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Thanks all. I'm going to stand firm on my position that I won't be leaving the house. I always give in. I always concede. But I think this time I finally have more to lose by conceding than if I stood firm. My W is such a better fighter than I am. When she spews it breaks my heart and I turn into a pu$$y. I need to be ok with her being angry with me. I mean what's the worst that could happen? She could move out. It would be devastating for the kids, but part of me would be relieved if she did. I love her, but I don't like who she's become.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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I do know people that have done nesting and its challenging. I think it works better when the separation is mutually agreed on and there is even friendship. That's not the case in most sitches. Also if there is an A, it can be stressful to the LBS to wonder if the OP is sleeping in the same bed. The family I knew had a house with the kids and a small apartment, and then they switched off. I admire them for doing it, but I would never be able to handle that. I think it only lasted a year or so and then they found their own places.

I was wondering if you have read the No More Mr Nice Guy material? My H is also a wimpy/pushover kinda guy, and it's been a real struggle for him. The book was like holding up a mirror and forced him to look at himself in a deeper way. It was profound. His Nice Guy issues had a lot to do with why our M fell apart, not having deeper communication, and ultimately what made him vulnerable to the A. He has learned a lot from the book and how to have stronger boundaries.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Thanks for the insight Blu. And thank you for reminding me about the Nice Guy read. I started it a while ago, but then got caught up in all the relationship and marriage saving books. I've been a pushover all my life and my W is counting on this. If ever there was a time to do something different, I think this is it.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Nice guy here too and am reading through that one as well. As BluWave said, it's a great mirror to look into for the nice guys.

I read it 4 years ago but only read and did not implement and "surprise, surprise" (ala Gomer Pyle) we're back here. It's all about the deeper communication and voicing your opinion even when you're afraid to rock the apple cart.

Chris, I'm making strides on this and if I can do it I'm sure you've got it in you too.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
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As was mentioned by Blue, since she has been involved with OMs you can't allow these OMs, or future ones, in YOUR house breaking up YOUR family. That is unacceptable in my book. Regardless of which way this goes be sure to include in your separation agreement that under no circumstances can any OM come to your house, let alone spend the night there.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
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Originally Posted By: BluWave

I was wondering if you have read the No More Mr Nice Guy material?


Just got it... Thanks for the tip.

I don't know if any of you are Scandal fans but the latest episode is a classic example of "Mr. Nice guy" being duped as Huck falls victim to a women who totally played him.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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Chris,

Any updates?

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Chris,

Any updates?

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Chris73 Offline OP
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Hi All. Hard to believe it's only been 3 weeks since I've last posted. Feels like 3 years have gone by.

Long story short. My marriage is over. My W has convinced me over the past few weeks that she has some serious problems that she needs to work on. Being angry and resentful towards me and focusing all of her energy on leaving our marriage is just another distraction in a long list of distractions (including the affair that I *believe* she is still carrying on) that are keeping her from the mirror work that she needs to do.

Dropping the rope and doing everything I can to avoid being a source of her anger is the only thing left I can do to keep the peace. She wants me to move out, but I've been standing my ground which results in more and more spewing, name calling, and, teeth gritting. And I just can't take it anymore. It's been almost a year since the first BD and I'm starting to have trouble remembering a time when we were happy.

Her alternative to me moving out is that we sell the house and mediate for joint physical custody of the kids. All things considered, that's not the worst deal I've heard lately. But we're still negotiating and trying to be civil to each other under one roof.

For the first time since all this started, I really feel like I'm done. I don't like using the word *hate* but I hate who she's become even though I still love her very much. I really want her to get healthy and be happy again, but right now I don't know if I can ever see us back together.

My kids and trying to reach a fair divorce agreement without spending a fortune are my only two objectives now.

I'll expand on this later. I'm off to catch the train home.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Quick update...

As crazy as it seems, W and I had a pretty amicable discussion this morning. We were able to agree on a few arrangements that will support each of our goals...hers being to end the marriage, mine being to give her more space without comprising my rights to my home and my children... as well as our shared goals of keeping our kids in as stable an environment as possible and keeping costs related to the separation/divorce to a minimum.

Starting with the end of the school year, we've worked out a separation agreement that allows us both to still live in the house but spend certain nights of the week somewhere else. Initially we decided on sharing an apartment, but in addition to the extra money it would cost to rent, sharing that space doesn't really allow us to have a clean break. So instead I will be staying at my mom's house on my off nights and my W will "rent a room from her girlfriend." I put that last bit in quotes bc I don't really believe it. More likely than not, she'll be staying with her OM, but at this point I really don't care so long as she doesn't bring him around my kids.

We've also agreed to separate our incomes and contribute 60/40 to the shared expenses (60 on my end), which I think is very reasonable.

Lastly, although I did not commit to selling our house we agreed to spend the summer making it "market ready" in case we do decide to sell it. The house needs it either way.

We plan to break the news to my parents on Sunday which will be a huge relief for me since I will finally have a support group (other than you folks) since this all started almost a year ago.

This hurts, but not as much as I thought it would. Probably because I feel that things are still being handled fairly and that we're both being reasonable with each other. I struggled for a long time trying to find a balance between not being a doormat and not making her feel like I was being controlling.

It seems like the detachment process is something that just happens. You can help it along or fight against it, but it eventually happens either way. I think I've come to terms with the fact that if my wife and I EVER reconcile it will only be after she's done her own soul searching and decided that she wants to try again. That may never happen, but I think it's a guarantee that it WON'T happen so long as she's distracted with directing all of her anger and resentment at me. Dropping the rope seems easy, but it's VERY hard.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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