HI Everyone. Brand new here but have been reading for 2 months. Been married for 6.5 years. have 2 kids 6 and 2. Found out in Dec 2016 wife was having an affair with a Sheriff. She told me she wanted to work on it. We went through all the Christmas stuff but I was too hurt and she didn't want to do counseling. She told me it was only emotional. In January I find out it was physical and going on for 9 months. She had been rebellious and secretive. Attacking me about everything for months. She told me he was her shining star, etc. She treated me terribly after this and said she wished she would have taken it to the grave. Turns out her mother told her she had an affair on her step father when they were young and just disclosed this to her at the same time this affair started.
Anyways she was pretty mad I didn't keep it a secret. And we went on for about 6 weeks where she wouldn't go to counseling. We went to 2 sessions and then did a private session. She said after the private session that she didn't want to go anymore. Her mother told me because the counselor told her it wouldn't be the best choice for the children.
I asked her to be open about where she was going and to clean up her social media. But then later I got upset and said I wanted a divorce and she agreed. We went about 2-3 weeks planning everything and then I woke up one morning and felt this new found energy. I text her and asked if she wanted to still divorce and she said yes. I told her I cant change your mind but you wont change my values. And I left it at that. Ever since I have been sticking to Sandi's list of ways to handle WW. She told me she wanted to now pause on selling our properties. But hasn't said she wants to work on it. I don't think she is still seeing the other man now. I can just tell because she is not dressing up as much or going out. But she probably still thinks about it. Whenever she talks she tries to make it a point that she is staying at her mothers and to call her anytime for help with the kids on my night.
Do I continue to treat her as WW? I feel like it is working. I am actually moving into our apartment building soon. She bought me lunch the other day. I don't know what to do. I don't really want her back like this, I really want some kind of serious apology and the offer to do counseling. But I haven't seen her hit any kind of wall or low point. I think she is getting overwhelmed by finances. She had no idea how much I did. I was not appreciated.
M-41, W-38 M - 6.5 years
12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS) 1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Why are you moving to an apartment if you don't want to divorce? Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best 75Shade and Dad that only a fool would leave. Do it for yourself and your precious kiddos.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Do I continue to treat her as WW? I feel like it is working. I am actually moving into our apartment building soon. She bought me lunch the other day. I don't know what to do. I don't really want her back like this, I really want some kind of serious apology and the offer to do counseling. But I haven't seen her hit any kind of wall or low point. I think she is getting overwhelmed by finances. She had no idea how much I did. I was not appreciated.
This is not something that gets FIXED overnight.
I sense you dont have much patience. Is this true?
What everyone will tell you now is to focus on you. She is now on her own path. You cannot control her. All you can control is yourself.
Can you share a bit more about what led up to the BD? What was your R like in the earluy days, and what was it like more recently?
Follow Sandi's rules. Work out what you want to do about you? What improvements can you make. Were there any valid issues buried in the complaints from your wife? Can you work on those. What sort of GAL activities do you have? Do you want to try some new ones?
What sort of father are you? Hands on, or working hard and struggling to see the kids enough (like me)
You have to be the best you and the best dad you can be. A wayward spouse is very often unstable. You will have to be the rock for your children.
Nothing you have said or done cannot be undone.
What do you want? If you don't want to divorce her, then don't do anything to progress it. Let your wife do the work.
If you don't want to move out - say you have changed your mind.
Your wife is not the person she was before. Your marriage as it was before is now over. It *may* be possible to build a new relationship and new marriage with your wife.
There are no instant fixes. As Cadet says, patience is the key. There are people on this forum who have been here years. You will soon be into months of hard work. And it is hard work.
You will get lots of good advice. Follow it if you can.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Cadet, I am terribly impatient and she is maybe just a little less. I just couldn't handle the emotional abuse around the children. Our house is very small.
Something I am working on
M-41, W-38 M - 6.5 years
12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS) 1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
