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Previous thread (Part 1): http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2728962#Post2728962

To recap: my W unloaded on me with a laundry list of issues she had with me and the MR in December 2016. 2 days later she went on a work trip where an EA with a co-worker turned into a PA. The PA has since ended after OM's W found out and contacted me, plus due to my W realizing the guy was lying and manipulating the whole time and had no intentions of leaving his W. Currently my W has been in more contact with me and is wanting to come by the house more often but is often hot/cold.

For my update, I'm doing well with detaching. Almost too well. I've definitely reached a point where I'd be OK with no R but I'm quickly getting to a point of wondering whether I even want it. So much damage and pain has been caused by her actions and words that it makes me wonder what I'd even be trying to save. She is rewriting history to make herself seem more innocent (talking as if we were basically divorced at the time of the PA) or noble (talking like she ended the affair because it was hurting people).

That she's able to twist things and, I think, genuinely believe them is kind of scary. I really question her mental state with how she talks and what she's done. And I don't know if she has the capability of putting in the hard work a R takes. I'm seeing now how self-centered and selfish she's always been.

No contact is still in place. We haven't spoken since last Monday and I have 0 intention of initiating any further talks. I had a good weekend of dinner with my sister/BIL one night, dinner with my parents the next and hanging out with a friend. I ran some errands and cleaned up around the house. No more moping around on the couch for this guy.


Me: 33 W: 33
EA: mid 10/16
BD: 12/10/16
PA1: 12/12/16 - 12/15/16
PA2: 12/30/16 - 1/1/17
I filed for D: 1/3/17
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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So new hobby?

How will you find one?


V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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brizz Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
So new hobby?

How will you find one?


V

Gardening. I've cleaned up some garden beds but just need to wait for the last cold spell to wrap up then I'll get into it with a vegetable garden and also some flowers for some other flower beds.


Me: 33 W: 33
EA: mid 10/16
BD: 12/10/16
PA1: 12/12/16 - 12/15/16
PA2: 12/30/16 - 1/1/17
I filed for D: 1/3/17
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Originally Posted By: brizz
She is rewriting history to make herself seem more innocent (talking as if we were basically divorced at the time of the PA) or noble (talking like she ended the affair because it was hurting people).

That she's able to twist things and, I think, genuinely believe them is kind of scary. I really question her mental state with how she talks and what she's done. And I don't know if she has the capability of putting in the hard work a R takes. I'm seeing now how self-centered and selfish she's always been.


I'm sure you probably realize this but people rewrite history in order to protect themselves. No one likes to feel like the bad guy, people in general have a limited willingness to sit around and think about their faults. It's much easier to find a way to make it someone else's fault. It's easier to sleep at night. To some degree its self-preservation.

If you mangle your leg, you walk with a limp. She's mangled her integrity and rewriting history is her limp. Deep down she knows she's doing it. You don't have to worry about her mental state. Working hard to convince herself of her BS is necessary for her to look at herself in the mirror. If she dreams up justifications but doesn't believe in them she's not being very self-serving.

Regarding being self-centered and selfish, that's just insecurity right? That's fear of being inadequate, it's the same type of compensating behavior as the re-writing history, just expressed differently.

Glad to see you're getting out and spending time with friends and family, more of that!

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Feb 2017
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Yes, I definitely realize this. It's still just astounding the level of revising she's done and that I can tell she genuinely believes it. She was emphatically, even compassionately, explaining things in this way. A way that makes her less guilty.

Sometimes it just feels like she's really taking it to an extreme and it makes me wonder if it's a sign of some deeper issue but it's reassuring to hear that it's most likely a symptom of the situation.

She is in therapy and knows she has lots of issues to work on. Hopefully she does and maybe her path leads her back to me. I'm just not going to sit around waiting or expecting it.


Me: 33 W: 33
EA: mid 10/16
BD: 12/10/16
PA1: 12/12/16 - 12/15/16
PA2: 12/30/16 - 1/1/17
I filed for D: 1/3/17
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 66
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I think I'm just having an angry day. I'm mad that people can not set appropriate boundaries when dealing with members of the opposite sex. Mad that they allow themselves to get sucked into the euphoria of an affair. That they think it's real and will last forever. That they lie, manipulate, deceive and shun all their values in order to continue the affair. It's so ridiculous.

To just turn your life upside down because someone pays attention to you. All of the delusions and anger that come out. Rewriting history on a marriage. Not caring about the pain that is caused for so many because you just care about what you want and nothing else.

Then the LBS has to walk on eggshells and form strategies and plans to try to win back a person who has hurt them so deeply without, at least at the time, any remorse whatsoever. That we have to look for subtle meaning in a text message, or an email, or something said in passing for some kind of sign that our former loving spouses haven't turned into a totally heartless stranger.

It's all just mind boggling.


Me: 33 W: 33
EA: mid 10/16
BD: 12/10/16
PA1: 12/12/16 - 12/15/16
PA2: 12/30/16 - 1/1/17
I filed for D: 1/3/17
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
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Quote:
form strategies and plans to try to win back a person who has hurt them so deeply without, at least at the time, any remorse whatsoever.


What is perplexing is why someone would want to do that in the first place.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: brizz

Then the LBS has to walk on eggshells and form strategies and plans to try to win back a person who has hurt them so deeply without, at least at the time, any remorse whatsoever. That we have to look for subtle meaning in a text message, or an email, or something said in passing for some kind of sign that our former loving spouses haven't turned into a totally heartless stranger.


The thing is you don't *have* to do any of that. In fact you shouldn't. That's the key.

Prepare yourself for the fact that you're unlikely to ever get any remorse or any type of apology.

You are right that it [censored], and I'm glad you're angry about it, that's part of processing all of this. Allow yourself to feel all of it and don't worry about it for a minute.

Realistically someone having an affair like this is usually a "last straw" versus a spur of the moment decision. In most relationships needs don't get met, resentments build up, and just pile up over time. When you're living in the same space there's a lot of motivation to compromise and keep the peace, but usually under the surface there's stuff brewing that isn't getting discussed, usually because both people convince themselves that it's just a temporary issue and will go away on its own.

I read somewhere that for people in a relationship to characterize it as "happy", positive interactions need to outweigh negative ones by a ratio of 7:1. For every one time you come away from an exchange annoyed, you have to come away from seven others feeling good. That's a pretty difficult thing to achieve for most people. If you're shy of that, the resentment snowball is growing.

An affair is escapism for sure, and its usually the result of a chance opportunity, or a thousand micro-escalations that happened without any forethought. What it's really a symptom of, however, is conflict avoidance.

For a relationship to be successful both people need to be willing to blow it up on occasion, argue it out and be prepared to walk if a compromise can't be reached. That takes a lot of strength and self-confidence. For more often people stuff it down and pave over it and eventually you're sitting on a volcano that's ready to blow.

Point is, regardless of the affair one or both of you weren't happy. Usually its just a matter of timing in terms of who pulls the rip cord first.

That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.

So ask yourself, what do you want and why do you want it?

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Originally Posted By: brizz
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
So new hobby?

How will you find one?


V

Gardening. I've cleaned up some garden beds but just need to wait for the last cold spell to wrap up then I'll get into it with a vegetable garden and also some flowers for some other flower beds.


Now, how can we turn that into GAL?

A club or organisation?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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brizz Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Accuray
That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.

So ask yourself, what do you want and why do you want it?

I am having a hard time separating the two. I really think I want both. We all desire control over our lives. That's natural. I desire the person, too. But then it's complicated because I desire the person who would never hurt or betray me. I'd have an unstoppable motivation to improve the MR for that person. Right now I really don't have that motivation for the cold-hearted person she's become. And motivation has never been her thing so I can't imagine her putting in the hard work of chipping away at the damage to where I'd really want to put in the work too.

I had a good weekend. Kept my time occupied so I wasn't stuck alone in the house too much. Dinner with my family, hung out with a friend. Did a lot of shopping. I bought a new shower curtain, towels and rugs for the guest bathroom. Made it my own. Spent some time looking for new curtains for the living room but haven't found anything I like yet. Did some work outside getting the garden beds ready for planting.

My W did text me Saturday night about doing the taxes, wanting me to send her my documents. I ignored it. Early Sunday morning she texted asking if I got the text. Guess she's not used to me not being responsive. A few hours later when I got home I texted and asked what she was wanting me to do. She said to send her all my documents. I asked how I was supposed to do that and she said email so I pointed out the obvious that they're hard copies. She asked if I could scan them at work and I told her no. She said she'd login and enter her stuff and then I could login and do mine, which is what she had discussed 2 weeks ago when she was at the house. I didn't respond because I didn't think a response was necessary. 2 hours later she asked if that would work. Couple hours after that I told her she could do whatever she wanted. She asked if that upset me and I ignored it.

I know tax stuff is important but there is still plenty of time and I'm not going to indulge her in any form of cake eating. I almost got the impression she was wanting me to invite her over to work on it together. If she can't even come out and say that then there's really no hope for her to be honest and put in the hard work on a R.

I saw an analogy I like: There's no such thing as a dirty room where only half of it needs to be cleaned.

With her telling me 2 weeks ago that I was a "terrible husband" and she was a "good wife", I find that saying very applicable. I'm sure if I asked her in what ways she was a good wife she'd talk about how she cooked, cleaned, did laundry. That makes her a good housekeeper, not a good wife. The fact I can discuss with her my shortcomings that left the MR vulnerable to HER affair while she offers up nothing aside from "I'm sorry I hurt you, I should have just left" and rewriting history speaks volumes about her.

She really needs to learn to see she's not perfect and can't blame all of her problems on other people if there's to be any hope at all, for us or for herself.


Me: 33 W: 33
EA: mid 10/16
BD: 12/10/16
PA1: 12/12/16 - 12/15/16
PA2: 12/30/16 - 1/1/17
I filed for D: 1/3/17
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