - the bed shared by you two as a married couple. By choosing to leave the marriage, she is also leaving the marital bed. You, however, did not leave the marriage and should not leave the room.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Quote:
about how a man should never give ip the marital bed or home. Stand my ground. Is there other reasons besides that?


Because it the marital bed - the bed shared by you two as a married couple. By choosing to leave the marriage, she is also leaving the marital bed. You, however, did not leave the marriage and should not leave the room.

There are legal reasons too.

Consult a lawyer before you do it.


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75Shade Offline OP
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I understand the symbolism of the marital bed. But what does it matter to a WW? It seems no different than me trying to shove the wedding vows in her face... Is it a battle that will ever lead to success? Or is it just putting pressure on them, warning respect?

Heck, I am not even wearing my wedding ring, should I be? Does that have the same symbolic affect?


M-41, W-38
M - 6.5 years

12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS)
1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
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I also want to say that I called a DB counselor to try and get some direction. I feel guilty that I wasnt more patient. They told me I should sit down with her and offer an opportunity to give her opinion of a parrnting plan for the kids while Inam living elsewhere. Make her opinion feel valued... and then end the conversation and report back. Im a bit scared to do this.


M-41, W-38
M - 6.5 years

12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS)
1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
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Hi 75,

Sorry you are here buddy. This is tough road you find yourself on. But you can come out the other side of this as a better person. It will take a lot of work but if you do it, you will be a better man for it.

If your W is not apologizing, expressing remorse or asking to go to MC, then she IS a WW. It doesn't matter if she is still seeing OM or not. She still has the WW mindset. She has got to hit rock bottom before she can begin to come out of her fog.

Do not leave the house. If it comes to D, this could be seen as abandonment with the kids and you don't want that. Do NOT leave the house and in fact, get your butt back in the MBR. SHE is the one that stepped outside of the M so let her be the one to move out or sleep on the couch. You may not have been the perfect husband but you have done nothing that should see you leaving the MBR or your house. Your W may lose her mind and go ballistic on you when you tell her you are not leaving the house and when you start sleeping in the MBR but tough. That's her problem. She can leave it she doesn't like it.

You can not do ANYTHING that will make things easier on her. Let her sit in the $h!t pile that SHE created.

Next, you have to start working on you. You've already identified a few things you need to work on and I already see you taking positive steps (cutting back on work, GAL). Become the best 75 you can be and knock it out of the park when it comes to being a Dad.

Your W was not happy about something in your M that made her decide that having an A was a good idea. That stuff has to be fixed. You can begin working on fixing those things even while she is wayward. Even if she moves out, there will be times that you will have to interact with her and she WILL see the new you IF you do the work to make changes in your life.

I recommend you get a consult with an attorney so that you know what your rights are. Also consider separating your finances. Dont "steal" from the family pot but from this point forward, you should look to protect yourself financially. Get advice from the attorney on this too.

Do you know if OM is M?


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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75Shade Offline OP
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LiM, thanks for the support. She apologized a couple times but I think it was more like pity because at one point I was depressed about the kids. Im not sure, she has never been good at apologies.

But for sure she has said she wants a D but so have I. No one has filed. I feel like its all about $$$. . Timing isnt right..

The other man was single. A friend of a friend and a Sheriff...

My mother keeps helping with the kids when they are sick. It drives me crazy. Enabler..


M-41, W-38
M - 6.5 years

12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS)
1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 48
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75Shade Offline OP
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I want to make it clear to everyone. I don't want a divorce. I was fear talking in the past. I've hardened substantially since then. I've made some strategic mistakes because I didn't do any homework. It caught me off guard like lightning strike.


M-41, W-38
M - 6.5 years

12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS)
1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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Just slow things down. Take your time and put your focus on you. You need to emotionally detach from her and not let her turn your life upside down. Take a deep breath. Try to relax.
When you are around her, be upbeat and positive even though you are hurting on the inside. Dont let her pull you into her mess. Learn to be OK on your own.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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