Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #4

[Dawgs]

Honey

Go get tested immediately.

V

One of the scariest things, my friend...

[Woke_Up]

I missed the episode of the pregnancy tester. May I just remind all H's who have a W that's been in an A (and/or still in an A), you are taking a risk by having sex with her. There have been cases right here on the board, where the W would suspect the possibility of pregnancy by OM, and she would have sex with her H........as coverage, should she need it.

I think you are gambling with your own health risk, having sex with your W........especially when you know OM is still in the picture (and why would you?).

However, in this case, it is still a long distance EA. She has not met OM in person, as he lives in Florida and she is in the UK. She has not been out of the country. He could have been, but nothing I have seen in their messages to date would suggest that he has visited the UK.

She has created this fantasy world, and is now addicted to it. In it, I have to be not with her. I am a demented ex. She is single. Therefore she is free to love this OM via her EA.

However, her describing me as a dickhead to the OM on the same day she had sex with me (Saturday 25th) was a bit much, so I went on a rant to OM again, sent him the pic of the preg tester. AND she still managed to lie her way out of it, said I had planted it and taken the photo and was faking the iphone messages from her.

That was the day before Mother's day in the UK. I still managed to make sure the kids gave her a good day on the Sunday. She did have a minor spew at me in the morning, but I just shrugged it off and got on with making sure that the Mother's Day stuff happened. She enjoyed it, and it was a nice day with the kids.

So, had another DB session. Taking stock, as I'd gone backwards again. Not snooping at all now. I'm only 8 days clean, but hell, I'm 8 days totally clean with plenty of opportunity to have snooped if I wished. Need to do a rewrite of the apology letter, to review with the coach, and start journaling a bit more. List all positive interactions. Start a chart of arguments, old way, new way, outcome. That's going to my difficult one. Having the patience and wherewithal to stay calm, not react and do things differently.

I'm dubious about the positive interactions, as they've always been there to some extent. I think if I hadn't discovered the EA, W would quite happily live this double life indefinitely.

Reading my way through Gottmann. Struggling with GAL still. Funnily enough, that's the 1 area W attacks. Says I'll have to give up training, as she has to do everything. My 1 evening a week. Nah, she can bugger off.

[Woke_Up]

Honey

Go get tested immediately.

V

One of the scariest things, my friend...

See above. Don't need to in this instance, but have been tested in the past. It's not pleasant.

[Dawgs]

You got this, my friend

[Woke_Up]

You got this, my friend

Thanks Jeep. I'm getting there. I'm caring less about what she's doing day to day, and not believing anything she says. Like last Wednesday, when she said she was going to get rid of her phone again... soon! (I should start keeping tally of how many times she has said that).

It's weird, most of the time, when she does talk, she talks about long term future plans. I just nod and agree - I mean how the hell does she think I'm going to commit to anything long term while she's carrying this on?

Oh, and quite often she accuses me of being a psychopath Madness continues.

[Woke_Up]

Oh, yesterday she actually said that she knows I'm not a psychopath! baby steps, eh?

I'm quite tempted to break out the chainsaw just to prove her wrong.

[Vanilla]

I wanted to say projection on the psychopath issue, although that's distinctly odd.

I think of Jack Nicholson in the shining. The eyes have it.

It's such an odd thing to say and then deny. This is unfortunate labelling and I think if repeated in any court case would seem distinctly strange without evidence.

Something on the lines of the scrambled eggs for brains seems appropriate.

This has me baffled.

V

[sandi2]

How about an update?

[Woke_Up]

Hi. Yeah, it's about time for an update...

I may ramble/jump about in time here, as I remember things: Since my last DB coaching session at the end of March (that time has gone quick), I've focused on not snooping, and done well. I have not checked her Skype.

Every day I travel home from work, I start to feel nervous and unsettled about the whole thing. But I have aimed to act 'as if' every time I walk through the door. I still tend to spin a bit depending on W's moods, but it is getting better.

I was asked to keep a journal of positive interactions, and I have been doing so. Some days are better than others. There's been plenty of cordial texts, the occasional hug, smile kiss, and we ML once about a week ago. She cooled off drastically the following day.

I was also asked to keep a log of arguments/difficult situations and list old response/new response/outcome. I haven't done very well at this - I managed to identify after the arguments, not general during - other than this weekend, when she was telling me something (in a pretty patronising way) but I just shut up listened and agreed that it was good advice, and I would try that next time. I wouldn't say it made her happy, but it did close it down and de-escalate.

There's also been 3 or 4 biggish arguments. On one of the flare ups (Easter Sunday)she started getting insulting, so I said I wouldn't have a pointless argument or be insulted and that we could continue later when things were calmer. However she followed me to another room and continued to spew in front of D5. We ended up back in the kitchen, and while we did manage to speak more calmly the sitch had escalated to where she was talking about leaving, feeling trapped because she couldn't leave. She asked what I was teaching my daughter by running away and that after all these years I should know by know that running away only makes things worse. I said I was teaching her that you don't have to stand round and be insulted. I also pointed out that I said I would return to talk calmly, not just leave in a temper like I used to - mind you, I did storm off into the garden at one point just to take some deep breaths to calm down, before I went back in.

The argument had started because I was going to work outside, and D wanted to play, so I asked her to go see mummy. W was lying on her bed, having come back in from working outside earlier. But she wanted to go back out and do some more so didn't appreciate me 'palming off' D onto her - that I should have just told D to come outside or play on her own. In context, I had taken D to an easter egg unt that morning as W didn't want to go out due to a hair colouring disaster I had then taken D to an outdoor play ground so she could swing, climb etc and generally have fun outdoors. I wanted to get on with the yard work, as I knew I would get criticised for not getting it completed in a timely fashion otherwise..

The thing I noted was that W actually said that my actions (leaving the room) had escalated things so they were worse than before, from an argument about D to an argument about her leaving, almost like it was deliberate - "you didn't play by my rules so I upped the stakes". Maybe I'm over analysing. She also kept saying that she was happy how she was and would never change, would say what she liked, how she liked. People can't change, and me wanting her to change meant I didn't like her. I'm paraphrasing here. I didn't actually ask her to change, it was more about how she dealt with me and me with her. So that was that.

On the Thursday before Good Friday, my trains were all delayed due to a line closure (suicide on the track) and W started complaining to me about it, like it was my fault and she wished she could sit on a train. Then she sent me a link to a house asking me to help her buy it, she would leave and I could have the current house. So we had a bit of a text argument, I said she shouldn't contact me when she was in one of those moods, she said what mood, she was ill and could barely cope.

Anyway, I said I knew she was ill but refused help (professional help), and she wouldn't take the first steps, and wouldn't even end the EA which wasn't helping her mental state. This is where she told me she didn't speak to OM any more. That was news to me, and I have taken it with a pinch of salt. However, things seem to point to this actually being true. I haven't looked at her Skype, as I said, but I have noted the usage on the DNS server has dropped way down, and it hasn't been open on her phone as much. That was as much snooping as I could bring myself to do, I have been pleased with not going into her Skype and making things worse. She also said in the car on Saturday that she thought she would start feeling better once she forgot about 'the American. as we call OM.

GAL activities - not doing well. My online training course has really suffered, not touched it for a couple of months, I'm still training Krav Maga, but only once a week. (and quite often W goes for this when we argue, saying I will have to give up my 'leisure activities' to get things done, or when we separate). One thing I am really pleased about is I had a horse riding beginners assessment on Saturday, so now I should be able to join D when she goes horse riding now and again - I may try to book something for my birthday on May 1st, as it's a public holiday in the UK.

So all in all, it has been a mixed few weeks. I'm not feeling much personal progress, so I need to take stock and re-focus. If OM is out of the picture, that's a big change, however her actions lead me to believe it is his doing, not hers. She has still talked about the R being over and us not together - this is the first time she has done it when it has not been an argument about the EA/OM and in retaliation for me contacting him and telling him the truth. That hurts, I have to say. The MBR/Bed etc still features as a central point to many arguments or spiteful words. I have offered her the bed on many occasions but so far she hasn't taken me up on it. Not sure if it is because she would need to dismantle her current bed, or that it would remove one of her gripes (when being in control is the real aim), or the fact that I said I would just buy another bed (not going to take any of the smaller beds she bought in her tantrums).

So, maybe, I have moved from having a straightforward WW to WW/WAW? I am not sure, but it's time for me to re-visit the Divorce Remedy book - I started reading it again yesterday. I keep forgetting the 'believe nothing of what they say' and reacting. Someone needs to explain the STFU smoothie to me, I think.

W is still verbally abusive quite often. However, in retrospect, we managed nearly a week without a major argument (from the night of the DB coaching session on 27th March to the following Saturday. There seems to be more anger and resentment since then, could be due to loss of OM, but that's mind reading, and we have established I am no good at that.

One thing I have noted, and am working on - W hates it when I get distracted when she is talking to me (usually by an incessant D5) - so I am working on teaching D to be quiet and wait while we are talking and making sure W knows she is coming first in my attention.

So, that brings us up to date. I have another coaching session scheduled for next week - left it a bit longer to try and make some progress. It doesn't feel like the R is making progress, to many talks about separating and selling up, not selling up, finances etc. Maybe she is going to pull the trigger. Maybe she wants me to. It's frustrating, but I haven't given up yet. It's so tempting sometimes. I feel the anxiety so much of the time, especially when I head home. It's often just a horrible, uncomfortable atmosphere.

Still, I persevere.

Woke.

[Woke_Up]

Light bulb comes on the following morning.... I'm forgetting the basics.

Last night's argument had some perfect opportunities for validation, but I just reacted and threatened to start treating her how she was treating me, see how she liked it.

How easily this marionette dances to his puppet masters tune.

Re-focus. I need to work on validation that doesn't involve me being a doormat.