Count on ups and downs (III)

[WillDo]

Low low low

Can"t sleep.

I will probably have flashbacks to the discussion.

She aaid she felt being hurt on purpose. I am trying to hurt her punish her. She says she wants a divorce a friendly one and have nobody else involved. I said no divorce would be friendly and she will ruin specifically the Ds lives. I said we need to learn to stick to each other.

I wish these arguments were with repairs just like in the past.

I told her she undermined me. Made feel very bad lots of times. She kept dragging the discussion saying all the time. She really realyy hurt me again.

I will never forget how D hadnt slept and when I kissed her good night she squeezed me.

[WillDo]

It hurts so badly. Right now having difficulty to calm down. Temptedto sleep in Ds room. I will try to meditate and pray. I can't stand her saying she will move to the other house after we come from vacation. I feel bad at all fronts.

[WillDo]

No. I dont know what to do other than write and let it out. I don't know if she is testing me. She said she doesn't want to blame me for anything to start divorce. What have I done? She again referred to the fact that I didn't felt her valued in groups and that she had to look after me and it was who kept things going. She says she feels so lonely that she goes to work, doesnt talk to anybody and just sees 1 girlfriend. No menfion of OM. She thinks İ keep a huge backlog of stuff about him and her and İ would use them. I said I am tured of lies then changed and said lies about how things are.

She wanted to start a discussion, reiterate she was moving out and that I wasnt cooperating as I should. I said this was one way and I didn't want a divorce.

She said she never had a hug for a long time. I do think that is a lie.

I am trying to throw away bad thoughts about her.

I did tell her that she always put her mother in front of me from day one. She called her every single day and pushed me away from my kids. I told her that's when I feel undervalued.

Again peeing in the wind.

I will try to sleep.

[WillDo]

I did sleep a bit. Up to read my crisis management notes. What to do. 180 ideas, what to focus on.

I feel lonely and hurt. I tried to refrain from damage. She just pushed buttons.

[WillDo]

Actually I read old posts as well I need tofind the old me. Eachtime I think I have W is still slipping away. She insists on moving out wife the Ds to the other home we rrent out which is close by.

[WillDo]

Today will be recovery from again a 30 minute talk. I don't know what will happen. I will keep me dignity, cheerfulness, self focus and carry on.

Please pray for me.

[WillDo]

Journalling:

Got out of bed, opened the curtains, washed the dishes and went
back to my room. W opened conversation asking if I read the news. I said yes, plenty died. I entered my Ds room. Woke one of them up the other was in Ws room. Said good morning to them, helped them do their beds and get their clothes. W started ironing in my room. Avoided contact and went downstairs. Then she started doing breakfast. I said bye so did she and I left. Now going to town. Had half day off to sort things out. Will call the builders for the other house and let W know what the status is.

[WillDo]

What should I do give in and move out? or help her move out with Ds. Our try ro arrange sonething else in the house.

[WillDo]

While in town I couldn't resist, I asked to have lunch tigether. At first she sadi how I could act as if nothing had happened. I told her I didn't want to make her sad. She said she wanted to do this with least harn. I again apologiesed and asked just for lunch. And we did. Calm lunch.


My inner self is lookng for answers. I know I have to decide and my depression is talking. Will increase lithium. Shut up and pray.

[WillDo]

Reading Divorce Remedy again.