R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I will second that reading of the spouse warning from Roist. It usually falls under the "mind reading" category of actions. I find that it has been one of the harder things for me to get past (along with my tendency to be jealous...another story in itself).
Once we are surprised by the S's BD, we should realize right away from the shock of it that we aren't very good mind-readers. Yet most of us still fight that, thinking we've known them so well for so long. We can read our S. They most likely don't even know what they're thinking or feeling right now...so how can you? Be kind for kindness sake, but don't push or pursue. Find what makes you happy and do it. Become secure in who you are. Leave your S the space to figure herself out without your influence, but let her SEE that you are doing the hard work on yourself to be happy and confident (fight the urge to TELL her, though). Face those fears you have and overcome them. Become a role model for how to be happy with yourself...maybe she'll be able to learn that by watching. Maybe not. But focus on you, not her. She has her own battles inside. Just be there when she needs someone to lsten, and as some wise person on these boards said, "drink your STFU smoothie" while you do. Your only job is to validate when you can.
Let go and good luck. It gets easier.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I sgree...mind reading can take you down some roads that will lead to frustration and disappointment. Keep your expectations of your spouse to zero. She can change her mind on things in a split second and have no reason for those changes.
The best thing to do is to keep the focus on you. Live your life to the fullest, work on yourself and be happy w/the person you are or are becoming. The changes you make will need to be changes that become a permanent part of your life. Your spouse will know if you are making changes just to get her back or not.
If you have hobbies or a "to do" list that has been sitting around collecting dust, then now is a good time to pull it out, dust it off and start working on those items.
Again...keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, it's very difficult to be patient, but you'll need to dig deeper for more patience as you walk the path. You are very wise to keep your focus on the day to day activities and life your life to the fullest as much as possible.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I tend to write when I am down. Or I experience a down. Yesterday, I needed my passport. When I saw only 3 W said I took minr. And today she said that she opened a bank account. And she saud it at a very unusual time. I was cleaning up something. A shared bank account has been sonething important reminded by my grandma. It hurt me. But again patience. Didnt show anything. Just said Ok and went to read papers. She checked on me but I was reading.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
I again can't sleep. Deep down I am hurt. I am trying to get the least damage but it is still happening. I shouldn't believe what she says. She wants to hurt me. One thing for sure, she has hurt me.
I feel more and more angry. Why keep ailenating the kids against me? Why being secretive about everything? I don't know what to change? How fo do it differently. This midlife crisis is hurting.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Unfortunately, you can't change or control her...but you can change/control how you interact w/her, as well as you react to what she says or does. Detaching will help with that.
As I've stated before in many postings, dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you and your family. Find things to keep yourself busy and make sure your accounts are secure and safe, i.e., some of them tend to love spending their money as well as yours.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have done changes to myself. I am stuck as what else I need to change. Or what I should do differently. One thing is I say offfff a lot. A sign of my disstress which makes others annoyed.
What has a change you did made a difference on your relationship?
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
