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WillDo Offline OP
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LALost we will decide. To the point you will tolerate. bearable. We simply wait for the alien to abandon our spouse.

Last month I had a down. I just couldn't avoid conflict. It has been lots to swallow. And that is what needs patients.


Last edited by job; 03/22/17 12:47 PM. Reason: Removed referenced name

Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 21
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We wait? But don't we risk becoming doormats?


------
Me 45, W 50
M1 - 1994
D1 - 2000
T-8 M-2.5
No children
M2 (current w)- 2003
T-14 M-14
BD1 - Jan 2016
Sept 7 2016, Piecing
BD2 - Nov 2016, IWAD
Jan 2017, Piecing
D-12, D-10,D-10,D-10,D-9,S-8
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WillDo Offline OP
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From what I understand that's where boundries come in. What is the limit that you can't stand the irrationality. You can set the boundries and communicate them. But your tone is important. See Cadet's links.

I woke up with a nightmare. There was a robbery and all the stuff was put in my childhood home. I felt scared and woke up. I am trying to keep my sanity. My temper at work is getting impacted. I am getting irritated quickly. It is a challenge to keep together there. During the first bomb my mood was very visible. İ said personal things are ongoing. İ did get help on less hours rather to distribute the hiurs. Do tge shcoll run, be back for dinner. Part of my changes. I missed a promotion, failed to do another move recently. To keep ot shortt, my med is essential and hells my patience. And this is tied to my history of depression. No clnical depression for past 8 years but boy it has been tough emotionally last 3 years. All my fears during my depression years have happened. W. retreated.

Seperate rooms/ seperate bank accounts made me feel dumb.

Just wanted to let some steam out.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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Due to the early rise I feel really tired today. I made sure I got my vitamins. Treating myseld some comfort food to distract myself a bit.

Lots of thoughts but invoking mindfulness otherwise things will be out of control.
I would like to have my GALs. Each time W pulls out her jaws. Keeps refering how I was escaping with doing golf. Nowadays she is doing cycling. I am tagging along as I enjoy ot spec. with kids around.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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Another sleepless night. I am not silencing my brain as I think. It is impacting me. My thinking my actions is getting more and more filed with anxiety. I want todo an action, initiate conversation, do some other changes. But I feel down. Hopeless and an urge to cry. The comfort food in the long run trigger these as well. The sugar levels get out of whack. I had made a conciuos decision way back that my life is not my studies, my work but my emotional being. Had invested strongly in my emotional being which really brought in my W. That awakening had made me a better person. But I think I couldn't keep the balance which dragged me into more and more depression. And that backfired in the long run. That was me who took his emotions seriously which made him a confident man But the confidence deterioted and I became selfish. Soul searching. I miss the connection. I am fighting for it still.

I am struggling. Feel betrayed at life and work. Focusing on family and keeping my head up to combat.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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I should probably go back and read my updates and response. Right now I am focused on my bad time at work. I was even feeling there would be a bad moment at work. I just don't want to do anything again.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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Journalling

Again woke up in the middle of the night. I and the team had been working so hard at work. One of my empolyees while aiming top brought rock bottom result. I felt the first time I had marriage trouble and the impact to work. I asked the team to weight in as there still is 1 more week till the end of quarter.

I don't know at home W is saying nothing about the money which she now directs to her own account. All bills everything on me. I will have to put a boundry bit I am so rubbish at it.

On the wekend Saturday she said wants to go to a museum with the kids and inadvetently asked me to come. Sunday we will do cycling and guests will be over.

I have to get my sleep routine back. I didn't feel bad during the day but can get irritible during the day. That worries me. It is such a battle.

Gardening will be my GAL this weekend.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
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Hi WillDo - saw your post on my thread regarding finances and decided to come over here to discuss. This way, you can track it on your own thread!

In my sitch, we both contribute to the same account. Last year about this time, I started squirreling away some of my own money for the first time since we were married. I have personally believed that in marriage you share everything: in good times and in bad. However, last spring my h went further into the rabbit hole and I was seriously scared I'd wake up to empty bank accounts and two hungry boys.

He figured it out and got really mad. I told him it was all I had in the world and protected me if he ever followed through on ditching us all. He made lots of PA comments but in general it blew over.

However, he had also started spending just before this. I had been watching the accounts but in general he was doing ok. Until he went and spent quite a bit in 1 week. I called him out; he got really mad. He told me it was his time and he deserved it (all a phase they go through in MLC). He told me to butt out of his business/stop looking at the accounts!! He said he would start saving in 6 months as he just needed a fun summer (LOVE how his "summer" was 6 months long!!!).

Anyway, I adhere to a very strict budget and he seems to have tamped down his spending. He used to be very generous but in MLC he is cheap and greedy. Total opposite of who he was.

So, as for you? What % of the total household income is your wife squirreling away? How did finances work before MLC? Is there a large disparity between your incomes? Does she withdraw on your joint account for all household things and then save all her own money? Is she using part of your joint income on OP/to be with OP?

Please provide some details.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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WillDo Offline OP
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That's very kind of you. Thanks!

30% of the total income is the amount my W taking away. Previously, the money would go to joint account and the surplus to the saving pot for use on various stuff. My total earnings reach double of hers. She hasn't withdrawn money like that. But now just sends her income to her own account. I know that she has spend money on OP. Birthday present, eBay purchases. Not on a large amount but I suspect that she then start withdrawing small money but frequently and spending cash so that there is no trail.

I am not sure how to deal with it. As you know communication with MLC is awkward.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Jun 2015
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Well, obviously what she is doing is not fair.

You asked about boundaries. No one can tell you what your boundaries are so it's best to read up on these in that first post Cadet sent you. While it is agreed here that physical and emotional abuse are not acceptable, and that we should always protect ourselves financially, beyond that, what one person will tolerate another will not. Some will stand through multiple MLCs!

In general if this is MLC and you're trying to save your m, it's best to sit as still as possible because you're not really dealing with a rational person. In a rational world you should be able to go to your spouse and say "what gives? Why aren't you depositing your pay to the joint account?" With a MLCer you should be prepared that calling her out on anything (and I mean anything) could cause a very disproportionate reaction: like she could file and take 50% instead of 30% and you could be seeing your kids 50% of the time and have to sell a house if you own one.

Again, not at all fair, but while you can try to set a boundary she has the right to file. So weigh it all carefully.

You definitely want to be protecting your assets though. Put alerts on your accounts, watch credit cards, run a credit report, etc.

Another option is to talk to a few lawyers about what she is doing and how the court would view this in a d. (Usually they give a free consult.). Perhaps what she is doing can be viewed as hiding assets and it might come back to bite her! Perhaps you can also ask if you too can limit how much you deposit into the joint account to protect yourself?

But seek counsel first because I do think sometimes it can look suspicious/like you're hiding money.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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