My wife left two days before our fifth wedding anniversary. Packed up her things and most our home - even took most of the wedding pictures (just left the ones with my family in them!) She waited for me to get home from work to do it and was quite emotionless while doing this. Said it was her decision, that she hasn't been happy for too long, the good memories have faded, she was drained and had nothing to give, it's too late, etc. After the initial shock wore off, I went it to panic mode. I kept saying give us more time, we have been happy before, last couple of years has been a bad patch, we can make it, she needs to soften her heart so she can see how I'm changing, I love her, that this was a mistake. I asked her if she loves me and she said I love you but, she can't be with me, we would eventually end. Had a conversation with me about moving on, that I can get through this! I didn't stop her. I said I couldn't. Finally, dropped her to the taxi.
At this point, I got family involved. She spoke with my father - where she complained about mainly my quick temper and lack of social life plus all the things she said to me. My father told her I was changing & was making the effort so my she doesn't give us more time. And back to square one. I also spoke to her mother and she again complained about the same points. I still told her what I told my wife. She then kept saying this is her daughter's decision. My mother spoke with her mother and again this is her daughter's decision.
She has since dug in at her mother's home in another city. I have sent her a few messages but she reads them and doesn't respond. I also sent her a long emotional message - I decided that would be last one on my part for now. Read it but, no response. Has made her Instagram page private and even her relationship status is private on FB.
To say I'm a broken man at this moment. I'm in so much pain. I feel the person I love most in the world has done this to me. And at such a time and in such a way! It has been six days and I still can't get to grips with how she has done this. All I am asking is to give us a chance. And if she loves me, then why doesn't she want to give us time. It's like she making me out the be Satan! She can't remember any good times. It's We were going out for seven years and been married for five years.
To say I need some help is an understatement. Is all lost? Am I in denial? What should do?
Sincerely,
justbroken
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Reading the book has given me a plan of attack. It's been almost a month for me and every day still feels like the longest day ever, but I find determination in moving forward. Keep posting here. I use it almost like a journal and have been encouraged to do so.
You are among people who have been through similar situations, stay strong.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
I don't have much to say other then I am truly sorry and I would never wish this upon anyone. My wife recently left about a month ago and we have been married for over 13 years. I know in my situation there's been an affair going on for almost 3 years so that makes it very difficult to even try to reconcile. I will say that you need to take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating, getting exercise and doing the best to get sleep. It will get easier but it is difficult right now. I know the first couple weeks for me I was in a state of shock. I still hurt quite a bit now but I'm actually able to live my life. I hope someday that I can reconcile with my wife but unfortunately that is not an option right now. All I can do is work on myself. I will lift you up in my prayers.
Me 38, Her 40 T-14, M-13, No kids BD-1 4/14- EA/PA BD-2 10/14- EA BD-3 2/17- EA/PA W Moves out 2.10.17 in with AP W Served D papers 3.6.17 Divorce Final- 5.23.17
Thanks for your words of support and your prayers. I need both right now.
I know she didn't have an affair.
If she doesn't love me why would she say so even whilst leaving. Unless she is too ashamed to say it to my face or didn't want to hurt me more at the time. She did say 'your not ready to hear it' when I asked 'if you don't love me, just say it'
I'm so confused. I feel like this not real. Or is a big joke.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
She did say 'your not ready to hear it' when I asked 'if you don't love me, just say it'
Jbroken,
Sorry to hear that you are in the mess you found yourself in. Its an unfortunate one that we have all been in. Some found their way out, and some are still lingering in limbo blaming themselves when the blame belongs somewhere else. We've all been there. You have come to a great place with people that will guide you to become the best jbroken you can.
I highlighted your statement because, well, it is eerily similar to something my ex said. While yours may have said it, one must keep in mind that there are different levels of love. She will probably always love you in some form, just not as a wife does. Sorry to throw that out there, but it is what it is.
A couple of weeks before the BD, my ex gave me one of the most romantic anniversary cards I have seen...and it was in the midst of her affair. So, I know what you are feeling.
Only they know their reasons, and we may never know the true ones. Instead of beating yourself up wondering why, now is the time to work on becoming the best you that you possibly can be. Nothing else.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks for your support and your words. Though some of it has been hard to take in I will admit.
If she has had an affair then I guess that would be it for us. But, I really don't know and it's killing me.
And if she doesn't love me or isn't 'in love' with me that means she never did or was. I don't know what could be a worst feeling.
They say if you love someone let them go, if they return, they are yours, if they don't, they never were. These words keep resonating with me at the moment.
After my long emotional message on Sunday-which she read but did not reply to-I've gone dark. Is her silence my response? I suppose I'm still hopeful that she is taking time, that perhaps her heart will soften.
Am I doing the right thing for now? I really have no idea.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
After my long emotional message on Sunday-which she read but did not reply to-I've gone dark. Is her silence my response? I suppose I'm still hopeful that she is taking time, that perhaps her heart will soften.
Am I doing the right thing for now? I really have no idea.
Hello jbroken,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
I would caution you about sharing your situation with her family. Pursuing her family for support will by seen by her as pursuing her, which isn't working and not recommended.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Jbroken, My heart goes out to you! Three months ago my husband dropped a bomb on me with- I need us to be separated, I'm not sure what I want, blah blah- it blindsided me! Like any couple, sure we had our issues but I TOTALLY did not see that coming. It completely crushed me. We separated and I did all of the things that Sandi's rules say NOT TO DO for the first 3 weeks. He slipped further and further away. The more I begged and pleaded the colder he became. THANK GOD I found this website and these people. They talked me off the ledge of being desperate and needy, which in a situation like ours, is VERY unattractive to a spouse who has already said they don't want to be with us right now. Thankfully through my tears I saw the wisdom in the book, the rules, going dark, and the advice of all these people, and in the last couple of weeks he has begun communicating with me again and wants us to see each other again. The advice you'll get in the forum WORKS if you follow it- it may or may not save your marriage, but you will grow and be OK no matter the outcome. And you'll feel better about yourself in the long run. Here's what doesn't work- get a mental picture of this every time you're tempted to beg and plead for them to wake up- a desperate spouse hanging onto the bumper of the other spouse's car as they pull out of the driveway- it DOES NOT WORK! Read and re-read Sandi's rules and begin today to follow them. If you slip up, just dust yourself off and start over. I know the pain is crushing and breath-taking, and there's no way around it, you have to push through it and feel the burn. But it DOES get easier. Post a lot and you'll get lots of support here. And remember, we are all just walking each other home. Hugs!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
