Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Vapo]

Chris, I am not saying this to vilify your W, but really do not count on her playing fair and do not rely on her for anything, always have a backup plan ready. At the height of her madness my W would forget stuff, she was running around like a headless chicken. So anything with the kids I had a backup plan and it saved me numerous times. And also if you count on your W, and she fs it up, it will just build more resentment towards her and you will end up feeling bad and upset about it. A contingency plan saves you the hassle...

[Chris73]

Thanks Vapo. I'm totally with you on this. I have a very strong family support group. Only my mom knows what's going on but she is only a phone call away and has been helping with our kids since they were born. I have been picking up a lot of the slack around the house and with the kids (as much as I can for being out of the house 12 hours a day). I know my W is letting me do it bc it was one of her major complaints. But it's not 50/50 right now, it's more like 75/25. I don't complain to her about it, but I'm paying attention.

[mvgfwd2]

Hmmm, you're taking care of things/kids 75/25. Wow, what an eye opener it will be for her when she has to do 100% when she has them. Assuming joint custody she will have to do 100% of everything for 2 weeks a month. How do you think that will work out for her? Maybe let her have a trial run by just going on vacation, or anywhere, for a week by yourself.

[Chris73]

The week vacation is a smart idea.

Money's a bit tight right now. We're recovering from a Disney trip and I just put a deposit on a week at the beach this summer (btw, I invited my W to come with us but told her I would be going with the kids either way).

However, I'm am just about to leave with S8 for 2 days skiing and D5 is staying at my mom's tonight. So my W will come home from work to a completely empty house. Not sure if it will matter. She'll just stay out late and/or have people over to distract her from her own thoughts.

[Gordie]

Chris73, if I remember correctly, you have been to the D brink before...right? What made you come back from the brink (was it wanting to stay together until the end of school)...and what is driving you to the brink again? Maybe she still has the end of school time frame in mind? Maybe her target date never changed?

[Gordie]

At one point she told me, "You have been a class act through this whole thing. Giving me my space, not pressuring me, making significant changes for yourself, supporting me and our kids... but I just want to be on my own. I don't think I'll ever marry again." I felt like saying, of course you won't, you would only eff it up like you did this one.

How does this make you feel? And instead of saying what you wrote above...you said nothing?

[Chris73]

Yes, I said nothing.

Partly because my W is a MUCH better fighter than I am. I can NEVER think of the right thing to say in an argument until after it's over. If I HAVE to start a difficult conversation with her, I have to practice first. So any spontaneous response to that would have either come off as sarcastic or accusatory.

But the other reason is bc I know she's full of $hit. Whether she actually has a steady A partner or is just pretending to be single, the bottom line is that my actions over the past 2 months have scared her. She's expecting me to be a jerk or just leave her alone. I'm doing neither, and it's probably making her feel guilty and/or second guess her decision to exit the marriage. So she's trying to dissuade me. To make me think my efforts are a waste of time.

But like Vapo said, I don't believe a word of it. And I won't be deterred. I'm a married man. And I'm not going anywhere. I will keep fighting. If she wants to divorce me she can. It's really her loss and (if I may be so bold) she will regret it for the rest of her life. Meanwhile my pride will keep me company until I find someone else

[WillDo]

You have had a relationship talk. She knows your stance. Maybe she recalled your thoughts. I would avoid bringing up the subject again. Don't rush. As Michelle says she will not be at your pace. And avoid any physical contact. That is like one of Sandi's rules. Don't say "I love you". Build a new relationship.

That's what I have been reading up on.

[Chris73]

Oh, believe me. I didn't bring anything up. She initiated the conversation, I listened, validated and re-stated my boundaries (just in case she forgot). I don't avoid physical contact because I think it promotes reconnecting. But I don't initiate anything major. My hand on her shoulder or hip as I walk by, that kind of thing. And as far as taking it slow, I committed to a year on Jan 27th after that, with no progress made I think it will be time to move on...

[mvgfwd2]

You don't have to really go on vacation. Just say you are and then stay at your mom's for a week. You wouldn't even have to take off work if you didn't want to. You need a break and she needs to know what she will see that the sunshine and roses she is imagining is bunk.