My wife left two days before our fifth wedding anniversary. Packed up her things and most our home - even took most of the wedding pictures (just left the ones with my family in them!) She waited for me to get home from work to do it and was quite emotionless while doing this. Said it was her decision, that she hasn't been happy for too long, the good memories have faded, she was drained and had nothing to give, it's too late, etc. After the initial shock wore off, I went it to panic mode. I kept saying give us more time, we have been happy before, last couple of years has been a bad patch, we can make it, she needs to soften her heart so she can see how I'm changing, I love her, that this was a mistake. I asked her if she loves me and she said I love you but, she can't be with me, we would eventually end. Had a conversation with me about moving on, that I can get through this! I didn't stop her. I said I couldn't. Finally, dropped her to the taxi.
At this point, I got family involved. She spoke with my father - where she complained about mainly my quick temper and lack of social life plus all the things she said to me. My father told her I was changing & was making the effort so my she doesn't give us more time. And back to square one. I also spoke to her mother and she again complained about the same points. I still told her what I told my wife. She then kept saying this is her daughter's decision. My mother spoke with her mother and again this is her daughter's decision.
She has since dug in at her mother's home in another city. I have sent her a few messages but she reads them and doesn't respond. I also sent her a long emotional message - I decided that would be last one on my part for now. Read it but, no response. Has made her Instagram page private and even her relationship status is private on FB.
To say I'm a broken man at this moment. I'm in so much pain. I feel the person I love most in the world has done this to me. And at such a time and in such a way! It has been six days and I still can't get to grips with how she has done this. All I am asking is to give us a chance. And if she loves me, then why doesn't she want to give us time. It's like she making me out the be Satan! She can't remember any good times. It's We were going out for seven years and been married for five years.
To say I need some help is an understatement. Is all lost? Am I in denial? What should do?
Sincerely,
justbroken
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Reading the book has given me a plan of attack. It's been almost a month for me and every day still feels like the longest day ever, but I find determination in moving forward. Keep posting here. I use it almost like a journal and have been encouraged to do so.
You are among people who have been through similar situations, stay strong.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
I don't have much to say other then I am truly sorry and I would never wish this upon anyone. My wife recently left about a month ago and we have been married for over 13 years. I know in my situation there's been an affair going on for almost 3 years so that makes it very difficult to even try to reconcile. I will say that you need to take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating, getting exercise and doing the best to get sleep. It will get easier but it is difficult right now. I know the first couple weeks for me I was in a state of shock. I still hurt quite a bit now but I'm actually able to live my life. I hope someday that I can reconcile with my wife but unfortunately that is not an option right now. All I can do is work on myself. I will lift you up in my prayers.
Me 38, Her 40 T-14, M-13, No kids BD-1 4/14- EA/PA BD-2 10/14- EA BD-3 2/17- EA/PA W Moves out 2.10.17 in with AP W Served D papers 3.6.17 Divorce Final- 5.23.17
Thanks for your words of support and your prayers. I need both right now.
I know she didn't have an affair.
If she doesn't love me why would she say so even whilst leaving. Unless she is too ashamed to say it to my face or didn't want to hurt me more at the time. She did say 'your not ready to hear it' when I asked 'if you don't love me, just say it'
I'm so confused. I feel like this not real. Or is a big joke.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
She did say 'your not ready to hear it' when I asked 'if you don't love me, just say it'
Jbroken,
Sorry to hear that you are in the mess you found yourself in. Its an unfortunate one that we have all been in. Some found their way out, and some are still lingering in limbo blaming themselves when the blame belongs somewhere else. We've all been there. You have come to a great place with people that will guide you to become the best jbroken you can.
I highlighted your statement because, well, it is eerily similar to something my ex said. While yours may have said it, one must keep in mind that there are different levels of love. She will probably always love you in some form, just not as a wife does. Sorry to throw that out there, but it is what it is.
A couple of weeks before the BD, my ex gave me one of the most romantic anniversary cards I have seen...and it was in the midst of her affair. So, I know what you are feeling.
Only they know their reasons, and we may never know the true ones. Instead of beating yourself up wondering why, now is the time to work on becoming the best you that you possibly can be. Nothing else.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks for your support and your words. Though some of it has been hard to take in I will admit.
If she has had an affair then I guess that would be it for us. But, I really don't know and it's killing me.
And if she doesn't love me or isn't 'in love' with me that means she never did or was. I don't know what could be a worst feeling.
They say if you love someone let them go, if they return, they are yours, if they don't, they never were. These words keep resonating with me at the moment.
After my long emotional message on Sunday-which she read but did not reply to-I've gone dark. Is her silence my response? I suppose I'm still hopeful that she is taking time, that perhaps her heart will soften.
Am I doing the right thing for now? I really have no idea.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
After my long emotional message on Sunday-which she read but did not reply to-I've gone dark. Is her silence my response? I suppose I'm still hopeful that she is taking time, that perhaps her heart will soften.
Am I doing the right thing for now? I really have no idea.
Hello jbroken,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
I would caution you about sharing your situation with her family. Pursuing her family for support will by seen by her as pursuing her, which isn't working and not recommended.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Jbroken, My heart goes out to you! Three months ago my husband dropped a bomb on me with- I need us to be separated, I'm not sure what I want, blah blah- it blindsided me! Like any couple, sure we had our issues but I TOTALLY did not see that coming. It completely crushed me. We separated and I did all of the things that Sandi's rules say NOT TO DO for the first 3 weeks. He slipped further and further away. The more I begged and pleaded the colder he became. THANK GOD I found this website and these people. They talked me off the ledge of being desperate and needy, which in a situation like ours, is VERY unattractive to a spouse who has already said they don't want to be with us right now. Thankfully through my tears I saw the wisdom in the book, the rules, going dark, and the advice of all these people, and in the last couple of weeks he has begun communicating with me again and wants us to see each other again. The advice you'll get in the forum WORKS if you follow it- it may or may not save your marriage, but you will grow and be OK no matter the outcome. And you'll feel better about yourself in the long run. Here's what doesn't work- get a mental picture of this every time you're tempted to beg and plead for them to wake up- a desperate spouse hanging onto the bumper of the other spouse's car as they pull out of the driveway- it DOES NOT WORK! Read and re-read Sandi's rules and begin today to follow them. If you slip up, just dust yourself off and start over. I know the pain is crushing and breath-taking, and there's no way around it, you have to push through it and feel the burn. But it DOES get easier. Post a lot and you'll get lots of support here. And remember, we are all just walking each other home. Hugs!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I've gone through Sandi's rules but I feel it doesn't apply in this situation.
My wife has gone back to her mother's in another city, in another country.
She was adamant about divorce. What she did and the way and the way she did it. It's been six days and I'm still in shock.
We were having problems for a couple of years and we did have separation for three months - 03/11/16 to 3/02/17. But from the moment she left I have been trying to win her back. When she came back home, I did everything possible to show her that I was changing - with words and actions. She didn't respond to anything. In fact she did everything in her power to make us fight, be uncooperative, stop intimacy. And now this approximately six weeks later.
I don't know how much more of this I have to bear. And I feel ashamed.
Folks,
I just happened to stumble upon one our mutual 'friends' posts and guess who is happy and smiling in it - my wife! This is on Sunday when I was pouring my heart out to her in a reconciliation message.
This with the same friend who was in our home six months ago on a holiday, spent Christmas and New Year's with us last year. The same friend that wrote '...to the best couple I know' on our last anniversary. I sent her heartfelt messages when her father passed away in December. She is divorced and made her way back to our life a couple of years ago. Introduced my wife to click of single and other divorced women. I've had a hunch for a while that she has had a big influence in my wife's change in behaviour over the last year or so and ultimately this decision. Just feel betrayed.
This just keeps getting more painful by the minute friends.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/27/1705:10 AM. Reason: Combine posts
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I just happened to stumble upon one our mutual 'friends' posts and guess who is happy and smiling in it - my wife! This is on Sunday when I was pouring my heart out to her in a reconciliation message.
That's tough. Very tough. Do whatever you can to hide posts from any friends where she may show up. You need it for yourself to help detach.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Introduced my wife to click of single and other divorced women. I've had a hunch for a while that she has had a big influence in my wife's change in behaviour over the last year or so and ultimately this decision. Just feel betrayed.
Yep. Been there. In my case, it was the ex's sister that had that influence. The grass is greener, she says. Oh well, it is what it is.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Did she regret anything from her side at any point?
Did she come back a few times before finally filing the papers?
I can't tell if she is happier. If you know my story, then you'd know that she is a freaking chameleon that blends to fit. Does she act happy? No. Does she act sad? No. Can't tell at all. No biggie...it is what it is. She never came back. See, when they are done, they are done. And mine was done. Mine was in the midst of her affair and calling him her future husband and all up until filing. Good stuff.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I mean how to find out if she has had or having an affair.
Look for the classic signs first - is she hiding her phone? Changing her appearance? A new friend she suddenly talks about? Sex - has it stopped altogether or dramatically increased? If you gut is telling you something isn't right, then it usually isn't.
You could snoop. You could go such lengths as get recorders. Or a PI. Some say don't, some say do. For some, cheating is the final straw...trust is hard enough gain but almost impossible to restore.
In reality, does it matter?
What you should be doing is working on yourself. This may be sucktastic to hear, but you need to pretend as if she doesn't exist at all. Become the best you can. Do new things. Go new places. Put her things away so they aren't a reminder. Whatever it is, do it for you.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
She always did hide her phone but it was bit more over the last year or so.
There are some old friends that have re-emerged-I know most of them. They are more her friends than mine but still have been part of 'our' lives.
But, she did start building a new circle over the last year or so. I felt like she was starting to live a single life-this was one of my issues with her.
I still don't think there was any 'one' new friend as such. But, then again who knows. Maybe, I don't want to believe it.
Also, We hadn't been intimate for 9-10 months before the separation.
What I can't get over is how our circle of friends may be involved in this or on her side. Not sure if I'm being paranoid here.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
She always did hide her phone but it was bit more over the last year or so.
There are some old friends that have re-emerged-I know most of them. They are more her friends than mine but still have been part of 'our' lives.
But, she did start building a new circle over the last year or so. I felt like she was starting to live a single life-this was one of my issues with her.
I still don't think there was any 'one' new friend as such. But, then again who knows. Maybe, I don't want to believe it.
Also, We hadn't been intimate for 9-10 months before the separation.
What I can't get over is how our circle of friends may be involved in this or on her side. Not sure if I'm being paranoid here.
Why the first separation? Why the lack of intimacy?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
jbroken, sorry to hear what you are going through. Just be thankful that you found this place as the advise you get and what you read will ultimately help you in the long run.
In regards to determining if an A is going on, I would not bother yourself with it. I would say to just focus on yourself and not worry about what she is up to. I know this is very hard to do, but you will just drive yourself nuts trying to find out who she is with and what she is doing.
I also wouldn't be contacting her family anymore. Unfortunately, blood is thicker than water so you might not get anywhere trying to convince them that she needs to work on your M. Same goes with the circle of friends you guys have. They may or may not be feeding your W with thoughts about how great D is, but none of that will matter. Ultimately, it will be your W's decision.
The best thing you can do now is to focus on GAL that does not involve your W. Letting go and moving on is so hard to do, but it will eventually help you heal from the devastating loss that you are feeling right now.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
I also wouldn't be contacting her family anymore. Unfortunately, blood is thicker than water so you might not get anywhere trying to convince them that she needs to work on your M. Same goes with the circle of friends you guys have. They may or may not be feeding your W with thoughts about how great D is, but none of that will matter. Ultimately, it will be your W's decision.
Solid. I have one mole in my ex's camp that is a deep mole, but at the end of the day its all about blood.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
She always did hide her phone but it was bit more over the last year or so.
There are some old friends that have re-emerged-I know most of them. They are more her friends than mine but still have been part of 'our' lives.
But, she did start building a new circle over the last year or so. I felt like she was starting to live a single life-this was one of my issues with her.
I still don't think there was any 'one' new friend as such. But, then again who knows. Maybe, I don't want to believe it.
Also, We hadn't been intimate for 9-10 months before the separation.
What I can't get over is how our circle of friends may be involved in this or on her side. Not sure if I'm being paranoid here.
Hello jbroken,
It is going to sound like an echo around here because I agree that you need to focus all of your time, effort and energy on yourself right now.
It would be helpful to stop mind reading and trying to figure out what is going on in her head. I know, easier said than done. Avoid social media or hide certain friends/family so that it isn't front and center. Do this to protect yourself.
It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. Was this an issue previous to the last 9-10 months?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Prior to the separation, she did a few things that completely put me off her. It made me feel that I was an option not a priority. So I 'door slammed' her for a couple of months. I understand that was wrong on my part (once she asked for a separation). What bothered me during was that she never once made attempt to find out why I was doing it! Or what was wrong. Her mother was visiting at the time and she didn't even try to patch up things between us. Finally, when my wife did finally speak, it was 'I can't do this anymore. I want a divorce.' After I told her my issues with her, she apologised but still kept harping the same tune. I kept insisting we need to come together now to heal and work on our marriage. Eventually, we brought it down to a separation. Since then up until last week, I made all efforts to show her my changes on the issues she had with me. But, still this.
On the lack of intimacy - for the first few months on my part this was because I was doing some therapy at the time - issues with work and death of a close friend. She initiated things only a couple of times during where I didn't respond-forgive me! But, after that she never really made any moves. This rolled on for a bit. We then we had friends come stay with us, then her mother and then the couple of months of the door slam which brought us to the separation I referred to above. So quite a lot of this period is circumstantial too.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I feel that if do GAL, focus on myself and let it be seen I'm doing well. She will turnaround and say 'see your fine and doing well, so let's sign the papers and move on'. So I'm confused on what my next step should be.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Also what upsets even more is that 'our' (if I can even call them that) circle of friends don't care about me in all this. Not a single person wished us on our anniversary on FB - so they knew this was happening and they are clearly showing their loyalties. I mean even if they know, not a single text to say-are you OK!
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Prior to the separation, she did a few things that completely put me off her. It made me feel that I was an option not a priority. So I 'door slammed' her for a couple of months. I understand that was wrong on my part (once she asked for a separation). What bothered me during was that she never once made attempt to find out why I was doing it! Or what was wrong.
Did you attempt to communicate to her what was wrong?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
No, I didn't and I know now that was a mistake on my part. One which I did apologise for. I suppose I was waiting for her conscience to realise where her faults were in that situation. Does that automatically make me a bad husband. What about the fact that she didn't once ask me what was wrong? Nevertheless, wherever I was wrong I owned up to them and made honest efforts to correct those actions up until the point of her leaving. She doesn't own up to hers. If I can why can't she? I don't understand.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
You can't control what your W does. You can only control what you do. You should choose to do right no matter what your W chooses to do. You aren't a bad husband or a good husband by one action and you can't change the past. You can only change the present.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I agree with you completely. And these have been my exact words to my W as soon as the separation began in November up until D day. All she keeps saying is 'it's too late'. If you love someone is it ever too late? You want someone to change but, you don't want to give them the chance or the time to do so - how does that make sense. It's so frustrating.
And to top it all off she has slated off our entire marriage and made me seem like a bad husband. Which is so hurtful. It seems our entire circle of friends has bought it too-she is the victim. Do people even think that there are two sides to a story anymore?
Nevertheless, I'm trying to implement whatever DB I can at this stage. I've Gone Dark for the last five days. But I'm really confused as to whether I should GAL and let it be seen that I'm doing well. Will she turnaround and say 'see your fine and doing great, so let's sign the papers and move on'. Any advice?
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
No, but don't think your love for her is the same as hers for you, if there is any. You are trying to think of her views through your eyes.
Quote:
And to top it all off she has slated off our entire marriage and made me seem like a bad husband. Which is so hurtful. It seems our entire circle of friends has bought it too-she is the victim. Do people even think that there are two sides to a story anymore?
Nope. Same here. Exact same. The divorce is all my fault - even in the eyes of friends. Well, except for one that I sent some of the pictures because enough was enough...that was an eye opener of the most extreme level.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Will she turnaround and say 'see your fine and doing great, so let's sign the papers and move on'. Any advice?
Sorry, hit submit too soon. Get out and GAL. I can't stress this enough. It won't push her towards divorce, or stop her, for that matter. It isn't about her, so don't make your life choices around someone who has done what she has to you. Let me ask you this, if doing something makes her stay out of guilt, then that guilt will turn to resentment over the years...is that what you want if that were to happen?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
That's what I can't get over. How is it that everything is my fault? Why do people that I know too are so quick to side with her? They have seen us together - I'm a good person and have been a good husband in a lot of ways! Now, I don't know if they know how my W has actually left. I'm not sure if I should reach out to a few and test if they know she abandoned me the way she did.
In terms of GAL - should I let it be seen on social media? I feel so dead inside that I don't even know if I can fake it.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Thanks for all your support, advice and kind words over the last few days. It has been extremely helpful to navigate these tough waters I've found myself in.
It's been a week since I've GD (well, sort of). I'm just wondering, how long should I do this for? And do I initiate first contact or should I just hold-off until the W makes the first move? What if she doesn't for a month or so?
In terms of GAL, I've decided I'm going start doing this in small steps - not for the W but for me. I still not clear whether I should let it be seen on social media? Any advice?
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
It's been a week since I've GD (well, sort of). I'm just wondering, how long should I do this for?
Personally I went dark for over 3 straight weeks before he made contact, but there are MANY on these boards who have been dark for MONTHS! So don't expect results. You should not be going dark for results anyway. You do it for YOU, to get the load of worry off your back. The sooner you can accept that the old relationship is over, and start working on a life without your spouse, the sooner you will start to find peace. You cannot control your spouse's decisions, so everything you do should be about becoming a better you, and don't ever look back over your shoulder to see if they are watching. Same for social media. Do what you would normally do. Just don't post things to try and get a reaction from spouse. It can't matter any more whether they see it or not. Do it for you. It will get easier. I think everyone on here will agree with me on that. Hang in there!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I intend to GD until the W makes initial contact. I fear that she may not for a while and the thought of her not wanting to really breaks my heart. At the same time I'm still hopeful that she will. It is really confusing. I feel like it is a sort of punishment.
It's been a week and already a common 'friend' posted a group pic on FB with her smiling from ear to ear. She been liked and commented on posts for a couple of days too. Functioning as though nothing's happened.
I also feel this some sort of ploy to give me time to accept the situation so somehow I end up filing for D! What a clusterf**k this whole situation is.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Yeah, the common theme that brought all of us here is a big hot mess. I would say to you- plan each day as if she is not going to communicate or respond to you at all. Have zero expectations. I know it breaks your heart! But this will help the cycle of anxiety-driven thoughts that spin in your head. If you overthink all of this, it can be confusing, but then again... as someone (Jeep I think) said- it's really so simple. LET GO OF HER. I don't mean that to sound harsh. I just wish someone could have reached through the internet and shaken me that first week or so, as I (figuratively, thank God) clung to his car bumper as he backed out of the driveway. THAT DID NOT WORK SO WELL FOR ME. And just FWIW, facebook can be fun on your birthday, but overall, that's about all. No one's posts reflect their true lives. Don't get hung up there. ((((jbroken))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
A big part of me says 'You rejected me, you refused my love, how dare you. I'll show you what you've lost.' Perhaps that's my wounded male pride as I never thought in a million years that she would be the one to walk out!
And I guess the worst part for me is the way she did it! It was brutal. If you claim to love someone how can you end things on such terms. I mean she cleaned out our home - took wedding pictures, art I bought her, our joint memories - didn't I have a right to these too!
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
jbroken, I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I am new here as well but have known a long time that things were askew. I think when they leave they feel relief that things are out in the open, I too heard nothing from family and friends even though he was crazy posting on FB and blocked me even though I posted nothing.
Some contact you directly, but if they are passive-aggressive it may be other ways. Mine used to try to use our bank account to send me messages. I am pretty sure they were intentional. He will also make up excuses to contact me every week, rain or shine.
Going dark does make it somewhat easier. It also makes you more mysterious to her. The further he is the better I feel. When he starts circling back I get confused.
Forget about pride. That is gone. I was told that the better I feel about myself the more likely I won't ever want him back. I do see how that could be a possibility.
Thanks for your support. It just kills me that the W seems to be doing well and I feel these rollercoaster of pain, embarrassment and rejection.
And even though I've GD I just can't shake all this off. I keep telling myself 'she doesn't deserve me' and 'I'll show her' but doesn't seem to be working.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Yes you should be GALing. Go out and meet some new people. Go out and take up some new hobby(s). For social media, I'd say it doesn't matter so much. Post or don't. What mattters is that you're doing it.
Hi J- just checking in on you today. In your post above you said something that jumped off the screen at me- "she doesn't deserve me" and "I'll show her." What are the common pronouns in those 2 sentences? SHE and HER. You're making it all about her. I want to begin to see your posts saying more about YOU. Remember, stop looking over your shoulder to see if she's watching. Chances are, she's not. And maybe someday she will- but I'm pretty sure it won't be at least until you're not checking to see if she is. You've got to detach in your head. Your heart will eventually follow. Hang in there!! You got this.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Hi leahsue, thanks for checking up on me - I find a lot of comfort that. This has been a bad day for me so far. I just can't get over how hard hearted my W must be to not even care if I am alive or dead. How does love just die like that? Even on a compassionate basis. Makes me wonder if she ever loved me at all. The thought that I'm not in her thoughts or that she isn't missing me right now causes a pain in me that I can't really describe in words.
I know I have to detach in my head. But whether or not I can detach my heart only time will tell. For the moment I am just taking each day as it comes - good or bad. I know I should have no expectations that GD will work and she may reach out in time. But, somewhere deep inside I can't seem to extinguish that faint glimmer of hope that we still have a fighting chance. I know that may across as deluded to everyone here - it certainly does to others in my life. But, it's just the truth.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
It's OK to always keep the faint glimmer of hope alive. I think we all do that. You have to keep that between you, this board, and the good Lord. :)(for now.) My H was the same way. One day he was loving, attentive, seemed to adore me, and like overnight he changed. The hardest thing I think I've learned from this nightmare is that love- the feeling- is fleeting; it comes and goes like happiness. But love-the decision - is more like joy. It's constant but sometimes you can't see it or feel it. You just have to keep on keepin on until the sun breaks through. And it will, for you, too, my friend. (In one of my most shameful, opposite of DB reactions, I remember screaming to him- was all this (my hand sweeping boxes of love notes, cards, photos, etc.) just a lie??? Of course he had no answer, but it was spoken out of absolute wide open pain, raw and unattractive.) And that pain of her not missing you that you can't describe? You don't have to- you have comrades beside you on this road who know it all too well. I'm really struggling today myself. I don't feel good physically-I think allergies- but I'm just so tired of thinking about the whole lot. I'm doing All. Of. The. Things. that we are supposed to do, but I just feel really shaky. It's good to come here on both kinds of days, b/c there is usually someone hanging out here who needs to feel needed too, and encouragement can usually be found. I think I'll go over to my thread and ask for some encouragement myself. Meanwhile, you keep taking one day at a time. You're already a better man for having felt this kind of pain and standing up to stare it right back in the face.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Your words have really helped me today. Thank you. Really. I hope I can be a shoulder and offer you the same encouragement when I'm stronger. I will pray for me. And for you today.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
That's what I can't get over. How is it that everything is my fault? Why do people that I know too are so quick to side with her? They have seen us together - I'm a good person and have been a good husband in a lot of ways! Now, I don't know if they know how my W has actually left. I'm not sure if I should reach out to a few and test if they know she abandoned me the way she did.
In terms of GAL - should I let it be seen on social media? I feel so dead inside that I don't even know if I can fake it.
Every thing is our fault. That's how they justify things...to make their own selves feel better.
Now, why would you want to reach out and test to see if anyone knows? None of their business, your personal live is. What is your goal - to have them put in some word or something? Not a good idea on any part...at best, it would make you look bad.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks for your support and your words. Though some of it has been hard to take in I will admit.
If she has had an affair then I guess that would be it for us. But, I really don't know and it's killing me. Why are you going to the "if she had an affair then..."??
There is no evidence of an A but you admit you have a temper problem and other problems you say she listed, but you didn't write them out. I see zero value in putting your focus off yourself.
A bad temper is a big deal. It's a solid reason for a woman to leave a m, without having an affair. Not to mention she's holing up at her mom's now, not elsewhere.
What are you doing to address your temper issue? Have you sought out counseling for it? Did either of your parents have a temper?
Regardless of what happens to your m, controlling your temper is required of a healthy strong man. Strong men are in control of themselves, and don't try to control others.
In case your w does turn her head, it'll be far more likely to arouse her curiosity if she learns that you really are changing, not just promising to.
This^^ is something you CAN do.
And if she doesn't love me or isn't 'in love' with me that means she never did or was. I don't know what could be a worst feeling. This^^ is plain old incorrect. And it's not healthy AND it keeps the focus on her and the past, and prevents you from working on the one person you can affect, YOU.
WORK ON YOU and stay in your sandbox. Tell us the other issues you are trying to address.
Tell us what your w would say if she were here?
They say if you love someone let them go, if they return, they are yours, if they don't, they never were. These words keep resonating with me at the moment.
After my long emotional message on Sunday-which she read but did not reply to-I've gone dark. Is her silence my response? I suppose I'm still hopeful that she is taking time, that perhaps her heart will soften. Am I doing the right thing for now? I really have no idea.
Well, have you read any of the books?
Why not start there? The first chapter is in Cadet's first post to you.
What we say will make a ton more sense and yes there is hope. But you DO need to DO somethings. Not just wait and hope and repeat.
And the historical reviews and second guessing are not helping you at all.
Be here now. (Notice that Exploiting your fears about affairs or questioning everything you had, coincidentally avoids you doing your own work. )
From your post it's clear you two discussed your temper and other issues she raised with you, before.
Presumably you promised her you'd change. And then what?
How will you address this differently now?
Just, people do separate and they do reconcile. It is possible. But no woman will return to the same marriage she left.
Give her a new different vision of how the marriage will be different, b/c you are different.
And if you think she has issues to work on, table them for now.
She's not here trying to save the m. You are.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She may seem happy now, but it won't last. I am a little further out in terms of the cycle. My told me immediately after the BD that he felt giddy (although I was in utter despair at the time and he knew it). He kept posting stuff about how happy he was. Fast forward several months since I kicked him out and it is now over a year from BD. Now he posts stuff that shows how unhappy he is. He is sending my kids weepy texts asking them to contact him. Looks can be deceiving.
People are telling you to GAL because the only way to make the pain subside is to have other things to focus on. Truly work on being genuinely happy. GAL doesn't mean that you are giving up on her. Who knows, maybe you will be back with her someday. Maybe you won't. The next 6 months, year, whatever will go by no matter what you do. Six months from now do you still want to be stuck and mad at yourself for not moving forward or do you want to be living a happier life?
And that's what really upsets me. W can't remember my good points or any good times. It seems to hard-hearted and unfair.
We could have parted on lot better terms than what she has done. I fail to make sense of it. It is devoid of compassion or love.
Point taken on reaching out to common friends. I do feel that sadly folks know as no one wished us on our wedding anniversary on FB. Is that just a coincidence? My gut doesn't think so. Nevertheless, my aim was to just let them know my side and the W ended things. But, I guess no one really cares about me in this otherwise someone would've have sent at least a message to say they're sorry that this is happening.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
And that's what really upsets me. W can't remember my good points or any good times. It seems to hard-hearted and unfair.
Understand that. Same here, my friend. Same here. My ex doesn't remember any, either. Just what she chooses to blame me for.
Quote:
Nevertheless, my aim was to just let them know my side and the W ended things. But, I guess no one really cares about me in this otherwise someone would've have sent at least a message to say they're sorry that this is happening.
I thought the same thing, but it fell on death ears. I would suggest keeping friends and others who don't need to know out of it. Sorry you are going through this. I really am. You will find that she will spin things so much they may not believe you, at all. If you find yourself defending yourself too much, then that's not fun. That's why I just stay away and if asked, I answer. Besides, that's the higher road...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I read your points a few times and you are correct on a lot of fronts - if not all.
My W would tell you I have had quick temper, been too critical, not appreciative enough and not had too much of a social life outside of her and our common friends.
What I can also say hand on heart that as soon as she returned home after the separation I put every bit of my soul to show her that I am changing on all those fronts - and she saw them. We were getting somewhere and all it needed was time. That what's she has cut short. 'Too late', 'You had five years', etc.
I will still work on those issues and continue to do so until I conquer them all. It just breaks my heart that she may not see the ways in which I will be a better man. For me. For her. For us.
Regarding the book - does this is help when the W is full speed ahead on the D train? I got the feeling that it is more relevant when we both are under the same roof.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I needed to speak to a couple of them for something completely unrelated. Talk about bad timing! But, do you think that should be OK? Just not mention it or bring up the current state of affairs.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I really hope that ends up being true. I really do. That she misses me, remembers me, feels me. But, at this stage it doesn't look like she cares one bit. Not even a message to see if I am alive or dead! No compassion. No love. Absolutely nothing.
TBH, I feel that she doesn't love me anymore. And rather than tell me to my face. She is showing me. She is trying to kill my love for her. So I give up and walk away. This has truly been on my mind for the last couple of days.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Jbroken, Hello! although my story is slightly different, it is the same in some aspects. I relate to your pain. my H dropped the "ive been unhappy for a long time" bomb on me last week. he wants to work on things but is fearful that the spark won't come back. He "loves me" but not "in love" with me. I'm a great person, Im loving, passionate, caring, but not "compatible" with him anymore. we are still living together, but its extremely awkward. I posted in the newcomers forum if you are interested in my story- I like that there is a lot of support here, it gives me hope and Im going to be buying the book also. keep your head up, there is hope. I'm holding on to that notion as well.
Don't give her this much power. I promise you that my H said worse things than probably anyone on here. He told me that my 25 years of dedication almost killed him. He told me that he hated me again and again. He said that we should have dated two weeks and broken up (after 25 years of marriage). He told me he would rather be affectionate with anyone in the world but me. He told me that no one else would have put up with me. He put on FB that some mistakes you never stop paying for (the kids did not love that one). On and on.
Saturday he posted a poem about a husband and father who longs to return home. WTF?
These people are not in their right minds. They do not know what they want. I wish I had not wasted months begging and pleading and telling him what he was giving up. I wish I had done only 180s, gone dark, given him time and space, moved on faster. Only now am I feeling some power from leaving him alone and making him come to me. I pursued him for years and pushed him further and further away. I neglected myself and my kids and spent all my energy on him.
Take your power. Let her experience that life she thinks she has been missing and how wonderful it is. Until she does, it will always be some missed opportunity, some nagging doubt. This is your chance to prove to yourself that you can live without her. Every single day it gets easier.
That's the plan so far - GD and 180 - and I'm sticking to it.
However, I do believe my W being at her Mother's is working against our chances as there are many including her mother that will influence and encourage to move on. And move on quickly. Not much I can do there I guess.
What is your advice when it comes to our common 'friends'? From the lack of contact with me plus not wishing us on our wedding anniversary, I presume they all know. Would be very hard to believe if they didn't - particularly the ladies. I also presume that she has poisoned all of them against me. And I'm sure she would've have been very convincing of it too. She has literally left me with no one - not a single one of them I can call and say my side of the story.
I needed to speak to a couple of them for something completely unrelated-before all this happened. Talk about bad timing! But, do you think that should be OK? Just not mention it or bring up the current state of affairs. But, if it is mentioned - how should I handle that?
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
As soon as my H left I could see from the phone bill that he was reaching out to a bunch of people that he had not dealt with in years, including his mother who never liked me. The first time I ever met him he told me he couldn't stand her and he didn't have much to do with her for 25 years. He started visiting his brother and brother's kids (he had never gone to see them even though we lived 2 hours away or less for the last 15 years). All of that already seems to have stopped. If the parents and friends weren't in the picture much, it probably won't last. I'm sure he lied to them and they all told him he was doing the right thing and encouraged the break. But in the end he is the one that has to live with it, not them.
We had pretty separate lives. I had my work and friends, and the kids, and their friends and activities. He had work friends and a cousin he talked to. Our families have never interacted. We are both pretty hermit-like.
What I will say is this, do not worry about getting your story out or your side out. I think he is coming back around now because I have done nothing to embarass him. I posted nothing about FB about the split, him, etc. I contacted no one from his family.
If she sees you doing these things, she will know you have not moved on and your going dark and doing 180 will be ineffective. I think people will remind you that you are doing those things for yourself, not her. As you get a little further down the road you will realize that.
Try doing what you would normally do with your common friends, but don't talk about the situation. Don't paint her negatively or seek for them to take sides. By focusing on getting your story out, you are making this a battle of attrition. You are setting yourself up as the other side.
If people bring it up just thank them for caring and remind them that we all go through challenges in our lives and you are just moving on with yours. If she gets that message back it will be a jolt to her far more than you telling her friends and family all of the less than pleasant details. People are attracted to strength, not weepy messes. If you can walk in strength and work on you and keep your head held high, no matter how this turns out you will be a winner. Or you can cry and plot and beg and plead and be stuck in this place until you finally get out of your own way.
I really appreciate the your advice on dealing with our common friends. I figure most already know and if so have already picked her side. Which is hurtful. But, expected as she has probably building the case for D for while. Nevertheless, I will stick to the high road and pray it works in my favour.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
What is your advice when it comes to our common 'friends'? From the lack of contact with me plus not wishing us on our wedding anniversary, I presume they all know. Would be very hard to believe if they didn't - particularly the ladies. I also presume that she has poisoned all of them against me. And I'm sure she would've have been very convincing of it too. She has literally left me with no one - not a single one of them I can call and say my side of the story.
In my case, all of our 'common' friends just backed off completely rather than 'taking sides'. Just because they arent communicating with you, it doesnt mean that they are in her corner. Id give it some time and then you can begin to approach them again.
In the meantime, I wonder if you can start to make new friends through GAL that will just be jbroken's friends. They will know you as you and not as Mrs. jbroken's H.
If people bring it up just thank them for caring and remind them that we all go through challenges in our lives and you are just moving on with yours.
This entire post from helies is great! I especially like the way to talk to mutual friends who bring it up. I'm saving this post for future reference. THANK YOU HELIES!!
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
I didn't think of it that way at all. A different perspective. I must point out though I say 'common' friends but, the primary relationship always been through the W. I guess that's why I'm unsure of their position. I guess it doesn't really matter. I know I have to take the high road here. But, feels a tad unfair as it was my W that left!
I'm trying hard with the GAL - it's just proving a bit difficult to connect with people. Small steps I guess. I was constantly plagued by shock and disbelief today at this situation. Had to steel myself frequently.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Jbroken, Helies summed it up pretty well. I feel your pain, right through the screen! I am an introvert by nature, so it has been hard for me to get out of the house and GAL. Although I do have a life with friends, (sisters I am very close to, and two very close friends) they also have busy lives and sometimes its hard to connect. This is actually one of my H's complaints- I'm not "fun". I am fun, just not in the manner he would like me to be. I have always been told I am an "old soul" and while I am by no means "boring", I just have fun in different ways than people my age. I don't really have to worry too much about the common friends thing, although we have a lot of aquaintances together, and its somewhat of a smaller town, and his sister is marrying my sister and brother in law's best friend, so if things Don't work out, it's going to be forever awkward
I wish for you whatever you want to have happen. the last week has been the worst time of my life thus far, the most painful. Keep your head up and a smile on your face.
One of the issues my W has is that I was anti-social. I prefer to interact within an intimate circle. It's where I really come alive. And yes, I like my alone time too. But, I don't think that makes me anti-social by any means. It also probably doesn't help that this intimate circle includes her and common friends. And these interactions lately had become less frequent which I guess didn't help matters. There is always a push from my W to make friends not connected to her. That's part of my GAL strategy. Not because she wants it but because I believe it is right thing to do.
Perhaps, this is why she started making a whole new life for herself separate to me back in her hometown when she used to visit. Making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. This was just a year or so ago-since our relationship started going downhill. I've always encouraged to be herself-she is the outgoing, more social type and I see no need to repress that. In fact, I consider it one of our strengths as a couple-I'm the deep conversationalist and she's the social butterfly. I guess she saw the grass as too green to miss.
Thanks for your words of encouragement-they made me break a smile.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I have a development to share with you all. There was an incident in the city today. After eleven days of GD I have just received a message from my W. It reads
'Be safe - and try and go to work earlier to avoid rush hours too.'
I have clicked on it yet as she will be able to see that I have read it. Should I wait a while to check it? And once I do should I reply? What should I say as a response?
I guess it is just a message you would write to anyone. Just on a compassionate basis. At least she thought of me. My safety. But, I can't help but read into too much!
Any advice? Rules of thumb I should follow?
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I'd respond like this: "Thank you! Hope you have a great day." And leave it at that.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I have clicked on it yet as she will be able to see that I have read it. Should I wait a while to check it? And once I do should I reply? What should I say as a response?
What works for you? I used to stress every time to get that 'perfect' time in between when I got the text and when I responded. I realized it was a waste of energy. Id say, in general, dont always respond right away. But I dont think theres much of a difference between 15 minutes, an hour, 3 hours, and so on. It doesnt sound like theres much communication anyway, but if it does increase, then waiting and responding all at once after a work day is reasonable.
As for the response, Jeep's is fine. Id probably say something like "Thanks. You take care also." or something. Short and simple.
Id probably say something like "Thanks. You take care also." or something. Short and simple.
I agree with Kaizen - "Thanks. You take care also."
jbroken - I assume you are in London, so I do hope that you take care and everything is okay - stay safe. I think her text was out of compassion for someone she has previously cared about. London had a tragedy yesterday, so people reach out to friends and family. Don't read into it.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
I agree with the others! Keep your reply short and simple. People tend to reach out with a softer heart in the face of frightening things happening around them. Don't read too much into it on a personal level. But do stay safe. We are praying for your city.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Jeep74, Kaizen, KevinIn, leahsue, thank you all for your prayers and concern. It was indeed a tragedy. But, we are a resilient lot - already onwards and upwards.
I guess I want to believe she has more concern for me than say, a friend. But, seems like I'm just another one on a list.
A very large part of me doesn't even want to respond. I don't know how exactly to place that - it's like 'you don't have the right to care about me.' Any thoughts?
If I do respond, I'll do so after work. Going to go with Kaizen's suggestion - 'Thanks. You take care also.'
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
'Be safe - and try and go to work earlier to avoid rush hours too.'
jbroken,
In response, I'd have to be cheeky. I'd buy an alphabet stencil and washable markers and get a friend to stencil that sentence ("Be safe...") on your chest so it looks like a tattoo. Then take a picture of it and send the picture to her along with a message that says that her words meant so much to you that you had them tattooed on your chest.
I'll save that move as a last resort. Though I am tempted by the idea!
Doodler has some fantastic ideas at times...
I like this. May have to try it out on HQ and see if it gets a rise...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I'm really not sure if I even want to respond to my W! It's now approaching a day. A week ago I would've reacted differently. Is this part of the 'screw you too' phase? Have any of you felt this way?
I believe this is mainly because of the way I was treated when she left. I wrote her messages for a couple of days after and she would read but not respond. Made her relationship status private on FB, blocked me on Instagram, ignored my mother's message, etc.
I'm so confused about these mixed feelings.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Given that its been a day now, don't even bother...it would look odd that late into the game.
Quote:
I believe this is mainly because of the way I was treated when she left. I wrote her messages for a couple of days after and she would read but not respond. Made her relationship status private on FB, blocked me on Instagram, ignored my mother's message, etc.
So, here's the deal - just let it go. Hard to do. Very hard. But that is telling. She doesn't want to be bothered. If she texts or whatever, answer back with a small, quick thing.
Don't even try to figure it out. It'll mess you up...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
You reckon a day after is too late. I haven't read it yet, so technically I haven't received it. But, I see your perspective here. I guess I don't want it to be construed for a tit for tat situation but, you can't have your cake and eat it too!
Sound advice for next time - keep it short and do it quick.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Don't worry about it. Right now, when all of this is still fresh, you can't see through your own fog. You think it's important to get everything right. The reality is, whether or not you respond to the message, it's not going to make any substantial difference in the outcome. What if the message got lost in the ether on went to the spam folder? Don't respond this time and maybe respond to the next one.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
^^^^totally agree with doodler. Don't think any response is going to magically make her fall back into your arms. I would leave it alone at this point and if she messages you again then just give her a short but sweet reply.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
All your points make sense. I'll let this one slide. Let's see if there is another one. Time will tell I guess. Would be interesting to see what the topic will be.
You are right about the haziness. Though I must admit I'm having one of those very stone cold numb days.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
And now I'm back to thinking I may have stonewalled her and come across as resentful for not replying back.
Help!
Not at all. You're grasping at straws at what you think may make a difference.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jbroken, you are right. People have the definition of anti-social wrong these days. I do interact with other people very well, I'm just very picky who I let in, and who I associate with. When my h and I met he had told me he didn't mind be being that way, he was somewhat right in the middle anyway as far a being social or not and really did enjoy being alone or hanging out in small circles. I have a blast when I'm out with a couple good friends, I can open up, be myself. When I'm at a party, or a crowd- anxiety steps in and I cannot open up. Now, he feels this is a turn off. I'm "insecure". sorry to hear about your city. thinking of you!
That word 'anti-social' was so painful to hear from her. She said to my folks. Her mother said to me. I was never a social butterfly like my W. I truly believed that we complimented each other on that front. I made her the centre of my world and I seemed to have been penalised for it!
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I made her the centre of my world and I seemed to have been penalised for it!
No, you were not. What happens though, is that people change over time, that's a fact. Also, going through this and when a spouse decides to no longer be with us, things that may have been endearing to them at one time no longer are and become a nuisance. It is what it is. Trying to figure it out will lead you down some dark paths that you do not want to go...I know, I've been there.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
jbroken, I am sorry this has thrown you into such a tailspin. I have been off in melancholy land and am returning to the land of the living. One thing I found on my adventure there was that my penchant for mind-reading is driving me literally insane and getting me nowhere. Read BluWave's latest set of posts on what she learned from her H about what she thought and what was really going on. Leave the mind-reading to the palm readers and crystal ball gazers.
Now, on to that text. I used to play the game about how long should I wait to open and read. My H still does. He did it to me yesterday. But that is what it is, a game. Doesn't a normal person in a normal situation get a text, read it and respond. Don't you want her to see you as a normal person. I don't think delay here is bad. This was a major bad tragic event. Sometimes people just need some time. Do what feels right for you. There is a big difference between initiating contact and responding to contact.
The friends thing is interesting. In the last few years my H began to comment about why I didn't have more friends, why we didn't have mutual friends, etc. I think he was adding that to his list of justifications for how I am flawed or our relationship was flawed. Make friends for you. Friendship isn't something you can fake. There are a lot of great introverts in this world who have accomplished amazing things. Read the book Quiet (it will give you something to do instead of thinking about her so much).
I clicked on the message my mistake a few hours ago so technically, I've only just read it. But, your perspective is interesting. Yes, I do want her to think of me as a normal person. And normally I would've replied. But, this isn't a normal situation. I've just scrolled through the messaged I sent her for a couple of days after she walked out. And not a single sentence to make me feel better. Not even 'I'm sorry'. Nearly two weeks of not initiating contact and I didn't get single message to even check if I was alive or dead. It was brutal and heartless.
What I felt as soon as I did hear from her was rejection. She rejected me. She rejected us. She rejected our future together. And my heart seems to have that emotion on loop. But, I do see your point about responding to contact.Perhaps, I've made an error?
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
What I meant by normal is that living our lives as though they are measured in teaspoons and trying to endgame everything is exhausting and frustrating and gets us nowhere. She contacted you. That is something. Maybe it was just concern for someone in the past (I've sent similar things to distant folks). Maybe it was her realzing for the first time in a while that she has some flicker of a feeling. Who knows. You probably never will.
I would just treat this text as you would a next door neighbor. If you would normally respond to a text of this nature do so. Forget that it is from her. Do it for your own sense of sanity. Then let it go. Move on. GAL. Be happy. Then you don't have to worry about whether she is offended or delighted or anything else. Just act in a "normal" fashion. Be the person you normally are. And leave the game playing up to her.
Ultimately you have to decide whether your heart is open to her or not. If it isn't, move on and don't care and don't respond. If it is or you aren't sure, be civil because not responding isn't going to move anything anywere. Just don't put your hopes into a response because you will be setting yourself up for disappointment.
You've made some really valid points. My heart is open to her. But, the wound she left has made it raw. Too raw at the moment. Time will tell if it is able to heal from this trauma.
I did want to respond to her today. But, I didn't. I feel the train has left the station on this one. I waited too long to decide. And now feel it would just be too awkward. I hope there will be another - not driven by some catastrophe but, because she thinks of me and really wants to know how I am doing.
On a lighter note, I got a new haircut today. I look similar to how I was just before we got married. Just a little seasoned. I feel little better. Going to go out to nice cafe for a few hours and take in some Spring air.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
My H has done that same thing- questioning why I have very little friends, and essentially calling me 'boring' without really saying it. It really makes me angry that he accepted me for who I was in the beginning, so much so that he decides to marry me, then one day, I'm no longer 'the one' for him. It's like I was the new and latest toy on the market, and he was all excited and then one day I was no longer fun to play with. treated like a possession that no longer held any value to him. It's been two weeks since my H's bomb and we have had a counseling session together- which hearing some things during the session were hurtful. I guess it sent me into the angry phase and now I just feel anger and animosity. it caused me to say scr*w it and I went out last night, without him. annnndd, then I woke up sick this morning. lol ugh!!!
I hear you loud and clear.I presume you and your H are still under the same roof? If so, your DB'ing has more chances of succeeding. You hang in there.
Also, I've made a point to avoid pubs, bars and clubs during this time. In this frame of mind I prefer to stay clear of alcohol.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I'm feeling bit down today. I think I'm also coming down with the flu so that doesn't really help matters.
Keep recalling about the things she was saying while she walking out - 'we would eventually get a divorce anyways', 'this is a bad marriage', 'I haven't been happy for too long', 'I'm ending this vicious cycle', 'I'm done trying', 'it's too late'. Then five minutes later, 'I love you but I don't want to be with you'. To top it off she was giving me encouragement 'you will get through this', 'you need to move on'. So painful to hear that I can't really describe in words. What possesses a person to be so cruel, so selfish, to someone she supposedly still 'loves'? I mean you are leaving your H - a person - but, you have the frame of mind to strip our home, get movers to pack things, down to our wedding pictures, anniversary presents I bought her - the man she is leaving behind. Then to ignore my messages, ignore my parents' messages, block me and my parents on Instagram. I still can't seem to get to grips with the way my W has gone about this. That too, after twelve years. What kind of person does this? It's borderline sadistic. How could she think she doing the right thing the way she is? Makes me wonder if this is the same person. Or worst, that I've never really known her.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I finally made the time to order a copy of DR. I hope I can benefit from it to better my current sitch.
As I understand I could have done a lot more with it if my W had not left. But, I'm hoping I'll still get some lessons and put things in practice. Any advice on which chapter to read through first? I should I just start from the beginning?
Yes. Trust this process and so much more will make sense here, if you actually implement the process.
And that begins with reading the book. Chapter 1 has been online for awhile, but
better late than never. Sorry buddy but there are no short cuts.
We'd have found them if there were. God knows we all looked.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've gone through Sandi's rules but I feel it doesn't apply in this situation. Almost everyone says this^^ but yes, it does apply. You resist the advice given here. You want to find the short cut. I understand that. None of us like being in pain.
But if You want to be "right" and not actually DO something different and uncomfortable,
other than to form words in just the right order to get her back, you'll prolong your agony. As a L, I'm used to that thinking ("what are the right words??") but in this situation words always fail.
You can't talk your way out of a situation that behaviors got you into.
You say you have changed, but how so? Can you read the book that forms the basis of this site? It has been suggested since you posted here your first day. The first chapter is free and available...
This^^^^ reveals something about you. Can you tell us what that would be?
My wife has gone back to her mother's in another city, in another country.
She was adamant about divorce. What she did and the way and the way she did it. It's been six days and I'm still in shock. We were having problems for a couple of years and we did have separation for three months - 03/11/16 to 3/02/17. what changed during this^^ year long separation? Can you name 2 specific changes in your behaviors?
But from the moment she left I have been trying to win her back. When she came back home, I did everything possible to show her that I was changing - with words and actions. She didn't respond to anything. In fact she did everything in her power to make us fight, be uncooperative, stop intimacy. And now this approximately six weeks later. why did you guys reconcile in the first place, if she only wanted to leave the marriage?
I don't know how much more of this I have to bear. And I feel ashamed.
I'm sorry you feel shame. Shame/shaming often silences us.
Realizing our part in the demise of our marriage can be devastating. However, shame is usually a counter productive waste.
Learn from your mistakes and make real, lasting changes, b/c you want to be the best YOU that you can be.
DBing isn't really about saving our marriages; it's about saving ourselves. Obviously that helps marriages too, and sometimes it saves them.
But changes made only to get a spouse back, are tactics, not authentic improvements.
Brene Brown has some TED Talks on shame and vulnerability that I think will help you with this part of your grief. Once you acknowledge your issues and are working on them (for real)
then stop the rumination. It's not healthy or helpful in this situation. In the event your w turns her head to look, you want to present yourself with the best you, that you can be.
What were you like when you two married? How'd you attract her to you, then?
Your ultimate goal in self actualization (other than that, itself)
is to become a man only a fool would leave.
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hear you loud and clear.I presume you and your H are still under the same roof? If so, your DB'ing has more chances of succeeding. You hang in there.
Also, I've made a point to avoid pubs, bars and clubs during this time. In this frame of mind I prefer to stay clear of alcohol.
Oh my gosh, yes. my friends are wanting me to drink my feelings away, and I just can't. I know the feelings will be there in the morning along with a terrible hangover and I can't deal. yes we are. things seem up one minute, then not. today was a bad day. he went to a co workers house last night after work for some beers, I never texted him, I said okay and let him be. got home fairly decent time (1:30) came straight to bed. this morning, he had asked if we were going to go hang out with my family (we do this every sunday). i said i wasnt sure because I am under the weather right now but he acted like he wanted to, so I agreed. when we got there he was very reserved, barely engaging in any conversation, completely avoided me. went to leave (we had to drive separate because he had to go to work from there) i intentionally avoided any physical contact with him because of the aloofness he was putting out all day, thought maybe he wanted space, but then he got frustrated that I never initiated a good bye hug and kiss. What the?? I just can't understand.
I'm feeling bit down today. I think I'm also coming down with the flu so that doesn't really help matters.
Keep recalling about the things she was saying while she walking out - 'we would eventually get a divorce anyways', 'this is a bad marriage', 'I haven't been happy for too long', 'I'm ending this vicious cycle', 'I'm done trying', 'it's too late'. Then five minutes later, 'I love you but I don't want to be with you'. To top it off she was giving me encouragement 'you will get through this', 'you need to move on'. So painful to hear that I can't really describe in words. What possesses a person to be so cruel, so selfish, to someone she supposedly still 'loves'? I mean you are leaving your H - a person - but, you have the frame of mind to strip our home, get movers to pack things, down to our wedding pictures, anniversary presents I bought her - the man she is leaving behind. Then to ignore my messages, ignore my parents' messages, block me and my parents on Instagram. I still can't seem to get to grips with the way my W has gone about this. That too, after twelve years. What kind of person does this? It's borderline sadistic. How could she think she doing the right thing the way she is? Makes me wonder if this is the same person. Or worst, that I've never really known her.
oh jbroken, I am so sorry. you took the words out of my mouth. your best friend, someone that knows all of your secrets, insecurities, the person you trusted with your life, stripping everything you know from you just like that...these last 2 weeks have by far been the hardest of my life. I too often wonder if I knew my H at all. If he ever showed his true person to me. I feel like in the little you have posted that we are a lot alike, we think the same when it comes to love and loyalty. I don't give up on something just because it isn't ideal. I want to fix it. I am loyal, too loyal I guess. as much as I want to say there are still loyal and honest people in the world, it's hard for me to see that right now. people these days would much rather take the easy way out than want to fix the issue. it is the mentality of our society. even in the material world, if it breaks, you just go buy a new one. wasteful. and humans have started doing this to other humans. I am disgusted above all else. I am sad for you because I know the pain you are going through. I think about the love, the time, the emotions, the everything I invested in him, only for him to throw me away like a piece of trash because I don't fit his "ideal woman" anymore. Love is more than a feeling; it is a commitment, I take my vows seriously and I am willing to fight until I have no fight left in me. I have been going through the anger stage the last two days and I find myself thinking, "scr*w it, I don't even care, I deserve better" and then the next I'm sobbing because I can't think of life without him. it's crazy. please keep updating us, it is therapy for all of us.
And, might I add, I don't let him see my tears, only my smiles. and it is extremely hard to slap one on my face right now. I'd rather get teeth pulled than to slap a fake smile on my face because all I want to do is shake some sense into him and show him my true feelings.
I wasn't looking for any shortcuts. I just wanted to know if there is a more immediate part I should read first due to the pressing nature of my sitch e.g. LRT.
Also, our separation was three months - 3rd November 2016 to 4th February 2017. During the separation, I must have broken practically all the DB rules - I did not have the benefit of this forum then. Whilst I did do that, what I also did was work on the issues my W had with me - short temper, lack of appreciation, etc. When she came back, I put forward my best self - showed appreciation, never lost my temper, left love quotes all over the house, etc. All this while she was trying to bait me into arguments, pushing me to lose my temper, disrespecting me, abusing me, throwing the past in my face. I put all my issues with her to one side and focused only on what mine were. And things would be up one minute and down the next. I still kept going. And I was cracking her. I was working through the bitterness. I saw glimpses of her love return. But, came home one day from work and boom that's it. It is as if she had made-up her mind come what may, regardless of what she saw, she was going to pack up her life and leave. She did not want to give us time. That's all I believed we needed. I still believe. No doubt she was egged on my bad advice from close mutual 'friends' and my own mother-in-law! Taking advantage of bad situation to make her see the grass is greener on the other side. Talk about people with unclean hearts.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
You are absolutely one hundred percent correct Sunmoon. You never give up on the people you love. Never. You stick through the rough patch. That is what I believe at my very core. The way my W has gone about doing this has really made me feel like our vows meant nothing to her. That she never really truly loved me. Painting me out to be the worst husband on the planet. So much so that my own mother-in-law goes to me 'this is a bad marriage' and 'why has my daughter lost her confidence then?'. Not one of our common 'friends' even now could say ever put her down. I always built her up. Picked her up. I supported her in every possible way. I took on a personal loan on myself of $50000 to invest in her starting up her own business. Only because I wanted her to live out her dream rather than be a corporate slave. I went without things, sacrificed myself so I could give her best I could afford. I single handedly supported the entire marriage financially - that too in London! And now I'm a 'bad husband'! Does that sound like one to you. I'm not saying I wasn't without faults. And I admitted them. I worked on them. I'm still working on them. But, to blame me for everything wrong in the entire M. I mean how can you even justify that your head?
And the worst part is that I have hardly spoken of her faults to anyone really. Even now, I still can't bring myself to do it. A part of me, wishes to yell from the roof tops - at how I've been wronged here, how I've been treated, at her part to play in our current sitch. But, based on the good advice given here, I'm fighting this temptation. Really hard. And yes, a part of me screams out 'screw you, you don't deserve me' and then it's a spiral to 'forgive, win her back with love, with compassion'.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
You are absolutely one hundred percent correct Sunmoon. You never give up on the people you love. Never. You stick through the rough patch. That is what I believe at my very core. The way my W has gone about doing this has really made me feel like our vows meant nothing to her. That she never really truly loved me. Painting me out to be the worst husband on the planet. So much so that my own mother-in-law goes to me 'this is a bad marriage' and 'why has my daughter lost her confidence then?'. Not one of our common 'friends' even now could say ever put her down. I always built her up. Picked her up. I supported her in every possible way. I took on a personal loan on myself of $50000 to invest in her starting up her own business. Only because I wanted her to live out her dream rather than be a corporate slave. I went without things, sacrificed myself so I could give her best I could afford. I single handedly supported the entire marriage financially - that too in London! And now I'm a 'bad husband'! Does that sound like one to you. I'm not saying I wasn't without faults. And I admitted them. I worked on them. I'm still working on them. But, to blame me for everything wrong in the entire M. I mean how can you even justify that your head?
And the worst part is that I have hardly spoken of her faults to anyone really. Even now, I still can't bring myself to do it. A part of me, wishes to yell from the roof tops - at how I've been wronged here, how I've been treated, at her part to play in our current sitch. But, based on the good advice given here, I'm fighting this temptation. Really hard. And yes, a part of me screams out 'screw you, you don't deserve me' and then it's a spiral to 'forgive, win her back with love, with compassion'.
yes, yes and yes. lol. I ended up spilling the beans to his parents today. his dad was asking how he was and I broke down crying. I by no means threw him under the bus, if anything I told them i was mostly to blame. they told me not to blame myself, they know their son can be an @**. that its always 50/50, and that if I needed someone to talk to, they were there. his dad was shocked, and said he would have never seen that coming. I am a very trustworthy, honest, caring, passionate and loving person. My h has said all these things about me himself. so why?? why? if all the important things are there, what is it about me that isn't good enough? just because I dont like to watch sports and be social all the time? and that I long for quality time with him? c'mon!! it angers me, and then I cry. and Then I get pissed and want to walk out- and then i cry. we had a bad day today. he gets home from work in 45 minutes and I'm not sure how its gonna go. he texted me on his break saying once again, he's "confused". I really feel like there is a deeper issue going on here that has nothing to do with me.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/26/1708:05 PM. Reason: Start a new thread messages
jbroken, I hope you will take this in the kindest most sincere way because your anguish is palpable and I want to do nothing to make it worse. That said, I feel like you are losing yourself in the details. You are recounting all the horrible things she said and arguing with us about them and treating them as if they are real and need to be defended against. There is a reason you are not supposed to believe anything she says at this point. That reason is that she doesn't know what she is saying and as many have discussed in their posts on this site, she will deny having said most of them.
You have to detach. If you can't detach from the idea of her, detach from the meaningless words. Detach from the idea that this is the wife you knew and loved talking. Let go of your expectations and, here is the hard one, let go of your hope. That's the one that kills.
As much as you want to hold on because you are afraid of losing her and afraid of her floating away, let go even harder. Let her go and live this life that she thinks has been eluding her. Stop trying to convince her and everyone else how much you love her and have done for her. Let her go out in the cold, dark night without you. Give her time and space so her thoughts can settle. As corny as that imagery sounds, it really is the best one--be her lighthouse. Be where she left you (but a stronger, calmer and happier you). Be bright and strong and reliable. Be kind and loving (from afar). Let her decide how close to shore she can risk coming.
If you try to hold onto her this hard, she will slip through your fingers. I know, I was standing there holding on for 7 years doing anything I could to stop him from moving out. I cried, I screamed, I begged, I manipulated, I threatened, and guess what, he went anyway (he forced me to push him out, but he was definitely the one who wanted to be gone).
Something about this site and these people are turning me into a believer. The more I let go of him, the more I find myself. And you know what, I'm a pretty awesome person and I bet you are too. I didn't know that before. I believed I was the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. Not good enough.
Let her go. Let go for you. Give her a chance to find her way back to you because it is what she wants.
Something about this site and these people are turning me into a believer. The more I let go of him, the more I find myself. And you know what, I'm a pretty awesome person and I bet you are too. I didn't know that before. I believed I was the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. Not good enough.
That's the true meaning of this site - to heal and become stronger. Good on ya!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Almost everyone says this^^ but yes, it does apply. You resist the advice given here. You want to find the short cut. I understand that. None of us like being in pain.
