Just got caught up here. You have had a lot on your plate Cali. I imagine this brings so many emotions back to surface again. Although this D process has been dragged out, I hope that helps in having each episode sink in and dealt with.
I know this isn't easy for your S, but I am so grateful he has his calm and grounded father to lean on. Stay strong for him Cali. I know spending family time isn't an option for you, but maybe there could be a different way to let him know he still has his family in a sense, even though his mom and dad are not together. That feeling of security is so important to kids.
I am happy to hear everything else overall is going well. Please keep us updated and you continue to be a great role model for so many of us.
Take care of yourself M
Hey M ... yeah some emotions were stirred up, so much to the fact I was digging into old pics and it all hit me. Not the sadness that one would think when it comes to D, but looking at her was like seeing someone you used to know and realizing you do not know that person at all anymore, but there was more to it for me than just that, this thought came into my head ... "I would not even date her".
S seems to be doing ok but he knows there is courts and lawyers involved now so its raining down on his "mommy and daddy will get back together" dream. Sounds like she is doing much better with him and the relationship is healing between the two of them, I think partly because in the past year that I left she has not had OM there once while S is there. Again ... maybe OM is MIA, or just on the DL its anyone's guess.
Originally Posted By: roist
Wow Cali.
How did you answer the lawyer about reconciliation?
I am glad your appointment was pleasant or at least not unpleasant.
Over the last few years I have spent a lot of time on the web looking up knowledge and facts about M/D. Here we see people struggling to save their M and most don't. But some do. The internet is full of other examples of people that do reconcile. 10% of people who divorce remarry again afterwards.
I am just saying that your 10% voice may have the odds stacked against him but that does not mean it won't happen. I believe there is a chance that each M can be saved. I know not all will be, but every one has a possibility of reconciling. That couple just before you who are in counseling prove that too.
You have been at this a long time and I understand that 90% part of you. Actually I am surprised it is not higher. Pleasantly surprised. But you are a hood man so maybe I should not be surprised. Your advice to others here has helped them and many more readers along the way.
I think you are doing great. Only you decide when it is over.
Best wishes
The lawyer seemed to ask more in a probing way, I am thinking she was trying to just figure out where I was ... I actually kind of chuckled as I told her I have been at this now for almost 4 years, and at this point I do not see a reconciliation possibility but I also would not be shocked when/if she drops the D case. I told her I no longer have the door open to that, but if she knocked I may listen through the peep hole. My guess is when she finds out I will not have to transfer the amount I have been .... in fact its she who will have to pay .. she may very well decide she loves me dearly and wants to remain married .... ok I actually laughed typing that.
10% may be a bit of a reach ... might actually be 4-5 TBH but I really spend little time thinking about that anymore as its honestly not my choice ... she chose to go a certain path and I chose to walk my own. Getting divorced really in no way would change my life/lifestyle right now .... IF .. big IF .. she were to wake and approach me and want to save the M, or start a new R with me .. now that would totally upset my applecart and I really am not sure how open to that I would be.
Originally Posted By: WillDo
Cali, I am sad to here what has been going on. I had been away. Your story is inspirational. You are a person only a fool would leave.
Thanks WillDo ... I do not think any of us desired to be 'here' but I am really starting to understand I would NEVER have made the changes nor pursued to continue to change constantly without this all happening. I would not have learned the hard lessons I have without this. Do I still wish it never happened... well yeah, who wants to have their family destroyed over something no one really can wrap their head around ..... but I will say this... I am stronger for it.
I always rad your posts because I find them inspiring and always learn something from them. Thank you. I wish I had something to give you in return but right now I am just a taker.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Cali I had that same thought pass through my head a while ago
The person she became is not dating material for me. Mad wit easier to finally disconnect.
Glad your S is doing good. You after strong so he probably draws that from you.
I'm sorry you are still here but Since you are going throug this , I. Am glad you are here. You helped me so much.
D is just a paper remember :-)
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
You are a success in my book. The person you became and are still molding is a wonderful thing for you and the people in your life and ones you will meet in the future.
Hiya Luke. I dont come here anymore for a lot of reasons, but, was drawn here tonight for some reason...I think it was you.
It is perfectly normal to have that small part of you wonder...what if. This was a woman you loved a great deal, the mother of your child. And it isnt as if you saw any of this coming. I dont care how far down the road you are...it still just baffles you from time to time.
Now really is the time to get back into that business mindset and put the emotional part aside as much as you can for now.
This is another step on your journey. It is going to be a bit bumpy for you. After all, as much as you have moved forward, this is the legal end of your marriage and that's a sad thing no matter where you are at.
I know you will continue to handle this in your wonderful way and will be there for you son. He is still watching you as you set the tone for this part.
I think of you often, my friend. None of us asked for this, and it is so hard, but man, have you grown. This was a journey you were meant to go on.
I have had the same thoughts about my H in terms of would I date him if I met him today? If he was honest with me about his relationship history, probably not.
I am inspired by your ability to detach, learn, and grow. You have shared with me so much of what you have learned and for that I am so grateful.
Cali {{{{{hugs}}}}} because you've done so much hard work to get to this point, and your mindset is so positive despite the D proceedings moving forward.
I don't mean positive in what we all hope for when we first arrive here: that our spouses will switch back and our marriages be restored.
I mean positive in the sense that you are so solid in who you've become. You will get through this and we are all here if you need us, as you have always been here for others. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you .... not to exclude anyone but uR you have been on my mind throughout all this and I can always feel the fuzzy 2x4 smack my face.
So its been what a month, I honestly have been pretty busy and this past month not really around here much ... I have read and posted a couple times but just felt a need to pull back and try to start seeing the world without the MLC glasses on 24/7 .... its more about the healing process and the fact work was absolutely nuts last month.
So there has been a bit of a development in my sitch. I am not sure I ever shared this tidbit ... its not at all shocking in MLC land I fear. So my BD was 2013, my MLCr decided in 2014 to file her taxes seperately from mine, ofcourse this was news to me when it came tax time and not only did I have to file my own ... she went ahead and claimed our only son as her deduction. You have to love it right? Needless to say I owed (about 5k) and ofcourse with her empting the accounts late in 2013 and putting all that money in her personal account I was forced to make an installment payments.... given the small apr and the fact I had all these new expenses (Apartment/Single auto insurance/single phone...etc) I simply just made the payments and the balance was slowly going in the right direction.
Fast forward to 2015, IRS informs me just as I was about to pay off 2014 that they have added an adittional 6k from 2013... a year we actually filed normally. The accountant we used is her family accountant and over a year of emails I could not get anything out of him nor her concerning this amount. I am not sure if she went back and changed something, if she was given a return that was in error ...not any word nor help. So I decided I would just disclose this amount to be taken care of with the divorce stuff and let it sit.
I just recieved a letter from the IRS over the weekend that they have applied overpayment from 2016 to this 2013 balance. Took a few hours for my brain power to kick in that my MLCr must have already filed (she claims our son this year) and the IRS was so kind as to take her $5500 return and apply it to that 2013 balance. Hot cup of Karma anyone? The beuaty of this ... she most likely has no idea its happened yet, continues to look for the IRS check in her account and will have to keep waiting on that till she finally calls up the accountant who is aware of the 2013 issue but most likey figured good ol Cali would be holding that bag.
I did have to laugh ... then I laughed again. You just can not make this stuff up.
So other than that I am doing well, job is going very well .. I look to buy a condo once the D is finalized and continue to do the mirror work.. GAL.. and my PMA has been nice and steady. I also converse with a supportive group of fellas who have been through the hell and we help keep each other on the tracks.
One of which left me with a quote I feel I must share concerning MLC. The topic was about letting go and how hard it is ... given the long amount of time with your spouse, the lost time with your kids, the realization of that family unit you always knew is simply gone. Then the quote that really struck a chord.... "At some point one either let's go of the rope ... or they continue to be dragged, MLC was definitely a lesson in getting dragged." I know I hung on for some time before I truly let go and decided the journeys we were both going to have to go through had nothing to do with the other, she has her walk and I clearly had mine. We let go when we let go ... we suffer to the point where we can no longer suffer any longer and we force ourselves to change ... no one can do this but us, no one can take that first step for us.
It does get better ... I did not say easier .. just better.
