Looking for a miracle.

[Irish M]

Here are the links to my past threads. Thought I would be here for a month or two. Like they say, it's a long ride.

Post 1 - Wife goes deep into the tunnel

Post 2 - Wife still in the tunnel... more fog

Post 3 - no clue where wife is can't see past the fog

Post 4 - 2016 a new year.. Getting out of my own fog

Post 5 - Finding myself and leaving my wife to her MLC

Post 6 - A new day is approaching

Post 7 - Me and my 2 daughters

Post 8 - XW showing signs or just MLC script

Post 9 - 2017 - New Year - same MLC but I'm moving along

[Irish M]

What really stands out in your situation to I imagine every one of us posting here, is that your ex was capable of walking away from her children.

That is an act that is just so unnatural and uncommon. I think that every single mom here would agree that It goes against every instinctual fiber in a mother's being. And my heart goes out to you and your daughters.

Hi J,
nice of you to come visit my sitch. I appreciate all the input I can get. These are difficult times. Yes, it is odd, unnatural, uncommon,against even my XW fiber of existence before BD. Her life was her kids and family. She chose to work close to home to be available for any issues at daycare and school. She loved being there for them . They were all so close. It's a very scary change of character. I sometimes think she is avoiding them because she is protecting them from herself. They don't need to see her this way.

But just as we wouldn't expect someone that had a physical handicap to be able run a marathon we might have to come to terms that some one that has some sort of mental handicap might not be capable of being a reliable parent figure. And that can be a very hard thing to come to terms with, but also freeing. Because then we are accepting the person for what they can give instead of what they should. It allows us to give up resentment and anger which is just so so harmful.

Illnesses of MLC or whatever is controlling her choices. I have come to terms with it in a small way. Growing by the month to total acceptance that this is who she is now. Crisis or not. The girls however. Teens are not so understanding. They have not developed any kind of empathy towards her. They talk about her as if she was a friend at school who they don't care to associate with anymore. Her choice of OM isn't helping . The guy is a poster boy for crack head loser. They found out about him before I did. The girls have to get over so much.

Again. I am so sorry for your daughters. Every child deserves the emotional support of both of their parents. And their is a lot to process. I hope your daughters have only the best resources. It seems like they have the best of the best fathers.

Hugs

J.

thank you so much J. They have amazing teachers at the school. Who are aware of the situation and Who have also witnessed XW in her most manic of days. They have asked their mom to stay away from the school. my parents are amazing as are my brothers. The mothers of their friends have also been so supportive. Lots of love. I am so lucky to have them so grounded and not acting out. My youngest has anxiety and I am doing everything to help her through that. As for the best of the best... well all I can do is my best. I owe it o them. They didn't ask for any of this .

I understand the pain and confusion of D16s question. I'm sorry the girls are holding her at bay, but I completely understand why. What I'm really sorry for is that the girls feel they have to protect themselves against their mother. I wish with all my heart that this situation can be resolved in a way that heals the damage done.

hi bttrfly xox

All I want now is for her to reconnect with the girls. I just don't want to hold her hand to get it done. I've tried talking to the girls together and one on one. They both want nothing to do with her new life and the OM. They have been told by their mom that she didn't want to be a mom anymore. Needed to find herself and ended up fining OM a week later. Only to abandoned them again. XW really has to come through in a big was and put the girls first. get an apartment and focus on their pain and not hers for once. XW is clearly not there. I still believe she can do it.

I suffered from depression before. It can cripple someone's ability to DO what needs to be done, even to do what you want to do. It probably took your W a lot of effort to send that E-mail. It is easy to think she thought that those few lines would fix things and that is delusional of her. Maybe she didn't put in an effort, but I think it is also probable that she just did the best she could.

Before you are in contact with your W, I ask you to take a little time to consider your approach. Don't just acknowledge that the girls got her email and don't want to reply. Say something along the lines "that it wasn't enough for them to get passed their hurt" and/or "they don't understand the discrepancy between her words and what she did. " a simple statement that they choose not to reply will be a slap in the face for W. Maybe she deserves that, but being rejected may have the opposite effect on W. Instead of hitting her with that and sending her away to lick her wounds, a slightly more empathetic reply could help her continue to search for how to reconnect better.

Hi roist. Great advice and I did follow it. I needed to try something new anyway since the way me and XW were talking was just the same old same old. Turning in circles.
see below today's texts.

Similarly with your D's, you could take a step too. This is obviously confusing for them, not forgetting their sense of lose and abandonment. Discuss their feelings with them. Don't explain her actions to them, but you could say she is trying to connect the best she is capable of right now. I am short on time but I wanted to just say, maybe you could take the sting out of their initial reaction so they can see passed the obvious.

I am not telling you to actively work towards their reconciliation but how you communicate to each party, can have an important affect.

I have spoken to them . To open up and understand the situation. That it will not be easy. In the long run things will get better.
D16 wants nothing to do with her. XW burnt her twice. The girls were abandoned a month before BD1. XW went into non mother mode. I asked her many times to talk to the girls after she came back from BD1. she refused. Said it was up to the girls to come to her. Then BD2 happened D16 ( 14 at the time) said "i knew i couldn't trust her. She is not my mother. I see it in her eyes."
So until XW makes a true effort and not this half attempt, the girls will avoid. they are Irish after all. Strong characters. They do understand that their mom is not well. The specialist they saw during my first attempts after BD2 to help them reconnect failed told them. The police who came to the house told them. Gave them both cards to call in case they had problems with their mother. last So If she got help, proof of help, no OM, and was taking care of herself. The girls would see progress and open up.

I don't understand why you are going to contact W about her hiding her contact with you from OM. At this stage that has nothing to do with you. It is controlling. I do not see how it can help you or the girls. Why not wait and see later if there is merit to doing so.

No, I didn't ask her if she was hiding our texts and emails from him. None of my concern. It was only a thought. OM means nothing to me. Hasn't for a long time.

The hardest thing for me is to realize that my sons relationship with his father is essentially none of my business. It is between them and up to them to tend. I say this because I feel that you Irish get that completely.

Yes I agree. I can walk with her but I won't pick her up, hold her hand and give her the things she needs to say or do . .. that would be not helping at all. She has to do a lot before I enter the picture.

a re-connection with the girls may be for everyone's best interest

Even though it is easy for us to understand the girls hurt- your W may not know why they can't get past it.she probably is steeped in denial still

I'd love a re-connection between the 3 of them. That is the problem . She can't remember of doesn't want to remember. So much damage has been done. Even the grandmother has abandoned the girls. It adds to the fear that the girls have. Are they going to be like this later in life. Narcissistic and abandoned their children. I need a real miracle and XW wakes up and does that right thing for them.


UPDATE ------

So it's Monday. I'm at work. not expecting a text since it's been a few days of silence.
then it comes in .

Sorry i didn't message you in a while . Battery was dead on my phone. Didn't have the wire. the girls got my email?

no problem. I've been busy, Girls are good and yes they got your email.


I think it won't change anything if I email, text , write on paper to them ... it all will end the same. they want nothing to do with me because I am with someone else. Anyway , I'm way too busy at work. Later.

I took my time replying. was a little put off by her give up before trying. Ok maybe she doesn't know what to write. Maybe ashamed of what she has said and done. I tried to look at it from a different angle. Didn't she say she'd put them first a week ago. Leave Om. Gain theirs and my trust back. Are we back to avoiding and giving up. Choosing her MLC life over them. Again.? She's lost. so I replied the best I could.

Sorry you feel that way. I hope you don't give up. Your words you choose will be important. You being with him is not the main reasons. I'm sure it'snot easy for you to write these letters. Take your time. If you figure it out, I'm sure the girls will read them. Take care.

That was 10:40am this morning. No reply. hopefully her head has the hamsters running in the right direction. It would be a shame for her to go back into the fog. Mothers day will be the next visit.

[bttrfly]

you know my friend, she sounds so much like my exh in that exchange.

I think it won't change anything if I email, text , write on paper to them ... it all will end the same. they want nothing to do with me because I am with someone else. Anyway , I'm way too busy at work. Later.

Here's where this mode of communication fails everyone. Tone can not be conveyed. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard exh say something similar. It kept him from making any real effort to save our marriage. My DB coach said it's from a place of despair and hopelessness. They don't think anything will or can change and don't know what to do or how to do it, so they focus on the immediate - in her case, work.

I know you were put off but I think it's from a place of real sadness and depression. Think Eeyore. "We'll never make it" any of those depressed characters. I don't think Mother's Day will be the next visit. I wouldn't be surprised if you heard from her tomorrow.

Your response was perfect. So proud of you! xoxoxoxoxo

[bttrfly]

you know - there's this quote on the internet - a meme about Eeyore (my ex is very "Eeyorian" while I'm much more like Tigger)

Look on google for Eeyore meme depression. You'll see it. You are responding in exactly the right way, I think. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[job]

I agree, you are responding in a very good way. Keep up the good work!

BTW, thank you for starting a new thread and linking your threads up.

[SBJ]

Irish I don't have any advice, but can only lend support. You are an inspiration to so many of us on here. God bless you and your family.

[Gordie]

Irish I don't have any advice, but can only lend support. You are an inspiration to so many of us on here. God bless you and your family.

^^^x2...and when you find where they keep the miracles...let me know!

[Irish M]

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I know you were put off but I think it's from a place of real sadness and depression. Think Eeyore. "We'll never make it" any of those depressed characters. I don't think Mother's Day will be the next visit. I wouldn't be surprised if you heard from her tomorrow.

Hi Bttrfly ((((hugs)))), yes Eeyore , from the Winnie the pooh cartoons. Very depressed character. Fits the way my XW is talking.

I'm hoping for an after the mothers day contact, to give me a break... but you are right. Got a message today. see below.

BTW, thank you for starting a new thread and linking your threads up.

Hi Job, thanks for the support :-)
As for me linking my post. It wasn't easy at first but after 10 posts its a walk in the park. Anything I can do to free up your workload I will.

Irish I don't have any advice, but can only lend support. You are an inspiration to so many of us on here. God bless you and your family.

Hi SBJ. I think we are all in this together. I may not post much on other sitches but I do learn from reading them. My strength is only as strong as my teammate. And here we are an amazing team.

^^^x2...and when you find where they keep the miracles...let me know!

Yes that famous miracle. Or secret to breaking the MLC code. DB may be the closest thing yet to a solution. Loving yourself and holding to your boundaries is key. Both have to be played out together or it won't move along as it should. A little Guinness here and there helps too.

St Patricks day this weekend. It's my time to shine. I will be in the parade in my community with my girls. Sadly we have just received over 3 feet of snow. My plans to have the roof and doors off the jeep to properly wave the Irish flags may change. We will see. Our main parade in the city is this Sunday. I will be in a smaller parade a few days later.


Messages about her writing the girls. She really hopes the girls verbalize their thoughts and feelings to her. So they can go forward. Also wants some of our old photos and videos. She'd like to see the old memories.

I replied.

Make sure you just choose the right words. I can't tell you what to write. What I can say is they will want to see action. If they reply and verbalize their feelings to you great. I don't want to say you need to be the adult here. But you do.

Again. Actions are worth so much.

It will be my pleasure to drop off a memory stick of the files.

She answers with a question I will avoid.

Action will come once we start talking. If they don't give me the chance then its pointless.

What are these actions I need to do?


I'll leave it at that. No comment or answer to that question. I won't get into the leave him, move to an apartment or any of that. She can work that out with them.

Irish

[SBJ]

The Jeep, Guinness and a Miracle is all I need as well. Hope the St. Paddy's Day Parade is fun for you and the girls.

Not to make you jealous, but it'll be in the mid 70's and sunny in my part of the country this weekend...I think the top will be off of my JKU for sure.

[bttrfly]

Hi Irish
My suggestion is to write back :
"Re what are these actions. That is a great question. I do not have an answer for you exw but I do have a suggestion. You may want to ask the girls what actions they would need to see from you in order to move forward. They are the best judge of what they need to see in order to trust enough to move forward."
Or something like that. Make sense?

Also are you sure you want to see her rather than mailing the memory stick? Just making sure here that you are ok.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}