Count on ups and downs (III)

[peacetoday]

sometimes IN mLC nothing we do will make them turn around

Roist is right and you already know it right

We have to change for us
certainly can't hurt the current R with wife either but we become who we want to be

I like the idea of setting boundaries
I didn't ..
I ignored any info that My xh was with Ow
I don't think it would have mattered in my case..He M her
but I think its important to stand ground with the MLCer

Keep playing piano
I joined my sons music school to relearn guitar
they have an adult program and rock band for adults
it is healing and great fun

[WillDo]

Thanks roist/peacetoday

Me, myself and I

I am trying hard to keep my cool. Any advise on how to handle W's demands. I am listening, validating but she is asking for answers and blaming me for stonewalling. The only statement I made was regarding stonewalling. I said this conversation hurts hence I am stonewalling. She wants me to join the conversation of how she should decorate and put new furniture in to the flat. She said it would be economical sense for me to move out. Blamed me again for leaving everything to her including seperation and divorce. Of course the day before it felt she was coming closer to me. Again read it wrong.

How should I behave? I am trying not to lecture, beg ,plead, cry. I am doing one of the rules. Avoiding conflict. I really can't put it to words. I can't believe I have been able to cope with out sharing my deep feelings.

[WillDo]

I have woke up again. I suppose it is hard to give advice to my case. Plenty hasbeen said. I will continue to show patience snd do anything not do break. My psychologist had adiced ti turn depression into anger. Even that has a limit. I can't control her and stop her from what she wants to do. I feel she is mean. Ok she may be trying to be happy.

I am used to suffering mentally. Suffered plenty. I was told there is no real reason gir my low selfrsteem. Now people would say there is a reason. I am convinced that my feelingd have always be true in my world.

Will see what happens. Tomorrow is another day.

[peacetoday]

HI

I listen to this pastor Joel Olsteen a lot
he has free podcasts
and he is very inspirational and uplifting
no matter what a persons religion, everyone seems to like him
I have jewish friends that listen faithfully
not pushing anything on you but if you never listened to him,,his messages are always I mean always great in my opinion and always helpful no matter what issue I am going through

[WillDo]

True. Esther Hicks had been my favourite. I do recall Joel.

That is changing your own mind. How you react to the situation. That is the only real thing I can do.

I still don't know how to handle Ws request to leave. I don't want to read into things. She is not fully convinced. I say I can see it in her eyes.

I don't know. Mindfulness is better than moaning.

[peacetoday]

Yes Ester is good and very similar in teaching

It is hard to say,,I don't know your full situation

sometimes with a mcler we have to try different techniques to see if anything helps
you seem like you are practicing good skills with her
validating, avoiding conflict, leaving her be

you may read mixed messages because they are usually confused
they change their minds but the crises will pull her further out to sea -u won't be able to stop that if its true MLC

remember
the crises is not about us ,,It is about their unhappiness with their lives, them selves and unresolved issues of their childhood-the unresolved issues I believe are the main reason for MLC,,nothing to do with us


if she wants you to move out,,you can ignore it for now-
It may be best to seek legal counsel first to see where you stand financially..we have to protect ourselves and the kids because a MLC will want it all and they can overspend

so I wouldn't leave .
she may want to leave,

and If you get legal advice it does not mean you will get D,,Its just getting information
being one step ahead of the mlcer

so continue to take care of you
make sure you eat exercise and rest
this road is bumpy
you will need your energy to deal with her
time will heal you and if you hang in no matter what happens with wife you will overcome this and become better from it
listen to ester every chance you get and continue forward
you will have more answers later

[WillDo]

Thank you. Thank you. I feel that I am not alone and put of course.

Michele has a recent podcast. She is guest of a podcast host. There is repeats that even when you hit the valley not to get discouraged and go back to doing what you want to do like begging. I have to say I want to do pillow talk. I truly miss her. It is her unhappiness. But as I am in the way I get blamed every minute. That is unbearable. Though if I had the skills I have now where I reach out to mindfulness not to loose control well she would maybe be more attached to me. In the past I have depression every year. I am ok for past 8 with medicine but more importanly mindfulness. Clinically depressed. Was only once in hospital but that was a horror story where she was with me but felt left alone by my parents. My parents were with me dont get me wrong. But they treated it as you sort yourself out attitude at hospital. I could have been a better me.

I will do.

[WillDo]

Journalling

More difficult times. My head spins. I try to keep my sanity against my wife's willing to move out but to move out to a flat that we had been renting out. And all sorts of other bits and piece that I can't keep count of. All I do is keep my patience. I stonewall if I just can't find what to validate. W continues to undermine me.

[WillDo]

Woke up again

I simply want to talk to her. Tell her how awkward I feel. And ti say that
she should be more sensible. No begging. If she wants to move out I can't stop her. The kids will suffer. And again she is blaming me. I should bemoving out she says. No I dont want anyone to move!!!!

[roist]

It is a tough situation and it is hard. And it is hard to know what to do. But it doesn't need to be overly complicated either. Do what is best for you. I found it hard to realise that within certain guidelines all the lbs should be doing is what he/she wants to do.

You have repeated that you cannot control her nor what she decides to do. I do believe your stance upon not moving out is right and wanting to keep her there is normal. I: understand the logic that stalling a separation could give things the time needed to turn things around.

However sometimes separating is the quickest way to turn things around. At the moment you are spinning and unhappy. Your W is fighting to get away from you. You are blocking her, so for her you are the enemy. All her focus and energy is about beating her enemy and escaping to freedom. As long as she has that fight, she cannot focus on anything else.

Why not try something new. Stop stonewalling. Tellher you can see how frustrated she is and that you will not stand in her way in her desire to separate. Don't do anything to help her out the door though. She needs to plan, organise and do everything herself. Protect your interests, your children and your assets.

When she repeats that it should be you moving out,calmly let her know that you understand that she would prefer that but you don't want to leave and that won't be happening.

I understand that this isn't what you want. None of us are here by choice. You need to accept where you are. Really accept it.

A friend here once wrote a story explaining how on some exotic island the natives had a simple way of trapping monkeys. They eptied out a coconut and attached it to a chain. They made a small hole in the coconut shell just big enough for a monkeys hand to barely pass. Inside the coconut the placed a sweet. The monkeys would reach into to holeand grab the sweet. But with the sweet in the hand, the hand no longer fitted through the hole. All the monkey had to do was let go the sweet and it could be free. But the monkey could not realise that because it was so focused on getting the sweet.

In this analogy your M is the coconut, your W is the sweet and sorry but you are the monkey. Letting go. of your W (physically but especially emotionally) will free you too. I am not saying give up on the hope of a future R with W, but stop keeping yourself in your state of suffering.

Best wishes