Looking for a miracle.

[bttrfly]

Another thought as I wait for my car repair:

Does she understand that the power in this relationship between her and the girls is with the girls? Sometimes I read her texts and think she's thinking she is still the authority figure and others I read and it seems she understands that she no longer has that right. Not sure what your take is on this? Xoxoxo

[Sotto]

Hi Irish, sounds like you are generally doing well and I'm pleased for you. Also, you're calmly dealing with quite a lot of contact from your XW, so credit to you.

I think it is a compassionate and kind thing to provide a sort of bridge between her and her children, as you are doing.

She's in a tough spot for sure. Your girls don't sound as though they would want to reconnect if OM is still in the picture. She gave up a lot for OM, and may not be ready to give him up? It's a bit of a catch 22 for her perhaps?

I think reflecting the action question back to her like Bttrfly suggests is a good idea. I think the kind of action to take is all about the kind of life we want to live going forwards. But she may not be in that place yet, you know?

I do think the direction of travel is a better one though - but it is very early days too...

Take care and have a great time at the parade

[Wonka]

Irish,

You're doing a superb job in handling your communications with your XW.

As. Former MLCer, I recall fearing rejection and flailing about as I tried to regain my own bearings. I tell the spouses of MLCera that they do look to you as their wingman on how they can move forward and I'm sensing that your XW is looking for some pointers although I do recognize that she's not fully embracing her own responsibility in the breakdown of her relationship with the girls.

Action will come once we start talking. If they don't give me the chance then its pointless.

What are these actions I need to do?

Suggested response:

A first step would be trying to put yourself in the girls' shoes and see your past behavior through the eyes of 12/14 year old along with really hurtful comments such as "not wanting to be their mother." As you can imagine, they've been deeply hurt by your choices and comments. It will require more than just a few words to re-build bridges with the girls. You know the quote that I think applies fairly well: "talk is cheap." Actions are what really matters here if you truly wish to repair your relationship with the girls. Trust has been broken. It will be up to you to make sincere amends with them.

You're a smart woman and I believe that you do desire to reconnect with the girls. I wish you well as you figure this out yourself.

[roist]

I like Wonka's suggested reply. I am not sure about the talk is cheap comment. The previous sentence mentions words being not enough so that could come across as criticising/judging to W.

Just to clarify is the OM being out of the picture a criteria the girls have mentioned? Technically the two relationships are unrelated and could come exist. The problem as I see it is she abandoned them completely not that she is with OM. Yes they are linked and I in no way endorse OM.

I try to put myself in your shoes. I am not sure I manage to do so fully as how your W left so completely is the exact opposite of my W. She I feel uses her love of our boys as a crutch to get by IMO. Still I understand that it cannot be easy for you. I love that you believe she can potentially make it to where she needs to get to rebuild her R with your girls.

Being defeated before trying is typical depression talking. Unfortunately it creates self fulfilling prophecies that "prove" she was right. Maybe to encourage W to try you could validate this fear: " maybe you ate right, that your first few attempts may not convince the girls to be more open to rebuilding a R with you. It is even highly possible. But over time with consistent and progressive intentions and movement towards them, I am confident you can do this. It will not be easy and it will take time. However like anything important, achieving it will greatly outweigh the effort required. Don't be discouraged from taking the steps forward just because it seems impossible. It is not impossible, just difficult. If you do not try, it will not happen."

Maybe you are not comfortable validating this and encouraging her. Even so maybe a different approach from you could be enough to break the current cycle.

I will raise a glass to you tomorrow. Slainte mo chara.

Best wishes

[peacetoday]

I guess it makes sense the MLCEr would want an easy fix
especially since they only live in partial reality

I like the approach of encouraging her and letting her know you have confidence that she can reconnect with the girls and it may take time as trust was broken

I would speak simply to her with as little words as possible to get the thought across

Good luck
you are doing very well
you also need to remember this will take time so dont give up
she seems like she is in baby stages to come out and she may go back in many times

[Sotto]

Yes, I agree with the approach of having confidence in her - but stepping back from telling her what she needs to do.

It's her life to live after all..and whilst I think it's in any child's best interests to be in touch with Mum, it is best for them if she is as healthy as possible - ie: having worked her own way through some of this stuff.

You're doing a great job Irish

[Irish M]

The Jeep, Guinness and a Miracle is all I need as well. Hope the St. Paddy's Day Parade is fun for you and the girls.

Not to make you jealous, but it'll be in the mid 70's and sunny in my part of the country this weekend...I think the top will be off of my JKU for sure.

Hi SBJ.. I am so jealous. I am dying to take the doors off and enjoy the jeep the way it was meant to be enjoyed. Another 3-4 weeks before spring weather hits us up here.
I'll raise a Guinness to you my friend

Also are you sure you want to see her rather than mailing the memory stick? Just making sure here that you are ok.

Hi bttrfly ((( hugs))) I will not be seeing her. I drive by her work everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. Not on purpose, I have no choice. I live on an island and the main bridge to get on and off passes right in front of her work. I can put it in an envelop and just drop it off one night or weekend when nobody is there.

Does she understand that the power in this relationship between her and the girls is with the girls? Sometimes I read her texts and think she's thinking she is still the authority figure and others I read and it seems she understands that she no longer has that right.

Yes I see that too. The girls actually hold the power to decide. I won't influence them either way. They need to feel that they can trust her. I can't be holding their hands. My XW will see that manipulation or controlling behavior will get her nowhere. She must learn to go slow, build trust and respect and maybe, just maybe she will find an opening.

I think it is a compassionate and kind thing to provide a sort of bridge between her and her children, as you are doing.

She's in a tough spot for sure. Your girls don't sound as though they would want to reconnect if OM is still in the picture. She gave up a lot for OM, and may not be ready to give him up? It's a bit of a catch 22 for her perhaps?

The girls won't approach XW if she is with, living with or has anything to do with OM. He is a huge factor in her abandoning the girls. In early MLC, she did disconnect but she did have joint custody. I tried to help XW and the girls connect through therapy that I help set up but didn't attend with them. It was them 3 only. I tried to help XW. When she had a week off in the summer, I recommend that she spend time alone with them. She chose OM each time. Moved out of their apartment and dumped it all there.. for OM.

I'll be that bridge but XW has to want to cross it.

As. Former MLCer, I recall fearing rejection and flailing about as I tried to regain my own bearings. I tell the spouses of MLCera that they do look to you as their wingman on how they can move forward and I'm sensing that your XW is looking for some pointers although I do recognize that she's not fully embracing her own responsibility in the breakdown of her relationship with the girls.

Hi Wonka. it's been a long while. I appreciate you dropping by. I thank you :-)

Yes, I feel she is testing me a little, looking for that support or for me to hold her hand. I still think she needs to learn to ride her own bike even if it I can give her training wheels. When she really gets going. I'll hold the seat for a while and run with her. Until then, let's see if she can make it a little further along alone.

Suggested response:

A first step would be trying to put yourself in the girls' shoes and see your past behavior through the eyes of 12/14 year old along with really hurtful comments such as "not wanting to be their mother." As you can imagine, they've been deeply hurt by your choices and comments. It will require more than just a few words to re-build bridges with the girls. You know the quote that I think applies fairly well: "talk is cheap." Actions are what really matters here if you truly wish to repair your relationship with the girls. Trust has been broken. It will be up to you to make sincere amends with them.

You're a smart woman and I believe that you do desire to reconnect with the girls. I wish you well as you figure this out yourself.

Love this response. I want to avoid pointing out the things she has said and done. I'm sure deep down she is aware, or she is still blind to it. Either way, it's pointless pointing it out until she takes ownership. Putting her in the girls shoes is good. If she can feel that it might show her that she must take action. Hopefully she can.
I will continue to give her positives and encourage her without telling her what to do.

Just to clarify is the OM being out of the picture a criteria the girls have mentioned? Technically the two relationships are unrelated and could come exist. The problem as I see it is she abandoned them completely not that she is with OM. Yes they are linked and I in no way endorse OM.

Yes a huge criteria. They have zero respect for OM and XW if they are together.
OM is a huge part of her choosing him over them. I hope her dental insurance fixed his teeth because he had a lot missing. Sort of like meth mouth. He has a very low paying job, lives in one of the worst neighborhoods. Proud that his rent is so cheap so he can afford pot. Made XW declare she wasn't living with him in 2015 so his tax return would be bigger. A real winner.
2nd. Is XW needs to put the girls first for a while.
3rd. Quit pot and drinking.
4th. take ownership of what she did

Being defeated before trying is typical depression talking. Unfortunately it creates self fulfilling prophecies that "prove" she was right. Maybe to encourage W to try you could validate this fear:

Yes I see that she can't face anything really just yet. Small things only so far but it's better that it was in January. As you would say a positive :-)
I know she can do it. I feel it. I felt it the day she walked out that she will get through this and be a better person. If I'm wrong. I am in a good ... no great place in life. I lose nothing.

you are doing very well
you also need to remember this will take time so dont give up
she seems like she is in baby stages to come out and she may go back in many times

Yes, I am expecting a return to darkness sometime soon. She needs it to process all the things that were shared between me and her. She need to dwell on it.
I'm hoping the next time she does appear , I will see a more lucid XW. With a mission to repair her relationship. Will do anything to achieve it.

It's her life to live after all..and whilst I think it's in any child's best interests to be in touch with Mum,

Yes its important that the girls have both parents. Healthy and emotionally stable.

It's all I want.

--------------------------------------------

So I got some great advise and wrote XW a short letter.

XW, I can't even imagine what you are going through. I know you really want to connect with the girls. You can do it, I know you can. You need to understand the minds of a 14/16 year old though. Put yourself in their shoes. The horrible words you said hold deep and hurt. But also remember the love you had for them and they had for you holds deep too. You need to tap into that.

If this attempts doesn't work, it will not be for nothing. It will lay the foundation for your next attempt and in time your efforts will pay off.

I haven't written you off. I don't think they have either.

As for your question on what you need to do. I thought about it and the girls will be the best to answer that one. I'm sure you have ideas. Discuss it in your letter.

have a good day.
Irish


Her reply.

Thank you for this message. I will write to them. They can write back anything they want to say to me, even if its bad, it has to come out.

I will really like to see our family memories on video and photos . thank you again.
XW

[bttrfly]

PERFECT!

just perfect! xoxoxo well done, mon ami. Je suis très fier de toi!!!! {{{{{{Irish}}}}}}

are you exhausted by all this contact? I think I would be. xoxoxo

[peacetoday]

yes- you can tell from her response

she appreciates the encouragement and thats probably what she needs most

she has lost faith in herself so seeing you still have faith in her
and you are on her side is helpful


It would be for anyone to know that another is for us
enjoy the weekend!

[HaWho]

Hi Irish - just caught up and wow, seems like your XW is trying to figure out the lay of the land. I hope her therapist is helping her through this process. I think it would help her to have a neutral party explaining the severity of what she's done. It's clear it hasn't hit her.

My thoughts are with you. Keep being a tank.