Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Chris73]

Previous Post: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2728409

Total breakdown yesterday. Riding home on the train, playing a video game on my phone with John Mayer's "Paradise Valley" in the background. Despite being an older release, it was my first time through the album. I caught the last few words of "Waitin' on a Day"...

"Waitin' on the day
When these words are in stone
When the kids are all grown
And we go dancing"

(I know, I know, I'm a glutton for punishment...)

I skipped back to the beginning and listened to the whole song without distraction. Then I lost it.

I lost it on the train, on the walk to the parking lot, and then finally let it out in the solitude of my car.

This song is me. Right now. In every way possible.

The worst part is that every fiber of my being wants to send this song to my W, or play it for her, or sing it to her. But I won't. I know it's pursuing.

Then something happened. I asked for mercy. I don't know who I was asking... God? The universe? Myself? Hard to say. All I know is that I got home, hung out with my kids, ate dinner and I was overcome by a feeling of hopefulness. My W called from FL to talk to the kids and we exchanged a few friendly words. But the hopefulness wasn't because of that. And I'm not even sure if the hopefulness had anything to do with thoughts of reconciliation.

All I know is that I asked for mercy, and I got it. It didn't last long but it didn't need to. I just needed to get through the night.

And I can always ask again right?

[Gordie]

Chris73,

There are things that make us break down...a song, a photograph, an article...but so glad you asked for mercy...and received it...

I read an article by Amy Krouse Rosenthal who is dying and it was all about how much she loved her H...and all the little things he did for her through their 26 years together...and it threw me for a loop...it was so beautiful and loving and filled with gratitude and sincerity...

I hope your week with just the kids is going well...

[Chris73]

Thanks Gordie. I started reading that article too. I had to stop though. It was too much for me to handle at the time. I may go back and try again though.

[Gordie]

Good week?

[Chris73]

Hi Gordie.

I had a good week overall. W came back from FL on Thursday evening. I know there would be no evidence to find but it didn't seem like she had the wild week that I'd expected. Seems like she spent most of the time just relaxing. I'm not snooping anymore anyway so it doesn't really matter!

Her mood towards me has been hot and cold down since she's been back. I'd like to attribute some of this to the confusion she's facing right now in figuring out how to deal with me.

It's been about 6 weeks since I changed my approach to interacting with her. My mood is always up around her. I don't bring up our problems anymore. I still initiate most of our conversations but she's been more approachable and sometimes starts a few on her own. I still ask her to do things with me or with us (me & the kids) and she almost always refuses but I don't react negatively to the rejection at all, I just keep trying. Mind you, I'm not being a pest. I don't ask her out on dates every day. Maybe about once/week I'll make a suggestion to do something if she seems in an approachable mood.

The reason I think she's confused is because I'm no longer behaving according to the script that she expects. I'm in a great mood all the time. I've dropped a bunch of weight. I've been working out and looking a bit more chiseled. I re-ignited my passion for playing music which has been missing from my life for close to 10 years and I'm doing a lot more "manly" stuff around the house (and soon, outside of the house... I volunteered to be an assistant coach for my son's upcoming flag football league). This is a total 180 for me.

My favorite part about all of this is that I don't really have to fake my good mood most of the time. The "fake it until you make it" mantra seems to have some merit. It seems like once I've gained some momentum it's a lot easier to keep things moving.

On Saturday after dinner I told her that I was trying to secure the dates for a week at the beach with the kids in August (like we have ALWAYS done EVERY August). I told her that I would like "all of us" to go and then asked, "How do you want to handle this?" She looked like she's seen a ghost and then eventually said, "I'm not prepared to answer that right now." So I simply replied, "Ok, well I'm going to make the plans regardless and you can decide later if you want to come with us." We talked about a few other "business meeting" type things and then she went to the bathroom. When she came out it looked like she had been crying.

On Sunday the kids asked her for the 3rd time why she doesn't want to come to church with us. I didn't say anything this time (in the past I helped her out of this awkward conversation) and she didn't have much to say either. The question just kind of "hung out there."

Lately I've been feeling really bad for her. I can tell she's conflicted about the marriage. And even if she IS having second thoughts about leaving, it has to be really hard to deal with those feelings when she's been convincing herself for more than a year now that it's the right decision for her. It's a matter of pride and stubbornness. She's invested so heavily in justifying her current selfish lifestyle based on our marriage history and my behavior over the past 10 years. But now I'm not acting like that anymore. And every once in a while she lets her guard down and I can tell that she still enjoys my company despite what she's told me.

Since my attitude change has only been for 6 weeks I would assume that she just thinks I'm trying to manipulate her into changing her mind. That I'll regress back to my old ways eventually. And that was probably true 6 months ago, but it isn't anymore. I love her very much, but every day I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I don't need her to be happy. I'm becoming a better man, husband, father. And someone will reap the benefits. Right now I still hope it will be her...

[Gordie]

Chris73,

I'm so happy for you, this is awesome:

"I'm becoming a better man, husband, father. And someone will reap the benefits. Right now I still hope it will be her..."

I feel like we are on parallel DB tracks, including (1) awkwardness around any future planning and (2) the questions from the kids about why mom doesn't want to go to church with us...wow...happy that these changes are for YOU and that they are permanent...because they are what you want to be. What about physical contact? Do you guys ever touch each other...or does she treat you like you have cooties?

[Chris73]

Gordie. No cooties. I initiate almost all physical contact but most of it is unilateral (my hand on her knee/shoulder, brush against her if we're in the kitchen together, etc.)

Yesterday I asked my wife to buzz my hair with the electric trimmers (she used to do it all the time, then I started doing it myself) and she said ok. She has to put her hands on me for that. Also she's a massage therapist so from time to time if I think she's in the right mood I'll ask her to work on my neck or something.

I read an article about re-establishing trust by asking your spouse for favors that are really easy and guaranteed to get done. So I'm trying that out.

Yesterday when I left for the blues jam, she noticed my new t-shirt and said she liked it. That it "wasn't something I would expect you to wear." Then the kids came over individually to give me hugs and kisses. After I put my daughter down and she ran away I turned to my W and said, "Sorry, you don't get one." She laughed and then I put an arm around her shoulder for a one-armed hug. She reciprocated.

[Cristy]

Hi Chris,

You can't go wrong with asking for mercy...especially when you receive mercy, very powerful.

Focusing on yourself and those precious kiddos sounds like it is helping you enormously. Keep up the good work!

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Chris73]

The dynamic is so interesting lately. W got home last night after the kids were in bed and I had already started listening to a seminar for an online class I'm taking. So she decided to go next door to hang out with the neighbor (that I don't like). I told her to have fun. She came home late.

This morning we are all home because of the snow. Once I had woken up, I walked upstairs to find her in the kitchen in a bad mood. "Ugh, it's not really snowing, it's sleeting. The kids are fighting with each other and I'm tired, I'm going back to bed." I said ok and proceeded to make coffee and breakfast for myself and the kids.

She eventually emerged from the bedroom in a better mood. We were just about finished breakfast so I said, "We saved you some bacon, do you want me to make you some eggs." She said, "I got it hon, you've done enough already." I did a double-take on that statement, but didn't let it show.

The kids eventually ran off to cause havoc in another part of the house, which left us at the table alone together.

(...that's an interesting phrase isn't it? "Alone together?")

She proceeded to tell me that she couldn't fall asleep last night because she and the neighbor had some very long philosophical discussions about life and purpose. She then continued the discussion with me. I tried my best to let her do most of the talking (something I've been very bad at doing for a long time). We didn't talk about "us" per se, but some pretty deep things, with the overall theme being something like, "What is the true meaning of life?" So I said, "Lately I've discovered that the true meaning of life is the journey, not the destination. You need to be happy about where you're going, but you also need to enjoy how you get there. To enjoy what your life is like right now. Not what it was or what it might be in the future."

She agreed. It was a nice moment between us. No tension. It reminded me of what it was like when we were dating.

[75Shade]

Chris, I am looking forward to hearing about your progress. This is sounding like you are having some levels of success.